No time

Not even for sadness and tears.

Too bad.

Just got to move on.

What else can you do? Don't cry over spilt milk. If only how I feel now could comprehend this logic.

I just think too many things were going well for too long.

Eclipsed

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun, you are.”

- Grey's Anatomy

Maybe I need to change how I portray myself

Not entirely

There are times I really wish we were already in that phase and times I feel quite lucky we aren't.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I  were already in it. After all, you made a commitment so you just have to find ways to work it out. But I keep finding out new things, things that are not necessarily good. Things that I don't know if I could live with. Some of which, I feel could be my fault. In my haste to be tolerable and understanding, I think I have most probably let too many things slide. Things that make me unhappy. Very unhappy.

This bled over from this new outlook I took on in life. This outlook was supposed to prevent unhappiness in the people around me from occurring. Essentially keep the peace, not to be too opinionated, grumble etc. But small things accumulate and have repercussions over time too.

And now, I just don't know what's the most constructive way to deal with this.

only myself to blame

I let you convince me that you will help me.

Never again will I trust you on this. It's always you, what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Well just fuck that. All your sorrys are just full of crap and I have so much pent up unhappiness that I have nowhere, no one to tell and say to.

What is this?

I don't know what this is supposed to be. A trial by fire or just something which it's sole aim is to break me?

I seriously don't know whether to cry or to smile when people ask me how I am. Does smiling and saying everything's ok make things better? Maybe somehow convince me that things will get better? Whatever it is, I guess crying is just too much for anyone to take.

Overwhelmed

There are so many things I want to do for myself
1. Get my experiments done because if not I basically will never finish my PhD
2. Write my review paper, because no has done it yet. If it gets done, it could ger cited a lot, and unpublished work is not research
3. Spend time with my boyfriend just  because I need someone to go to to recharge and also to lean on when things get hard
4. Practice piano because it's a hobby they I enjoy doing
5. Catch up on my serials from time to time because it's something passive that I do to relax and get away from all the thinking I need to do all the time.
6. Exercise, this really is taking a back seat much to my dislike because I really feel that it's important to my wellbeing
7. Sleep, because if I don't, I fall sick and everything goes to shit

Some of these things can be done together to save the need to further split my time between them. Also, they don't all have to be done in the same day because things like spending time with my boyfriend don't happen everyday due to conflicting schedules sometimes.

Sleep: 6-7 hours
Experiments: 4 hours
Review paper: 3.5 hours
Eating: 3 hours during which, now and then, I squeeze in an episode of whatever it is I am watching
Travelling: 2.5 hours
Piano: 1 hour maybe

Seems pretty ok... But so many things happen in between. Like how productivity drops so things just take longer to get done. Or more like during the number of stipulated hours almost nothing gets done or there are distractions. Not forgetting things like having to attend class, other outside activities like teaching, going to church and Bible study.

Am I making this out to be a bigger problem than its supposed to be? Maybe I need to adhere to a timetable for this to work out properly so I don't fall flat on my face and suffer more...Maybe I'm just not doing things right?

So much for that

So much for speaking my mind. Everything I asked for almost always goes out the window.

Have a date night.... Didn't last.

Split dinner equally between the two places.... Nope. I still have dinner more often at his place, I have to ask to come over to my place and then get refused.

Wash up at my house because that's what I do at his place.... Nope. I do it all.

He wanted to spend time.. Sure... But all he did was play a game and WhatsApp a friend almost the whole night. Look, I have nothing against your friend, but firstly I'm tired so if you're going to this now; please just go home. This is no different to talking on the phone. At least if I'm alone, I can do what I want and I can go to sleep without bothering about anything else.

Sometimes if I don't ask for him to come over, my house is like a stopover to wait around for the next thing or a place to leave the car.

And another one

Now I have to prepare for my oral QE. I thought it was just a presentation but apparently I have to write up a 10-15 page document to convince the panel that I can do this.

So that's what the written QE is for? So that I can write another one later for my own project? Needless to say I am not taking this well. Myself being unconvinced about what I have done and plan to do, I have to convince these people that I can finish this. I don't feel at ease. Everyone said that the last round was easy and I failed... This time people say it's easy too.

I truly feel alone and I'm afraid I am slipping into depression. Perhaps it stems from the utter disorganisation resulting from the fact that everything is half done? Nothing is completed. Which is not how I usually function. And I thought I can deal with that since something isn't working out /is going to take some time to get prepped let's get something else done? But it just makes me feel worse when things don't work out.

I also don't feel that there's anyone I can talk to. Talking just leads to the same things said and it's not that I don't know them I just cannot emotionally resolve it. This is what I think cannot be solved by other people? Really?

Dream

I had a dream and it was a good one. I don't remember the details very clearly but it made me happy to see it happen.

Thinking back on it now just makes me feel somewhat sad though. Who knows if it will even happen?

Depression?

My happy pill is gone. I never thought that she affected my mood so much. It's a sort of quiet emptiness that I feel. That makes my heart jump for joy just that little bit when I hear her voice, see her call or receive her messages.

Is the mood enhancer working? I have no idea. Maybe the root lies in my lack of sleep. Maybe I need to be better organised? Two unfinished projects is one too many which really throws me off. I know that life is like that, you run into failures; life's not always smooth flowing. But knowing this does not help me. I need to get out of this rut of being obsessed with being afraid to fail, afraid to make a fool of myself trying etc. Which logically I know..but emotional wise I'm just dumb at trying to get over.

I don't want to carry on like this, I might fall into depression (maybe I already am). I want to be strong, persevere and get through it all.

I want to be happy

Do I really need it? A mood enhancer? I do feel down, a lot more than I used to and it makes me upset that I feel this way.

I really want to feel happy about what I do. I want people to feel excited about what I do and feel that what I study matters but I just don't think I can get my head around this.

Maybe it's the need to have some successes. Because it's been too many failures so far.

Another one gone

So we didn't get the flat again. It was our third try, and I must say that at least this time I had a good feeling about this flat. Almost everything about it was good; the location, price and size. The only thing was that we didn't know why the previous owner moved out or had to move out. Almost somewhat like our dream home?

But recently, I've been having second thoughts with the recent happenings. At first I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't even know he hurt my feelings. However after saying that I was still unhappy, he managed to pick out what could have been causing my unhappiness. Maybe I should have said it? Instead of waiting for him to pick up on it. Maybe I should have been more obvious about my discontent but instead I appear happy. After that, the apology seemed rather insincere. Somewhat playful.

Maybe I wasn't trusting enough? Maybe it was my constant dismissing that I probably wouldn't get it that made it turn out this way? Or there's something about the place that isn't right for us?

Beyond me

I had been awake since 5am and at 9pm you fall asleep. I really believe that there is a possibility you are more tired than me given that I can take breaks in between and you can't. But the thing that made me really upset/annoyed/disrespected/pissed off was that not only did you fall asleep, you made yourself comfortable before that. Put a pillow and lie down on it at the table. Most people would try not to, simply as a sign of respect, but I guess you didn't see much of a need to. I tried to ignore it but, for obvious reasons such as snoring, it was so difficult not to.

I just don't know what to think right now.

So what? It's OK.

So now everyone's happy, except me. But it's OK, because it's not important.

Then again, when is it ever important what I feel or need. As long as everyone around me is happy. After all, whatever is important is for me or to me is probably not that important after all.

