Oblivious

I'm in my moods again and so this ongoing issue has never bothered me as much as I feel it now.

I just have to know, what exactly it is you think you are doing? Do you actually think that you are solving the problem or just sitting on it? I know things can be overwhelming and we need a time out but you have to agree that10 plus years is some time out.

You do not seem to think that your actions affect anyone around here and for whatever man pride you have you seem to feel the need to assert your authority by being stubborn in every way. Or perhaps it's just you getting senile as you age?

You hardly do what you say, which probably reflects how it is you have dragged us into this situation that we are ALL in right now. You say you will return it, right now I think I'll just let you have it. There are so many times when I wanted so hard to believe that there is a reason behind all this, but time and time again you just give me more and more reason  not to believe.

I wish that there is someone who can drag you out of that place where you have chosen to isolate yourself. That place where you seem to have no idea about the repercussions your actions have. I have thought of so many possibilities in my head. Should I just tell everyone about you when they ask? Maybe shaming you would jolt you, so that you can see that we're not ganging up on you. Should I talk to a counsellor? A professional might have a good solution. Frankly sometimes I think I need one. Maybe this situation has been so prolonged because I have not been praying hard enough? After all, only God can change a man's heart.

At the end of the day, I just hope that you won't regret the father you have been. Because, I really think that you think that you have been awesome.

Just STOP!

STOP asking about the deer park

STOP asking about the fucking lego store

STOP asking about fast food

STOP fucking whining

Never. Again.

Note to self, these are NOT people I want to travel with. Ever.

Being lost and alone has never felt so relieving

I can be nice.

I try to make everyone happy, by planning something for everyone. So during the trip, I would like to make sure that everyone gets to do at least one thing that they enjoy doing or particularly want to do. I don't believe in the majority wins concept. Also, the schedule (which I believe no one has looked at) is flexible.

When we don't manage to go to where you want, it's perfectly fine for you to get upset and you know, constantly hint you want to go there.

It's also fine for you to constantly show your displeasure toward things. Be it to the people you are travelling with or the citizens of the country we are in.

It's also fine If you decide to continue making it unpleasant.

I just don't know how long I can be nice for. You can be sure that I will not put myself in this position ever again, if I can help it.

Even if it's family.

Thankful

It's not often that I write a happy-ish post, but here goes.

I was privileged to have been part of the first discussion panel during dean's tea. Focusing on the different paths that we as seniors took as an inspiration/guidance to the undergraduate SPS community.

After going through the panel, I have once again be renewed in seeing the amazing grace that God has blessed me with in so many parts of my life. Opportunities that I got, that I would not have been able to clinch on my own. At the same time, I also wanted to help these juniors to be able to receive such amazing things. I perhaps do regret not revealing the divine curator of my life, but also pray that they will find opportunities uniquely for them.

Sometimes I really think God purposely puts these small events into my life to recharge me and keep me on track. I am immensely grateful for his patience as I have found out how I weak I can be in the face of adversity and fear. So my hope for myself is that I will grow stronger and bring glory to his name.

Too close for comfort

Another thing to add to the list of things NOT to do together, dinner. I'm trying the best I can to do what I need to be doing. To avoid the endless scuffle of who to wash up after dinner, I have just been washing up after dinner most of the time without even asking. I really thought I could take it but you know, whenever I ask it's still me, most of the time. So I'm just feeling annoyed... Frustrated and maybe very disappointed.

I just don't know where to say all this.

What's now?

The week just is not going well. I'm just feeling lost and anxious. Lost because things are not working out very well and anxious because time is passing so fast and my plans have been pushed back one too many times already. This one thing has been taking up so much of my time I have been unable to divide my attention elsewhere except in between attempts. Even then I continuously feel the need to rethink the decisions that I make during the 'in between' time.

What do I do now? What can I do now? What should I do now? Sometimes I feel like crying, other times I just think it's pointless. Exasperating, demoralising and tiring.

Distance

Knowing that you are so far away, I can't help but feel sad

Trying

It's not as clear as it used to be. There are days I don't know why we are together and there are those where I thoroughly enjoy your company. There are things that I used to enjoy doing together but not anymore now. The difference is although there are days where I just feel so tired of being together, at least there are days when I feel encouraged that this is right, but the activities that I used to enjoy doing together is decreasing with no new ones in recent years.

