I ended up working 6.5 days instead of 7. I don't mind it most days... But some days, it does get to you. Like now.
I wish I had a better way or outlet to express how upset I feel now but there isn't. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes I can just look pass it. But today's just not one of those.
I've finally been able to move on with my experiments but therein lies the constant fear that I have not done something right. This new component requires me to work 7 days a week. Some part of me just says you have no choice just take this challenge head on... But another part of me is dying a little inside. It wonders how things will turn out. Will I survive this well? How will the people around me take this? I haven't received any verbal encouragement. Something which I need because I have so much negativity inside of me now. My self esteem has taken a brutal beating over the pass three years. Although things seem to be going well-ish on the outside, I feel lost. Almost as if I am losing myself.
Plus, I think and process so many thoughts, some of which I have no conclusion or have no idea how to even begin voicing out. Does voicing it out do us any good? Will it make the situation better? Is there a good time to chat about it? Negativity with a low self esteem is not the best combination. I'm trying so many things, pills exercising, piano. I just want these thoughts to stop
Is it your plan to destroy me? Or is this supposed to make me stronger?
Should I then just let you destroy me? Why should I fight it? Maybe it's just so that I can make myself feel better knowing I had put up a good fight?
Am I becoming stronger? Or am I just perpetually in denial, running away only to come back just as weak everytime?
Help me... I beg you... I plead with you. I'm overwhelmed with hopelessness and helplessness. Are you not a God of love and compassion? The one with plans for me to prosper and not for failure and disaster. The one who will give me wisdom if I ask as long as I believe in you. Seek and I will find.
The thing is... It's been so silent. Have I been doing all this wrong?
The one thing I wish I have now....a box where I step in and all my worries are blocked. Just for a little while . Like a firewall.
I suppose it would be rather addictive over time and soon I'd probably be living in it. These feelings of depression and devastation are just so self-consuming. I don't know if I'm being slowly destroyed or, to put it nicely, changed. Right now, all I can say is it's been rather brutal. If this is God's plan to better me, I honestly do not know if I'm doing a good job of it.
What do I need to do? Or rather what do I need to do first? How do I make this journey more joyous? Do I need what I think I need?
Change my mindset? Perhaps I need to stop thinking that I'm stuck, and more of I'm making my way out.
Do I need someone with me? God never intended for man to be alone. But maybe it's not time. Maybe it is, and I'm just stubborn and listening to everyone's input.
Am I no looking hard enough for the joy?
What is it? Do I need to change but have not?
You're tired, I'm tired.
How do I even begin to tell you about my day.
How I feel so sad I feel like crying so hard.
How I feel so lost
How I feel like a failure
How it's just one of those days where no matter what you have done, things don't go right
How that makes you feel hopeless and wanting to cry
How having these feelings of dread makes you feel upset. Because, for all the blessings you've received, you just cannot feel happy.
I clearly did not think this experiment through properly. I don't know why. 😰
Firstly, I was pleasantly surprised that I could fit all my treatments into one run. So I thought, ha! This could go faster than I thought. Then on the day itself, I realised I had forgotten to factor enough controls... =. = fine... Just cut it down and then whilst setting I had a rude awakening. I had forgotten to add the nutrients. *facepalm* oh well... Too bad just set it all up.
Today, I remembered the nutrients. YES! Things should go well... And then... I had another realisation. I didn't add in a set without sediment to compare the feeding rates. I mean I could use the previous rounds but it's just better if you run it all together. So! Friday is another repeat. Oh the stupidity.
Fear of what you will hear.
Fear that you will hear what you think of yourself out loud, from the people that matter to you
Sometimes I stay up, thinking that by doing so I can prolong a day.
Especially one that was so carefree and full of happy moments.
Then I realise I'm just screwing up the next day.
Oh life.
It was a tiring day. It was just one of those days where you just want to get out and go somewhere else but if you left, everything else down the line would suffer. Besides, I had a few days I took off early, I guess I should just endure it through.
I cleared my backlog of chlorophyll in the morning at a comfortable pace. I was also glad that Kai Wei suggested we go for an early lunch. More specifically before the business update. Which would mean that I would not have to eat alone as I had already intended to skip it.
Went straight back to the lab and the setting up took rather long as the culture was declining. This made it much more difficult to find females. After everything was in, it was followed by the usual process of filtering. It was at this point that I suddenly had a energy crash. I started to just work on muscle memory. I managed to concentrate on cleaning the tanks but things started to go downhill from there, right at that moment when I dropped the plastic jug and saw that it had cracked. I was upset. I seem to be the one breaking all the things that had been around for a while. I decided to leave the lab momentarily as a breather and maybe ask around on my way out if there were new ones to replace it. If not, I'll just pop by and tell Jon about it, which did eventually happen.
Tired, I kept repeating the things I had to do in sequence.