My 2 cents on the issue

So the issue of raising children well came up. I will not say that I have experience in doing any of it... But I count myself lucky in having been raised well, so I at least know or have a benchmark for it. At the same time, I also know what to expect in return for the methods used. The worry or concern is definitely not unwarranted but some things are just excuses.

"I'm not him/her. How can I be that." like I said, it is the one excuse that would stop anyone from doing anything. Who in the world would say that I am you? Of course you're not him. If that were ever a good enough excuse for anything we would all not do anything, because essentially I definitely am not "you".

Frankly some of the most essential things is knowing what a child who is well brought up in like and of course being able to support the child in his or her development. If you know what a well raised child is like, and I don't just mean things not committing crimes, then at least you would know what you're aiming for your child to be like. These can come in the form of either values or the personality. Some examples could be being respectful toward elders, caring, concerned about others, having an inquisitive mind, quick to learn (and the list goes on...) but of course our expectations cannot stray away from reality and continue to be moulded by the reality that we face. For example, if you expect your child to be good at a particular activity and he isn't he may be good at something else. There will be things that you cannot compromise on such as breaking the law.

Another issue would be having the means to support your child. Money isn't everything but you definitely need it. Will you be able to support his interests e.g. Painting, sports etc. And support is development e.g. Childcare and enrichment activities. If you don't have the means to, do you have other areas of support you can draw from e.g. Parents or in laws. You would also need to decide what are essential and what are accessories and factor that in.

If you're unwilling to sacrifice your way of life now for the changes that are to come with a child then I, personally, would just tell you straight not to have any. As anyone will tell you, having children comes with making sacrifices and if you still don't believe the many people who tell you this and that the sacrifices are worth it then you either need to rethink this again at another time or just give up the idea.

Having kids is not for everyone just like how everyone leads life differently. So, if you suit a life without any, then why not? Just as long as careful consideration was put into making the final decision and you live without regrets.

Personally I have been raised well and so has my partner. In a place like Singapore, my worry is just providing and whether I can be the disciplinarian in the face of (what most people say) the cute face that is my child. Discernment comes with experience and I will say, God's guidance, in raising a godly child in this world. Plus, I also think that the upbringing of myself and my partner has given us a head start.

What am I supposed to think?

I don't know whether to be upset, angry or to cry.

I'm just so angry.

No apology nothing, because it's OK that I'm in trouble. After all, you don't have to deal with it. Just make her laugh, a few jokes here and there will do the trick.

Not only that, you dare to say you're tired? You did not even give two shits about what I have to do tomorrow morning at all. It was just let's have fun after all, leave now or later there's no difference.

Nothing, I got nothing in return.

I'm sorry, we just don't match up. We live in two different world's...and it's not happening again. Ever. Unless there's an airplane involved.

Holiday?

I'm tired....this holiday just didn't feel like a holiday. Again.

Waking up early... Lack of sleep....nonstop eating. All not what I have in mind as a holiday that I need. Plus, the endless mockery was just not needed.

The last thing I need is going home so late. After all these years I thought there would be some obvious difficulty in that. I try not to be the one who disrupts the party but I have my limits. What do I get? Maybe I was mocked? Or I was just upset and interpreted the tone that way.

I don't want to make the group upset so it did make me uncomfortable to say it but I expected something in return as well. The things is also, everyone is tired so I don't understand why we want to stay out so late. Because of the jam? I'm sorry, I just can't do it. Even if it means the same timing whether I was telling the truth or not.

I don't know how to process my thoughts right now. Should I have handled it otherwise? Or better?

Fear

I now know the feeling of fearing for your life.

I do not recall anything that has made me doubt myself, my capabilities and intellect this much. I stepped in the room with nervousness, but still having some remnant hope that I could still handle things based on my knowledge and experience. 

When the exam started, things already felt different. I short-listed two possible questions that I could do. You would think that this is good, because the last time I only had one. The difference this time was that I was only half confident of writing up both questions unlike the last time where I was fairly comfortable doing that one question. I took time to fully consider the question and even took time to write some pointers on the requirements for the question. 

After all of that, I proceeded to do question 13 on establishing MPAs since I was not comfortable writing about socio-economics in the other question, which was a major component. I started writing the introduction to ease myself into things, constantly referring to the question so that I would not stray and write up all the things spelt out in the question. Some parts really were not easy, especially since I could not recall a lot of common terms such as 'multi-variate analysis' and I also could not recall what an LIT entails. I just could not recall whether it only involved ID-ing or coral cover or both. So I scratched the idea and just put transects. The question also stated to choose three 'somethings' to from a list of variables that we were supposed to list down from biological, ecological, genetic and environmental categories mentioned in the question that would be important in considering potential candidate sites. I had questioned myself on whether the three were from the variables I had to list or were they the three categories from the four categories mentioned in the question. I remember that that based on the 'something' that was used in the question I deduced that it would be choosing three variables from what I had to list, since that was the last mentioned subject. Now I am not so sure since I cannot recall the exact wording. If I was wrong, I would have misread the question and everything would not be valid, and probably considered to not have met the criteria of the question. Lastly, I was supposed to come up with a way to assess the 'best sites'. I thought I could use an index to do this, then when I got to writing it I realised I did not have a very clear idea of how I would score this thing. So that might also bring me down since I felt that my writing was so muddling and I might just piss the examiner off but the confusion. But, what else to do, I had not other ideas on hand. I managed to squeeze in a small paragraph on significance which score me some points...or not since it was just two short paragraphs totalling to half a page.

Perhaps I was dumb to talk about it. I've never done coral surveys, nor have I read much on criteria on choosing MPA sites. What I know is based on simple surveys and I am not even sure they are suitable for fulfilling this objective. Talking about it, just brought up things that I had not written about. Knowing that the question was set to help me pass, was just burdensome. It has brought confidence a new low and now I doubt my capabilities even more. People always say when you're at the bottom the only way is up, but I am constantly finding new lows to hit. 

I'm here pouring out my grievances, as usual. Because, no one knows the depth of fear I am feeling now. Passing remarks of  'you'll be ok', 'you'll pass' and 'what's done is done, you can't do anything about it' just doesn't help. Strange thing is, the people close to me and who are acquaintances just tell me the same things. I'm not comfortable pouring out all the details of my worries to people I'm not close with so I just briefly mention some things to make it seem that I am ok. But with people I am close with, I don't even get a chance to get there. Those same remarks just get repeated again and again. So where do I go from here? Maybe this is something that I'm supposed to handle on my own since I can't find a person to unload my worries to. How I handle this would probably determine if I survive well through all this or if I end up crashing and burning. 

Things is, my track record of handling these things has never been great. 

down, down we go

I'm falling apart and the only thing I can do is to just keep doing things. Sometimes I can think it through, most of the time I cannot.

I'm in a state of panic and I don't know what to do. Do I tell someone, ask someone? What should I be able to do myself and not have to bother people with? Or am I in such a panicked state that I cannot see that I can solve all this on my own.

I need/want to let it all out, but I don't know where/ to who.

I need someone to tell me what to do, how to overcome this.

Time and time again

Another period of unhappiness solved by me saying "sorry"

No matter what my opinion is, I don't feel it's worth it to discuss or talk about anything. The responses are too predictable and disheartening. If you want to feel you're in the right ok. I'll give that to you. But as I repress all this, I cannot help but think that it will happen again. Then, once again, I will be standing there listening to the same things because it is the same things that will annoy me and get me into this situation.

