On to more challenging times

I've finally been able to move on with my experiments but therein lies the constant fear that I have not done something right. This new component requires me to work 7 days a week. Some part of me just says you have no choice just take this challenge head on... But another part of me is dying a little inside. It wonders how things will turn out. Will I survive this well? How will the people around me take this? I haven't received any verbal encouragement. Something which I need because I have so much negativity inside of me now. My self esteem has taken a brutal beating over the pass three years. Although things seem to be going well-ish on the outside, I feel lost. Almost as if I am losing myself.

Plus, I think and process so many thoughts, some of which I have no conclusion or have no idea how to even begin voicing out. Does voicing it out do us any good? Will it make the situation better? Is there a good time to chat about it? Negativity with a low self esteem is not the best combination. I'm trying so many things, pills exercising, piano. I just want these thoughts to stop

What's happening

Is it your plan to destroy me? Or is this supposed to make me stronger?

Should I then just let you destroy me? Why should I fight it? Maybe it's just so that I can make myself feel better knowing I had put up a good fight?

Am I becoming stronger? Or am I just perpetually in denial, running away only to come back just as weak everytime?

Help me... I beg you... I plead with you. I'm overwhelmed with hopelessness and helplessness. Are you not a God of love and compassion? The one with plans for me to prosper and not for failure and disaster. The one who will give me wisdom if I ask as long as I believe in you. Seek and I will find.

The thing is... It's been so silent. Have I been doing all this wrong?

Nothing box

The one thing I wish I have now....a box where I step in and all my worries are blocked. Just for a little while . Like a firewall.

I suppose it would be rather addictive over time and soon I'd probably be living in it. These feelings of depression and devastation are just so self-consuming. I don't know if I'm being slowly destroyed or, to put it nicely, changed. Right now, all I can say is it's been rather brutal. If this is God's plan to better me, I honestly  do not know if I'm doing a good job of it.

What do I need to do? Or rather what do I need to do first? How do I make this journey more joyous? Do I need what I think I need?

Change my mindset? Perhaps I need to stop thinking that I'm stuck, and more of I'm making my way out.

Do I need someone with me? God never intended for man to be alone. But maybe it's not time. Maybe it is, and I'm just stubborn and listening to everyone's input.

Am I no looking hard enough for the joy?

What is it? Do I need to change but have not?