These emotions of being so tired of this relationship seem to come at regular intervals, which make me think that they might just be my mind running away with my at-the-moment-unstable emotions. I just cannot figure it out. I also wonder if I feel so tired because I am wishing so hard for you to become something that I can neither force nor have control of happening. The initial interest must have given me rather high hopes so the current lack of interest is  disheartening. There have been so many times where I heard great things and I wished you were there with me, but you just were just elsewhere. I would never want to force you to listen to or be somewhere you have no interest in being, but I just feel that there is this important part of my life that you are not a part of (and I would like you to be). I can share but I wish that you felt the same way about it as I do. Perhaps I'm just not doing a good enough job at fostering these emotions in you.

I also wonder if I have come to think less of myself in this relationship. I should not see myself this way and instead know that God loves me and he would never want me to look down on myself. However, these bad thoughts do creep in now and then.

This is not to say that nothing has come of this relationship. I feel so happy for you because you enjoy life so much and it's great to have seen and been a part of the life of someone so motivated and as clear headed as you. Someone who is so giving and selfless toward the people around him. I would say that I probably have far to go and that knowing you has spurred me to be a better person.

But I am so confused now. I just feel like we are going nowhere. Marriage is something that I cannot say with conviction that I will agree to, instead I hesitate and struggle to give an answer. Shouldn't I be sure by now? It's been so long. It's not that I do not see you as a good partner. I do, but I just can't see me being your other half. Which also saddens me, because I feel so afraid. Afraid that I have fallen out of love. Fallen out of love with you.

How much more?

It was just one thing and that was all it took to tear us all apart.

I don't even know where to start. Everything is just so messy I don't want to go near it, hear any of it or get involved in it. I just do not believe that anything I do can bring you two together to do anything. It's a task that only God can do. I've tried and I believe most of us have but it's just something beyond any of our capabilities.

Money
Hearing about the parents of my friends sometimes I respond saying things like 'my parents/mum/dad is the same....'. I just think why are things so different. It's just the money I guess. It made all the difference. It made things move from tolerable to intolerable no matter what it is and no amount of explanation can make either party see reason. All good intentions get overlooked and nothing shows but the bad.

Is it enough?
Since I can't fix you both I do what I can with other things. I admit I'm not always on top of my things but I can say that I am most of the time. But after today, I just hit a whole new level of shock. You not only feel that no one has helped you, you feel that the help you received amounts to a rather insignificant amount.
I don't know what else to do. Do I shift my priorities? Stretch myself to do more things? Delete some things from my life? What do I have to say? Do I take a side?

Does this all end? Will it end in their lifetime? There were so many good years and now it seems so insignificant. Thinking about them makes me feel like it's from another life.

left behind

Making this move, makes me feel like I am leaving you behind.

What's happening

Like the title says, what's happening? I like that we have our own space to do what we want by ourselves, but it just seems like it's what we do all the time now. Do you notice?

I don't know how to say it, or if I should even mention it. Sometimes I don't even know if you hear me when I say things or notice anything. Sounds rather self centred but I just don't know what to think. Sometimes when I say something and it interrupted, you just ignore me and you just respond to them. It's fine if you sort out things with the other person or for whatever reason and get back to me...But what's not OK is just forgetting about it. I just don't bother to repeat myself anymore.

I'm not perfect and I am probably more critical of myself than I should be. Mocking my incapabilities or mistakes just makes me feel worse about myself. You asked me questions about how you make me feel about my self esteem and I honestly told you that you have made it worse. Maybe you don't even remember that that's how you make me feel. Maybe I'm just being a tad too sensitive about these things but it's not been just once that I feel this way

I just don't know what to think. Maybe I just need to grow more of an ego.

famliarity breeds contempt

If there is any group of people that have come to hate the most in my life, it's my family. Investing my time and emotions in this group of people is truly exemplary of the law of diminishing returns.

It is no safe haven. Instead this place, inhabited by the above mentioned group of people, is where both doing something and not doing anything can both land you in the same amount of trouble. In addition, neither good track records nor additional effort put in would save you from any unfortunate events/situations that may befall you. When you're in it, you're in as deep as the next person who did nothing at all. And all the same, you have to crawl, beg, grovel etc. to get yourself out of the deep and back on ground level where you, once again, build your track record - which in the end, will still amount to nothing in the future. As an added bonus you might even find out that past transgressions are still remembered and can surface any time during "discussions".

