rightsss...I shall not say what happened cos it's gonna PISS ME OFF!!!
today was a good day...got chase tonight, not watching to type this out and then there's the OC, YAY!!! more seth cohen and ryan...chrismuka!!
today was interesting yet boring. started off with brother paul giving his little intro for the OCIP and NYAA and then the talks came. OCIP was not so bad...maybe it was because that I was so sleepy that I couldn't sit through it, but it eas interesting nonetheless. NYAA killed me...I mean yeah...the GREEN laserpointer...WHY!!?!? 1 hour++ ate into our break too. By the time he had finished all his blah blah blah, it was 9.06 and by the time we stood up to back to class it was 9.22 and then when we reached the classroom the bell rang for maths lecture.
maths lecture was a repeat of binomial theorem...had I known I would have brought my old notes, which happen to be sittitng in that file of mine, and just sat in elcture and stoned. Not that I couldn't without them, but felicia koh was wlaking around watching us like a hawk.
tht ended and then it was chem lecture in the audi. same slides as first 3 months...been there done that. then had a lil' discussion at the back of the audi with miss koh about whether we should move on or start all over from the beginning...THANKFULLY we didn't have to.
went for break
home tuitorial session, class matters, class and individual goal setting .
physics lecture...haha...I'm in the same lect as YOU...at least I get to see you...haha. it was the same slides...with all the SAME typo errors, spelling errors, then dismissed...went to the canteen with frankie. sara came later and then the two of us started competing with our respective phone receptions. it was damn lame and retarded...imagine a tall indian and a short chinese staring at their phones and the one suddenly shouts "haha...I have one bar mwahah!!!" "I have 4 bars haha you loser!!!" you get the idea...
frankie and sara left.
wait...wait...wait...
met ben and to papa's office we went.
did physics there...it was enjoyable...haven't touched work for like eons. he went at 6.30 and then daddy came and now I am home...typing away.


wednesday



I HOPE MY APPEAL IS SUCCESSFUL!!!


today wasn't much...just basically preparing for finale afternoon. practised cheers, mass dance, item too...ladida. finale afternoob started at 2.30 and the house war...mura, pyro, hono, ilden, blaze and incendium, the 6 flames of CJC. most of the items were funny, some hilarious. I will never forget the indian lady writing a letter to her son...
"nowadays these bathrooms come with a washing machine too. Just lift the lid, put the clothes in and push the handle. strange thing is I never saw those clothes again."
"I am writing very slowly because I know you cannot read fast."
haha...it was good fun. went for dinner later...yum, hokkien mee...and then had a good bus ride home =)
bathed, the phone, and then slept at 10.30


tuesday
SENTOSA!!!! HE CAME BACK!!! he's in T20! anyway...ended up in T29 yes...jerome was our the facil. so yes sentosa, started of with amazing race. went to merlion walk...walked in the snake fountain...was fun I mean HELLO it's water haha. the fun was shortlived, the last set of our class couldn't do it due to the impending rain.
It DID start to rain...
then to the carlsberg tower we went, took a pictures and then had a five minute break before carrying on.
ended up having to wait out the rain under some sheltered place (duh!)...we ended having to warm ourselves with fries...or at least I did, grabbed some from other people..I was cold okay!!
yes, next stop...the southern most continent of asia...station managed by jon chan. smthg to do with hula hoops...had a lot of time to do it...but could have been faster...but we beat t30!!! mwaahaha...sara's class.
next...siloso beach. had to sculpt out a slice of cake from the sand. it ws damn nice...looked good enough to eat...except that it was brown...HEY!!! chocolate!!! anyway...the cherry was SUPER nice so round and cute haha...and the cream...omg, dalun did such a good job man!! should have seen the way he did it, so damn serious and focussed...if he were like that most of the time, I might actually have thought that he was a smart person.
to emerald hall...had to come up with stuff to entertain the facils there...did hono cheers. hehe, then we got lunch...then stoned, went walking around with frankie and then came back and stoned somemore. decided to play volleyball, booked a court and then started playing. something about the girls having no skill, but lots of luck...hmph! Half true, we almost, keyword being almost, won by accident...lots of accidents. somehow the ball favoured the coconut tree, hitting the people seated below it and the sea, coming back sandy and wet...
beach games...
first was telematch...getting wet, filling bottle and cup with wet shirts, pants and SEAwater in the mouth...finding puzzle pieces...we did well.
second, float...damn tiring, had to partner and push a float back and forth from a floating marker. I like haven't swam in 5 million years or smthg...but we did good.
back to shore for tag...this was a hard to control. lots of backstabbing, people playing dirty...hence the tension arose...not very fun to play already.
then capture the flag...would have been more fun in a bigger space, too small hard to play and too many people, so ahrd to run about and cut around people, but it was good, people were trying unlike tag.
last 4 team captains ball, this was total chaos and confusion...like balls falling from the sky randomly and being thrown from person to person. ard 80 people in one compound...just snatching balls from the air and people. Got knocked twice fighting to catch the ball, both times by guys...gen ah gen, cannot fight with guys like that or in this fashion...sure lose one....haiyoh. yan zhang was just standing in the hoop catching all the balls thrown at him....some few from one court to another...just catch thrown away and then chatch another...haha.
debrief...bathed and then took the bus home...the enjoyment was shortlived but I liked it all the same. took mrt with cynthia, then 77 and then dinner, the phone and to sleep.



