Where do I go from here?

Your selflessness is what really moves me and pushes me to be better. But your disrespect of my wishes and needs upsets me time and time again. No matter how many times I explain it, repeat it, you feel that I am being unfair to you.

It hurts me that you would say that.

Thinking back, it is through my own fault that you feel entitled to what actually is not rightfully yours and also my fault that I am incapable of convincing you that what we are doing is wrong.

This is not the only thing though, sometimes I regret agreeing with the thoughts you put in my head. It creates dislike and disrespect toward the people that are close to me. I say things and do things that are not what I would normally do.

This situation is somewhat familiar, almost like Eve blaming the serpent for her wrongdoings.

I never thought I would turn out like this. Maybe I'm the devil, causing others to sin, creating temptation while I blame others for not respecting what I want when I contradict myself.

How pretentious. I pretend to be trying to change and doing the right thing while I tempt others into break the rules and blame them for bringing me into it.

What do I do now? Draw the line and run far from it? Or just end it?

Is a relationship with a Christian man really so different? Would I then be able to  experience what God always intended for me to be treated like in a relationship?

tired

After all that has happened, I thought I would be more excited at life. Instead, I feel frustrated and helpless at the lack of improvement. To top it all off, I'm just loosing steam and drive. 

After taking the biggest plunge of my life, there's not been any sign of it picking up and I feel like I've reached a dead end. Plus, I seem rather content to try hold on to status quo whilst I can. Logically-speaking, I should do something, but I'm afraid to do something and quite comfortable albeit rather guilty of not trying. Little things get me down, I can't play the same part of a song for the pass few weeks. Progress is snail-paced, which really frustrates me also. I used to learn fast and enjoy it, but now, because of the lack of progress I don't enjoy it. It frustrates me because I don't know why I just can't learn it. I also make new habits out of new mistakes adding to the frustration I feel. After which I decide, the frustration is just not worth it and come back another time, where the cycle just repeats itself. 

Resting does not even feel like resting. Instead, I wake up just as tired as when I slept. As a result, I have the memory of a goldfish, I can't remember things I saw only seconds or minutes ago. It stresses my mind to force myself to remember things. 

So afraid I will forget, so afraid I will fail and so afraid that I would look stupid.

So I guess, it's all just fear. 

A lot of fear.

Pain

It's a hurt that I have never felt in my life

So be it

Sometimes I feel like just throwing myself off a high place and ending all of this.

It's just much better to be alone and disappear from this world.

There would be no one who would miss it.

If this is what you want, then so be it.

Why do things have to be this way?

why do things have to be so complicated?

It's so hurtful, it truly is. There is no faith in people, not even in those who you say are "family".

You all act like we all owe you everything and that just frustrates me.

Do all people who get older get this way?

Unforgiving and just unable to see the good in people.

Disappointments

Chronic

The disappointment just never ends. You hope and hope that there will be a glimmer of change but it's always short-lived. I don't know what I need to do to convince you, both of you. I sometimes feel like I am meddling too much and I am too afraid to pray for anything because I am so afraid of disappointment. There have been so many things said in church that I hoped had struck a cord that might initiate some from of change. But it just seems like you could not be bothered to give two hoots about anything that is happening or maybe you just think we're being anal about everything.

The note and the S3 pretty much did it for me. Well since the S3 was free, I guess that's not too bad. But $800? Not forgetting the time when you bought the laptop, that was what, close to $2000. Fair enough, you needed one, but to hear you hitting it and calling it 'stupid' (when clearly you are the one) just convinces me once again that you shouldn't have bought it. The monitor, I don't even want to know. There were clearly free ones lying around, but because of what? Your pride? You bought your own.

What exactly is this family to you? You will not do anything beyond what you feel like doing. Sacrifice is almost non existent except on your own terms and conditions. Ha, would that even qualify being a sacrifice? You won't even admit when something is CLEARLY your mistake. Do you assume that everyone is against you?

Sometimes I really feel taken advantaged off when I do things for you. You have not given anything in return, and you somehow equate buying back food at a time because you need it as doing something/contributing. I tell myself every time, I should respect you no matter. But should I even need to tell myself such a thing. It's become so routine, that I think it has changed from respect to indifference. I am no longer angry but jaded. Upset sometimes, but resigned.

The list can go on and I wonder why it's this way, why is it you cannot see what you are doing. I am just so upset that that nothing I say can possibly describe how I feel. My mood changes when people ask about you. I just cook up the best story I can think of.

I hope for the day when I won't have to.

Acute

I think I am a very average person and being average is just difficult. There's nothing outstanding about you. You do pretty alright in life but never outstanding. You work so hard just to be a bit better but it just always is not enough to get you anything. I remind myself to trust in God, if it is meant for me, God will give it to me. If it isn't, no matter what I do, I would not get it. But sometimes I get jealous. Why is it some people are the exception to the rule? Why am I never the exception? No As, going to Oxford? That's my dream...but of course I am always part of the statistic that generally occurs.

Level 1: feigning ignorance/ Holding on just a while more

Sometimes even your family doesn't want to know how you feel.

Sometimes even your family doesn't want to know your thoughts.

Trying to fix things and put things back together just makes it all worst because I just don't know what else there is to do. I honestly feel that I have tried everything I know.

So lets all put on a happy face and pretend that all is okay.

Because the one thing that I am absolutely unable to do is be ignorant to all of this. For there is some truth that ignorance is bliss.

Because, being strangers/acquaintances/coworkers to each other is better than being family. There's just too much invested in the latter.

Maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson, did I try too hard to take things into my hands like Saul? So it has backfired and God has chosen to abandon me? Maybe there is nothing that I can do and I keep thinking that there is and I am meddling and not giving God the room for it. Or is it in 1 Peter 5:10? I just need to hold on a little while more and he will restore, support and strengthen me and place me on a firm foundation. Is this even considered suffering? Is there a criteria for it or as long as you are in difficult times?

the greatest fear

My greatest fear is that this one thing will break us and make the many years spent together just meaningless and pointless.

If not, that this difference between us would hurt other people as well.

convince me

Right now I feel like I've lost more than I have gained.

Has it been wrong all along?

Was I trying to convince myself just because it felt right all this while?

We avoid talking about the thing that I  feel matters the most to me. Plus, you are upset that the thing that matters the most is not you. Have my worst fears come true? Is it time to throw in the towel?

Do I want it to be?

What is holding us together? Is it just one person at a time? I wish it were God. But it's not. I tell myself it takes time...but am I trying to change something that I will never be able to? Maybe this was all my doing and nothing to do with God at all? Maybe I ask for too much and do too little? What is it? Why do I always feel like giving up?

Is this what I want ?

Torn

Thanks for putting me in this awkward situation.

Making me feel insecure.

Totally what I need right now.