Sometimes

There are times you just want to be alone. But there are just so many people around that they just press on you making you want to explode.

What's happening?

I don't know what's gotten into me. Seems likely I haven't quite gotten over the loss. Adamant on finding something as good, but frustrated that I can't get something like that back.

No time

Not even for sadness and tears.

Too bad.

Just got to move on.

What else can you do? Don't cry over spilt milk. If only how I feel now could comprehend this logic.

I just think too many things were going well for too long.

Eclipsed

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun, you are.”

- Grey's Anatomy

Maybe I need to change how I portray myself

Not entirely

There are times I really wish we were already in that phase and times I feel quite lucky we aren't.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I  were already in it. After all, you made a commitment so you just have to find ways to work it out. But I keep finding out new things, things that are not necessarily good. Things that I don't know if I could live with. Some of which, I feel could be my fault. In my haste to be tolerable and understanding, I think I have most probably let too many things slide. Things that make me unhappy. Very unhappy.

This bled over from this new outlook I took on in life. This outlook was supposed to prevent unhappiness in the people around me from occurring. Essentially keep the peace, not to be too opinionated, grumble etc. But small things accumulate and have repercussions over time too.

And now, I just don't know what's the most constructive way to deal with this.

only myself to blame

I let you convince me that you will help me.

Never again will I trust you on this. It's always you, what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Well just fuck that. All your sorrys are just full of crap and I have so much pent up unhappiness that I have nowhere, no one to tell and say to.

What is this?

I don't know what this is supposed to be. A trial by fire or just something which it's sole aim is to break me?

I seriously don't know whether to cry or to smile when people ask me how I am. Does smiling and saying everything's ok make things better? Maybe somehow convince me that things will get better? Whatever it is, I guess crying is just too much for anyone to take.

Overwhelmed

There are so many things I want to do for myself
1. Get my experiments done because if not I basically will never finish my PhD
2. Write my review paper, because no has done it yet. If it gets done, it could ger cited a lot, and unpublished work is not research
3. Spend time with my boyfriend just  because I need someone to go to to recharge and also to lean on when things get hard
4. Practice piano because it's a hobby they I enjoy doing
5. Catch up on my serials from time to time because it's something passive that I do to relax and get away from all the thinking I need to do all the time.
6. Exercise, this really is taking a back seat much to my dislike because I really feel that it's important to my wellbeing
7. Sleep, because if I don't, I fall sick and everything goes to shit

Some of these things can be done together to save the need to further split my time between them. Also, they don't all have to be done in the same day because things like spending time with my boyfriend don't happen everyday due to conflicting schedules sometimes.

Sleep: 6-7 hours
Experiments: 4 hours
Review paper: 3.5 hours
Eating: 3 hours during which, now and then, I squeeze in an episode of whatever it is I am watching
Travelling: 2.5 hours
Piano: 1 hour maybe

Seems pretty ok... But so many things happen in between. Like how productivity drops so things just take longer to get done. Or more like during the number of stipulated hours almost nothing gets done or there are distractions. Not forgetting things like having to attend class, other outside activities like teaching, going to church and Bible study.

Am I making this out to be a bigger problem than its supposed to be? Maybe I need to adhere to a timetable for this to work out properly so I don't fall flat on my face and suffer more...Maybe I'm just not doing things right?

So much for that

So much for speaking my mind. Everything I asked for almost always goes out the window.

Have a date night.... Didn't last.

Split dinner equally between the two places.... Nope. I still have dinner more often at his place, I have to ask to come over to my place and then get refused.

Wash up at my house because that's what I do at his place.... Nope. I do it all.

He wanted to spend time.. Sure... But all he did was play a game and WhatsApp a friend almost the whole night. Look, I have nothing against your friend, but firstly I'm tired so if you're going to this now; please just go home. This is no different to talking on the phone. At least if I'm alone, I can do what I want and I can go to sleep without bothering about anything else.

Sometimes if I don't ask for him to come over, my house is like a stopover to wait around for the next thing or a place to leave the car.

And another one

Now I have to prepare for my oral QE. I thought it was just a presentation but apparently I have to write up a 10-15 page document to convince the panel that I can do this.

So that's what the written QE is for? So that I can write another one later for my own project? Needless to say I am not taking this well. Myself being unconvinced about what I have done and plan to do, I have to convince these people that I can finish this. I don't feel at ease. Everyone said that the last round was easy and I failed... This time people say it's easy too.

I truly feel alone and I'm afraid I am slipping into depression. Perhaps it stems from the utter disorganisation resulting from the fact that everything is half done? Nothing is completed. Which is not how I usually function. And I thought I can deal with that since something isn't working out /is going to take some time to get prepped let's get something else done? But it just makes me feel worse when things don't work out.