spending time with you

makes me feel like

the most fortunate person in the world.

the way you hold me, hug me;

makes me feel so secure.

I could lie there and forget everything...

you treat me so well

it makes me feel so guilty

I wonder,

do I really deserve this?

and you always say the same thing back

"every drop of it"

I just have to say this....I feel sooo happy.
not bursting kind of happy, but a quiet joy that resides within me...I feel so...yeah.
anyway today was a lil' better, got home classes early in the morning. 29!!!! from 23 to 29...omg, that's a damn beeeeg jump. anyway...morning assembly formalities...then to the quadrangle for icebreakers, then went to class to meet HTs.
As if it wasn't coincidence enough that, yan zhang, trevin, frankie, how kiat(sadly...), grace, liang wang are in the same class and me; our Ht is miss koh...as in koh siok bee.
went for break and then back to the audi.
had mass dance...danced with guo shiong...haha. was damn fun...I mean it's so guo shiong....haiyoh *shakes head* why did you have to take 'F' math.
then the stupid get the cup game...nothing much really, nothing haven't done before.
house meeting...hono....sounds like homo and yet also 'oh no'...oh well. house colour is purple (WHY?!?!? at least it's better than luminos), jap for fire...I think. yeah.

hono hono,

we are gay,

we wear purple everyday
then talk by michael tan on cca...he was fast, finished when I was just about to fall asleep. signed up for the usual, dance and council. walked around a bit with alex and christine...ben came back =)...dum di dum. talked a bit...then had to go back to the audi for last briefing...and oh well, I am stuck with my 'L' size orientation T-shirt. too bad. to papa's office and then back home with you....bathed, cooked dinner and then the phone. BENJAMIN KHO, YOU SO CANNOT KEEP A SECRET....WHY!?!? haha...nvrm...I am so happy!!!
eaten dinner...gonna watch depserate housewives tonight and there's the OC season 2...yeah baby!!! the week keeps getting better...and I am going to sentosa tomorrow...hope it'll be fun =)


you cannot imagine the happiness I feel inside,

it's not anything over the top,

it is not bursting at the edges,

rather it is a quietness.

a quiet joy that I feel inside,

a calmness after a storm,

simply happiness.

and guess what?

I am so going to cherish this...