I wish things were more transparent, because you always feel we should know exactly what you want to do but the instructions given are often so vague. But you strongly feel that you've done fine so, never mind.

You always insist that you have said thing's, written things, informed etc. But you always don't want to face up to the truth of what you really said. You see it as my urge to fight/quarrel with you. I don't want to fight /quarrel. There is enough of that going around, but then you will never know this because I will never tell you. I have more or less given up on reasoning or discussing anything.

Until next time.

Lost

What should I do now? Is it right to continue this way?

Should I give in? again? Is it what I should do?

Should I seek help? Where? Who? But it's not my secret to tell. Right?

The future

I do not know what God had planned for this relationship of ours. All I know is this, despite how sometimes your ways and habits get on my nerves, I have never found someone better than you. You love me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Give me so much even though I give you so little.

I pray that, even though you have yet to know him, God will give speak to you and give you wisdom to make the decisions you need to make when the time comes. Also, I pray that whatever the outcome, I will be able to accept it and that some day we will both hold hands with God, walking into our future. A future, right now, I wish we will be walking together into.

Screwed over

The day started with trepidation. Worrying about what had happened to my samples in my absence and what will happen to them with my handling.

The nutrients were added and the silicate disappeared unlike the last time. Which is good, and the pH did not rise much. High tide was not too late so the samples were sent back to the lab on time. I even had time to process two more samples from my backlog from the previous trial - only 8 more to go  T.T

Then shit started, one you said you can send me back...then you said you cannot. Fine... Then the person with the car just sends a message and doesn't reply. At least just tell me you might not be able to make it. Then, I have no idea what happened but we could have been on time, instead we ended up late. Not just late, grossly late. I am trying hard to give the benefit of the doubt here.

What. The. Hell.

I just want to be left alone for a while. To be free of other people's actions defining what I do next.

Sadness

With no expectation there will be no disappointment

Lost of interest

I'm unhappy. I don't have a word to describe it. 'Boring' is an a understatement. Taking each other for granted? I really don't know what's happening. Do you even feel that there's something amiss?

This isn't the first time this is happening. We've both been busy, me even longer, and it's been the cause of the inability of us to have some time to ourselves, take a holiday and all that jazz. So yeah, I thought I'd be more understanding during this time and let it pass, but today was just disappointing.

I've been wanting to go to places and you've been tired, so fine we spend it indoors to get rested. But the minute someone else wants to go, you just go. No excuses.

I just don't know what to say. Maybe I really just need to spend time alone or just away from you with someone else. So that everything doesn't have to revolve around you.

Time of need

I've been feeling this sense of helplessness for a very long time. These feelings of yours are probably similar to a certain degree. I, for one, do not know how to make you feel better because I'm not even there yet. You are not the person I need and I do not know if you know whether I am the person you need.

I always thought that you were all I need, but through all this time I realised it was not so. Speaking to you about my problems, trials etc. I had no feeling of a burden shared. Which, personally, I felt quite  emotionally confused about.

Perhaps it's me not having the right outlook when you dish out advice or words of encouragement and comfort. Instead, it was an unlikely person that was able to help me feel better. He is going through similar experience emotionally, but it would be unfair to compare this as we have no control over the  experiences that just come to us out of circumstance. But it was because I found someone who, like me, is learning to draw strength from a higher being. God, where we can lay our troubles down at his feet. Cry out to him, for comfort, guidance or just to seek refuge from the chaos. Phrases such as 加油 and 'you can do it' have this element of me doing everything on my own strength, which right now I lack. Someone who understands that and can walk together with me as I depend on God is something important now.

If you cannot carry me, how can I ask you to. And if I can't carry me, I don't think I can carry you. Instead we need God, which right now, you are not interested to allow in.

Frustration

I don't know if it's because it's the time of the month but the lack of commitment is just pissing me off real easily.

I wanted to go to BTNR you say it's wet, fine. I asked last month if we can go see hobbiton, you said after the school holidays. Fine, it's been three weeks since the school holidays are over. All you want to do is stay in and sleep. It's fine, some relaxation and company is good but seriously? ALL THE TIME? I said I wanted to watch the hobbit on my own you wanted to come over and watch with me. Fine. You said you'll come after church, which became after lunch and then it was let me nap for a while. After which I already knew it wasn't going to happen. So I'll just watch it on my own. Which was what I wanted to do originally, I'm just irked that you said you wanted to come and watch it... Only to just decide not to.

I mean come on. I'd rather do this stuff on my own. At least, I'll get to do it.

Another gripe I have is how we always have these serious conversations over WhatsApp and when we meet there's nothing said or the conversation is as short as anything. Why?

Just pure frustration. Maybe all this is just coming up because I cannot go out and eat normally yet, so I'm beginning to nitpick.

A pity

It only seems like a short while since he's been back but with this operation, it has made these five days long.

We haven't spent much time together... And it is a bit of a disappointment that I am still home alone.

Hopefully by Monday I can eat more things and life wouldn't taste so bad... Ugh. The sweet taste is just starting to get gross.

I don't understand

What is this supposed to mean?

Is this my fault? That I overestimated myself or underestimated this exam?

Is this some sort of punishment? For not  spending more time practicing? For doubting?

The pain is just unbearable. Just when I think that things can't get any worse they do. So it seems ANYTHING I do... Things can only get worse. So any little bit of 'up' can suffice . Is that the point? So that I am so low that I'll take whatever small benefit I get?

Or have I been having it too good?

I just did the unthinkable. I don't know if I should be crying, because I want to. On one hand, I want to cry so hard that I can't  breathe because I think I might feel better. On the other, I just feel I feel so empty.

And I have no one to tell this to.

CNY day 2

Who needs horrible relatives when you have parents who absolutely hate each other. I don't even know if hate is the right word, more of how each others very existence and aura just pushes all the wrong buttons.

One just stews in his righteous juices while the other constantly points out the bad things within earshot of the other.

The perfect example of tit-for-tat.

Sometimes it's just better to be apart than to be a part of each others lives.

New day

Yesterday was just horrendous.

At the moment I saw the police cars my heart just sank, my mind panicked. An alternative route calmed me down but when the one ray of hope that I had turned out to be nothing more than what I saw on jalan bahar, I didn't know to be angry or to cry. I told myself I still had some time before 24 hours was up, plus there was also the possibility of everything being done by 2 pm.

Hours passed and I just say there helpless as the clock approached 5pm. In those few hours, I understood what it was to be angry at God. Why wasn't he fighting for me? Was it something that I did? Do I need to change things? It also didn't help when my only human source of comfort never failed to disappoint with words that some of the friends I have would say on my Facebook as a two - liner.

I am tired and the urge to give up during these lows is high. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle.

Tell me. Please.

Are you there?

Are you fighting for me?

Am I not fighting hard enough?

Person

In the words of Meredith Grey: "I need a person who's in it with me"

I need someone who will let me rant my concerns, understand why I'm so crappy at dealing with these kinds of situations. Someone I can cry to and be comforted.

I don't need chastising remarks. Most of all from you. I don't think I have ever said anything with such a tone to you or maybe you're just better than me.

I need a person and you're just not it.

