I don't understand

What is this supposed to mean?

Is this my fault? That I overestimated myself or underestimated this exam?

Is this some sort of punishment? For not  spending more time practicing? For doubting?

The pain is just unbearable. Just when I think that things can't get any worse they do. So it seems ANYTHING I do... Things can only get worse. So any little bit of 'up' can suffice . Is that the point? So that I am so low that I'll take whatever small benefit I get?

Or have I been having it too good?

I just did the unthinkable. I don't know if I should be crying, because I want to. On one hand, I want to cry so hard that I can't  breathe because I think I might feel better. On the other, I just feel I feel so empty.

And I have no one to tell this to.

CNY day 2

Who needs horrible relatives when you have parents who absolutely hate each other. I don't even know if hate is the right word, more of how each others very existence and aura just pushes all the wrong buttons.

One just stews in his righteous juices while the other constantly points out the bad things within earshot of the other.

The perfect example of tit-for-tat.

Sometimes it's just better to be apart than to be a part of each others lives.

New day

Yesterday was just horrendous.

At the moment I saw the police cars my heart just sank, my mind panicked. An alternative route calmed me down but when the one ray of hope that I had turned out to be nothing more than what I saw on jalan bahar, I didn't know to be angry or to cry. I told myself I still had some time before 24 hours was up, plus there was also the possibility of everything being done by 2 pm.

Hours passed and I just say there helpless as the clock approached 5pm. In those few hours, I understood what it was to be angry at God. Why wasn't he fighting for me? Was it something that I did? Do I need to change things? It also didn't help when my only human source of comfort never failed to disappoint with words that some of the friends I have would say on my Facebook as a two - liner.

I am tired and the urge to give up during these lows is high. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle.

Tell me. Please.

Are you there?

Are you fighting for me?

Am I not fighting hard enough?

Person

In the words of Meredith Grey: "I need a person who's in it with me"

I need someone who will let me rant my concerns, understand why I'm so crappy at dealing with these kinds of situations. Someone I can cry to and be comforted.

I don't need chastising remarks. Most of all from you. I don't think I have ever said anything with such a tone to you or maybe you're just better than me.

I need a person and you're just not it.

Indifference

There seems to be no solution to broken human relations. At least from a non-professional angle for broken human relations that is just a tangled web of lies, hate, pain and anger.

There is no room for any remote goodness. The land of reconciliation is an island that just does not exist to the human eye.  So we keep sailing, aimlessly, in this sea of lies, hate, pain and anger where there are occasional upwellings, storms and tsunamis.

It takes two hands to clap, so if one party has done wrong, they can safely say that the other has done likewise. As to whether the crime/wrong is in equal weight is another matter altogether. Not that I believe in weighing it out. Our pride is just so much bigger than our ability to be the bigger person to take the first step to giving way. Sometimes the relationship has become so full of anger and frustration that we can no longer continue in doing the right thing. I will never forget what my sister said to me the other day, to paraphrase

"I always treat people the same no matter how they treat me because at least I know that I have not done wrong to the other person"

I have this extreme urge or need to find a way to fix this but maybe there isn't a way? Perhaps the crucial factor is the people involved who just cannot say sorry to each other.

Would indifference make life easier? Probably. Would indifference make the life of those around me easier? Probably not.

So what do I do? What can I do?