Screwed over

The day started with trepidation. Worrying about what had happened to my samples in my absence and what will happen to them with my handling.

The nutrients were added and the silicate disappeared unlike the last time. Which is good, and the pH did not rise much. High tide was not too late so the samples were sent back to the lab on time. I even had time to process two more samples from my backlog from the previous trial - only 8 more to go  T.T

Then shit started, one you said you can send me back...then you said you cannot. Fine... Then the person with the car just sends a message and doesn't reply. At least just tell me you might not be able to make it. Then, I have no idea what happened but we could have been on time, instead we ended up late. Not just late, grossly late. I am trying hard to give the benefit of the doubt here.

What. The. Hell.

I just want to be left alone for a while. To be free of other people's actions defining what I do next.

Sadness

With no expectation there will be no disappointment

Lost of interest

I'm unhappy. I don't have a word to describe it. 'Boring' is an a understatement. Taking each other for granted? I really don't know what's happening. Do you even feel that there's something amiss?

This isn't the first time this is happening. We've both been busy, me even longer, and it's been the cause of the inability of us to have some time to ourselves, take a holiday and all that jazz. So yeah, I thought I'd be more understanding during this time and let it pass, but today was just disappointing.

I've been wanting to go to places and you've been tired, so fine we spend it indoors to get rested. But the minute someone else wants to go, you just go. No excuses.

I just don't know what to say. Maybe I really just need to spend time alone or just away from you with someone else. So that everything doesn't have to revolve around you.

Time of need

I've been feeling this sense of helplessness for a very long time. These feelings of yours are probably similar to a certain degree. I, for one, do not know how to make you feel better because I'm not even there yet. You are not the person I need and I do not know if you know whether I am the person you need.

I always thought that you were all I need, but through all this time I realised it was not so. Speaking to you about my problems, trials etc. I had no feeling of a burden shared. Which, personally, I felt quite  emotionally confused about.

Perhaps it's me not having the right outlook when you dish out advice or words of encouragement and comfort. Instead, it was an unlikely person that was able to help me feel better. He is going through similar experience emotionally, but it would be unfair to compare this as we have no control over the  experiences that just come to us out of circumstance. But it was because I found someone who, like me, is learning to draw strength from a higher being. God, where we can lay our troubles down at his feet. Cry out to him, for comfort, guidance or just to seek refuge from the chaos. Phrases such as 加油 and 'you can do it' have this element of me doing everything on my own strength, which right now I lack. Someone who understands that and can walk together with me as I depend on God is something important now.

If you cannot carry me, how can I ask you to. And if I can't carry me, I don't think I can carry you. Instead we need God, which right now, you are not interested to allow in.

Frustration

I don't know if it's because it's the time of the month but the lack of commitment is just pissing me off real easily.

I wanted to go to BTNR you say it's wet, fine. I asked last month if we can go see hobbiton, you said after the school holidays. Fine, it's been three weeks since the school holidays are over. All you want to do is stay in and sleep. It's fine, some relaxation and company is good but seriously? ALL THE TIME? I said I wanted to watch the hobbit on my own you wanted to come over and watch with me. Fine. You said you'll come after church, which became after lunch and then it was let me nap for a while. After which I already knew it wasn't going to happen. So I'll just watch it on my own. Which was what I wanted to do originally, I'm just irked that you said you wanted to come and watch it... Only to just decide not to.

I mean come on. I'd rather do this stuff on my own. At least, I'll get to do it.

Another gripe I have is how we always have these serious conversations over WhatsApp and when we meet there's nothing said or the conversation is as short as anything. Why?

Just pure frustration. Maybe all this is just coming up because I cannot go out and eat normally yet, so I'm beginning to nitpick.