I feel so tired...I have no idea why...
anyway, the week was utter chaos...had like dance everyday from arounf 5-7 each time...but now it's finally over, as in all the training and stuff. I have a big blister on my foot, actually my toe. Other than that...the week was just pretty normal and stuff, putting aside the extreme tiredness.
next week would be like the last week of school for the term and it would be time to start muggung for mid-years. Like OMG there's so much stuff to study for, I cannot stand it...I'm already panicking, going to pull my hair out. I hate this man...it's like study, study all day long...I just want everything to stop for a while so I can sit down and stop rushing around. I want a holiday... I just want everything to stop so badly.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
a whole day ruined...just like that...
at first it was salvageable...but now it's just in ruins...
time is hard to come by as it is...so I'm starting to doubt myself.
It was all planned out (for the first time)...what we were going to do...where we were going to go and then mummy decided to ask me to help my dad in the afternoon. I thought it was all over...but there was still some possibility of it happening.
I don't know if what I did was wrong. maybe if I just hadn't said ANYTHING at all...it just wouldn't even have started at all. At first I didn't know why I got angry....then I thought it was the way he looked at me...to me it was as if he was frustrated, maybe even pissed (I don't know) and just wanted me to shut up. He assumed I got angry because he had told her...but it didn't really feel right with how I felt. He said it was okay...she doesn't mind at all...so why should I be so pissed about it. but that just wasn't it...it still seemed to be how he looked at me or treated me earlier on.
After sitting down for a while...everything just fell into place. It seemed that for him...what mattered was not how I felt when he told her...but that she didn't mind what I said. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or just bitchy...but to me when I tell him something, I regard him as a confidante, which was why I said it without any worries...not some messenger. For me, I felt that there was a breach of trust...am I making a mountain out of a molehill?? He said that she doesn't really mind, that it was a game that they play all the time...and that anyway he can't keep so many things inside.
What does that mean?
It makes me feel like it isn't safe to tell him things anymore...he could just blurt out what I feel is private and confidential, just between the two of us. after all we are 2 different people, even if we do agree on some things there would definitely things we don't agree on.
am I just being oversensitive? bitchy? paranoid? pathetic even?
i'm just so tired...I feel so self-conscious...like some loser
at first it was salvageable...but now it's just in ruins...
time is hard to come by as it is...so I'm starting to doubt myself.
It was all planned out (for the first time)...what we were going to do...where we were going to go and then mummy decided to ask me to help my dad in the afternoon. I thought it was all over...but there was still some possibility of it happening.
I don't know if what I did was wrong. maybe if I just hadn't said ANYTHING at all...it just wouldn't even have started at all. At first I didn't know why I got angry....then I thought it was the way he looked at me...to me it was as if he was frustrated, maybe even pissed (I don't know) and just wanted me to shut up. He assumed I got angry because he had told her...but it didn't really feel right with how I felt. He said it was okay...she doesn't mind at all...so why should I be so pissed about it. but that just wasn't it...it still seemed to be how he looked at me or treated me earlier on.
After sitting down for a while...everything just fell into place. It seemed that for him...what mattered was not how I felt when he told her...but that she didn't mind what I said. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or just bitchy...but to me when I tell him something, I regard him as a confidante, which was why I said it without any worries...not some messenger. For me, I felt that there was a breach of trust...am I making a mountain out of a molehill?? He said that she doesn't really mind, that it was a game that they play all the time...and that anyway he can't keep so many things inside.
What does that mean?
It makes me feel like it isn't safe to tell him things anymore...he could just blurt out what I feel is private and confidential, just between the two of us. after all we are 2 different people, even if we do agree on some things there would definitely things we don't agree on.
am I just being oversensitive? bitchy? paranoid? pathetic even?
i'm just so tired...I feel so self-conscious...like some loser
Sunday, May 07, 2006
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
right now, at a glance...everything seems to be in order...
I seem to have gotten a lot more organised and it makes me feel good...
I mean, all my work gets done, and I'm going for all these extra classes and I'm handling the workload well compared to others.
but when I just sit and think quietly...I actually have so many things to get in order actually
Sometimes I get so scared and panic...cos my mind has a way of multiplying or exponentially increasing the amount of work that I have to do. or I just choose to sit and do nothing...cos my minds gotten tired of panicking and stuff. so it just gets pretty extreme...and frankly it's just driving me crazy.
I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm screwing up everything...and for some unknown reason...the more I do something about it...it kinda gets worse...
other things aside...I've had another item added to me schedule..that would be the PAC opening thingamajig. Quite hard to believe that after like what, months? the place has yet to be OPENED!! anyway, last dance practice I was super mentally tired, so I was having the hardest time catching steps and doing...wrong foot, wrong move, wrong turns, wrong timing....hopefully it gets better. it's gonna be practices in school until then. as for elections, yes... PAP won once more...no surprise there, but the opposition is closing in on them, so they gotta get their together. Cos it seems there are less people taking their bullshit anymore...haha...I shall be going to watch the simpsons now...NEW SEASON!!! weee!!! haha...I need so sarcsm and morbid humour right about now. ciao!!!
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
right now, at a glance...everything seems to be in order...
I seem to have gotten a lot more organised and it makes me feel good...
I mean, all my work gets done, and I'm going for all these extra classes and I'm handling the workload well compared to others.
but when I just sit and think quietly...I actually have so many things to get in order actually
Sometimes I get so scared and panic...cos my mind has a way of multiplying or exponentially increasing the amount of work that I have to do. or I just choose to sit and do nothing...cos my minds gotten tired of panicking and stuff. so it just gets pretty extreme...and frankly it's just driving me crazy.
I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm screwing up everything...and for some unknown reason...the more I do something about it...it kinda gets worse...
other things aside...I've had another item added to me schedule..that would be the PAC opening thingamajig. Quite hard to believe that after like what, months? the place has yet to be OPENED!! anyway, last dance practice I was super mentally tired, so I was having the hardest time catching steps and doing...wrong foot, wrong move, wrong turns, wrong timing....hopefully it gets better. it's gonna be practices in school until then. as for elections, yes... PAP won once more...no surprise there, but the opposition is closing in on them, so they gotta get their together. Cos it seems there are less people taking their bullshit anymore...haha...I shall be going to watch the simpsons now...NEW SEASON!!! weee!!! haha...I need so sarcsm and morbid humour right about now. ciao!!!
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