How much is too much?

We fight about a lot of things, or maybe it's just me?

Maybe I expected too much? Sometimes I think it's about my competitiveness where I just want to be having a better life than everyone else. Then in that case the joke's on me right ha. 

The problems are not unique, in fact very stereotypical. So would that mean my only choices are habituate or tolerate? I think for the most part of it I try but I mean, come on, some days it's just hard. Some days I can laugh it off, some days it's not a joke. Most of the time it's like a joke to you, no?

Maybe I'm just being overwhelmingly responsible. Like way too much and I just need to calm my tits. Am I? Do I? Is that it? Maybe I brought this on myself and I was just majorly stupid. Allowing this thing into my conscience. It was not my business and now it is. So what do I do now? What's the right thing to do? 

Change

Mid-year has arrived. 

Might possibly be a good time to look back on things so far. 

Many things have happened, some wins and some loses. Unfortunately, it appears that there have been more losses or what I perceive to be losses than wins. 

Marriage life has had some impact on me, I have moved to a new home for almost three months now and it has become a place, a refuge for me that I have come to feel comfortable in. At the same time, I have noticed changes in myself that have slowly but surely taken place. I am more short-tempered and snappy. Emotions run high and fast. I am less forgiving, hold grudges and less giving. At this moment, reflecting on this I honestly feel sad at what I have become. Something I must resolve to change.

Going back to work has not been easy with so many challenges to take on. Figuring out my place at work, what can I contribute and what is the plan from now. I came back to a team of people where despite having known each other prior to my PhD and continued to meet each other somewhat regularly I found I had to get to know again. The years and challenges at work had changed them, plus I had to transit from working on my own to working with other people again. Where I had four years to learn and develop something, I now had to adapt and pick up info fast as I was put on projects that were already in progress.  As that was happening, a change in management added another challenge: working for/with someone that was a complete opposite. The change had silver linings, the drive and motivation was high but yet interrelations were and are still stressful. I felt always on edge, that I was not meeting expectations and did not belong. A vicious cycle ensued, I became uncomfortable being uncomfortable, became afraid of everything, removed myself from risky things which in turn led to me feeling demoralised as I was not performing. The fear and worry paralysed my urge to try new things and so the cycle goes on. I became a person, I had consciously resolved not to become. Possibly, God has given me another chance. Doors have opened, probably as another chance for me to grow and I have decided that despite the fear and worry I shall consciously step into it. Ask for help. Let people help.  Learn from the help I am given.

Actually, the impetus for writing this post came about due to a recent happening. Desmond announced his resignation confirming my unsettled feelings. It's been a long friendship that began at this workplace and grew but will possibly die upon his leaving. We came in as equals and grew close, but it seems our different paths have led us to become very different people. Where we used to work well together, we no longer do. When we used to speak to each other a lot, we now don't. Taking the train together we now do in silence, with possibly nothing to talk about or want to talk about. At the wedding, he gave me a present which he thought of during his time in Denmark. We recently connected a bit with each other over orchids and a short trip at Ikea but that was just a passing moment. This announcement came in a way that I least expected despite all the things that have been happening and although I wished him well, the conversation ended quickly. Perhaps things should just take its natural course and we should just go back to being strangers like we were before coming here. 

If there's anything to remember this wedding by, is that I don't want to remember most of it.

I really cannot think of anything that has made me happy through this entire preparation period. It has been full of accommodating everyone's whims and fancies. Not forgetting inconveniencing a whole bunch of people and spending a shit load of money on things that I could have gotten for cheaper if done it my way.

Sure this wedding will be memorable, full of lessons learnt and reinforcing my need to get away. Better yet, out of this country.  

I feel absolutely suffocated by all these people around me and I just want to run away.

Not on the same page

This is probably a foretelling of what would happen if I stayed home. It's not just in my head, but I would go crazy. This craziness... Will really lead to horrible consequences.

This tiredness frustrates me. Is it me? Or normal? It makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough that's why I'm not busy. Business does not equate to a better worker, but this disparity is starting to bug me.

Sometimes, trying is just not good enough.

Failure is a failure.

These feelings

I don't know what the root of these feelings are. Logically, I have no reason to feel this way (I think) , but yet I do. It is because I don't understand why I feel this way that frustrates me.

I used to think that it is jealousy, but maybe it's because I feel I'm better? Or maybe it's just because people have different views? Maybe I'm also being too judgmental?

Is the key to solving this detaching myself from all of this?

Torn

When your family just tears you apart. Bit by bit, and there's no one to tell and no one who can help.

Some days you wish you have no feelings for this world or the people in it.

Some days you just want to run and run and run and run so that all your emotions are spent. And you have none left to spare for the things that are painful in life.

Some nights you want to close your eyes and for sleep to quickly take you away from this world. To a world where you can leave behind all this pain. To wake up with a new mind so that all these painful things seem so distant and less hurtful. That the challenges of the new day will crowd out the pain, so you are not alone with it.

Some nights it hurts so much you cannot sleep, you cry so hard. Thinking that if you cry this hard, your heart will hurt and ache less. You hope that crying will make your eyes so tired you'll fall asleep. But it doesn't work.

Some days you just want to take everything and just leave.

Or someone to just shoot you to end it all. Because at this moment, the pain is so much, that no matter how hard you cry it still hurts and aches inside. Because whatever you find joy in is always so near yet so far and you just want to stop running for it.

Maybe a short break? Maybe never again?

Dawn before the morning

A run

A good cry

One more time, let's get up and go

frustration never ends

What do I need to do to get it through to everyone that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! We're not even anywhere close to doing anything and I already hate it. What's more is that since the beginning there has been NO CONSOLATION whatsoever to doing any of it.

It all just feels like a giant waste of time and my mental well-being (which has probably wasted away quite some).

What do you do when you feel like you are not heard?

I really did not want to give a fuck no more, but then there came hope. But alas, it's the same thing all over again. I wonder if I have deal with this myself because someone cannot figure this shit out and it probably not being anything close to a priority.

There is just NO opportunity to talk about anything, so maybe I really just should fuck it all.

Some days

I wish that everyone could let me do what I want.

What was that?

Omg... That was one anger-filed post. Feeling much better. Thing is... Should I talk about it?

Sleep can't come any sooner

Fuck these emotions. I just want to go somewhere and shout these feelings that are pressing down so hard on me.