I love you !!!!

it's raining outside....
yup...it is...
anyway...waiting to go for dinner at warren(as usual)
just came in from pulling lalang.
I felt water droplets fall from the sky, and yet gen stupidly thought it was from the REALLY tall palm tree nearby which was being blown about by the breeze.
If I had a dime for every lalang that grew in my house...I'd be rich...nono, wait...FILTHY rich and IF I were God I wouldn't have invented those THINGS!!! weeds are only good in a person's personality...you know having the determination like a weed...not being killed so easily, all that stuff.
rights...anyway, woke up this morning...really lazy, DRAGGED myself out of bed and to church w/o bf...omg...that was terrible. okay not church, but the feeling. chruch was quite enjoyable what with all the skits, video and stories and whatnot. had mee hoon kueh for lunch...yumyum. pep yalk...lalaa...but I was just listening, hey I did my frikkin' part.
home...
talk on the phone =) and peeled french beans. ironed...I swear I'm getting too damn good at it, I'm damn fast or smthg...haha...lol.
physics...I figured out 2 and half questions, now I wonder is that the reason I feel completely useless...hmmm...MUST GO TRY AGAIN!!!
then to the garden to pull lalang with guin...as my comments on it were ^up there, plus it was a bit fun....haha. guin was like talking to the grass and pulling it, so cute! I mean yeah, talking to random things like ants on the ground, flies and in general the lalang...bathed to freshen up and now I am here...waiting for my dad and sis to come home so we can go for dinner..hmmm...


I hope you can come tomorrow...I miss you so much!!!

Today
Good Friday...
the day Jesus died on the cross to save us all from the power of sin...
morning, woke up, dressed and then waited for everybosy to get out of the house. when for a damn speedy bf at the hawker centre we frequent for lunch. met auntie rosana there.
church was okay...quite funny actually...all the skits and stuff, nothing too dry.
then headed of to town to shop shop shop.
OMG...today found sooooooooo many nice things and mummy was like spending...bought some really nice stuff. wanted to buy more of one of the items, but then if you think about it again...too much of the same kinda clothing in my wardrobe...nono...not good.
was like buy and buy...yum yum.
had lunch at macs...bleah!!!
then shop somemore...then came the most infuriating thing...buying my sister's shoes.
we'd walk into a store and she will just stare blankly at the shoes on the shelf like it's something out of a car mag. then she picks one off of the shelf and she'll look it, feel it, turn it around in her hands and then hand it to you in silence and you have this look that says "so, what do you want me to do with this?" she somehow can't make up her mind about what kind of shoe she wants...walked to 3 stores...not forgetting that we went back to one twice, at least afte that we finally bought the shoes. oh well...
so home we went and I bathed and now I'm here. lalala...


yesterday
2nd day of orientation...didn't do much actually.
left the house at 8 and met sheryl on the bus...
reached at 8.15 and then saw sara in the canteen, talked and then went to the quadrangle to assemble. then to the audi for assemnbly.
all the formalities... sing-a-long...haha, I make it sound so terrible. learned the school song and campfire songs and then talk by brother paul, his usual dry humour injected at regular intervals.
then mass dance and then went for break and then back to play games. one we played at amazing race...the other was quite retarded...but it was damn fun, gidman was just...yeah, gidman. and the 4 guys tied together look damn gay. I mean they would look even worse if the held hands(we were all tied together you see...) and then skipped all the way together...LOL. all in all, better than yesterday and more fun, I suppose because we make it fun.
went back to audi and it was all the admin stuff, handing out orientaiton t-shirts all the way, took damn long, like an hour. ben came back to appeal so we waited for mr tan so he could see him.
left at about 5 and to TP library to borrow books. ice-cream, which made me quite happy and then home...
bathed, daddy and guin went to church, I cooked. ate and watched chase and reading...omg I haven't read like this in a million years. HAHA! I am contented I have BOOKS to read!!! mwahaha...

hakuna matata?


