circuit breaker month 2

Working from home has not been awesome. I've not been one who enjoys working from home and so there the possibility I may have set myself up for failure?

I am a structured and systematic person and so this disruption affects exactly that. As most people feel, having to work from home has blurred the boundaries of work and leisure/home. Disrupting the physical separation that has mentally helped me deal with the stress and 'bringing work home'. So with that small things like my desk not being right, the chair being too low, my specs not working out have really triggered me. Things at home that never bothered me now bother me a lot, like the sofa, unused table and my want for a sideboard. It's gotten so bad that I've shed quite some tears at night and made my husband feel inadequate. My sprained wrist has resulted in me depending on him to do the things I would otherwise do. When they're not done to that standard, I tend to gently point it out and I know he feels a tad bit upset by it, because there was a reason I did those chores in the first place (because he didn't like doing them).

With all this that had been happening, I just thought maybe making would help me sort things out. Relieve some of that tension, have some sense of accomplishment. Little did I know that would trigger something else. Some essential things like vanilla extract would be out of stock nationwide. No sodium bicarb, chocolate and the list goes on. All of it adding bit by bit to my small despair, until last night. I suddenly had a brainwave to substitute chocolate with milo powder and found maple syrup/instant coffee can substitute for vanilla extract. All of which I have at home... Not quite the things I wanted but can possibly work. So I decided to bake today.

As I started baking today, there were so many mental stops. Since I was baking and not exactly following the recipe (structured person that I am) I kept checking and checking can I do it this way, can I just put the same amount in, it asked for unsalted butter I have salted. I mean baking is a science after all. Then I was like "ugh! oh well here goes." and then just put everything in and baked it.

It smelled good, took waaay longer to bake but after cooling it didn't taste bad. Even then my brain was like "it would possibly taste better if I had followed the recipe". I gave some to people and they thought it was nice. I was like well I mean any recipe would probably be alright also. At least it wasn't half bad :).

Then as I was sitting down continuing to binge on friends this thought came to mind. I guess it's pretty much lesson on how everything is not perfect but still worked out. I jusy needed to get over it, get pass that worry and ride it out. With effort, of course.

Maybe I just need to remember this. 

Maybe make more too to remind myself. 

How much is too much?

We fight about a lot of things, or maybe it's just me?

Maybe I expected too much? Sometimes I think it's about my competitiveness where I just want to be having a better life than everyone else. Then in that case the joke's on me right ha. 

The problems are not unique, in fact very stereotypical. So would that mean my only choices are habituate or tolerate? I think for the most part of it I try but I mean, come on, some days it's just hard. Some days I can laugh it off, some days it's not a joke. Most of the time it's like a joke to you, no?

Maybe I'm just being overwhelmingly responsible. Like way too much and I just need to calm my tits. Am I? Do I? Is that it? Maybe I brought this on myself and I was just majorly stupid. Allowing this thing into my conscience. It was not my business and now it is. So what do I do now? What's the right thing to do? 

Change

Mid-year has arrived. 

Might possibly be a good time to look back on things so far. 

Many things have happened, some wins and some loses. Unfortunately, it appears that there have been more losses or what I perceive to be losses than wins. 

Marriage life has had some impact on me, I have moved to a new home for almost three months now and it has become a place, a refuge for me that I have come to feel comfortable in. At the same time, I have noticed changes in myself that have slowly but surely taken place. I am more short-tempered and snappy. Emotions run high and fast. I am less forgiving, hold grudges and less giving. At this moment, reflecting on this I honestly feel sad at what I have become. Something I must resolve to change.

Going back to work has not been easy with so many challenges to take on. Figuring out my place at work, what can I contribute and what is the plan from now. I came back to a team of people where despite having known each other prior to my PhD and continued to meet each other somewhat regularly I found I had to get to know again. The years and challenges at work had changed them, plus I had to transit from working on my own to working with other people again. Where I had four years to learn and develop something, I now had to adapt and pick up info fast as I was put on projects that were already in progress.  As that was happening, a change in management added another challenge: working for/with someone that was a complete opposite. The change had silver linings, the drive and motivation was high but yet interrelations were and are still stressful. I felt always on edge, that I was not meeting expectations and did not belong. A vicious cycle ensued, I became uncomfortable being uncomfortable, became afraid of everything, removed myself from risky things which in turn led to me feeling demoralised as I was not performing. The fear and worry paralysed my urge to try new things and so the cycle goes on. I became a person, I had consciously resolved not to become. Possibly, God has given me another chance. Doors have opened, probably as another chance for me to grow and I have decided that despite the fear and worry I shall consciously step into it. Ask for help. Let people help.  Learn from the help I am given.