1. Wash the carboy
2. Make asw
3. Bleach the machine
4. Flush the machine
5. Fill the machine with fsw
6. Prime the aperture
I had to rethink task 3 a few times. Do I drain the system first? Yes. No. Fill it back up. No... I should drain it and heat the diluent vessel with freshwater and bleach. Which I did, only to realise I should have put diluted bleach into the sampling glass to run counts with the aperture before all of that. Never mind, let's do it at the same time. I think it worked out fine, I just didn't get to priming.
I left and met baby at clementi to head to beauty world to see the interior designer. The mood wasn't pleasant, I felt we were both tired and it wasn't the place we wanted to be going at that point in time. A big part of me felt like I had dug my own grave and jumped into it. Why did I think this would be exciting?
The meeting went well I guess. It was out first meeting with an ID and we didn't know what to expect. There were a few points of tension but we managed to rein it in. He didn't show us any pictures, which on hindsight is a good idea, so we don't get influenced. So it was just talking and a bit of drawing on the floor plan.
We went for dinner and then went our separate ways as we just wanted to head home to rest. It was such a relief to be apart, it just felt rather oppressive being together. It's times like this I just feel like going out to do something on my own, without having to tell anyone anything. Like watch a movie, go for a walk, take the bus somewhere, go out for a meal on my own.
I have this small vision that I will be happier.
What do I want? Nowadays, my physical needs betray my emotional needs. I don't know what this means at all. I have, what seems like, this constant need to cry. Thing is, I don't know what for.
Well this is long overdue, seeing as the first quarter is half a month over.
The first quarter of the year was an emotional rollercoaster . Like rollercoaster of death ups and downs. Only to be disappointed at the end of the ride that there was nothing to come out of it. The data had no trends and my TAC was a bit disappointed because like me, no one knew the reason behind the lack of a trend. Was it really like this? I wasn't too convinced and neither were they. The progress of my fieldwork analysis wasn't going too well also. Having to drop analysing my replicates to finish in time. It just wasn't ideal. The only comfort was that the copepod local cultures were doing well.
After much thought, and discussion it was hypothesised that the copepods might need to be sexed and a trial proved that females ate two times more. A little bit of (^o^) cos we might have found the cause... But also :-[ because everything needs to be repeated. I've come to terms with it. I'm not joyously doing it.. But I think there is a bit of joy as slowly go through everything again. Because I think there's a bit of hope that changing something that has proved to have a difference might make all the difference to the results I got.
I worry everyday that this bubble will disappear and I feel a bit guilty because that means I don't fully trust in God's hand in my life. But as I work on that I always feel thankful that it has been working out so far.
2015 is now gone and a new year begins.
It was a tough year. Looking back on it, I can't even understand how I got through it. As I stepped into what is now last year, I already had my work cut out for me. The initial plan for my fieldwork was not working out I had to take action and change things up. Adding to that, my pillar of support was in a place 7 hours ahead of me. The loneliness was, at times, insurmountable. Lucky thing was... I got an amazing intern with enthusiasm that motivated me.
Things got better as he came back in March. Plus, the new sampling regime was working out, it being a million times more manageable than the previous. I managed to find the time to trial another experiment, which eventually would have its flaws and need major changes. Lara left in June and I had really lost a great worker.
Sampling stopped in the middle of the year and I found it more relaxing moving on to more lab-based experiments. Days started early and ended late. Occasionally even working on the weekends. However, it seemed more manageable working alone and less stressful. But soon enough issues started occurring which really just paralysed me. After thinking that I had already exhausted my ideas and ideas contributed by others I came to realise that all that was needed was. to refine the idea that I originally had.
The qualifying exam soon loomed and I had to face my fears retaking the exam that I had failed 6 months ago. Should I fail, I would be out of a PhD and would probably have some serious debts to pay. I was less confident than I was before but more careful. I still worried about it but I had shift my mind and prepare for the next component which was my presentation.
I struggled, I think for the first time, on how to present my work. It was so difficult to present all of it well. I just did not know what was enough, until I decided to make some daring cuts. Thankfully, it pushed the presentation in the right direction and I eventually passed. Many people said it was good and a call to celebrate, but I wasn't convinced that it was good. Maybe just alright. One good thing for me was that I was also able to visualise my time line. The time line I had to make just because of this presentation. But me being me, didn't quite believe it.
I probably should celebrate after this significant milestone. But I dove back into work trying to grab every ounce of time I could to do something. I often feel guilty about resting for too long. I ploughed on and soon received the good news that I would be receiving new interns soon. I got to know them and trained them. There were mistakes made but I tried not to be too hung up on them. I made it a point to treat them how I would want to be treated if I made a mistake. Mistakes really bug me and make me feel down when I make them so I did not want them to feel that way too. I try to explain things and get them to understand what I'm doing. To try to feel some sense of purpose even though this is a short stint and probably something they would forget after a while.
I don't know how the new year will be. Probably gonna be tough if not tougher than this year. I just hope I don't disappoint and find the drive I need.