Indifference

There seems to be no solution to broken human relations. At least from a non-professional angle for broken human relations that is just a tangled web of lies, hate, pain and anger.

There is no room for any remote goodness. The land of reconciliation is an island that just does not exist to the human eye.  So we keep sailing, aimlessly, in this sea of lies, hate, pain and anger where there are occasional upwellings, storms and tsunamis.

It takes two hands to clap, so if one party has done wrong, they can safely say that the other has done likewise. As to whether the crime/wrong is in equal weight is another matter altogether. Not that I believe in weighing it out. Our pride is just so much bigger than our ability to be the bigger person to take the first step to giving way. Sometimes the relationship has become so full of anger and frustration that we can no longer continue in doing the right thing. I will never forget what my sister said to me the other day, to paraphrase

"I always treat people the same no matter how they treat me because at least I know that I have not done wrong to the other person"

I have this extreme urge or need to find a way to fix this but maybe there isn't a way? Perhaps the crucial factor is the people involved who just cannot say sorry to each other.

Would indifference make life easier? Probably. Would indifference make the life of those around me easier? Probably not.

So what do I do? What can I do?

Aching heart

An aching heart.

Holding hands

Hugs

Cuddles

A kiss

Small little moments

Moments that I want and need

Where are we now?

I do not know how to describe how I feel right now. Maybe quite similar to what happened that day just at a much lower intensity.

I do not think that it is the need to prove myself right but more of that I was very disappointed and having a hard time forgiving and letting it go.

I guess in all these nine years I have come to know that comforting words are not what I would get when I pour out the problems I face. Who would I go to then?  To pour out my worries, get a good cry, a hug and all that that I want so much?

Maybe all this is supposed to make me stronger?

What I know right now is that I feel distressed, all alone and just lost. So, maybe I don't have the right person to go through a crisis/difficult time with? In the words of Meredith Grey, I don't have a person.

What's the point

It's like talking to a wall. Nothing I say seems to get any kind of comfort at all. I'm stressed, worried and tired. And all I get are :( and I'm going to sleep. Wow, tanks!

I fully understand that we are five freaking hours apart but it's like no question about how I'm doing or what happened today. I have to tell you and then oh, wow, surprise :( or :). Fuck this shit la. I think my colleagues give me better support than you do. Even people who are seven hours away bother to ask.

So, you know what? Since its such a disservice to myself I might as well just cut it off.

Speechless

There are many kinds of people in the world and amongst that there are people I just have no respect at all for. I don't expect much from them but they just never fail to surprise you.

I don't even know whether to laugh or to cry.

Sometimes I try hard to push myself to reach their version of satisfactory. Thinking, hey, this is probably a motivation to get out of my comfort zone. But at times like this I realise, they're just fucked up.

Tough

I am exhausted and a wreck right now.

I don't know what to think of myself.

Maybe I'm just really bad at everything I do. I don't know what kind of a person I am.

I feel all alone in everything and anything I do. Or maybe I'm so bad at it that I need to depend on someone. Or maybe I'm just really bad at asking for help. Maybe it's everything.

Waste of space.

NZ exodus

There's like a mass holiday exodus to New Zealand or something.

It's like mocking me and my current situation.

No one

There's no one there.

No one to talk to.

No one to listen.

Help will come.

Just thinking

How long can I go on like this?

Is a PhD just about endurance?

Just sitting

I Just sitting by myself, as I passively watch a show, my ever worrisome mind starts to take over.

I worry about Thursday, hoping I won't forget to arrange anything. Noting it down helps to a certain extent. I have:

1. Booked the vehicle
2. Informed the lab of the change of date
3. Checked the plankton net is available
4. I've got sufficient help

Now all I have to do is:

1. Pack my bottles
2. Check the charge on the SEBA
3. Print out my COC
4. Get the licor
5. Get the bottles from the lab
6. Prepare my zooplankton bottles
7. Pack the accessories
8. Prepare the mesh
9. Pack the plankton net
10. Pack a niskin
11. Prepare the lugol bottles and labels

My samples to be analysed is overwhelming now but I know it will be fine in good time. I'm trying not to worry about it because God has taken such good care of me so far and I know that he will continue to.

Nothing

I'm starting to think I have to do this on my own. I have to recharge on my own and motivate myself on my own.

Unfortunately, I think my friends are better at this than you.

Indifference?

I feel lost in this relationship right now.

Not too sure what I am feeling right now.

Do I miss you? I guess?

Talking to you has become rather shallow. I just feel like I'm not being heard, understood at all. I don't feel encouraged, motivated or comforted by you at all.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Oblivious

I'm in my moods again and so this ongoing issue has never bothered me as much as I feel it now.

I just have to know, what exactly it is you think you are doing? Do you actually think that you are solving the problem or just sitting on it? I know things can be overwhelming and we need a time out but you have to agree that10 plus years is some time out.

You do not seem to think that your actions affect anyone around here and for whatever man pride you have you seem to feel the need to assert your authority by being stubborn in every way. Or perhaps it's just you getting senile as you age?

You hardly do what you say, which probably reflects how it is you have dragged us into this situation that we are ALL in right now. You say you will return it, right now I think I'll just let you have it. There are so many times when I wanted so hard to believe that there is a reason behind all this, but time and time again you just give me more and more reason  not to believe.

I wish that there is someone who can drag you out of that place where you have chosen to isolate yourself. That place where you seem to have no idea about the repercussions your actions have. I have thought of so many possibilities in my head. Should I just tell everyone about you when they ask? Maybe shaming you would jolt you, so that you can see that we're not ganging up on you. Should I talk to a counsellor? A professional might have a good solution. Frankly sometimes I think I need one. Maybe this situation has been so prolonged because I have not been praying hard enough? After all, only God can change a man's heart.

At the end of the day, I just hope that you won't regret the father you have been. Because, I really think that you think that you have been awesome.

Just STOP!

STOP asking about the deer park

STOP asking about the fucking lego store

STOP asking about fast food

STOP fucking whining

Never. Again.

Note to self, these are NOT people I want to travel with. Ever.

Being lost and alone has never felt so relieving

I can be nice.

I try to make everyone happy, by planning something for everyone. So during the trip, I would like to make sure that everyone gets to do at least one thing that they enjoy doing or particularly want to do. I don't believe in the majority wins concept. Also, the schedule (which I believe no one has looked at) is flexible.

When we don't manage to go to where you want, it's perfectly fine for you to get upset and you know, constantly hint you want to go there.

It's also fine for you to constantly show your displeasure toward things. Be it to the people you are travelling with or the citizens of the country we are in.

It's also fine If you decide to continue making it unpleasant.

I just don't know how long I can be nice for. You can be sure that I will not put myself in this position ever again, if I can help it.

Even if it's family.

Thankful

It's not often that I write a happy-ish post, but here goes.

I was privileged to have been part of the first discussion panel during dean's tea. Focusing on the different paths that we as seniors took as an inspiration/guidance to the undergraduate SPS community.

After going through the panel, I have once again be renewed in seeing the amazing grace that God has blessed me with in so many parts of my life. Opportunities that I got, that I would not have been able to clinch on my own. At the same time, I also wanted to help these juniors to be able to receive such amazing things. I perhaps do regret not revealing the divine curator of my life, but also pray that they will find opportunities uniquely for them.