I frankly do not know how much longer I can take this, then again it's what I've been saying for such a long time and I am still here writing about situations such as this. I feel so frustrated that there is no way out of this situation. Seeing as it requires the combined effort of all parties involved, much of the outcome is not within my control which adds to the frustration. I also do have my off days, which when chanced upon has a high chance of resulting in me being "in trouble". Day can suddenly turn into night, but not vice versa.

Where do I go from here, but to continue on this vicious cycle.

Thankful

Since the beginning of the year, I've started to learn again. Learning to say no to the things I've been comfortable doing day in day out, letting go of things that I've come to mind in the pass three years at this job and moving on to, what seems to me now, to be a rather scary time in life.

Everyday is a constant fight to try to relax in the midst of what, right now, is the biggest step of my life. I never dreamt that I would try to reach this far, but I choose to believe that God has brought me here for a reason(s). I'm not sure what it is he wants me to learn from this, but so far, he has given me a great amount of blessings with it all. People who are so willing to help me, always giving me ideas and offering to help me even before I've started.

As I look ahead at what I have planned, fear wells up inside me as doing things alone on such a scale just constantly makes me wonder how I am going to do it all. I know I can, it's just finding the best possible way to do it and who can I ask for help. Then there's also the thought of whether what I have planned is up to standard/enough for where I am at now. I have this constant need in me to prove myself to people, that I am as capable as anyone (sometimes a particular someone) - basically to show that I have earned the right to be where I am now.

Unnecessary pressure? Possibly? Or maybe not. I sometimes tell myself that there is an untapped potential in me that can only be seen/or is usually revealed only in certain circumstances, which is why there are people who believe so much in my capability (or it could just be biasness? Or words to encourage me?). Sometimes, I tell myself that I am a person that can grow despite the pressure. That although I make mistakes, I will not let my past bother me and instead grow from them. A combination of the former and latter would be the best combination I guess but as to what kind if composition I have of both I really don't know. Frankly, self-esteem really takes a beating the face of mistakes or hiccups so I really don't know how well I am growing under the pressure of everything in my life. Maybe when I get in the motion of things I'll be fine. I just cannot recall how I faced similar difficulties in the past. Maybe it's a way to get me to look ahead instead of back.

I am afraid/unsure of so many things, even about who I am and what I am capable of. I just wish some things in life would stay the same. I don't think I can handle anything else or bother to focus on anything else other than my PhD now. Although things like getting married (just an example, since it's the time and age where it's just happening all around me) and all sound really nice but I can't help thinking of the possibility of me screwing it all up (or rather the bad things that could happen, ha, pessimistic much?). I don't think I am up to it now or have it in me to say I can overcome it. Maybe when it finally happens, it would not be as bad as I thought it is.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think we will never agree to disagree.

You don't understand why I do what I do when I make an effort try to understand why you do what I do. I'm brought up a certain way, which you think is ridiculous and sometimes I really take offence at. You just think your way is the way. So in some ways you're just like her. Which honestly speaking, I cannot stand.

I ask you to respect something I request and you make it seem like it's funny/ok that you can't help it. I wonder if you even bother to make an effort or even give a rat's ass about what I said. Or maybe I'm just not being firm enough, which might be what I should do next or what I should have done from the start.

Where do I go from here?

Your selflessness is what really moves me and pushes me to be better. But your disrespect of my wishes and needs upsets me time and time again. No matter how many times I explain it, repeat it, you feel that I am being unfair to you.

It hurts me that you would say that.

Thinking back, it is through my own fault that you feel entitled to what actually is not rightfully yours and also my fault that I am incapable of convincing you that what we are doing is wrong.

This is not the only thing though, sometimes I regret agreeing with the thoughts you put in my head. It creates dislike and disrespect toward the people that are close to me. I say things and do things that are not what I would normally do.

This situation is somewhat familiar, almost like Eve blaming the serpent for her wrongdoings.

I never thought I would turn out like this. Maybe I'm the devil, causing others to sin, creating temptation while I blame others for not respecting what I want when I contradict myself.