At this moment, I just want to let everything the fuck go. I am seriously thinking to myself right now. What. The. Fuck. Fucking. Waste. Of. My. Fucking. Time. "tell me how you feel", "if something upsets you tell me", "teach me how to care about you". Well fuck that.

You tell me you miss me? You've been away for a week, I helped you when you fucked up there and you are thinking about exercising. FUCK YOU.

I don't even know why I am so fucking upset. In fact writing all this out, make me feel so much fucking better.

Also, why the fuck am I bothering with this wedding. I don't even want to fucking do it. You want it. So why don't you fucking do everything. I'm not even the least bit interested, so why the hell am I so on the ball about it. Show your wife off? Please. Whatever the fuck for. I'm not interested in that. Plus, meeting all those people makes me feel fuck tired. So why even put myself through all that. Right now, I feel like the idiot. Pushed around by what EVERY fucking person around me wants. I laugh about it but on the inside, I'm just stabbing myself so hard.

Someone just save me.

Bad timing

When I feel like shit, I am always reminded that I need to find myself a 'person'.  But who? Who the hell out there can take all this shit running amok inside of me, not judge me for it, and not get seriously freaked out by it? It's been so many years and my husband has not been able to help me find the rest I need. It always seem like when he comes into the picture I am running away from it all, only to return to it all. So I just suck it up and deal.

I feel sad on my own, I feel lonely on my own, EVERYTHING is on my own. Except for the fun and awesome times.

Voice it out, yeah sure...it just feels like talking to a wall, air and all that.

Seriously, fuck that.

Timing is just never good enough.

where do I begin

So many tasks...where do I even begin. This post started somewhat like a brain dump, but the more I go over the thoughts in my head it just brings my mood down more and more. Also, it somehow makes me feel more and more alone.

The lack of anyone to fully pour out my anxiety and also empathise with can be quite crippling. Especially during this time of the month when I'm emotionally quite dependent. I downright hate feeling like this as it shows how dependent I can be on people. Also, it hampers my ability to do what I need to do as the emotion is rather overpowering. I get on with the work, but the quality is probably horrendous as I personally do not approve of it. The feelings that come with it as I write are also not the same when I knew what I was doing.

Looking for jobs sounded good. In light of recent events, there was a push for me to want to leave this workplace. Everything started coming in at once and now ALL the balls are in my court and I have no motivation to do anything about it. It's quite nice that I have avenues to go to, but at the same time, I am not feeling up to it. The logical side is just pushing me to find time to get it done but I don't have much push to want to see it through.

So what do I start with?

emotional, logical turmoil

So many conflicting emotions.

I say so many things but emotionally, it takes quite a bit of convincing...ok, maybe a lot. This frustrates me and makes me think I'm becoming someone that is quite bitter and jealous. I have not really been charting these moods to see if they coincide with the monthly visits. Although, I do get more irritable and have a very short fuse just before and in the early parts.

I try very much to be independent, wanting to be like those couples who are successful and strong together as well as apart. Right now, there's that can of worms to define what is "successful". Maybe something I need to see to know? I always say things like using this time when we are young to explore all sorts of things e.g. travel for work, work hard, travel more because when we are young that is when you have the energy to do so and it's the time to build up your career. Then when it really happens I feel neglected, tied down etc. which is like, make your mind the fuck up. What the hell do you want? Needless to say, this confuses Ben a whole lot. Totally mixed signals, cos the logical part of my mind is totally just 'eye-rolling' at my emotional part.

I like to help people but sometimes I feel taken advantage off, but am I? Or am I being unreasonable? Again, there's the monthly visit issue that clouds my self-assessment. After getting quite upset and judgmental, I almost always doubt my right to be. I mean we should not judge, none of us are perfect and I know that I am far from it. Also, the idea that I am more responsible, more sensible and overall a better person is where the emotions stem from and it is something that I need to curb. Not too sure if voicing it out and talking about it makes any difference because Ben does not seem to help settle these emotions. Maybe I have not found the right person to discuss this with or maybe I just cannot accept it. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to stop or resolve these feelings, because I might end up saying/doing something that I might regret. Wish someone could tell me/show me what to do.

some people just make you feel alone

I always have a lot of thoughts, a lot of things I want to say and I probably only voice a fraction of it. Whenever I do, I either find that it's not taken seriously or that you have your mind on something else as I say things. Which in the end makes me feel like saying the rest of it is or that I am such a bother.

It is almost as if we just spend happy times together or that times spent together are happy but the difficult times I or we just fight on our own. I don't know how or if I should ask for more? Seems like I am asking too much sometimes. After all, I don't really know what exactly it is that I want. Sometimes when you decide to help/make it better it doesn't come out the way I expect it to and in the end I would just rather not.

So keep at it on my own and find my solace elsewhere and hope for a better day or just say it?

Thinking

I should probably back to this blog to unload my feelings. Facebook is too much of an emotional burden. I feel bad after offloading there.

This place seems less burdensome. After all, close to no one comes here. I think.

Right now, I just want to escape and wash off today. Although it was an awesome dinner, coming home is a snap back to reality. Makes me wish for time to pass a little faster as I make that slow progress. A part of me wishes that I will never experience such pain/loneliness/uselessness anymore again, whilst the other part of me is telling me it will come knocking any time.

Fighting on our own

Together on paper, that's about it.

We spend our days fighting our own battles and in the evenings I immerse myself in dramas. To help me forget and wind down from the days happenings.

The days just repeat and some days I get by and some days I just don't feel OK. I laugh at myself wondering how long I'm going to last this way...will I be ok at the end of it?

Unreasonable?

When I meant sleep over I didn't literally mean just sleep over. Just disappointed.

I guess I should not have expected anything? But I did and tiredness just made me upset thinking about it. Then I  did not want to go over anymore and the ride to the office alone just got more appealing.

He's pissed and disappointed. I'm just disappointed and tired.

Sudden thoughts

No one likes to/enjoys doing things they're not good at. Right?

New things are scary but the feeling of being pushed to do things you don't like is probably something else.

Just wishing that there was more.

Sometimes I can't help but have some expectations.

Not such a good idea

Finally going on a holiday after quite a while, but for me it seems like the differences between people are way too much for me to handle.