first day of orientation...
oh boy...it was so bad compared to the first one...
*shakes head*
got to CJ checked my IG group number...38...
the first orientation I was IG 4...I was on the other extreme end of the audi...now I'm at the other extreme end...eh... feels a bit weird.
saw a lot of familiar people...nicole, jo wong, cynthia, sara(sarvana), yan yi, frankie, ju, sheryl, trevin, yanzhang, liang wang...blahblsh and the list goes on.
what can I say...I couldn't really be bothered the remember the names of my IG peeps...after all, getting our home classes tomorrow..I do remember SOME people...gidman, nat, hui ting, sherman, ho yi, christian(I think...)...BAH! thas about it. okay...the facils, slightly better than last time...2 guys namely donovan and zi sheng.
started in the audi...normal morning procedures and then some of us moved to the audi extension and we tool t-shirt sizes...-_-...sat there and sat there and sat there until like 5 million years later, we moved BACK into the audi. Next...school tour....been there, done that. la di da...
came back...and mass dance. I always enjoy this...it has improved MAJORLY...as in my dancing...finally tied up loose ends. they cut out the MJ thriller part though...*sigh*...the session went better than all the sessions of the first orientation put together.
went for break later...sat with sheryl, ju and chris. met van later on and we sat in a classroom.
left at 11.30 and met my IG at the pull-up bars at the canteen and then we went to the quadrangle. This has to be the most stupid part of today. did icebreakers. Okay, not the whole session of icebreakers sucked but the later part. started out fine ...did simple ones where you follow the first letter of your name and find a postive adjective to sorta attach to your name...that was fine. until we did the shoelaces thingie...we basically used shoelaces to lay a path and walk on them, to reach the end...but you see the "end" kept moving cos basically, zi sheng was moving and he was "the end". *roll eyes* yes I encourage you to do so. did a lil' more of that and then did something else involving the shoelaces as well.
after that went back to the audi for briefing...we separated form the 2nd intake and we had to go register if we haven't and buy uniform. could have gone home, but decided to wait for yan yi to buy her uniform. went with alex to the canteen and talked while I waited for yan yi, was lovely...haven't talked to her for such a long time. met yanyi and then headed home.
hopefully tomorrow will be better...and hopefully my home class for the next 2 years would be bearable...oh how pessimistic gen...*shakes head*
truthfully, despite having been in CJ for the first 3 months...I still feel out of place. I mean the environment HAS changed..with all the new people even if there are still old friends around. a lot of apprehensions and stuff, a lot of reservations...it didn't feel like this on the first day of term one.


I want to eat pi dan zhou...hmph!!!


it felt weird not seeing you today, not hearing you, you know what I mean...I miss you...I wanna see you

so ends the 3 month stint...
some are moving out..some are staying =)
whatever it is...tomorrow will start and everything would be back to square one...like the 1st of january. It's like being hurled back to the start, just that the people that were previously along for the ride, aren't there anymore...or just maybe that a number of them are missing, or have left.
oh well...tomorrow is brand new day...and a new start. It's gonna be a bit strange, but it's something I'm gonna have to get used.
the past 2 days were utter bliss...haha, okay bliss is a bit exaggerating but I feel VERY happy.
Haha...


dum di dum...I miss you so...

Love
1 Corinthians 13


I may be able to speak the languages of men and even of angels, but if I have no love my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. ²I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains - but if I have no love, I am nothing. ³I may give away everything I have, and even given up my body to be burned - but if I have no love this does me no good.


⁴Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; ⁵love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable, love does not keep a record of wrongs; ⁶love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. ⁷Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.


⁸Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge but it will pass. ⁹For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial; ¹⁰but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.


¹¹When I was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways. ¹²What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as God's knowledge of me.


¹³Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love.