I also don't feel that there's anyone I can talk to. Talking just leads to the same things said and it's not that I don't know them I just cannot emotionally resolve it. This is what I think cannot be solved by other people? Really?

Dream

I had a dream and it was a good one. I don't remember the details very clearly but it made me happy to see it happen.

Thinking back on it now just makes me feel somewhat sad though. Who knows if it will even happen?

Depression?

My happy pill is gone. I never thought that she affected my mood so much. It's a sort of quiet emptiness that I feel. That makes my heart jump for joy just that little bit when I hear her voice, see her call or receive her messages.

Is the mood enhancer working? I have no idea. Maybe the root lies in my lack of sleep. Maybe I need to be better organised? Two unfinished projects is one too many which really throws me off. I know that life is like that, you run into failures; life's not always smooth flowing. But knowing this does not help me. I need to get out of this rut of being obsessed with being afraid to fail, afraid to make a fool of myself trying etc. Which logically I know..but emotional wise I'm just dumb at trying to get over.

I don't want to carry on like this, I might fall into depression (maybe I already am). I want to be strong, persevere and get through it all.

I want to be happy

Do I really need it? A mood enhancer? I do feel down, a lot more than I used to and it makes me upset that I feel this way.

I really want to feel happy about what I do. I want people to feel excited about what I do and feel that what I study matters but I just don't think I can get my head around this.

Maybe it's the need to have some successes. Because it's been too many failures so far.

Another one gone

So we didn't get the flat again. It was our third try, and I must say that at least this time I had a good feeling about this flat. Almost everything about it was good; the location, price and size. The only thing was that we didn't know why the previous owner moved out or had to move out. Almost somewhat like our dream home?

But recently, I've been having second thoughts with the recent happenings. At first I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't even know he hurt my feelings. However after saying that I was still unhappy, he managed to pick out what could have been causing my unhappiness. Maybe I should have said it? Instead of waiting for him to pick up on it. Maybe I should have been more obvious about my discontent but instead I appear happy. After that, the apology seemed rather insincere. Somewhat playful.

Maybe I wasn't trusting enough? Maybe it was my constant dismissing that I probably wouldn't get it that made it turn out this way? Or there's something about the place that isn't right for us?

Beyond me

I had been awake since 5am and at 9pm you fall asleep. I really believe that there is a possibility you are more tired than me given that I can take breaks in between and you can't. But the thing that made me really upset/annoyed/disrespected/pissed off was that not only did you fall asleep, you made yourself comfortable before that. Put a pillow and lie down on it at the table. Most people would try not to, simply as a sign of respect, but I guess you didn't see much of a need to. I tried to ignore it but, for obvious reasons such as snoring, it was so difficult not to.

I just don't know what to think right now.

So what? It's OK.

So now everyone's happy, except me. But it's OK, because it's not important.

Then again, when is it ever important what I feel or need. As long as everyone around me is happy. After all, whatever is important is for me or to me is probably not that important after all.

My 2 cents on the issue

So the issue of raising children well came up. I will not say that I have experience in doing any of it... But I count myself lucky in having been raised well, so I at least know or have a benchmark for it. At the same time, I also know what to expect in return for the methods used. The worry or concern is definitely not unwarranted but some things are just excuses.

"I'm not him/her. How can I be that." like I said, it is the one excuse that would stop anyone from doing anything. Who in the world would say that I am you? Of course you're not him. If that were ever a good enough excuse for anything we would all not do anything, because essentially I definitely am not "you".

Frankly some of the most essential things is knowing what a child who is well brought up in like and of course being able to support the child in his or her development. If you know what a well raised child is like, and I don't just mean things not committing crimes, then at least you would know what you're aiming for your child to be like. These can come in the form of either values or the personality. Some examples could be being respectful toward elders, caring, concerned about others, having an inquisitive mind, quick to learn (and the list goes on...) but of course our expectations cannot stray away from reality and continue to be moulded by the reality that we face. For example, if you expect your child to be good at a particular activity and he isn't he may be good at something else. There will be things that you cannot compromise on such as breaking the law.

Another issue would be having the means to support your child. Money isn't everything but you definitely need it. Will you be able to support his interests e.g. Painting, sports etc. And support is development e.g. Childcare and enrichment activities. If you don't have the means to, do you have other areas of support you can draw from e.g. Parents or in laws. You would also need to decide what are essential and what are accessories and factor that in.

If you're unwilling to sacrifice your way of life now for the changes that are to come with a child then I, personally, would just tell you straight not to have any. As anyone will tell you, having children comes with making sacrifices and if you still don't believe the many people who tell you this and that the sacrifices are worth it then you either need to rethink this again at another time or just give up the idea.

Having kids is not for everyone just like how everyone leads life differently. So, if you suit a life without any, then why not? Just as long as careful consideration was put into making the final decision and you live without regrets.