Sometimes I really think God purposely puts these small events into my life to recharge me and keep me on track. I am immensely grateful for his patience as I have found out how I weak I can be in the face of adversity and fear. So my hope for myself is that I will grow stronger and bring glory to his name.

Too close for comfort

Another thing to add to the list of things NOT to do together, dinner. I'm trying the best I can to do what I need to be doing. To avoid the endless scuffle of who to wash up after dinner, I have just been washing up after dinner most of the time without even asking. I really thought I could take it but you know, whenever I ask it's still me, most of the time. So I'm just feeling annoyed... Frustrated and maybe very disappointed.

I just don't know where to say all this.

What's now?

The week just is not going well. I'm just feeling lost and anxious. Lost because things are not working out very well and anxious because time is passing so fast and my plans have been pushed back one too many times already. This one thing has been taking up so much of my time I have been unable to divide my attention elsewhere except in between attempts. Even then I continuously feel the need to rethink the decisions that I make during the 'in between' time.

What do I do now? What can I do now? What should I do now? Sometimes I feel like crying, other times I just think it's pointless. Exasperating, demoralising and tiring.

Distance

Knowing that you are so far away, I can't help but feel sad

Trying

It's not as clear as it used to be. There are days I don't know why we are together and there are those where I thoroughly enjoy your company. There are things that I used to enjoy doing together but not anymore now. The difference is although there are days where I just feel so tired of being together, at least there are days when I feel encouraged that this is right, but the activities that I used to enjoy doing together is decreasing with no new ones in recent years.

These emotions of being so tired of this relationship seem to come at regular intervals, which make me think that they might just be my mind running away with my at-the-moment-unstable emotions. I just cannot figure it out. I also wonder if I feel so tired because I am wishing so hard for you to become something that I can neither force nor have control of happening. The initial interest must have given me rather high hopes so the current lack of interest is  disheartening. There have been so many times where I heard great things and I wished you were there with me, but you just were just elsewhere. I would never want to force you to listen to or be somewhere you have no interest in being, but I just feel that there is this important part of my life that you are not a part of (and I would like you to be). I can share but I wish that you felt the same way about it as I do. Perhaps I'm just not doing a good enough job at fostering these emotions in you.

I also wonder if I have come to think less of myself in this relationship. I should not see myself this way and instead know that God loves me and he would never want me to look down on myself. However, these bad thoughts do creep in now and then.

This is not to say that nothing has come of this relationship. I feel so happy for you because you enjoy life so much and it's great to have seen and been a part of the life of someone so motivated and as clear headed as you. Someone who is so giving and selfless toward the people around him. I would say that I probably have far to go and that knowing you has spurred me to be a better person.

But I am so confused now. I just feel like we are going nowhere. Marriage is something that I cannot say with conviction that I will agree to, instead I hesitate and struggle to give an answer. Shouldn't I be sure by now? It's been so long. It's not that I do not see you as a good partner. I do, but I just can't see me being your other half. Which also saddens me, because I feel so afraid. Afraid that I have fallen out of love. Fallen out of love with you.

How much more?

It was just one thing and that was all it took to tear us all apart.

I don't even know where to start. Everything is just so messy I don't want to go near it, hear any of it or get involved in it. I just do not believe that anything I do can bring you two together to do anything. It's a task that only God can do. I've tried and I believe most of us have but it's just something beyond any of our capabilities.

Money
Hearing about the parents of my friends sometimes I respond saying things like 'my parents/mum/dad is the same....'. I just think why are things so different. It's just the money I guess. It made all the difference. It made things move from tolerable to intolerable no matter what it is and no amount of explanation can make either party see reason. All good intentions get overlooked and nothing shows but the bad.

Is it enough?
Since I can't fix you both I do what I can with other things. I admit I'm not always on top of my things but I can say that I am most of the time. But after today, I just hit a whole new level of shock. You not only feel that no one has helped you, you feel that the help you received amounts to a rather insignificant amount.
I don't know what else to do. Do I shift my priorities? Stretch myself to do more things? Delete some things from my life? What do I have to say? Do I take a side?

Does this all end? Will it end in their lifetime? There were so many good years and now it seems so insignificant. Thinking about them makes me feel like it's from another life.

left behind

Making this move, makes me feel like I am leaving you behind.

What's happening

Like the title says, what's happening? I like that we have our own space to do what we want by ourselves, but it just seems like it's what we do all the time now. Do you notice?

I don't know how to say it, or if I should even mention it. Sometimes I don't even know if you hear me when I say things or notice anything. Sounds rather self centred but I just don't know what to think. Sometimes when I say something and it interrupted, you just ignore me and you just respond to them. It's fine if you sort out things with the other person or for whatever reason and get back to me...But what's not OK is just forgetting about it. I just don't bother to repeat myself anymore.

I'm not perfect and I am probably more critical of myself than I should be. Mocking my incapabilities or mistakes just makes me feel worse about myself. You asked me questions about how you make me feel about my self esteem and I honestly told you that you have made it worse. Maybe you don't even remember that that's how you make me feel. Maybe I'm just being a tad too sensitive about these things but it's not been just once that I feel this way

I just don't know what to think. Maybe I just need to grow more of an ego.

famliarity breeds contempt

If there is any group of people that have come to hate the most in my life, it's my family. Investing my time and emotions in this group of people is truly exemplary of the law of diminishing returns.

It is no safe haven. Instead this place, inhabited by the above mentioned group of people, is where both doing something and not doing anything can both land you in the same amount of trouble. In addition, neither good track records nor additional effort put in would save you from any unfortunate events/situations that may befall you. When you're in it, you're in as deep as the next person who did nothing at all. And all the same, you have to crawl, beg, grovel etc. to get yourself out of the deep and back on ground level where you, once again, build your track record - which in the end, will still amount to nothing in the future. As an added bonus you might even find out that past transgressions are still remembered and can surface any time during "discussions".

I frankly do not know how much longer I can take this, then again it's what I've been saying for such a long time and I am still here writing about situations such as this. I feel so frustrated that there is no way out of this situation. Seeing as it requires the combined effort of all parties involved, much of the outcome is not within my control which adds to the frustration. I also do have my off days, which when chanced upon has a high chance of resulting in me being "in trouble". Day can suddenly turn into night, but not vice versa.

Where do I go from here, but to continue on this vicious cycle.

Thankful

Since the beginning of the year, I've started to learn again. Learning to say no to the things I've been comfortable doing day in day out, letting go of things that I've come to mind in the pass three years at this job and moving on to, what seems to me now, to be a rather scary time in life.

Everyday is a constant fight to try to relax in the midst of what, right now, is the biggest step of my life. I never dreamt that I would try to reach this far, but I choose to believe that God has brought me here for a reason(s). I'm not sure what it is he wants me to learn from this, but so far, he has given me a great amount of blessings with it all. People who are so willing to help me, always giving me ideas and offering to help me even before I've started.

As I look ahead at what I have planned, fear wells up inside me as doing things alone on such a scale just constantly makes me wonder how I am going to do it all. I know I can, it's just finding the best possible way to do it and who can I ask for help. Then there's also the thought of whether what I have planned is up to standard/enough for where I am at now. I have this constant need in me to prove myself to people, that I am as capable as anyone (sometimes a particular someone) - basically to show that I have earned the right to be where I am now.