it's late...will be going to sleep soon...haha.
today was a good day...I feel contented.
woke up at 0814...ate bf, ironed clothes, bathed, dressed and then went out.
shopping...omg...I swear, ben and I walked almost the whole of orchard. kept going back and forth, back and forth...omg...I have never known thayt something as simple as a HARIBAND can be SOOOOO hard to find. at least we found it...in far east...and to think before that we thought that heeren and taka would have at least someplace with nice ones *shake head* walked around HMV too, looksie looksie...I will buy that jay chou cd soon!!! met erika and alts at tangs...cos she just wanted to see him...anyway, was lovely seeing her and alts.
walked to dhoby ghaut to meet cot (circle of trust), to carrefour to buy snacks and drinks and to east coast we went...not forgetting to include the half hour wait for the damn bloody shuttle bus. reached east coast...met melvin and we went to play pool...and my energy level sorta went for a dive. Felt so tired and my aiming all that shit was off and I kept missing even the direct shots...*shakes head*. got a lil' tired of pool and so we went to bowl...okay...so today wasn't my day...very inconsistent...I didn't know that after having not bowled for such a long time (5 years), I sucked that bad and that I CANNOT bowl straight to save my life.
After 2 games went for dinner, HOKKIEN MEE...omg...I have been craving that for a long time...aside from pi dan zhou...and then we go to the highlight of today.
*drum roll*
CS aka counterstrike...yes...I was intoduced to this wonderful LAN game. It's damn exciting and absolutely brings out the vengeful side of a person. it's just this game where two teams, namely the terrorists and counter-terrorists, are all in this lil' maze like thingie and basically you have weapons, a whole range of them and you just go around killing the other team, you have infinite lives, so after you get shot you basically just start playing again...and it goes on and on. it's a damn good way to vent and it's kinda addictive. cos when you get killed, you just wanna return the favour ten fold to the person who served you the bullet. met shing and ju there...staying over at costa sands with their class, if I'm not wrong.
left at 9.30...took 16 and then changed to 77 at park mall and home I went. bathed and now I am here...ahout to go to sleep.
TOMORROW..oh fuck how I damn dread it...another 8 hours...it's just sad isn't it?


can I say, I'm gonna miss you...

YEAH!!!
well okay it's holiday..uhuh...the downside...I gotta be at my dad's everyday except saturday and wednesday. yeah, I know it sucks..you don't have to tell me that.
if that's not bad enough, add the boredom to it...aaaaand now it's just hell.
today wasn't so bad, I feel contented =)...so satisfied...lol. haha...anyway tomorrow's tuesday, another day here. nuthin' much to blog about...except that I owe people more money. *shakes head*


jon: your problem is with me...solve it yourself, don't go buggin' other people askin' them to help clean up your shit, ESP erika!

right...I'm baack!!!
okay....this was a good week...had its ups and downs, but hey, it was good.
term hols have started and I'm probably gonna be damn bored...nothing to do...no homework (not that I want any...so you can see how desperate I am)...and plus I'm a gonna be stuck in my dads office for 5 days.
I mean seriously...what the fuck do the two of them do...SHIT!! anyway...today, woke up for church, to giant to buy fruits, lunch was xiao wan mian and them the ppwc to buy veggies.
saturday was the same ole stuff. Watch TV...lavender and the 3 usual comedies...ironed for 3 plus hours and watched sixth sense and then went to sleep.
friday was a long day...finished watching homerun and children of heaven...eh...I'm not talking about the 1 for 2 package...I mean I watched both of them, on the same day. yeah, talked mr tan out of doing anything and mrs koh let us do whatever we want. after school, helped to blow balloons and then chris and ben came over to bath and back to school we went...met 'manda, setup the stall and sold drinks. was like some ij reunion saw so many people =). ooooooookay, so the concert wasn't that great, but hey, I thought it was a good start for CJC. cleared the people out and the stuff up and home I went =). met jie on the way home, bathed, dried my hair and then I crashed.
now I need to hang out the clothes and wash the fruits. I shall be lazy today...to make up for the 5 days I'm going to be spending in my dad's office...I don't give a fuck.

tired...
GP
break...
chem lect
chem tuitorial
math...
pract...watching videos
what else you wanna know?
tomorrow is 5.30pm....can I say shit..I already did.

today is housework day!!!
buuuuuuuuut we'll start from the beginning.
mummy woke me up at 8.30...asking me ridiculous questions.
dressed...I looked good and to church we went.
10.30am...church finished and we went to lunch.
lunch was ruined by the vendor who mixed up the orders...so I had to eat mushroom minced meat noodles with chilli. I mean I can eat chilli, but preferably not and then we went to THE store. so now I can say this...I am finally connected to the world...I have FINALLY joined the massive herd of sheep in our society today, not forgetting all the other people in the world too, and am connected!!
you, dear reader, must have NO idea what I am talking about...well let me release this piece of great news to you..slooooooooooooooooowly.

