down, down we go

I'm falling apart and the only thing I can do is to just keep doing things. Sometimes I can think it through, most of the time I cannot.

I'm in a state of panic and I don't know what to do. Do I tell someone, ask someone? What should I be able to do myself and not have to bother people with? Or am I in such a panicked state that I cannot see that I can solve all this on my own.

I need/want to let it all out, but I don't know where/ to who.

I need someone to tell me what to do, how to overcome this.

Time and time again

Another period of unhappiness solved by me saying "sorry"

No matter what my opinion is, I don't feel it's worth it to discuss or talk about anything. The responses are too predictable and disheartening. If you want to feel you're in the right ok. I'll give that to you. But as I repress all this, I cannot help but think that it will happen again. Then, once again, I will be standing there listening to the same things because it is the same things that will annoy me and get me into this situation.

I wish things were more transparent, because you always feel we should know exactly what you want to do but the instructions given are often so vague. But you strongly feel that you've done fine so, never mind.

You always insist that you have said thing's, written things, informed etc. But you always don't want to face up to the truth of what you really said. You see it as my urge to fight/quarrel with you. I don't want to fight /quarrel. There is enough of that going around, but then you will never know this because I will never tell you. I have more or less given up on reasoning or discussing anything.

Until next time.

Lost

What should I do now? Is it right to continue this way?

Should I give in? again? Is it what I should do?

Should I seek help? Where? Who? But it's not my secret to tell. Right?

The future

I do not know what God had planned for this relationship of ours. All I know is this, despite how sometimes your ways and habits get on my nerves, I have never found someone better than you. You love me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Give me so much even though I give you so little.

I pray that, even though you have yet to know him, God will give speak to you and give you wisdom to make the decisions you need to make when the time comes. Also, I pray that whatever the outcome, I will be able to accept it and that some day we will both hold hands with God, walking into our future. A future, right now, I wish we will be walking together into.

Screwed over

The day started with trepidation. Worrying about what had happened to my samples in my absence and what will happen to them with my handling.

The nutrients were added and the silicate disappeared unlike the last time. Which is good, and the pH did not rise much. High tide was not too late so the samples were sent back to the lab on time. I even had time to process two more samples from my backlog from the previous trial - only 8 more to go  T.T

Then shit started, one you said you can send me back...then you said you cannot. Fine... Then the person with the car just sends a message and doesn't reply. At least just tell me you might not be able to make it. Then, I have no idea what happened but we could have been on time, instead we ended up late. Not just late, grossly late. I am trying hard to give the benefit of the doubt here.

What. The. Hell.

I just want to be left alone for a while. To be free of other people's actions defining what I do next.

Sadness

With no expectation there will be no disappointment

Lost of interest

I'm unhappy. I don't have a word to describe it. 'Boring' is an a understatement. Taking each other for granted? I really don't know what's happening. Do you even feel that there's something amiss?

This isn't the first time this is happening. We've both been busy, me even longer, and it's been the cause of the inability of us to have some time to ourselves, take a holiday and all that jazz. So yeah, I thought I'd be more understanding during this time and let it pass, but today was just disappointing.

I've been wanting to go to places and you've been tired, so fine we spend it indoors to get rested. But the minute someone else wants to go, you just go. No excuses.

I just don't know what to say. Maybe I really just need to spend time alone or just away from you with someone else. So that everything doesn't have to revolve around you.

Time of need

I've been feeling this sense of helplessness for a very long time. These feelings of yours are probably similar to a certain degree. I, for one, do not know how to make you feel better because I'm not even there yet. You are not the person I need and I do not know if you know whether I am the person you need.

I always thought that you were all I need, but through all this time I realised it was not so. Speaking to you about my problems, trials etc. I had no feeling of a burden shared. Which, personally, I felt quite  emotionally confused about.

Perhaps it's me not having the right outlook when you dish out advice or words of encouragement and comfort. Instead, it was an unlikely person that was able to help me feel better. He is going through similar experience emotionally, but it would be unfair to compare this as we have no control over the  experiences that just come to us out of circumstance. But it was because I found someone who, like me, is learning to draw strength from a higher being. God, where we can lay our troubles down at his feet. Cry out to him, for comfort, guidance or just to seek refuge from the chaos. Phrases such as 加油 and 'you can do it' have this element of me doing everything on my own strength, which right now I lack. Someone who understands that and can walk together with me as I depend on God is something important now.

If you cannot carry me, how can I ask you to. And if I can't carry me, I don't think I can carry you. Instead we need God, which right now, you are not interested to allow in.

Frustration

I don't know if it's because it's the time of the month but the lack of commitment is just pissing me off real easily.

I wanted to go to BTNR you say it's wet, fine. I asked last month if we can go see hobbiton, you said after the school holidays. Fine, it's been three weeks since the school holidays are over. All you want to do is stay in and sleep. It's fine, some relaxation and company is good but seriously? ALL THE TIME? I said I wanted to watch the hobbit on my own you wanted to come over and watch with me. Fine. You said you'll come after church, which became after lunch and then it was let me nap for a while. After which I already knew it wasn't going to happen. So I'll just watch it on my own. Which was what I wanted to do originally, I'm just irked that you said you wanted to come and watch it... Only to just decide not to.

I mean come on. I'd rather do this stuff on my own. At least, I'll get to do it.

