The end of another year and things I need to remember and do

The year's drawing to a close and since I'm all alone with nothing to occupy my mind (or procrastinating...)I decided to think about what is going to be 'last year' in a few years.

I've made many leaps and bounds this year. I did my honours, graduated and found my first job without much difficulty and delay after school. Another year together with the most wonderful man and, I hope, have grown closer in my walk with God.

There were also bad times, times I look back on and regret my actions. Leading to many questions about myself and what I'm turning into.

1)Incidences where that bit of self-confidence I taught myself to have in place for my low self esteem had turned into a somewhat snobbish and stubborn nature, unwilling to listen to others. I constantly remind myself not to be this way and hope there is some effect to it.

2)Work has also brought it's own set of demons, with gossiping and complaining being some of the more prominent things I have to to keep in mind not to be a part of. To just listen and not process and not let it affect my work attitude. Another thing about work, and I don't know if other first-time job holders also have this, is the pressure I put on myself to perform. I often think and possibly over-analyse that someone might get the better end of the deal or someone might outperform me. I just want so much to be...I don't know...favoured???  I'm told that I'm doing well, but somehow I'm not convinced. I think I'm just so stressed out I don't even see it. The minute I start getting confident I start to worry if what I'm doing is right, which leads to me doubting myself and when I doubt something could go wrong. When something does go wrong, I think I'm not good at my job and the rest just possibly goes to hell.

I don't know how to stop this manifestation of thoughts and no matter how I explain it, he can't comfort me enough.

3) Publishing. I NEED TO GET STARTED. Seeing the amt of work I have to put in just shuts me off. I've become rather lazy indeed. I do not like that, but I think every human has this inertia in them when it comes to some forms of work. The thing is when you get started it's a lot easier, but the issue is how to get started. Ea is just high. I really need to get it started.

It's short but it is a horrible mess to sort out.

The importance of first thoughts

Be too nice and you get stepped on, try to be a bit meaner and you're a bitch, judgmental etc. (depending on the situation).

Think a little further and some people appreciate it whereas some people think you cause more trouble, inconsiderate, lazy stubborn etc. (basically all the horrible things that never crossed your mind when you had good intentions).

I get that we cannot make everyone happy, but there seems to be a trend that has been occurring. I always regret not accepting the first thoughts or actions that pop into my head. I think a bit more about it and then all the stuff goes to crap. People think you're lazy, inconsiderate and whatnot. These thoughts used to be what I always act on, but lately not. I don't know what happened.

Maybe I'm just downright a horrible person.

Repressed feelings?

Help?

Confidence

Confidence. Something so simple, yet so hard to earn.

For me, I either have too much or too little of it. Why? I don't know. Even for things I do so often.

Thinking too much? Probably, but then I get careless. Not thinking it through enough? Leads to hesitation, doubt and worrying.

All this yoyo-ing is just getting to me, making me wonder why I cannot be a better 'me'. Why can't I be the better person I envisioned myself to be. Instead, I'm constantly watching someone else who has or seems to have 'everything'. Why did I turn out like...this. I think I'm waiting or maybe a little desperate, for a sympathy vote and have been hinting at it, but as usual I'm not getting any. Neither my family nor even the person I depend on the most have come close to anything like it. I wonder why, am I not deserving of one or maybe they're just not wired that way. I find it difficult to cry it out despite going through these monthly phases of self-condescension. Most of the time I just dismiss it as a time where my emotions are just getting to me and going on overdrive, thus affecting my brain. Now, I'm thinking they could be sort of a 'this is the reality of you' kind of note-to-self that I don't see outside this monthly phase.

Your work at hand? Is this your way to break me? Maybe to get me talking, relying more on you as I keep saying?

Pray.