I HAVE A HANDPHONE!!!

did you get that? no? okay here it is again.

I HAVE A HANDPHONE!!!

if you think that this piece of news is ab-so-lute-ly 'no big a deal to you' then go to hell...okay...I didn't mean that. just in case you were wondering...it's a 3120...silvery...shiny...nice. nicer than my sister's...mwahaha. but I don't deserve it...I feel bad...but anyway, it's here, in my hands, and I feel weird and bad.
okay...enough of the ecstacy.
helped mummy peel the french beans and sweet peas and then I went ot iron. I was in that tiny lil' room, isolated from the rest of the world, as my sense of smell was constantly assaulted by the smells coming from the kitchen outside where my mum was, and I was there for...eh...2 and a half hours? about there. I feel so proud. the stacks if clothes are so high and the basket is so empty. if you are having this vision of clothes not being ironed for weeks on end...you are not totally wrong...make it 2 weeks...haha. so the stacks are preeeeeeeeetty high.
after that went to my room for some solitude, listened the kevin kern, fell asleep for awhile and then came out and now I am here. will be going to watch the moulin rouge later. can I say nicole kidman has one of the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen? I just said it. roight....now I am talking to myself.
my mum and 2 sisters seem to be ahving a hard time opening the fruit cocktail in the can. cos I can hear it.......

I feel empty today...like something is missing.
just don't know what it is.
9.00am woke up
breakfast, washed vegetable and cooked lunch.
mummy went out and I watched Lavender.
played the piano.
did work.
watched happy sunday...did that shock you?
nvrm
slept.
malcolm in the middle.
the simpsons
cooked dinner.
and now I am here.
kevin kern is good, he makes me feel.

humans...we are supposed to lead a balanced life, but yet the balance is so hard to find.
Does it mean that if you want to be sucessful in life, you have to give up the things you enjoy doing? (unless your source of joy means or has to do with making tonnes of money...)
I mean look at me...for study's sake, I gave up piano...and right now, I seriously don't think that this action was even worth it....AT ALL, cos I have this feeling that I would have been much happier if I were still doing it. I have scores which I yearn to play and I yearn to hear the beautiful sound of the music which comes from it.
everytime I see someone one playing the piano...I'll just stop there and listen. I mean seriously...I only have ears for the piano and it makes me cry that I can't do it anymore. why did I give it up? why is it I didn't listen to myself and not let it go?
to the reader...if you have found YOUR balance then guess what? I and damn fucking jealous of you, but at the same time...I hope you don't lose it. if you haven't...then join the club.


I don't know if talking to me or what I said to you would help you in your desicion, but for one thing I hope that you will come to a desicion that you will be happy with and a desicion that you will be proud of when you look back on it. whatever the desicion, I will be here to help you if I can. take your time...but I cannot make this desicion for you, I can only support you and that, is something I can say I am willing to do =).

let the wind blow dry the tears that have been shed
one day I will have my own sky