Actually, the impetus for writing this post came about due to a recent happening. Desmond announced his resignation confirming my unsettled feelings. It's been a long friendship that began at this workplace and grew but will possibly die upon his leaving. We came in as equals and grew close, but it seems our different paths have led us to become very different people. Where we used to work well together, we no longer do. When we used to speak to each other a lot, we now don't. Taking the train together we now do in silence, with possibly nothing to talk about or want to talk about. At the wedding, he gave me a present which he thought of during his time in Denmark. We recently connected a bit with each other over orchids and a short trip at Ikea but that was just a passing moment. This announcement came in a way that I least expected despite all the things that have been happening and although I wished him well, the conversation ended quickly. Perhaps things should just take its natural course and we should just go back to being strangers like we were before coming here. 

If there's anything to remember this wedding by, is that I don't want to remember most of it.

I really cannot think of anything that has made me happy through this entire preparation period. It has been full of accommodating everyone's whims and fancies. Not forgetting inconveniencing a whole bunch of people and spending a shit load of money on things that I could have gotten for cheaper if done it my way.

Sure this wedding will be memorable, full of lessons learnt and reinforcing my need to get away. Better yet, out of this country.  

I feel absolutely suffocated by all these people around me and I just want to run away.

Not on the same page

This is probably a foretelling of what would happen if I stayed home. It's not just in my head, but I would go crazy. This craziness... Will really lead to horrible consequences.

This tiredness frustrates me. Is it me? Or normal? It makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough that's why I'm not busy. Business does not equate to a better worker, but this disparity is starting to bug me.

Sometimes, trying is just not good enough.

Failure is a failure.

These feelings

I don't know what the root of these feelings are. Logically, I have no reason to feel this way (I think) , but yet I do. It is because I don't understand why I feel this way that frustrates me.

I used to think that it is jealousy, but maybe it's because I feel I'm better? Or maybe it's just because people have different views? Maybe I'm also being too judgmental?

Is the key to solving this detaching myself from all of this?

Torn

When your family just tears you apart. Bit by bit, and there's no one to tell and no one who can help.

Some days you wish you have no feelings for this world or the people in it.

Some days you just want to run and run and run and run so that all your emotions are spent. And you have none left to spare for the things that are painful in life.

Some nights you want to close your eyes and for sleep to quickly take you away from this world. To a world where you can leave behind all this pain. To wake up with a new mind so that all these painful things seem so distant and less hurtful. That the challenges of the new day will crowd out the pain, so you are not alone with it.

Some nights it hurts so much you cannot sleep, you cry so hard. Thinking that if you cry this hard, your heart will hurt and ache less. You hope that crying will make your eyes so tired you'll fall asleep. But it doesn't work.

Some days you just want to take everything and just leave.

Or someone to just shoot you to end it all. Because at this moment, the pain is so much, that no matter how hard you cry it still hurts and aches inside. Because whatever you find joy in is always so near yet so far and you just want to stop running for it.

Maybe a short break? Maybe never again?

Dawn before the morning

A run

A good cry

One more time, let's get up and go

frustration never ends

What do I need to do to get it through to everyone that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! We're not even anywhere close to doing anything and I already hate it. What's more is that since the beginning there has been NO CONSOLATION whatsoever to doing any of it.

It all just feels like a giant waste of time and my mental well-being (which has probably wasted away quite some).

What do you do when you feel like you are not heard?

I really did not want to give a fuck no more, but then there came hope. But alas, it's the same thing all over again. I wonder if I have deal with this myself because someone cannot figure this shit out and it probably not being anything close to a priority.

There is just NO opportunity to talk about anything, so maybe I really just should fuck it all.

Some days

I wish that everyone could let me do what I want.

What was that?

Omg... That was one anger-filed post. Feeling much better. Thing is... Should I talk about it?

Sleep can't come any sooner

Fuck these emotions. I just want to go somewhere and shout these feelings that are pressing down so hard on me.

At this moment, I just want to let everything the fuck go. I am seriously thinking to myself right now. What. The. Fuck. Fucking. Waste. Of. My. Fucking. Time. "tell me how you feel", "if something upsets you tell me", "teach me how to care about you". Well fuck that.

You tell me you miss me? You've been away for a week, I helped you when you fucked up there and you are thinking about exercising. FUCK YOU.

I don't even know why I am so fucking upset. In fact writing all this out, make me feel so much fucking better.

Also, why the fuck am I bothering with this wedding. I don't even want to fucking do it. You want it. So why don't you fucking do everything. I'm not even the least bit interested, so why the hell am I so on the ball about it. Show your wife off? Please. Whatever the fuck for. I'm not interested in that. Plus, meeting all those people makes me feel fuck tired. So why even put myself through all that. Right now, I feel like the idiot. Pushed around by what EVERY fucking person around me wants. I laugh about it but on the inside, I'm just stabbing myself so hard.

Someone just save me.