Finding people to travel with is tough. I probably shouldn't have made such a leap of faith for a country I want so much to enjoy time in. Furthermore, it seems like the one person I hoped that would notice my unhappiness now and then just seems not to. Expecting too much? Or maybe just me being too self-centred?

At this juncture I just want to be alone and it seems like, I feel much better? Although I have bouts of sadness, but it seems like I can get through a lot more things. I'm a bit more focused, probably because I'm trying to avoid actually feeling how sad/upset I am. When night comes and I lie in bed with nothing to do, that's when I really think about all the things and what has been making me feel so upset.

Much of it is regret I think. Regret that I agreed to this, because I already had a bad feeling about this. Only because I thought that I should give it a chance. It was bad... And then it got better... And Now things are beyond me. The way things went, I could have easily done it all myself. Possibly, enjoyed it more too. Now, I look forward to so many things but yet my head is filled  (and I really mean filled) with this thing lurking in my head that I'm going to mess up and do something horrible.

honesty is overated

Some things should never be said

No matter who they are

No matter what they say

You tell me to act

I suppose I can learn, but it will be hard (I'll try my bestest)

You tell me to keep silent

I suppose I'll try my darndest

Nobody wants to hear how hurt you are, how frustrated you are, how stressed you are or why you disagree.

So just nod and put on a show.

A new year

A new year has rolled around and things at the office have been progressing well in my current experiment. Plus point being the new awesome intern which I possibly have become very biased towards. He is so different from the others I have had, possibly because he's so much like me in quite a number if ways. He just knows what I need and lifts a lot of my burdens allowing to take on the rest of my burdens whilst being so positive about it. He brings a lot of laughter to the lab as well seeing as he gels well with everyone :)  so it is nice.

I'm still battling my demons of self-doubt and constantly worried about my inadequacies. Especially since it's my last year of funding I'm quite pressured into making significant progress to finish up. I'm worried about things on my end and also my honours students. The latter is certainly a big unknown and has me considerably worried. I just dunno when or if I should jump in.

Wisdom, please. How do I become a better person also? I think I am quite a failure at being a nice person at home. I don't know why but I just find myself incapable of doing so. I don't know what triggers this irritability and quick firing in me which often sparks unhappiness.

Some days

I ended up working 6.5 days instead of 7. I don't mind it most days... But some days, it does get to you. Like now.

I wish I had a better way or outlet to express how upset I feel now but there isn't. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes I can just look pass it. But today's just not one of those.

On to more challenging times

I've finally been able to move on with my experiments but therein lies the constant fear that I have not done something right. This new component requires me to work 7 days a week. Some part of me just says you have no choice just take this challenge head on... But another part of me is dying a little inside. It wonders how things will turn out. Will I survive this well? How will the people around me take this? I haven't received any verbal encouragement. Something which I need because I have so much negativity inside of me now. My self esteem has taken a brutal beating over the pass three years. Although things seem to be going well-ish on the outside, I feel lost. Almost as if I am losing myself.

Plus, I think and process so many thoughts, some of which I have no conclusion or have no idea how to even begin voicing out. Does voicing it out do us any good? Will it make the situation better? Is there a good time to chat about it? Negativity with a low self esteem is not the best combination. I'm trying so many things, pills exercising, piano. I just want these thoughts to stop

What's happening

Is it your plan to destroy me? Or is this supposed to make me stronger?

Should I then just let you destroy me? Why should I fight it? Maybe it's just so that I can make myself feel better knowing I had put up a good fight?

Am I becoming stronger? Or am I just perpetually in denial, running away only to come back just as weak everytime?

Help me... I beg you... I plead with you. I'm overwhelmed with hopelessness and helplessness. Are you not a God of love and compassion? The one with plans for me to prosper and not for failure and disaster. The one who will give me wisdom if I ask as long as I believe in you. Seek and I will find.

The thing is... It's been so silent. Have I been doing all this wrong?

Nothing box

The one thing I wish I have now....a box where I step in and all my worries are blocked. Just for a little while . Like a firewall.

I suppose it would be rather addictive over time and soon I'd probably be living in it. These feelings of depression and devastation are just so self-consuming. I don't know if I'm being slowly destroyed or, to put it nicely, changed. Right now, all I can say is it's been rather brutal. If this is God's plan to better me, I honestly  do not know if I'm doing a good job of it.

What do I need to do? Or rather what do I need to do first? How do I make this journey more joyous? Do I need what I think I need?

Change my mindset? Perhaps I need to stop thinking that I'm stuck, and more of I'm making my way out.

Do I need someone with me? God never intended for man to be alone. But maybe it's not time. Maybe it is, and I'm just stubborn and listening to everyone's input.

Am I no looking hard enough for the joy?

What is it? Do I need to change but have not?

How do I begin

You're tired, I'm tired.

How do I even begin to tell you about my day.

How I feel so sad I feel like crying so hard.

How I feel so lost

How I feel like a failure

How it's just one of those days where no matter what you have done, things don't go right

How that makes you feel hopeless and wanting to cry

How having these feelings of dread makes you feel upset. Because, for all the blessings you've received, you just cannot feel happy.

Bad planning

I clearly did not think this experiment through properly. I don't know why. 😰

Firstly, I was pleasantly surprised that I could fit all my treatments into one run. So I thought, ha! This could go faster than I thought. Then on the day itself, I realised I had forgotten to factor enough controls... =. = fine... Just cut it down and then whilst setting I had a rude awakening. I had forgotten to add the nutrients. *facepalm* oh well... Too bad just set it all up.

Today, I remembered the nutrients. YES! Things should go well... And then... I had another realisation. I didn't add in a set without sediment to compare the feeding rates. I mean I could use the previous rounds but it's just better if you run it all together. So! Friday is another repeat. Oh the stupidity.

These feelings

What am I supposed to do with them?

A bit of anger, frustration and loneliness.

Who do I tell them to?

Just one of those days

Where you just want to sit down and have a good cry but nothing comes out.

A mixture of fear, frustration and helplessness all rolled into one.

The mind is blank, and you don't know what to think about. All you can feel is the above emotions and that there is no one physically around to lean on.

What do we do? Have a good sleep, and get up to face tomorrow.

Fear

Fear of what you will hear.

Fear that you will hear what you think of yourself out loud, from the people that matter to you

Sometimes

Sometimes I stay up, thinking that by doing so I can prolong a day.