can I say that GP sucks...NO not general paper, I'm talking about geometric progression. I just can't do it. I dunno...why has it been like that lately. I feel damn useless...and I just wanna cry. What happened to me? why am I not like I was before? why isn't it's just become SO hard. I don't know...I don't know. it's like I've lost all direction. everything is just so screwed up. for some reason I just can't let the 'o's go.
FINE I'll say it. I think I definitely deserved MORE than I got. I mean...why is it so unfair. why has it been unfair to me the past 3 years...I just don't know what's wrong. no matter how hard I work...it just doesn't show and why is it some people can get away with doing so little. I don't understand...WHY?!??!
for 7 years of my life I have passed that building near my house...telling myself that I'm gonna be THERE someday and guess what, heaven has decided to play a mean trick on me or rather thinks that I don't deserve to be there...and I happened to be in the one further down the road. when is it enough...when is it too much...what am I doing wrong? I hate it...this feeling of being lost and not knowing where to go. I have NEVER felt this way, I always manage to be the best and never have I fallen short of my ambitions. when I saw what I got in prelims...I swore I'd woken up and I worked. I put my heart and soul into it...and if all my effort really amounts to what I have on that paper, then perhaps these 14 years I have been deceived by my own eyes as to what I am really capable of.
I'm just an average student...I don't top the class, level, school or nation neither have I won scholarships or any shit like that, although I wouldn't deny that I have had hopes. but I have never asked for much...all I wanted was to hit what I knew I could to the best of my ability and I have been doing that much, somehow it has become to hard. each defeat just makes me loose the confidence I have or had in myself all those 14 years. no matter what I do, it just doesn't seem to work, I'm at my wit's end, I can't think of anything else, I can't seem to get back on track.
I've just become really unhappy. maybe it's something to do with that. but what really makes me happy...music and dance. somehow playing the piano or listening to it and dancing to hip-hop can make me forget everything...just like sleeping. however I've somehow lost all ways of getting to it. piano...although it was HELL getting the practices right, I was happy doing it...the sense of accomplishment when a piece I played comes out beautifully is just indescribable...it just cannot be put into words and piano music just evokes so much feeling and I feel devoid of emptiness. dance...what else can I say. it just makes me feel free...happy, I feel relaxed and it makes me feel good about myself, you would never believe the effort I would put in for it. just look at SYF...I thought it was one of the best things I did in my life. although zaki was a bitch, he was damn good and I loved doing those steps over and over. along the way...I just lost both of these sources of my happiness.


the higher the hopes...the harder the fall, is this right?
all these things just make me wonder...will I be happy later on in my life?

hehe...
got bored and found this on my friends lj...quite fun
my results:


Advanced
You scored 80% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 55% Expert!
You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

here's the link...see how good you are...haha
The Commonly Confused Words Test


and another...
results...
Fire
You are 52% Extroverted and 27% Chaotic


Virtue - Fire people exhibit righteousness. These people conform to the standard of moral law. They do what is right and are known for their sense of fair play. They are truthful, straight-forward, just, upright and virtuous in their dealings with other men.


Core - They demonstrate courage, fortitude, zeal and pugnacity. They have the mental and moral strength that enables them to venture into unknown waters and to persevere and withstand danger. They seldom show fear and are confident in their actions. They have mettle, resolution, and tenacity. They can face danger or difficulty without flinching or retreating. They will fight for their principles and have a stubborn persistence that is unwilling to recognize defeat. They have grit, back bone, guts, and are willing to keep fighting under all odds. They are aggressive and thrive on challenge.


Nature - Their essential characteristic qualities are liveliness, energy, ardor, enthusiasm, courage and action. They have a firm, courageous and assertive disposition which is their most characteristic qualitiy.


Drives - These people like to win or be the best in anything they pursue. Their aggressive nature makes them just one big ego. There is nothing more stimulating to them than to win, and there is nothing more depressing to their ego than to lose. They strive to be the center of attention and are at home when showing-off.


Vice - They are determined, spiteful and revengeful. When angered, they will go to almost any extreme necessary to get revenge, and that revenge will more often be at the moment of the anger. When they're mad they want everyone around them to be mad. They are spiteful and will deliberately and openly do things which irritate someone to the point of anger. They are very short-tempered and anger easily. They are straight-forward and have no reservations about hurting the feelings of others, and they are prone to inflict physical pain as well as mental pain. Just as the main virtue of this sign is being just and right, its main fault is deceit.


which element ae you?