Bad timing

When I feel like shit, I am always reminded that I need to find myself a 'person'.  But who? Who the hell out there can take all this shit running amok inside of me, not judge me for it, and not get seriously freaked out by it? It's been so many years and my husband has not been able to help me find the rest I need. It always seem like when he comes into the picture I am running away from it all, only to return to it all. So I just suck it up and deal.

I feel sad on my own, I feel lonely on my own, EVERYTHING is on my own. Except for the fun and awesome times.

Voice it out, yeah sure...it just feels like talking to a wall, air and all that.

Seriously, fuck that.

Timing is just never good enough.

where do I begin

So many tasks...where do I even begin. This post started somewhat like a brain dump, but the more I go over the thoughts in my head it just brings my mood down more and more. Also, it somehow makes me feel more and more alone.

The lack of anyone to fully pour out my anxiety and also empathise with can be quite crippling. Especially during this time of the month when I'm emotionally quite dependent. I downright hate feeling like this as it shows how dependent I can be on people. Also, it hampers my ability to do what I need to do as the emotion is rather overpowering. I get on with the work, but the quality is probably horrendous as I personally do not approve of it. The feelings that come with it as I write are also not the same when I knew what I was doing.

Looking for jobs sounded good. In light of recent events, there was a push for me to want to leave this workplace. Everything started coming in at once and now ALL the balls are in my court and I have no motivation to do anything about it. It's quite nice that I have avenues to go to, but at the same time, I am not feeling up to it. The logical side is just pushing me to find time to get it done but I don't have much push to want to see it through.

So what do I start with?

emotional, logical turmoil

So many conflicting emotions.

I say so many things but emotionally, it takes quite a bit of convincing...ok, maybe a lot. This frustrates me and makes me think I'm becoming someone that is quite bitter and jealous. I have not really been charting these moods to see if they coincide with the monthly visits. Although, I do get more irritable and have a very short fuse just before and in the early parts.

I try very much to be independent, wanting to be like those couples who are successful and strong together as well as apart. Right now, there's that can of worms to define what is "successful". Maybe something I need to see to know? I always say things like using this time when we are young to explore all sorts of things e.g. travel for work, work hard, travel more because when we are young that is when you have the energy to do so and it's the time to build up your career. Then when it really happens I feel neglected, tied down etc. which is like, make your mind the fuck up. What the hell do you want? Needless to say, this confuses Ben a whole lot. Totally mixed signals, cos the logical part of my mind is totally just 'eye-rolling' at my emotional part.

I like to help people but sometimes I feel taken advantage off, but am I? Or am I being unreasonable? Again, there's the monthly visit issue that clouds my self-assessment. After getting quite upset and judgmental, I almost always doubt my right to be. I mean we should not judge, none of us are perfect and I know that I am far from it. Also, the idea that I am more responsible, more sensible and overall a better person is where the emotions stem from and it is something that I need to curb. Not too sure if voicing it out and talking about it makes any difference because Ben does not seem to help settle these emotions. Maybe I have not found the right person to discuss this with or maybe I just cannot accept it. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to stop or resolve these feelings, because I might end up saying/doing something that I might regret. Wish someone could tell me/show me what to do.

some people just make you feel alone

I always have a lot of thoughts, a lot of things I want to say and I probably only voice a fraction of it. Whenever I do, I either find that it's not taken seriously or that you have your mind on something else as I say things. Which in the end makes me feel like saying the rest of it is or that I am such a bother.

It is almost as if we just spend happy times together or that times spent together are happy but the difficult times I or we just fight on our own. I don't know how or if I should ask for more? Seems like I am asking too much sometimes. After all, I don't really know what exactly it is that I want. Sometimes when you decide to help/make it better it doesn't come out the way I expect it to and in the end I would just rather not.

So keep at it on my own and find my solace elsewhere and hope for a better day or just say it?

Thinking

I should probably back to this blog to unload my feelings. Facebook is too much of an emotional burden. I feel bad after offloading there.

This place seems less burdensome. After all, close to no one comes here. I think.

Right now, I just want to escape and wash off today. Although it was an awesome dinner, coming home is a snap back to reality. Makes me wish for time to pass a little faster as I make that slow progress. A part of me wishes that I will never experience such pain/loneliness/uselessness anymore again, whilst the other part of me is telling me it will come knocking any time.

Fighting on our own

Together on paper, that's about it.

We spend our days fighting our own battles and in the evenings I immerse myself in dramas. To help me forget and wind down from the days happenings.

The days just repeat and some days I get by and some days I just don't feel OK. I laugh at myself wondering how long I'm going to last this way...will I be ok at the end of it?

Unreasonable?

When I meant sleep over I didn't literally mean just sleep over. Just disappointed.

I guess I should not have expected anything? But I did and tiredness just made me upset thinking about it. Then I  did not want to go over anymore and the ride to the office alone just got more appealing.

He's pissed and disappointed. I'm just disappointed and tired.