Another gripe I have is how we always have these serious conversations over WhatsApp and when we meet there's nothing said or the conversation is as short as anything. Why?

Just pure frustration. Maybe all this is just coming up because I cannot go out and eat normally yet, so I'm beginning to nitpick.

A pity

It only seems like a short while since he's been back but with this operation, it has made these five days long.

We haven't spent much time together... And it is a bit of a disappointment that I am still home alone.

Hopefully by Monday I can eat more things and life wouldn't taste so bad... Ugh. The sweet taste is just starting to get gross.

I don't understand

What is this supposed to mean?

Is this my fault? That I overestimated myself or underestimated this exam?

Is this some sort of punishment? For not  spending more time practicing? For doubting?

The pain is just unbearable. Just when I think that things can't get any worse they do. So it seems ANYTHING I do... Things can only get worse. So any little bit of 'up' can suffice . Is that the point? So that I am so low that I'll take whatever small benefit I get?

Or have I been having it too good?

I just did the unthinkable. I don't know if I should be crying, because I want to. On one hand, I want to cry so hard that I can't  breathe because I think I might feel better. On the other, I just feel I feel so empty.

And I have no one to tell this to.

CNY day 2

Who needs horrible relatives when you have parents who absolutely hate each other. I don't even know if hate is the right word, more of how each others very existence and aura just pushes all the wrong buttons.

One just stews in his righteous juices while the other constantly points out the bad things within earshot of the other.

The perfect example of tit-for-tat.

Sometimes it's just better to be apart than to be a part of each others lives.

New day

Yesterday was just horrendous.

At the moment I saw the police cars my heart just sank, my mind panicked. An alternative route calmed me down but when the one ray of hope that I had turned out to be nothing more than what I saw on jalan bahar, I didn't know to be angry or to cry. I told myself I still had some time before 24 hours was up, plus there was also the possibility of everything being done by 2 pm.

Hours passed and I just say there helpless as the clock approached 5pm. In those few hours, I understood what it was to be angry at God. Why wasn't he fighting for me? Was it something that I did? Do I need to change things? It also didn't help when my only human source of comfort never failed to disappoint with words that some of the friends I have would say on my Facebook as a two - liner.

I am tired and the urge to give up during these lows is high. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle.

Tell me. Please.

Are you there?

Are you fighting for me?

Am I not fighting hard enough?

Person

In the words of Meredith Grey: "I need a person who's in it with me"

I need someone who will let me rant my concerns, understand why I'm so crappy at dealing with these kinds of situations. Someone I can cry to and be comforted.

I don't need chastising remarks. Most of all from you. I don't think I have ever said anything with such a tone to you or maybe you're just better than me.

I need a person and you're just not it.

Indifference

There seems to be no solution to broken human relations. At least from a non-professional angle for broken human relations that is just a tangled web of lies, hate, pain and anger.

There is no room for any remote goodness. The land of reconciliation is an island that just does not exist to the human eye.  So we keep sailing, aimlessly, in this sea of lies, hate, pain and anger where there are occasional upwellings, storms and tsunamis.

It takes two hands to clap, so if one party has done wrong, they can safely say that the other has done likewise. As to whether the crime/wrong is in equal weight is another matter altogether. Not that I believe in weighing it out. Our pride is just so much bigger than our ability to be the bigger person to take the first step to giving way. Sometimes the relationship has become so full of anger and frustration that we can no longer continue in doing the right thing. I will never forget what my sister said to me the other day, to paraphrase

"I always treat people the same no matter how they treat me because at least I know that I have not done wrong to the other person"

I have this extreme urge or need to find a way to fix this but maybe there isn't a way? Perhaps the crucial factor is the people involved who just cannot say sorry to each other.

Would indifference make life easier? Probably. Would indifference make the life of those around me easier? Probably not.

So what do I do? What can I do?

Aching heart

An aching heart.

Holding hands

Hugs

Cuddles

A kiss

Small little moments

Moments that I want and need

Where are we now?

I do not know how to describe how I feel right now. Maybe quite similar to what happened that day just at a much lower intensity.

I do not think that it is the need to prove myself right but more of that I was very disappointed and having a hard time forgiving and letting it go.

I guess in all these nine years I have come to know that comforting words are not what I would get when I pour out the problems I face. Who would I go to then?  To pour out my worries, get a good cry, a hug and all that that I want so much?

Maybe all this is supposed to make me stronger?

What I know right now is that I feel distressed, all alone and just lost. So, maybe I don't have the right person to go through a crisis/difficult time with? In the words of Meredith Grey, I don't have a person.

What's the point

It's like talking to a wall. Nothing I say seems to get any kind of comfort at all. I'm stressed, worried and tired. And all I get are :( and I'm going to sleep. Wow, tanks!

I fully understand that we are five freaking hours apart but it's like no question about how I'm doing or what happened today. I have to tell you and then oh, wow, surprise :( or :). Fuck this shit la. I think my colleagues give me better support than you do. Even people who are seven hours away bother to ask.

So, you know what? Since its such a disservice to myself I might as well just cut it off.

Speechless

There are many kinds of people in the world and amongst that there are people I just have no respect at all for. I don't expect much from them but they just never fail to surprise you.

I don't even know whether to laugh or to cry.

Sometimes I try hard to push myself to reach their version of satisfactory. Thinking, hey, this is probably a motivation to get out of my comfort zone. But at times like this I realise, they're just fucked up.