Especially one that was so carefree and full of happy moments.

Then I realise I'm just screwing up the next day.

Oh life.

The first interior designer

It was a tiring day. It was just one of those days where you just want to get out and go somewhere else but if you left, everything else down the line would suffer. Besides, I had a few days I took off early, I guess I should just endure it through.

I cleared my backlog of chlorophyll in the morning at a comfortable pace. I was also glad that Kai Wei suggested we go for an early lunch. More specifically before the business update. Which would mean that I would not have to eat alone as I had already intended to skip it.

Went straight back to the lab and the setting up took rather long as the culture was declining. This made it much more difficult to find females. After everything was in, it was followed by the usual process of filtering. It was at this point that I suddenly had a energy crash. I started to just work on muscle memory. I managed to concentrate on cleaning the tanks but things started to go downhill from there, right at that moment when I dropped the plastic jug and saw that it had cracked. I was upset. I seem to be the one breaking all the things that had been around for a while. I decided to leave the lab momentarily as a breather and maybe ask around on my way out if there were new ones to replace it. If not, I'll just pop by and tell Jon about it, which did eventually happen.

Tired, I kept repeating the things I had to do in sequence.
1. Wash the carboy
2. Make asw
3. Bleach the machine
4. Flush the machine
5. Fill the machine with fsw
6. Prime the aperture

I had to rethink task 3 a few times. Do I drain the system first? Yes. No. Fill it back up. No... I should drain it and heat the diluent vessel with freshwater and bleach. Which I did, only to realise I should have put diluted bleach into the sampling glass to run counts with the aperture before all of that. Never mind, let's do it at the same time. I think it worked out fine, I just didn't  get to priming.

I left and met baby at clementi to head to beauty world to see the interior designer. The mood wasn't pleasant, I felt we were both tired and it wasn't the place we wanted to be going at that point in time. A big part of me felt like I had dug my own grave and jumped into it. Why did I think this would be exciting?

The meeting went well I guess. It was out first meeting with an ID and we didn't know what to expect. There were a few points of tension but we managed to rein it in. He didn't show us any pictures, which on hindsight is a good idea, so we don't get influenced. So it was just talking and a bit of drawing on the floor plan.

We went for dinner and then went our separate ways as we just wanted to head home to rest. It was such a relief to be apart, it just felt rather oppressive being together. It's times like this I just feel like going out to do something on my own, without having to tell anyone anything. Like watch a movie, go for a walk, take the bus somewhere, go out for a meal on my own.

I have this small vision that I will be happier.

Confusion

What do I want? Nowadays, my physical needs betray my emotional needs. I don't know what this means at all. I have, what seems like, this constant need to cry. Thing is, I don't know what for.

First quarter

Well this is long overdue, seeing as the first quarter is half a month over.

The first quarter of the year was an emotional rollercoaster . Like rollercoaster of death ups and downs. Only to be disappointed at the end of the ride that there was nothing to come out of it. The data had no trends and my TAC was a bit disappointed because like me, no one knew the reason behind the lack of a trend. Was it really like this? I wasn't too convinced and neither were they. The progress of my fieldwork analysis wasn't going too well also. Having to drop analysing my replicates to finish in time. It just wasn't ideal. The only comfort was that the copepod local cultures were doing well.

After much thought, and discussion it was hypothesised that the copepods might need to be sexed and a trial proved that females ate two times more. A little bit of (^o^) cos we might have found the cause... But also :-[ because everything needs to be repeated. I've come to terms with it. I'm not joyously doing it.. But I think there is a bit of joy as slowly go through everything again. Because I think there's a bit of hope that changing something that has proved to have a difference might make all the difference to the results I got.

I worry everyday that this bubble will disappear and I feel a bit guilty because that means I don't fully trust in God's hand in my life. But as I work on that I always feel thankful that it has been working out so far.

2016

2015 is now gone and a new year begins.

It was a tough year. Looking back on it, I can't even understand how I got through it. As I stepped into what is now last year, I already had my work cut out for me. The initial plan for my fieldwork was not working out I had to take action and change things up. Adding to that, my pillar of support was in a place 7 hours ahead of me. The loneliness was, at times, insurmountable. Lucky thing was... I got an amazing intern with enthusiasm that motivated me.

Things got better as he came back in March. Plus, the new sampling regime was working out, it being a million times more manageable than the previous. I managed to find the time to trial another experiment, which eventually would have its flaws and need major changes. Lara left in June and I had really lost a great worker.

Sampling stopped in the middle of the year and I found it more relaxing moving on to more lab-based experiments. Days started early and ended late. Occasionally even working on the weekends. However, it seemed more manageable working alone and less stressful. But soon enough issues started occurring which really just paralysed me. After thinking that I had already exhausted my ideas and ideas contributed by others I came to realise that all that was needed was. to refine the idea that I originally had.

The qualifying exam soon loomed and I had to face my fears retaking the exam that I had failed 6 months ago. Should I fail, I would be out of a PhD and would probably have some serious debts to pay. I was less confident than I was before but more careful. I still worried about it but I had shift my mind and prepare for the next component which was my presentation.

I struggled, I think for the first time, on how to present my work. It was so difficult to present all of it well. I just did not know what was enough, until I decided to make some daring cuts. Thankfully, it pushed the presentation in the right direction and I eventually passed. Many people said it was good and a call to celebrate, but I wasn't convinced that it was good. Maybe just alright. One good thing for me was that I was also able to visualise my time line. The time line I had to make just because of this presentation. But me being me, didn't quite believe it.

I probably should celebrate after this significant milestone. But I dove back into work trying to grab every ounce of time I could to do something. I often feel guilty about resting for too long. I ploughed on and soon received the good news that I would be receiving new interns soon. I got to know them and trained them. There were mistakes made but I tried not to be too hung up on them. I made it a point to treat them how I would want to be treated if I made a mistake. Mistakes really bug me and make me feel down when I make them so I did not want them to feel that way too. I try to explain things and get them to understand what I'm doing. To try to feel some sense of purpose even though this is a short stint and probably something they would forget after a while.

I don't know how the new year will be. Probably gonna be tough if not tougher than this year. I just hope I don't disappoint and find the drive I need.

