If there's anything to remember this wedding by, is that I don't want to remember most of it.

I really cannot think of anything that has made me happy through this entire preparation period. It has been full of accommodating everyone's whims and fancies. Not forgetting inconveniencing a whole bunch of people and spending a shit load of money on things that I could have gotten for cheaper if done it my way.

Sure this wedding will be memorable, full of lessons learnt and reinforcing my need to get away. Better yet, out of this country.  

I feel absolutely suffocated by all these people around me and I just want to run away.

Sometimes, trying is just not good enough.

Failure is a failure.

Torn

When your family just tears you apart. Bit by bit, and there's no one to tell and no one who can help.

Some days you wish you have no feelings for this world or the people in it.

Some days you just want to run and run and run and run so that all your emotions are spent. And you have none left to spare for the things that are painful in life.

Some nights you want to close your eyes and for sleep to quickly take you away from this world. To a world where you can leave behind all this pain. To wake up with a new mind so that all these painful things seem so distant and less hurtful. That the challenges of the new day will crowd out the pain, so you are not alone with it.

Some nights it hurts so much you cannot sleep, you cry so hard. Thinking that if you cry this hard, your heart will hurt and ache less. You hope that crying will make your eyes so tired you'll fall asleep. But it doesn't work.

Some days you just want to take everything and just leave.

Or someone to just shoot you to end it all. Because at this moment, the pain is so much, that no matter how hard you cry it still hurts and aches inside. Because whatever you find joy in is always so near yet so far and you just want to stop running for it.

Maybe a short break? Maybe never again?