Personally I have been raised well and so has my partner. In a place like Singapore, my worry is just providing and whether I can be the disciplinarian in the face of (what most people say) the cute face that is my child. Discernment comes with experience and I will say, God's guidance, in raising a godly child in this world. Plus, I also think that the upbringing of myself and my partner has given us a head start.

What am I supposed to think?

I don't know whether to be upset, angry or to cry.

I'm just so angry.

No apology nothing, because it's OK that I'm in trouble. After all, you don't have to deal with it. Just make her laugh, a few jokes here and there will do the trick.

Not only that, you dare to say you're tired? You did not even give two shits about what I have to do tomorrow morning at all. It was just let's have fun after all, leave now or later there's no difference.

Nothing, I got nothing in return.

I'm sorry, we just don't match up. We live in two different world's...and it's not happening again. Ever. Unless there's an airplane involved.

Holiday?

I'm tired....this holiday just didn't feel like a holiday. Again.

Waking up early... Lack of sleep....nonstop eating. All not what I have in mind as a holiday that I need. Plus, the endless mockery was just not needed.

The last thing I need is going home so late. After all these years I thought there would be some obvious difficulty in that. I try not to be the one who disrupts the party but I have my limits. What do I get? Maybe I was mocked? Or I was just upset and interpreted the tone that way.

I don't want to make the group upset so it did make me uncomfortable to say it but I expected something in return as well. The things is also, everyone is tired so I don't understand why we want to stay out so late. Because of the jam? I'm sorry, I just can't do it. Even if it means the same timing whether I was telling the truth or not.

I don't know how to process my thoughts right now. Should I have handled it otherwise? Or better?

Fear

I now know the feeling of fearing for your life.

I do not recall anything that has made me doubt myself, my capabilities and intellect this much. I stepped in the room with nervousness, but still having some remnant hope that I could still handle things based on my knowledge and experience. 

When the exam started, things already felt different. I short-listed two possible questions that I could do. You would think that this is good, because the last time I only had one. The difference this time was that I was only half confident of writing up both questions unlike the last time where I was fairly comfortable doing that one question. I took time to fully consider the question and even took time to write some pointers on the requirements for the question. 

After all of that, I proceeded to do question 13 on establishing MPAs since I was not comfortable writing about socio-economics in the other question, which was a major component. I started writing the introduction to ease myself into things, constantly referring to the question so that I would not stray and write up all the things spelt out in the question. Some parts really were not easy, especially since I could not recall a lot of common terms such as 'multi-variate analysis' and I also could not recall what an LIT entails. I just could not recall whether it only involved ID-ing or coral cover or both. So I scratched the idea and just put transects. The question also stated to choose three 'somethings' to from a list of variables that we were supposed to list down from biological, ecological, genetic and environmental categories mentioned in the question that would be important in considering potential candidate sites. I had questioned myself on whether the three were from the variables I had to list or were they the three categories from the four categories mentioned in the question. I remember that that based on the 'something' that was used in the question I deduced that it would be choosing three variables from what I had to list, since that was the last mentioned subject. Now I am not so sure since I cannot recall the exact wording. If I was wrong, I would have misread the question and everything would not be valid, and probably considered to not have met the criteria of the question. Lastly, I was supposed to come up with a way to assess the 'best sites'. I thought I could use an index to do this, then when I got to writing it I realised I did not have a very clear idea of how I would score this thing. So that might also bring me down since I felt that my writing was so muddling and I might just piss the examiner off but the confusion. But, what else to do, I had not other ideas on hand. I managed to squeeze in a small paragraph on significance which score me some points...or not since it was just two short paragraphs totalling to half a page.

Perhaps I was dumb to talk about it. I've never done coral surveys, nor have I read much on criteria on choosing MPA sites. What I know is based on simple surveys and I am not even sure they are suitable for fulfilling this objective. Talking about it, just brought up things that I had not written about. Knowing that the question was set to help me pass, was just burdensome. It has brought confidence a new low and now I doubt my capabilities even more. People always say when you're at the bottom the only way is up, but I am constantly finding new lows to hit. 

I'm here pouring out my grievances, as usual. Because, no one knows the depth of fear I am feeling now. Passing remarks of  'you'll be ok', 'you'll pass' and 'what's done is done, you can't do anything about it' just doesn't help. Strange thing is, the people close to me and who are acquaintances just tell me the same things. I'm not comfortable pouring out all the details of my worries to people I'm not close with so I just briefly mention some things to make it seem that I am ok. But with people I am close with, I don't even get a chance to get there. Those same remarks just get repeated again and again. So where do I go from here? Maybe this is something that I'm supposed to handle on my own since I can't find a person to unload my worries to. How I handle this would probably determine if I survive well through all this or if I end up crashing and burning. 

Things is, my track record of handling these things has never been great.