circuit breaker month 2

Working from home has not been awesome. I've not been one who enjoys working from home and so there the possibility I may have set myself up for failure?

I am a structured and systematic person and so this disruption affects exactly that. As most people feel, having to work from home has blurred the boundaries of work and leisure/home. Disrupting the physical separation that has mentally helped me deal with the stress and 'bringing work home'. So with that small things like my desk not being right, the chair being too low, my specs not working out have really triggered me. Things at home that never bothered me now bother me a lot, like the sofa, unused table and my want for a sideboard. It's gotten so bad that I've shed quite some tears at night and made my husband feel inadequate. My sprained wrist has resulted in me depending on him to do the things I would otherwise do. When they're not done to that standard, I tend to gently point it out and I know he feels a tad bit upset by it, because there was a reason I did those chores in the first place (because he didn't like doing them).

With all this that had been happening, I just thought maybe making would help me sort things out. Relieve some of that tension, have some sense of accomplishment. Little did I know that would trigger something else. Some essential things like vanilla extract would be out of stock nationwide. No sodium bicarb, chocolate and the list goes on. All of it adding bit by bit to my small despair, until last night. I suddenly had a brainwave to substitute chocolate with milo powder and found maple syrup/instant coffee can substitute for vanilla extract. All of which I have at home... Not quite the things I wanted but can possibly work. So I decided to bake today.

As I started baking today, there were so many mental stops. Since I was baking and not exactly following the recipe (structured person that I am) I kept checking and checking can I do it this way, can I just put the same amount in, it asked for unsalted butter I have salted. I mean baking is a science after all. Then I was like "ugh! oh well here goes." and then just put everything in and baked it.

It smelled good, took waaay longer to bake but after cooling it didn't taste bad. Even then my brain was like "it would possibly taste better if I had followed the recipe". I gave some to people and they thought it was nice. I was like well I mean any recipe would probably be alright also. At least it wasn't half bad :).

Then as I was sitting down continuing to binge on friends this thought came to mind. I guess it's pretty much lesson on how everything is not perfect but still worked out. I jusy needed to get over it, get pass that worry and ride it out. With effort, of course.

Maybe I just need to remember this. 

Maybe make more too to remind myself. 

How much is too much?

We fight about a lot of things, or maybe it's just me?

Maybe I expected too much? Sometimes I think it's about my competitiveness where I just want to be having a better life than everyone else. Then in that case the joke's on me right ha. 

The problems are not unique, in fact very stereotypical. So would that mean my only choices are habituate or tolerate? I think for the most part of it I try but I mean, come on, some days it's just hard. Some days I can laugh it off, some days it's not a joke. Most of the time it's like a joke to you, no?

Maybe I'm just being overwhelmingly responsible. Like way too much and I just need to calm my tits. Am I? Do I? Is that it? Maybe I brought this on myself and I was just majorly stupid. Allowing this thing into my conscience. It was not my business and now it is. So what do I do now? What's the right thing to do? 

Change

Mid-year has arrived. 

Might possibly be a good time to look back on things so far. 

Many things have happened, some wins and some loses. Unfortunately, it appears that there have been more losses or what I perceive to be losses than wins. 

Marriage life has had some impact on me, I have moved to a new home for almost three months now and it has become a place, a refuge for me that I have come to feel comfortable in. At the same time, I have noticed changes in myself that have slowly but surely taken place. I am more short-tempered and snappy. Emotions run high and fast. I am less forgiving, hold grudges and less giving. At this moment, reflecting on this I honestly feel sad at what I have become. Something I must resolve to change.

Going back to work has not been easy with so many challenges to take on. Figuring out my place at work, what can I contribute and what is the plan from now. I came back to a team of people where despite having known each other prior to my PhD and continued to meet each other somewhat regularly I found I had to get to know again. The years and challenges at work had changed them, plus I had to transit from working on my own to working with other people again. Where I had four years to learn and develop something, I now had to adapt and pick up info fast as I was put on projects that were already in progress.  As that was happening, a change in management added another challenge: working for/with someone that was a complete opposite. The change had silver linings, the drive and motivation was high but yet interrelations were and are still stressful. I felt always on edge, that I was not meeting expectations and did not belong. A vicious cycle ensued, I became uncomfortable being uncomfortable, became afraid of everything, removed myself from risky things which in turn led to me feeling demoralised as I was not performing. The fear and worry paralysed my urge to try new things and so the cycle goes on. I became a person, I had consciously resolved not to become. Possibly, God has given me another chance. Doors have opened, probably as another chance for me to grow and I have decided that despite the fear and worry I shall consciously step into it. Ask for help. Let people help.  Learn from the help I am given.

Actually, the impetus for writing this post came about due to a recent happening. Desmond announced his resignation confirming my unsettled feelings. It's been a long friendship that began at this workplace and grew but will possibly die upon his leaving. We came in as equals and grew close, but it seems our different paths have led us to become very different people. Where we used to work well together, we no longer do. When we used to speak to each other a lot, we now don't. Taking the train together we now do in silence, with possibly nothing to talk about or want to talk about. At the wedding, he gave me a present which he thought of during his time in Denmark. We recently connected a bit with each other over orchids and a short trip at Ikea but that was just a passing moment. This announcement came in a way that I least expected despite all the things that have been happening and although I wished him well, the conversation ended quickly. Perhaps things should just take its natural course and we should just go back to being strangers like we were before coming here. 

If there's anything to remember this wedding by, is that I don't want to remember most of it.

I really cannot think of anything that has made me happy through this entire preparation period. It has been full of accommodating everyone's whims and fancies. Not forgetting inconveniencing a whole bunch of people and spending a shit load of money on things that I could have gotten for cheaper if done it my way.

Sure this wedding will be memorable, full of lessons learnt and reinforcing my need to get away. Better yet, out of this country.  

I feel absolutely suffocated by all these people around me and I just want to run away.

Not on the same page

This is probably a foretelling of what would happen if I stayed home. It's not just in my head, but I would go crazy. This craziness... Will really lead to horrible consequences.

This tiredness frustrates me. Is it me? Or normal? It makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough that's why I'm not busy. Business does not equate to a better worker, but this disparity is starting to bug me.

Sometimes, trying is just not good enough.

Failure is a failure.

These feelings

I don't know what the root of these feelings are. Logically, I have no reason to feel this way (I think) , but yet I do. It is because I don't understand why I feel this way that frustrates me.

I used to think that it is jealousy, but maybe it's because I feel I'm better? Or maybe it's just because people have different views? Maybe I'm also being too judgmental?

Is the key to solving this detaching myself from all of this?