Sometimes

There are times you just want to be alone. But there are just so many people around that they just press on you making you want to explode.

What's happening?

I don't know what's gotten into me. Seems likely I haven't quite gotten over the loss. Adamant on finding something as good, but frustrated that I can't get something like that back.

No time

Not even for sadness and tears.

Too bad.

Just got to move on.

What else can you do? Don't cry over spilt milk. If only how I feel now could comprehend this logic.

I just think too many things were going well for too long.

Eclipsed

“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun, you are.”

- Grey's Anatomy

Maybe I need to change how I portray myself

Not entirely

There are times I really wish we were already in that phase and times I feel quite lucky we aren't.

Maybe I would feel different about it if I  were already in it. After all, you made a commitment so you just have to find ways to work it out. But I keep finding out new things, things that are not necessarily good. Things that I don't know if I could live with. Some of which, I feel could be my fault. In my haste to be tolerable and understanding, I think I have most probably let too many things slide. Things that make me unhappy. Very unhappy.

This bled over from this new outlook I took on in life. This outlook was supposed to prevent unhappiness in the people around me from occurring. Essentially keep the peace, not to be too opinionated, grumble etc. But small things accumulate and have repercussions over time too.

And now, I just don't know what's the most constructive way to deal with this.

only myself to blame

I let you convince me that you will help me.

Never again will I trust you on this. It's always you, what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Well just fuck that. All your sorrys are just full of crap and I have so much pent up unhappiness that I have nowhere, no one to tell and say to.

What is this?

I don't know what this is supposed to be. A trial by fire or just something which it's sole aim is to break me?

I seriously don't know whether to cry or to smile when people ask me how I am. Does smiling and saying everything's ok make things better? Maybe somehow convince me that things will get better? Whatever it is, I guess crying is just too much for anyone to take.

Overwhelmed

There are so many things I want to do for myself
1. Get my experiments done because if not I basically will never finish my PhD
2. Write my review paper, because no has done it yet. If it gets done, it could ger cited a lot, and unpublished work is not research
3. Spend time with my boyfriend just  because I need someone to go to to recharge and also to lean on when things get hard
4. Practice piano because it's a hobby they I enjoy doing
5. Catch up on my serials from time to time because it's something passive that I do to relax and get away from all the thinking I need to do all the time.
6. Exercise, this really is taking a back seat much to my dislike because I really feel that it's important to my wellbeing
7. Sleep, because if I don't, I fall sick and everything goes to shit

Some of these things can be done together to save the need to further split my time between them. Also, they don't all have to be done in the same day because things like spending time with my boyfriend don't happen everyday due to conflicting schedules sometimes.

Sleep: 6-7 hours
Experiments: 4 hours
Review paper: 3.5 hours
Eating: 3 hours during which, now and then, I squeeze in an episode of whatever it is I am watching
Travelling: 2.5 hours
Piano: 1 hour maybe

Seems pretty ok... But so many things happen in between. Like how productivity drops so things just take longer to get done. Or more like during the number of stipulated hours almost nothing gets done or there are distractions. Not forgetting things like having to attend class, other outside activities like teaching, going to church and Bible study.

Am I making this out to be a bigger problem than its supposed to be? Maybe I need to adhere to a timetable for this to work out properly so I don't fall flat on my face and suffer more...Maybe I'm just not doing things right?

So much for that

So much for speaking my mind. Everything I asked for almost always goes out the window.

Have a date night.... Didn't last.

Split dinner equally between the two places.... Nope. I still have dinner more often at his place, I have to ask to come over to my place and then get refused.

Wash up at my house because that's what I do at his place.... Nope. I do it all.

He wanted to spend time.. Sure... But all he did was play a game and WhatsApp a friend almost the whole night. Look, I have nothing against your friend, but firstly I'm tired so if you're going to this now; please just go home. This is no different to talking on the phone. At least if I'm alone, I can do what I want and I can go to sleep without bothering about anything else.

Sometimes if I don't ask for him to come over, my house is like a stopover to wait around for the next thing or a place to leave the car.

And another one

Now I have to prepare for my oral QE. I thought it was just a presentation but apparently I have to write up a 10-15 page document to convince the panel that I can do this.

So that's what the written QE is for? So that I can write another one later for my own project? Needless to say I am not taking this well. Myself being unconvinced about what I have done and plan to do, I have to convince these people that I can finish this. I don't feel at ease. Everyone said that the last round was easy and I failed... This time people say it's easy too.

I truly feel alone and I'm afraid I am slipping into depression. Perhaps it stems from the utter disorganisation resulting from the fact that everything is half done? Nothing is completed. Which is not how I usually function. And I thought I can deal with that since something isn't working out /is going to take some time to get prepped let's get something else done? But it just makes me feel worse when things don't work out.

I also don't feel that there's anyone I can talk to. Talking just leads to the same things said and it's not that I don't know them I just cannot emotionally resolve it. This is what I think cannot be solved by other people? Really?

Dream

I had a dream and it was a good one. I don't remember the details very clearly but it made me happy to see it happen.

Thinking back on it now just makes me feel somewhat sad though. Who knows if it will even happen?

Depression?

My happy pill is gone. I never thought that she affected my mood so much. It's a sort of quiet emptiness that I feel. That makes my heart jump for joy just that little bit when I hear her voice, see her call or receive her messages.

Is the mood enhancer working? I have no idea. Maybe the root lies in my lack of sleep. Maybe I need to be better organised? Two unfinished projects is one too many which really throws me off. I know that life is like that, you run into failures; life's not always smooth flowing. But knowing this does not help me. I need to get out of this rut of being obsessed with being afraid to fail, afraid to make a fool of myself trying etc. Which logically I know..but emotional wise I'm just dumb at trying to get over.

I don't want to carry on like this, I might fall into depression (maybe I already am). I want to be strong, persevere and get through it all.

I want to be happy

Do I really need it? A mood enhancer? I do feel down, a lot more than I used to and it makes me upset that I feel this way.

I really want to feel happy about what I do. I want people to feel excited about what I do and feel that what I study matters but I just don't think I can get my head around this.

Maybe it's the need to have some successes. Because it's been too many failures so far.

Another one gone

So we didn't get the flat again. It was our third try, and I must say that at least this time I had a good feeling about this flat. Almost everything about it was good; the location, price and size. The only thing was that we didn't know why the previous owner moved out or had to move out. Almost somewhat like our dream home?