Unnecessary pressure? Possibly? Or maybe not. I sometimes tell myself that there is an untapped potential in me that can only be seen/or is usually revealed only in certain circumstances, which is why there are people who believe so much in my capability (or it could just be biasness? Or words to encourage me?). Sometimes, I tell myself that I am a person that can grow despite the pressure. That although I make mistakes, I will not let my past bother me and instead grow from them. A combination of the former and latter would be the best combination I guess but as to what kind if composition I have of both I really don't know. Frankly, self-esteem really takes a beating the face of mistakes or hiccups so I really don't know how well I am growing under the pressure of everything in my life. Maybe when I get in the motion of things I'll be fine. I just cannot recall how I faced similar difficulties in the past. Maybe it's a way to get me to look ahead instead of back.

I am afraid/unsure of so many things, even about who I am and what I am capable of. I just wish some things in life would stay the same. I don't think I can handle anything else or bother to focus on anything else other than my PhD now. Although things like getting married (just an example, since it's the time and age where it's just happening all around me) and all sound really nice but I can't help thinking of the possibility of me screwing it all up (or rather the bad things that could happen, ha, pessimistic much?). I don't think I am up to it now or have it in me to say I can overcome it. Maybe when it finally happens, it would not be as bad as I thought it is.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think we will never agree to disagree.

You don't understand why I do what I do when I make an effort try to understand why you do what I do. I'm brought up a certain way, which you think is ridiculous and sometimes I really take offence at. You just think your way is the way. So in some ways you're just like her. Which honestly speaking, I cannot stand.

I ask you to respect something I request and you make it seem like it's funny/ok that you can't help it. I wonder if you even bother to make an effort or even give a rat's ass about what I said. Or maybe I'm just not being firm enough, which might be what I should do next or what I should have done from the start.

Where do I go from here?

Your selflessness is what really moves me and pushes me to be better. But your disrespect of my wishes and needs upsets me time and time again. No matter how many times I explain it, repeat it, you feel that I am being unfair to you.

It hurts me that you would say that.

Thinking back, it is through my own fault that you feel entitled to what actually is not rightfully yours and also my fault that I am incapable of convincing you that what we are doing is wrong.

This is not the only thing though, sometimes I regret agreeing with the thoughts you put in my head. It creates dislike and disrespect toward the people that are close to me. I say things and do things that are not what I would normally do.

This situation is somewhat familiar, almost like Eve blaming the serpent for her wrongdoings.

I never thought I would turn out like this. Maybe I'm the devil, causing others to sin, creating temptation while I blame others for not respecting what I want when I contradict myself.

How pretentious. I pretend to be trying to change and doing the right thing while I tempt others into break the rules and blame them for bringing me into it.

What do I do now? Draw the line and run far from it? Or just end it?

Is a relationship with a Christian man really so different? Would I then be able to  experience what God always intended for me to be treated like in a relationship?

tired

After all that has happened, I thought I would be more excited at life. Instead, I feel frustrated and helpless at the lack of improvement. To top it all off, I'm just loosing steam and drive. 

After taking the biggest plunge of my life, there's not been any sign of it picking up and I feel like I've reached a dead end. Plus, I seem rather content to try hold on to status quo whilst I can. Logically-speaking, I should do something, but I'm afraid to do something and quite comfortable albeit rather guilty of not trying. Little things get me down, I can't play the same part of a song for the pass few weeks. Progress is snail-paced, which really frustrates me also. I used to learn fast and enjoy it, but now, because of the lack of progress I don't enjoy it. It frustrates me because I don't know why I just can't learn it. I also make new habits out of new mistakes adding to the frustration I feel. After which I decide, the frustration is just not worth it and come back another time, where the cycle just repeats itself. 

Resting does not even feel like resting. Instead, I wake up just as tired as when I slept. As a result, I have the memory of a goldfish, I can't remember things I saw only seconds or minutes ago. It stresses my mind to force myself to remember things. 

So afraid I will forget, so afraid I will fail and so afraid that I would look stupid.

So I guess, it's all just fear. 

A lot of fear.

Pain

It's a hurt that I have never felt in my life

So be it

Sometimes I feel like just throwing myself off a high place and ending all of this.

It's just much better to be alone and disappear from this world.

There would be no one who would miss it.

If this is what you want, then so be it.

Why do things have to be this way?

why do things have to be so complicated?

It's so hurtful, it truly is. There is no faith in people, not even in those who you say are "family".

You all act like we all owe you everything and that just frustrates me.

Do all people who get older get this way?

Unforgiving and just unable to see the good in people.

Disappointments

Chronic

The disappointment just never ends. You hope and hope that there will be a glimmer of change but it's always short-lived. I don't know what I need to do to convince you, both of you. I sometimes feel like I am meddling too much and I am too afraid to pray for anything because I am so afraid of disappointment. There have been so many things said in church that I hoped had struck a cord that might initiate some from of change. But it just seems like you could not be bothered to give two hoots about anything that is happening or maybe you just think we're being anal about everything.

The note and the S3 pretty much did it for me. Well since the S3 was free, I guess that's not too bad. But $800? Not forgetting the time when you bought the laptop, that was what, close to $2000. Fair enough, you needed one, but to hear you hitting it and calling it 'stupid' (when clearly you are the one) just convinces me once again that you shouldn't have bought it. The monitor, I don't even want to know. There were clearly free ones lying around, but because of what? Your pride? You bought your own.

What exactly is this family to you? You will not do anything beyond what you feel like doing. Sacrifice is almost non existent except on your own terms and conditions. Ha, would that even qualify being a sacrifice? You won't even admit when something is CLEARLY your mistake. Do you assume that everyone is against you?

Sometimes I really feel taken advantaged off when I do things for you. You have not given anything in return, and you somehow equate buying back food at a time because you need it as doing something/contributing. I tell myself every time, I should respect you no matter. But should I even need to tell myself such a thing. It's become so routine, that I think it has changed from respect to indifference. I am no longer angry but jaded. Upset sometimes, but resigned.

The list can go on and I wonder why it's this way, why is it you cannot see what you are doing. I am just so upset that that nothing I say can possibly describe how I feel. My mood changes when people ask about you. I just cook up the best story I can think of.

I hope for the day when I won't have to.

Acute

I think I am a very average person and being average is just difficult. There's nothing outstanding about you. You do pretty alright in life but never outstanding. You work so hard just to be a bit better but it just always is not enough to get you anything. I remind myself to trust in God, if it is meant for me, God will give it to me. If it isn't, no matter what I do, I would not get it. But sometimes I get jealous. Why is it some people are the exception to the rule? Why am I never the exception? No As, going to Oxford? That's my dream...but of course I am always part of the statistic that generally occurs.

Level 1: feigning ignorance/ Holding on just a while more

Sometimes even your family doesn't want to know how you feel.

Sometimes even your family doesn't want to know your thoughts.

Trying to fix things and put things back together just makes it all worst because I just don't know what else there is to do. I honestly feel that I have tried everything I know.

So lets all put on a happy face and pretend that all is okay.

Because the one thing that I am absolutely unable to do is be ignorant to all of this. For there is some truth that ignorance is bliss.

Because, being strangers/acquaintances/coworkers to each other is better than being family. There's just too much invested in the latter.

Maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson, did I try too hard to take things into my hands like Saul? So it has backfired and God has chosen to abandon me? Maybe there is nothing that I can do and I keep thinking that there is and I am meddling and not giving God the room for it. Or is it in 1 Peter 5:10? I just need to hold on a little while more and he will restore, support and strengthen me and place me on a firm foundation. Is this even considered suffering? Is there a criteria for it or as long as you are in difficult times?

the greatest fear

My greatest fear is that this one thing will break us and make the many years spent together just meaningless and pointless.

If not, that this difference between us would hurt other people as well.

convince me

Right now I feel like I've lost more than I have gained.

Has it been wrong all along?

Was I trying to convince myself just because it felt right all this while?

We avoid talking about the thing that I  feel matters the most to me. Plus, you are upset that the thing that matters the most is not you. Have my worst fears come true? Is it time to throw in the towel?

Do I want it to be?

What is holding us together? Is it just one person at a time? I wish it were God. But it's not. I tell myself it takes time...but am I trying to change something that I will never be able to? Maybe this was all my doing and nothing to do with God at all? Maybe I ask for too much and do too little? What is it? Why do I always feel like giving up?

Is this what I want ?

Torn

Thanks for putting me in this awkward situation.

Making me feel insecure.

Totally what I need right now.

Do you hear me?

You don't know what I need neither can you give me what I need. You say you can give me what I need just in a different form, but you don't seem to understand that that's not what I need.

It hurts that the one person that I want and need at these moments is so far away. I'm trying to carry this by myself, but I'm afraid that I might not be able to for long. Every single part of me wishes this relationship will never get close to that point, but the feeling gets stronger with each time. I am weak and I do not think that I can be strong enough for us to be where I wish/hope we will be one day.

Please hear my cries. Help me. I have nowhere to go,

It makes me sad

Sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to the wall or rather I have been talking to the wall. Maybe I'm being a bit too unforgiving but I just don't understand why you don't get it. 

Times like this I just want to be alone and do the things by myself.

How was your day?

Whoever knew that hormones could make your day so shitty? I'm tired, my back aches, I feel irritable, frustrated. Maybe I should go sleep soon before I can no longer keep it together.

What will it take?

Disappointment never fails to come. You obviously do not know how many times I wish she was wrong about you. To be wrong about you brings a kind of hope.

What exactly is it? What are you trying to prove? What/Who will you listen to? Is it pride?

Why do you not care anymore? 

Envy

The envy and discontent grows...who do I tell this to?

Maybe it's just THAT time? Maybe I'll feel a brand new person tomorrow.?

But, thing is, the thoughts are always the same.

Oh what do we do?

Jealousy and envy....

Ephesians 4: 29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (NIV)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Not doing too well with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 as of now. I need to be more mindful.

Things aside, sometimes people are just unforgiving and maybe I need to remind myself sometimes.



You probably think you're some big shot going all that way in. You sad little man (literally...) and your pointless rantings please, GET A LIFE! I wish when we move I sit in front of you and not beside or behind you.

Update: sadly, I still sit behind you.

Nothing to talk about

broken

Broken, is how this family is and how I feel. A crack everyone tries to ignore but at the same time is is the cause of so much unhappiness in each and everyone of us. Yet we don't know this.

I understand, but you don't seem to.

you hurt me so much, but you'll never know.

because you don't understand.

I feel unfairly treated, why? Because it's obvious. You say you know, but I guess you have "a thousand and one things to do", I understand.

I understand, I understand, I UNDERSTAND! Do you understand me? Do you even try, do you even bother? No one even bothers to listen to me or hear me out.

I help, I help, I HELP! DOES ANYONE HELP ME?

You withdraw into your shell and go into defensive mode (i.e. I can earn money, very independent blah blah). That's all you'll ever see in me, because that's what you tell everybody. To you it's embarrassing to say your daughter is good.


I always try to understand, but you don't seem to.

you hurt me so much, but you'll never know.

because you don't understand.

I am done, I don't have anything more.

ROAR!

I just have to put this down somewhere.

OMG no money, no money, no money...IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT!!

It never fails to come up, "I want more money", "why do the 'ang mohs' get so much money?", "why keep bringing in 'ang mohs'?" and hearing this all over again just irritates the hell out of me.

Firstly, for some of us, it's our first job. How much the hell were you expecting? Stop looking at other people and seeing what their earning. There is so much more to it than the money. Sure, it downright sucks that other people are earning more than me but personally, I would not become a teacher for $200 more and get stuck there (no offense...). So someone's got $4000 but he's got a first class and works for the government, two things that explain, what seems to you, an exorbitant amount. If you're that hard up go join them, just take your crap elsewhere.

On to the 'ang mohs', why do they get so much money?  An obvious thing would be that some of them are PhD holders, thus they get more. Secondly, they came from another country and if the company needs them so much you gotta give them an incentive to come here right? Hence, the expat package. Why do their wives/gfs/husbands/family relations get to work here? Well if they ask for it when they come here, it's probably something the company decides they want to do for them to bring them here and some of them get paid quite a bit because they're PhD holders too. Why keep bringing in expats? Well, I don't think many people in the Singapore would want to work in this industry.

I don't have anything to say about issues that obviously discriminate us local people but I do think that sometimes we don't really think about the stuff we complain about and it's just noise that no one but yourself needs to hear about. IF you think elsewhere treats you better, GO THERE, but I'm willing to bet there's something you're going be unhappy with. If you're like this here, I don't see how different you'll be over there.

This is not aimed at anyone in particular, it's just somethings that I've been thinking about as I hear people. You might not agree, but I'm willing to hear anything constructive. Especially if something I've said seems shallow.

The end of another year and things I need to remember and do

The year's drawing to a close and since I'm all alone with nothing to occupy my mind (or procrastinating...)I decided to think about what is going to be 'last year' in a few years.

I've made many leaps and bounds this year. I did my honours, graduated and found my first job without much difficulty and delay after school. Another year together with the most wonderful man and, I hope, have grown closer in my walk with God.

There were also bad times, times I look back on and regret my actions. Leading to many questions about myself and what I'm turning into.

1)Incidences where that bit of self-confidence I taught myself to have in place for my low self esteem had turned into a somewhat snobbish and stubborn nature, unwilling to listen to others. I constantly remind myself not to be this way and hope there is some effect to it.

2)Work has also brought it's own set of demons, with gossiping and complaining being some of the more prominent things I have to to keep in mind not to be a part of. To just listen and not process and not let it affect my work attitude. Another thing about work, and I don't know if other first-time job holders also have this, is the pressure I put on myself to perform. I often think and possibly over-analyse that someone might get the better end of the deal or someone might outperform me. I just want so much to be...I don't know...favoured???  I'm told that I'm doing well, but somehow I'm not convinced. I think I'm just so stressed out I don't even see it. The minute I start getting confident I start to worry if what I'm doing is right, which leads to me doubting myself and when I doubt something could go wrong. When something does go wrong, I think I'm not good at my job and the rest just possibly goes to hell.

I don't know how to stop this manifestation of thoughts and no matter how I explain it, he can't comfort me enough.

3) Publishing. I NEED TO GET STARTED. Seeing the amt of work I have to put in just shuts me off. I've become rather lazy indeed. I do not like that, but I think every human has this inertia in them when it comes to some forms of work. The thing is when you get started it's a lot easier, but the issue is how to get started. Ea is just high. I really need to get it started.

It's short but it is a horrible mess to sort out.