How pretentious. I pretend to be trying to change and doing the right thing while I tempt others into break the rules and blame them for bringing me into it.

What do I do now? Draw the line and run far from it? Or just end it?

Is a relationship with a Christian man really so different? Would I then be able to  experience what God always intended for me to be treated like in a relationship?

tired

After all that has happened, I thought I would be more excited at life. Instead, I feel frustrated and helpless at the lack of improvement. To top it all off, I'm just loosing steam and drive. 

After taking the biggest plunge of my life, there's not been any sign of it picking up and I feel like I've reached a dead end. Plus, I seem rather content to try hold on to status quo whilst I can. Logically-speaking, I should do something, but I'm afraid to do something and quite comfortable albeit rather guilty of not trying. Little things get me down, I can't play the same part of a song for the pass few weeks. Progress is snail-paced, which really frustrates me also. I used to learn fast and enjoy it, but now, because of the lack of progress I don't enjoy it. It frustrates me because I don't know why I just can't learn it. I also make new habits out of new mistakes adding to the frustration I feel. After which I decide, the frustration is just not worth it and come back another time, where the cycle just repeats itself. 

Resting does not even feel like resting. Instead, I wake up just as tired as when I slept. As a result, I have the memory of a goldfish, I can't remember things I saw only seconds or minutes ago. It stresses my mind to force myself to remember things. 

So afraid I will forget, so afraid I will fail and so afraid that I would look stupid.

So I guess, it's all just fear. 

A lot of fear.

Pain

It's a hurt that I have never felt in my life

So be it

Sometimes I feel like just throwing myself off a high place and ending all of this.

It's just much better to be alone and disappear from this world.

There would be no one who would miss it.

If this is what you want, then so be it.

Why do things have to be this way?

why do things have to be so complicated?

It's so hurtful, it truly is. There is no faith in people, not even in those who you say are "family".

You all act like we all owe you everything and that just frustrates me.

Do all people who get older get this way?

Unforgiving and just unable to see the good in people.

Disappointments

Chronic

The disappointment just never ends. You hope and hope that there will be a glimmer of change but it's always short-lived. I don't know what I need to do to convince you, both of you. I sometimes feel like I am meddling too much and I am too afraid to pray for anything because I am so afraid of disappointment. There have been so many things said in church that I hoped had struck a cord that might initiate some from of change. But it just seems like you could not be bothered to give two hoots about anything that is happening or maybe you just think we're being anal about everything.

The note and the S3 pretty much did it for me. Well since the S3 was free, I guess that's not too bad. But $800? Not forgetting the time when you bought the laptop, that was what, close to $2000. Fair enough, you needed one, but to hear you hitting it and calling it 'stupid' (when clearly you are the one) just convinces me once again that you shouldn't have bought it. The monitor, I don't even want to know. There were clearly free ones lying around, but because of what? Your pride? You bought your own.

What exactly is this family to you? You will not do anything beyond what you feel like doing. Sacrifice is almost non existent except on your own terms and conditions. Ha, would that even qualify being a sacrifice? You won't even admit when something is CLEARLY your mistake. Do you assume that everyone is against you?

Sometimes I really feel taken advantaged off when I do things for you. You have not given anything in return, and you somehow equate buying back food at a time because you need it as doing something/contributing. I tell myself every time, I should respect you no matter. But should I even need to tell myself such a thing. It's become so routine, that I think it has changed from respect to indifference. I am no longer angry but jaded. Upset sometimes, but resigned.

The list can go on and I wonder why it's this way, why is it you cannot see what you are doing. I am just so upset that that nothing I say can possibly describe how I feel. My mood changes when people ask about you. I just cook up the best story I can think of.

I hope for the day when I won't have to.

Acute

I think I am a very average person and being average is just difficult. There's nothing outstanding about you. You do pretty alright in life but never outstanding. You work so hard just to be a bit better but it just always is not enough to get you anything. I remind myself to trust in God, if it is meant for me, God will give it to me. If it isn't, no matter what I do, I would not get it. But sometimes I get jealous. Why is it some people are the exception to the rule? Why am I never the exception? No As, going to Oxford? That's my dream...but of course I am always part of the statistic that generally occurs.