And just like that...the day has passed.

It was supposed to be great...but instead it was just as it usually is.

It's difficult to understand. The mind gets it but not the heart.

Tired. Exhausted. Mentally.

Something keeps making me go back. Foolishness? Love? Love? Really? Can something like this be called that? Thinking about all the words that went back and forth, all I remember was my disbelief at what was said by her and the usual words that played like a broken record.

SHUT. UP. Please.

I'm not keeping score, but with words like that it's hard not to recollect what I did. Maybe to her it was not that I wanted to, to her it was a duty and that I did it all with a level of unwillingness that was above everything else. Maybe as long as she did something for me in return, the favour (?), this "debt" was declared cleared and filed away. Burnt.

Not once. Not twice. Too many times for me to count.

You are ungrateful and disrespectful....Since when have you ever done anything for me? 


Would it be right to say then that you have never done anything for me because it was a duty to a daughter? I try so hard to understand your intentions, your ways, where is yours?

Maybe distance is best when it's between us.

To say that I am hurt does not even come close.

4 pm, alone at home, on a rainy Saturday.


Sad songs play away to the voices of 정용화 and 이홍기. 


I should be writing my journal paper.


I've been at this so long the music's changed over to more upbeat rock. The brain is now in a mix of 'enjoy-the-beat' and 'OMGOMGOMG'.

I'm tired...

I just need someone to talk to

What is a home?

I seem to have forgotten what it feels like.

Did I make things turn out the way it is now?

What did I do?

Is anyone there?

Time flies, I've graduated, started working.

Too many things have happened in the pass few months to write them all down.

Too many thoughts have come and gone. I did not know how to start writing them down then and neither do I now. A mess of emotions mixed with thoughts that run through my mind, a breeding ground for impetuous, shallow and judgmental accusations on people.

Are some people just not reasonable, or am I not accepting enough? Am I too quick to think of myself and not others? Perhaps I am swayed easily, a spineless person who has not a mind of her own?

What exactly have I become?

writer's block...fuck.

My brain feels like a stuttering idiot...after reading all that stuff, I just can't type it out onto a word file. Sometimes remembering what you've read is a curse...you have a rough idea but you can't seem to phrase it in the way it is commonly done, so you decide to refer to the article which is where all the trouble starts. You read more than you should and you get so stuck in the way the writer's written it you become handicapped in rephrasing it all...

I need a better place to write this and concentrate and I need to be in a better state of mind.

I shall refrain from posting about the goings-on in my head...and instead lament about the fact that I didn't think through what I just did with my blog...

a revamp without a template back-up.

I thought I thought it through and hey, whatever's not there is fine...I mean most of it was pretty juvenile given I've had this blog for a while...a very long while...until I notice that my links were all gone and so I am fucked.

If anyone out there happens to read my blog, you could somehow tell me how to recover this and salvage this blunder of mine on this horrible day which began approximately 3-4hours ago.

End of another week...
at least I'm on track with work for my materials and methods...the intro really needs to start moving too though. The drawing is giving me hell too...ugh. I cannot learn software like this....if only someone could teach me how to do it. Not forgetting the data, it's like a jack-in-the-box, the work just keeps piling up and one day, it's going to KILL ME! I might need someone to lighten the load.

That aside, holidays are pretty much FYP oriented. UWS has now replaced school on the schedule of things. Not that I mind it..somehow walking around there never gets that boring despite the lack lustre place. Today they put a Christmas tree in the underwater tunnel today...which was a nice surprise and amusing too. I wonder how the fish took it. 

Troubled, I am. But why does it bother me so? 
can someone please explain what this is? I really need someone to talk about this to...because it's festering in my brain!!

what does it feel like to have someone there for you?

Is this called temptation? Or just purely the lack of the ability to keep your nose out of someone's business? This feeling doesn't seem to follow the latter.

8 MORE DAYS!!

It was going fine!!

Please stop...please. I cannot feed this preoccupation...all I ask is 2 weeks, then you/it/whatever can haunt me...

Please

A 2 week break...Hopefully things will start to clear up.

Just study and not think about it

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Savior please, help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
Because You're all that I have?

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me.
Hallelujah.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.
No, Savior please, keep saving me.

How is it something not about you could make you feel this way?

You want to help, but you don't know how...how to make it feel just slightly better, because you don't know the least bit about what is happening or how it feels and what that someone would need.

So...you don't know if you should call, message...it might not be the right thing...so you leave it alone.

Alone. Somehow doesn't seem right...but it works for some and not for others. So what do you do?

What do you do?
 

I didn't think it meant anything much...

so why does it bother me so much?

I think it should end here...I might be in too much over my head.


What do you think?

since when did going out together become this difficult...


"Upset" just cannot suffice

No no no...I'm probably going to hell because of this.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

I think I really need to think about what I am doing...