But recently, I've been having second thoughts with the recent happenings. At first I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't even know he hurt my feelings. However after saying that I was still unhappy, he managed to pick out what could have been causing my unhappiness. Maybe I should have said it? Instead of waiting for him to pick up on it. Maybe I should have been more obvious about my discontent but instead I appear happy. After that, the apology seemed rather insincere. Somewhat playful.

Maybe I wasn't trusting enough? Maybe it was my constant dismissing that I probably wouldn't get it that made it turn out this way? Or there's something about the place that isn't right for us?

Beyond me

I had been awake since 5am and at 9pm you fall asleep. I really believe that there is a possibility you are more tired than me given that I can take breaks in between and you can't. But the thing that made me really upset/annoyed/disrespected/pissed off was that not only did you fall asleep, you made yourself comfortable before that. Put a pillow and lie down on it at the table. Most people would try not to, simply as a sign of respect, but I guess you didn't see much of a need to. I tried to ignore it but, for obvious reasons such as snoring, it was so difficult not to.

I just don't know what to think right now.

So what? It's OK.

So now everyone's happy, except me. But it's OK, because it's not important.

Then again, when is it ever important what I feel or need. As long as everyone around me is happy. After all, whatever is important is for me or to me is probably not that important after all.

My 2 cents on the issue

So the issue of raising children well came up. I will not say that I have experience in doing any of it... But I count myself lucky in having been raised well, so I at least know or have a benchmark for it. At the same time, I also know what to expect in return for the methods used. The worry or concern is definitely not unwarranted but some things are just excuses.

"I'm not him/her. How can I be that." like I said, it is the one excuse that would stop anyone from doing anything. Who in the world would say that I am you? Of course you're not him. If that were ever a good enough excuse for anything we would all not do anything, because essentially I definitely am not "you".

Frankly some of the most essential things is knowing what a child who is well brought up in like and of course being able to support the child in his or her development. If you know what a well raised child is like, and I don't just mean things not committing crimes, then at least you would know what you're aiming for your child to be like. These can come in the form of either values or the personality. Some examples could be being respectful toward elders, caring, concerned about others, having an inquisitive mind, quick to learn (and the list goes on...) but of course our expectations cannot stray away from reality and continue to be moulded by the reality that we face. For example, if you expect your child to be good at a particular activity and he isn't he may be good at something else. There will be things that you cannot compromise on such as breaking the law.

Another issue would be having the means to support your child. Money isn't everything but you definitely need it. Will you be able to support his interests e.g. Painting, sports etc. And support is development e.g. Childcare and enrichment activities. If you don't have the means to, do you have other areas of support you can draw from e.g. Parents or in laws. You would also need to decide what are essential and what are accessories and factor that in.

If you're unwilling to sacrifice your way of life now for the changes that are to come with a child then I, personally, would just tell you straight not to have any. As anyone will tell you, having children comes with making sacrifices and if you still don't believe the many people who tell you this and that the sacrifices are worth it then you either need to rethink this again at another time or just give up the idea.

Having kids is not for everyone just like how everyone leads life differently. So, if you suit a life without any, then why not? Just as long as careful consideration was put into making the final decision and you live without regrets.

Personally I have been raised well and so has my partner. In a place like Singapore, my worry is just providing and whether I can be the disciplinarian in the face of (what most people say) the cute face that is my child. Discernment comes with experience and I will say, God's guidance, in raising a godly child in this world. Plus, I also think that the upbringing of myself and my partner has given us a head start.

What am I supposed to think?

I don't know whether to be upset, angry or to cry.

I'm just so angry.

No apology nothing, because it's OK that I'm in trouble. After all, you don't have to deal with it. Just make her laugh, a few jokes here and there will do the trick.

Not only that, you dare to say you're tired? You did not even give two shits about what I have to do tomorrow morning at all. It was just let's have fun after all, leave now or later there's no difference.

Nothing, I got nothing in return.

I'm sorry, we just don't match up. We live in two different world's...and it's not happening again. Ever. Unless there's an airplane involved.

Holiday?

I'm tired....this holiday just didn't feel like a holiday. Again.

Waking up early... Lack of sleep....nonstop eating. All not what I have in mind as a holiday that I need. Plus, the endless mockery was just not needed.

The last thing I need is going home so late. After all these years I thought there would be some obvious difficulty in that. I try not to be the one who disrupts the party but I have my limits. What do I get? Maybe I was mocked? Or I was just upset and interpreted the tone that way.

I don't want to make the group upset so it did make me uncomfortable to say it but I expected something in return as well. The things is also, everyone is tired so I don't understand why we want to stay out so late. Because of the jam? I'm sorry, I just can't do it. Even if it means the same timing whether I was telling the truth or not.

I don't know how to process my thoughts right now. Should I have handled it otherwise? Or better?

Fear

I now know the feeling of fearing for your life.

I do not recall anything that has made me doubt myself, my capabilities and intellect this much. I stepped in the room with nervousness, but still having some remnant hope that I could still handle things based on my knowledge and experience. 

When the exam started, things already felt different. I short-listed two possible questions that I could do. You would think that this is good, because the last time I only had one. The difference this time was that I was only half confident of writing up both questions unlike the last time where I was fairly comfortable doing that one question. I took time to fully consider the question and even took time to write some pointers on the requirements for the question. 

After all of that, I proceeded to do question 13 on establishing MPAs since I was not comfortable writing about socio-economics in the other question, which was a major component. I started writing the introduction to ease myself into things, constantly referring to the question so that I would not stray and write up all the things spelt out in the question. Some parts really were not easy, especially since I could not recall a lot of common terms such as 'multi-variate analysis' and I also could not recall what an LIT entails. I just could not recall whether it only involved ID-ing or coral cover or both. So I scratched the idea and just put transects. The question also stated to choose three 'somethings' to from a list of variables that we were supposed to list down from biological, ecological, genetic and environmental categories mentioned in the question that would be important in considering potential candidate sites. I had questioned myself on whether the three were from the variables I had to list or were they the three categories from the four categories mentioned in the question. I remember that that based on the 'something' that was used in the question I deduced that it would be choosing three variables from what I had to list, since that was the last mentioned subject. Now I am not so sure since I cannot recall the exact wording. If I was wrong, I would have misread the question and everything would not be valid, and probably considered to not have met the criteria of the question. Lastly, I was supposed to come up with a way to assess the 'best sites'. I thought I could use an index to do this, then when I got to writing it I realised I did not have a very clear idea of how I would score this thing. So that might also bring me down since I felt that my writing was so muddling and I might just piss the examiner off but the confusion. But, what else to do, I had not other ideas on hand. I managed to squeeze in a small paragraph on significance which score me some points...or not since it was just two short paragraphs totalling to half a page.