The importance of first thoughts

Be too nice and you get stepped on, try to be a bit meaner and you're a bitch, judgmental etc. (depending on the situation).

Think a little further and some people appreciate it whereas some people think you cause more trouble, inconsiderate, lazy stubborn etc. (basically all the horrible things that never crossed your mind when you had good intentions).

I get that we cannot make everyone happy, but there seems to be a trend that has been occurring. I always regret not accepting the first thoughts or actions that pop into my head. I think a bit more about it and then all the stuff goes to crap. People think you're lazy, inconsiderate and whatnot. These thoughts used to be what I always act on, but lately not. I don't know what happened.

Maybe I'm just downright a horrible person.

Repressed feelings?

Help?

Confidence

Confidence. Something so simple, yet so hard to earn.

For me, I either have too much or too little of it. Why? I don't know. Even for things I do so often.

Thinking too much? Probably, but then I get careless. Not thinking it through enough? Leads to hesitation, doubt and worrying.

All this yoyo-ing is just getting to me, making me wonder why I cannot be a better 'me'. Why can't I be the better person I envisioned myself to be. Instead, I'm constantly watching someone else who has or seems to have 'everything'. Why did I turn out like...this. I think I'm waiting or maybe a little desperate, for a sympathy vote and have been hinting at it, but as usual I'm not getting any. Neither my family nor even the person I depend on the most have come close to anything like it. I wonder why, am I not deserving of one or maybe they're just not wired that way. I find it difficult to cry it out despite going through these monthly phases of self-condescension. Most of the time I just dismiss it as a time where my emotions are just getting to me and going on overdrive, thus affecting my brain. Now, I'm thinking they could be sort of a 'this is the reality of you' kind of note-to-self that I don't see outside this monthly phase.

Your work at hand? Is this your way to break me? Maybe to get me talking, relying more on you as I keep saying?

Pray.

Small minds

Working life is an onslaught of things more than just work. Small minds at work, plant seeds that are like a slow poison infiltrating and influencing your mind. You don't even know it until you look back on all things you said and thought and wonder why you not only went along with it, but participated in all of it.

I strongly believe there is no ill intention behind it all, it is the action that breeds unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Just being aware of this is not near enough, you need to catch yourself before you jump into it all, because once you do, you will not stop until you reach the bottom (which is where you run of things to complain and/or gossip and /or lament etc. about). Never in my life would I have thought that it would be so hard to shut these people out and that they would be able to influence so much of my attitude towards work related issues. Such thoughts neither produce anything constructive nor productive and as such people of such a nature never end up being more than where those thoughts bring them to be, unhappy and dissatisfied.

This post was and will never be aimed at anyone in particular, but to serve as a reminder to myself  just how the beginnings of some things can make or break a person.

Look and think beyond the surface because 'garbage floats on the surface'.

And just like that...the day has passed.

It was supposed to be great...but instead it was just as it usually is.

It's difficult to understand. The mind gets it but not the heart.

Tired. Exhausted. Mentally.

Something keeps making me go back. Foolishness? Love? Love? Really? Can something like this be called that? Thinking about all the words that went back and forth, all I remember was my disbelief at what was said by her and the usual words that played like a broken record.

SHUT. UP. Please.

I'm not keeping score, but with words like that it's hard not to recollect what I did. Maybe to her it was not that I wanted to, to her it was a duty and that I did it all with a level of unwillingness that was above everything else. Maybe as long as she did something for me in return, the favour (?), this "debt" was declared cleared and filed away. Burnt.

Not once. Not twice. Too many times for me to count.

You are ungrateful and disrespectful....Since when have you ever done anything for me? 


Would it be right to say then that you have never done anything for me because it was a duty to a daughter? I try so hard to understand your intentions, your ways, where is yours?

Maybe distance is best when it's between us.

To say that I am hurt does not even come close.

4 pm, alone at home, on a rainy Saturday.


Sad songs play away to the voices of 정용화 and 이홍기. 


I should be writing my journal paper.


I've been at this so long the music's changed over to more upbeat rock. The brain is now in a mix of 'enjoy-the-beat' and 'OMGOMGOMG'.

I'm tired...

I just need someone to talk to

What is a home?

I seem to have forgotten what it feels like.

Did I make things turn out the way it is now?

What did I do?

Is anyone there?

Time flies, I've graduated, started working.

Too many things have happened in the pass few months to write them all down.

Too many thoughts have come and gone. I did not know how to start writing them down then and neither do I now. A mess of emotions mixed with thoughts that run through my mind, a breeding ground for impetuous, shallow and judgmental accusations on people.

Are some people just not reasonable, or am I not accepting enough? Am I too quick to think of myself and not others? Perhaps I am swayed easily, a spineless person who has not a mind of her own?

What exactly have I become?

writer's block...fuck.

My brain feels like a stuttering idiot...after reading all that stuff, I just can't type it out onto a word file. Sometimes remembering what you've read is a curse...you have a rough idea but you can't seem to phrase it in the way it is commonly done, so you decide to refer to the article which is where all the trouble starts. You read more than you should and you get so stuck in the way the writer's written it you become handicapped in rephrasing it all...

I need a better place to write this and concentrate and I need to be in a better state of mind.

I shall refrain from posting about the goings-on in my head...and instead lament about the fact that I didn't think through what I just did with my blog...

a revamp without a template back-up.

I thought I thought it through and hey, whatever's not there is fine...I mean most of it was pretty juvenile given I've had this blog for a while...a very long while...until I notice that my links were all gone and so I am fucked.

If anyone out there happens to read my blog, you could somehow tell me how to recover this and salvage this blunder of mine on this horrible day which began approximately 3-4hours ago.

End of another week...
at least I'm on track with work for my materials and methods...the intro really needs to start moving too though. The drawing is giving me hell too...ugh. I cannot learn software like this....if only someone could teach me how to do it. Not forgetting the data, it's like a jack-in-the-box, the work just keeps piling up and one day, it's going to KILL ME! I might need someone to lighten the load.

That aside, holidays are pretty much FYP oriented. UWS has now replaced school on the schedule of things. Not that I mind it..somehow walking around there never gets that boring despite the lack lustre place. Today they put a Christmas tree in the underwater tunnel today...which was a nice surprise and amusing too. I wonder how the fish took it. 

Troubled, I am. But why does it bother me so? 
can someone please explain what this is? I really need someone to talk about this to...because it's festering in my brain!!

what does it feel like to have someone there for you?

Is this called temptation? Or just purely the lack of the ability to keep your nose out of someone's business? This feeling doesn't seem to follow the latter.

8 MORE DAYS!!

It was going fine!!

Please stop...please. I cannot feed this preoccupation...all I ask is 2 weeks, then you/it/whatever can haunt me...

Please

A 2 week break...Hopefully things will start to clear up.

Just study and not think about it

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Savior please, help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
Because You're all that I have?

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me.
Hallelujah.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.
No, Savior please, keep saving me.

How is it something not about you could make you feel this way?

You want to help, but you don't know how...how to make it feel just slightly better, because you don't know the least bit about what is happening or how it feels and what that someone would need.

So...you don't know if you should call, message...it might not be the right thing...so you leave it alone.

Alone. Somehow doesn't seem right...but it works for some and not for others. So what do you do?

What do you do?
 

I didn't think it meant anything much...

so why does it bother me so much?

I think it should end here...I might be in too much over my head.


What do you think?