tuesday!!
yes I am feeling much better, although it was and IS still bothering the hell outta me. I mean, my mum isn't exactly being very comforting and to hear her smirking and shaking her head at the table when I tell her the grades for my subjects isn't exactly very comforting and when she was talking to my aunt on the phone, it's as if I'm not there. yeah...and my AUNT was the one doing the 'it's not so bad...you did good'. so yes I still feel useless and that I let the whole world around me.
ANYWAY...away with the depression. today was tiring. I was falling asleep through out physics and math lects...yes, meaning having a hard time staying awake. today's tuitorials weren't that bad actually. chem lect was replaced with a talk by brother paul or actually mostly by students...talked about why they stayed in CJC and all that stuff.
roight...I dunno what I wanna do...I don't wanna stay in CJC partly because my sis was there...but yeah, I have NO idea where else I wanna go. Part, more like 60%, wants to go to NJC, the other bit says I should stay in CJC; after all there's still so much I don't really know about it. In other words I am not looking at the whole big picture.
pe today was tiring, I was about to fall asleep during our session on volleyball. got better as it progressed though, the dig, set and spike was like damn exciting or something....haha. played a little match, hehe...I have nothing to say...haha.
after that decided to go to the gym and do weights with frankie and sara, which apparently was thwarted as the gym had to close for some unknown reason. so ended up sitting outside the gym and just talking away. I thought it was rather good, guo shiong came later too....so five people just talking a bunch of crap, yeah I liked it...it's the small things in life that make you happy. I know it don't seem like anything much...but I thought it was good.
yesterday...so depressed about the 'o's I didn't even post about the nice stuff that happened in the day. I think the most fun was basketball...the marists weren't around except for liang wang and hendrik so it was a rather balanced game. I shot in 3 (clap larh!!), it's nice being on sara's team. it's like once he gets the ball...I know he's gonna bring it ALL the way down...haha. Yes...so next time, I wanna be on sara's team, but opposite ben, how kiat and hendrik. Okay hendrik isn't worse than how kiat...but yea...you get the idea.
it's so fast...3 months about to be over...everybody wants to go somewhere else.
I'm gonna miss the 4 marists at the back...I mean although they mnake tonnes of noise and don't do their work, I'll miss'em for that.
I'm gonna miss guo shiong's cuteness...I mean although he is...um...okay 'pain in the neck' is too strong, but maybe his liveliness, blurness and actually when he's quiet...he's actually nice to talk to.
I'll miss jeremy, cos he is just plain nuts, his falseto screaming is just outrageous.
I'll miss sara...cos I think we click so well, I mean...we always manage to make each other laugh like hell. now where can I get an indian who make me laugh like that and be silly with me and basically...just laugh it all off in the end.
I'll miss zibbie, qiuhong and grace....for contributing to the noise and bringing tonnes of life to the class and making lessons somewhat more fun.
I'll miss yanyi and sofia. yanyi for her massages which for some reason keep me awake, her feng1 you3 to soothe me, her cuteness although sometimes it scares me...sofia, for opening my eyes as to how soundly and easily a person can sleep during class and her over-reacting and right now...her sexy voice...LOL.
I'll miss frankie and cynthia for being such great company in the front. the small ijtp family.
I'll miss melvin for his uniqueness...I mean the guy is always skipping when we run outside of school. so it'll be like *skipskip* go gen *skipskip* and he will skip on by
I'll miss klum for his bimboticness, which I recently picked up on...so laughable and the way he rolls his eyes and his actions...yeah...bimbo.
I'll miss hendrik, for we can talk about random stuff, no pressure. very relaxing.
I'll miss jonathan for just being himself...he's so calm and yeah...especially sitting in front of him.
I'll miss klee the patrician...I'll never forget his big screw up at cooking and that he's great at pool and that he and the guys always do rather surprising things together, big eye-opener.
I'll miss how kiat's weirdness and the uneasiness he invokes in all of us when he's around, especially when he plays sports and pool...yeah.
I'll miss dalton...and dalton's law of partial pressures *okay...that's lame* I mean...he's helpful and yeah...a great person to know...seeing as I don't know him well too...so it's quite a waste actually.
I'll miss jesse...cos, he's there and if he were to suddenly disappear...it would seem like something was missing.
and of course I'll miss benjamin. For just being there, helping me...correcting all my carelessness and his lameness =).
that's 23 people.
basically...I'll just miss this class, but we may meet sometime, here or there or maybe never, but it was NOT a mistake meeting them.


erika...thanx so much for calling...did I tell you I LOVE talking to you?!!?