Perhaps I was dumb to talk about it. I've never done coral surveys, nor have I read much on criteria on choosing MPA sites. What I know is based on simple surveys and I am not even sure they are suitable for fulfilling this objective. Talking about it, just brought up things that I had not written about. Knowing that the question was set to help me pass, was just burdensome. It has brought confidence a new low and now I doubt my capabilities even more. People always say when you're at the bottom the only way is up, but I am constantly finding new lows to hit. 

I'm here pouring out my grievances, as usual. Because, no one knows the depth of fear I am feeling now. Passing remarks of  'you'll be ok', 'you'll pass' and 'what's done is done, you can't do anything about it' just doesn't help. Strange thing is, the people close to me and who are acquaintances just tell me the same things. I'm not comfortable pouring out all the details of my worries to people I'm not close with so I just briefly mention some things to make it seem that I am ok. But with people I am close with, I don't even get a chance to get there. Those same remarks just get repeated again and again. So where do I go from here? Maybe this is something that I'm supposed to handle on my own since I can't find a person to unload my worries to. How I handle this would probably determine if I survive well through all this or if I end up crashing and burning. 

Things is, my track record of handling these things has never been great. 

down, down we go

I'm falling apart and the only thing I can do is to just keep doing things. Sometimes I can think it through, most of the time I cannot.

I'm in a state of panic and I don't know what to do. Do I tell someone, ask someone? What should I be able to do myself and not have to bother people with? Or am I in such a panicked state that I cannot see that I can solve all this on my own.

I need/want to let it all out, but I don't know where/ to who.

I need someone to tell me what to do, how to overcome this.

Time and time again

Another period of unhappiness solved by me saying "sorry"

No matter what my opinion is, I don't feel it's worth it to discuss or talk about anything. The responses are too predictable and disheartening. If you want to feel you're in the right ok. I'll give that to you. But as I repress all this, I cannot help but think that it will happen again. Then, once again, I will be standing there listening to the same things because it is the same things that will annoy me and get me into this situation.

I wish things were more transparent, because you always feel we should know exactly what you want to do but the instructions given are often so vague. But you strongly feel that you've done fine so, never mind.

You always insist that you have said thing's, written things, informed etc. But you always don't want to face up to the truth of what you really said. You see it as my urge to fight/quarrel with you. I don't want to fight /quarrel. There is enough of that going around, but then you will never know this because I will never tell you. I have more or less given up on reasoning or discussing anything.

Until next time.

Lost

What should I do now? Is it right to continue this way?

Should I give in? again? Is it what I should do?

Should I seek help? Where? Who? But it's not my secret to tell. Right?

The future

I do not know what God had planned for this relationship of ours. All I know is this, despite how sometimes your ways and habits get on my nerves, I have never found someone better than you. You love me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Give me so much even though I give you so little.

I pray that, even though you have yet to know him, God will give speak to you and give you wisdom to make the decisions you need to make when the time comes. Also, I pray that whatever the outcome, I will be able to accept it and that some day we will both hold hands with God, walking into our future. A future, right now, I wish we will be walking together into.

Screwed over

The day started with trepidation. Worrying about what had happened to my samples in my absence and what will happen to them with my handling.

The nutrients were added and the silicate disappeared unlike the last time. Which is good, and the pH did not rise much. High tide was not too late so the samples were sent back to the lab on time. I even had time to process two more samples from my backlog from the previous trial - only 8 more to go  T.T

Then shit started, one you said you can send me back...then you said you cannot. Fine... Then the person with the car just sends a message and doesn't reply. At least just tell me you might not be able to make it. Then, I have no idea what happened but we could have been on time, instead we ended up late. Not just late, grossly late. I am trying hard to give the benefit of the doubt here.

What. The. Hell.

I just want to be left alone for a while. To be free of other people's actions defining what I do next.

Sadness

With no expectation there will be no disappointment

Lost of interest

I'm unhappy. I don't have a word to describe it. 'Boring' is an a understatement. Taking each other for granted? I really don't know what's happening. Do you even feel that there's something amiss?

This isn't the first time this is happening. We've both been busy, me even longer, and it's been the cause of the inability of us to have some time to ourselves, take a holiday and all that jazz. So yeah, I thought I'd be more understanding during this time and let it pass, but today was just disappointing.

I've been wanting to go to places and you've been tired, so fine we spend it indoors to get rested. But the minute someone else wants to go, you just go. No excuses.

I just don't know what to say. Maybe I really just need to spend time alone or just away from you with someone else. So that everything doesn't have to revolve around you.

Time of need

I've been feeling this sense of helplessness for a very long time. These feelings of yours are probably similar to a certain degree. I, for one, do not know how to make you feel better because I'm not even there yet. You are not the person I need and I do not know if you know whether I am the person you need.

I always thought that you were all I need, but through all this time I realised it was not so. Speaking to you about my problems, trials etc. I had no feeling of a burden shared. Which, personally, I felt quite  emotionally confused about.

Perhaps it's me not having the right outlook when you dish out advice or words of encouragement and comfort. Instead, it was an unlikely person that was able to help me feel better. He is going through similar experience emotionally, but it would be unfair to compare this as we have no control over the  experiences that just come to us out of circumstance. But it was because I found someone who, like me, is learning to draw strength from a higher being. God, where we can lay our troubles down at his feet. Cry out to him, for comfort, guidance or just to seek refuge from the chaos. Phrases such as 加油 and 'you can do it' have this element of me doing everything on my own strength, which right now I lack. Someone who understands that and can walk together with me as I depend on God is something important now.

If you cannot carry me, how can I ask you to. And if I can't carry me, I don't think I can carry you. Instead we need God, which right now, you are not interested to allow in.

Frustration

I don't know if it's because it's the time of the month but the lack of commitment is just pissing me off real easily.

I wanted to go to BTNR you say it's wet, fine. I asked last month if we can go see hobbiton, you said after the school holidays. Fine, it's been three weeks since the school holidays are over. All you want to do is stay in and sleep. It's fine, some relaxation and company is good but seriously? ALL THE TIME? I said I wanted to watch the hobbit on my own you wanted to come over and watch with me. Fine. You said you'll come after church, which became after lunch and then it was let me nap for a while. After which I already knew it wasn't going to happen. So I'll just watch it on my own. Which was what I wanted to do originally, I'm just irked that you said you wanted to come and watch it... Only to just decide not to.

I mean come on. I'd rather do this stuff on my own. At least, I'll get to do it.

Another gripe I have is how we always have these serious conversations over WhatsApp and when we meet there's nothing said or the conversation is as short as anything. Why?

Just pure frustration. Maybe all this is just coming up because I cannot go out and eat normally yet, so I'm beginning to nitpick.

A pity

It only seems like a short while since he's been back but with this operation, it has made these five days long.

We haven't spent much time together... And it is a bit of a disappointment that I am still home alone.

Hopefully by Monday I can eat more things and life wouldn't taste so bad... Ugh. The sweet taste is just starting to get gross.

I don't understand

What is this supposed to mean?

Is this my fault? That I overestimated myself or underestimated this exam?

Is this some sort of punishment? For not  spending more time practicing? For doubting?

The pain is just unbearable. Just when I think that things can't get any worse they do. So it seems ANYTHING I do... Things can only get worse. So any little bit of 'up' can suffice . Is that the point? So that I am so low that I'll take whatever small benefit I get?

Or have I been having it too good?

I just did the unthinkable. I don't know if I should be crying, because I want to. On one hand, I want to cry so hard that I can't  breathe because I think I might feel better. On the other, I just feel I feel so empty.

And I have no one to tell this to.

CNY day 2

Who needs horrible relatives when you have parents who absolutely hate each other. I don't even know if hate is the right word, more of how each others very existence and aura just pushes all the wrong buttons.

One just stews in his righteous juices while the other constantly points out the bad things within earshot of the other.

The perfect example of tit-for-tat.

Sometimes it's just better to be apart than to be a part of each others lives.

New day

Yesterday was just horrendous.

At the moment I saw the police cars my heart just sank, my mind panicked. An alternative route calmed me down but when the one ray of hope that I had turned out to be nothing more than what I saw on jalan bahar, I didn't know to be angry or to cry. I told myself I still had some time before 24 hours was up, plus there was also the possibility of everything being done by 2 pm.

Hours passed and I just say there helpless as the clock approached 5pm. In those few hours, I understood what it was to be angry at God. Why wasn't he fighting for me? Was it something that I did? Do I need to change things? It also didn't help when my only human source of comfort never failed to disappoint with words that some of the friends I have would say on my Facebook as a two - liner.

I am tired and the urge to give up during these lows is high. I feel like I am fighting a loosing battle.

Tell me. Please.

Are you there?

Are you fighting for me?

Am I not fighting hard enough?

Person

In the words of Meredith Grey: "I need a person who's in it with me"

I need someone who will let me rant my concerns, understand why I'm so crappy at dealing with these kinds of situations. Someone I can cry to and be comforted.

I don't need chastising remarks. Most of all from you. I don't think I have ever said anything with such a tone to you or maybe you're just better than me.

I need a person and you're just not it.

Indifference

There seems to be no solution to broken human relations. At least from a non-professional angle for broken human relations that is just a tangled web of lies, hate, pain and anger.

There is no room for any remote goodness. The land of reconciliation is an island that just does not exist to the human eye.  So we keep sailing, aimlessly, in this sea of lies, hate, pain and anger where there are occasional upwellings, storms and tsunamis.

It takes two hands to clap, so if one party has done wrong, they can safely say that the other has done likewise. As to whether the crime/wrong is in equal weight is another matter altogether. Not that I believe in weighing it out. Our pride is just so much bigger than our ability to be the bigger person to take the first step to giving way. Sometimes the relationship has become so full of anger and frustration that we can no longer continue in doing the right thing. I will never forget what my sister said to me the other day, to paraphrase

"I always treat people the same no matter how they treat me because at least I know that I have not done wrong to the other person"

I have this extreme urge or need to find a way to fix this but maybe there isn't a way? Perhaps the crucial factor is the people involved who just cannot say sorry to each other.

Would indifference make life easier? Probably. Would indifference make the life of those around me easier? Probably not.

So what do I do? What can I do?

Aching heart

An aching heart.

Holding hands

Hugs

Cuddles

A kiss

Small little moments

Moments that I want and need

Where are we now?

I do not know how to describe how I feel right now. Maybe quite similar to what happened that day just at a much lower intensity.

I do not think that it is the need to prove myself right but more of that I was very disappointed and having a hard time forgiving and letting it go.

I guess in all these nine years I have come to know that comforting words are not what I would get when I pour out the problems I face. Who would I go to then?  To pour out my worries, get a good cry, a hug and all that that I want so much?

Maybe all this is supposed to make me stronger?

What I know right now is that I feel distressed, all alone and just lost. So, maybe I don't have the right person to go through a crisis/difficult time with? In the words of Meredith Grey, I don't have a person.

What's the point

It's like talking to a wall. Nothing I say seems to get any kind of comfort at all. I'm stressed, worried and tired. And all I get are :( and I'm going to sleep. Wow, tanks!

I fully understand that we are five freaking hours apart but it's like no question about how I'm doing or what happened today. I have to tell you and then oh, wow, surprise :( or :). Fuck this shit la. I think my colleagues give me better support than you do. Even people who are seven hours away bother to ask.

So, you know what? Since its such a disservice to myself I might as well just cut it off.

Speechless

There are many kinds of people in the world and amongst that there are people I just have no respect at all for. I don't expect much from them but they just never fail to surprise you.

I don't even know whether to laugh or to cry.

Sometimes I try hard to push myself to reach their version of satisfactory. Thinking, hey, this is probably a motivation to get out of my comfort zone. But at times like this I realise, they're just fucked up.

Tough

I am exhausted and a wreck right now.

I don't know what to think of myself.

Maybe I'm just really bad at everything I do. I don't know what kind of a person I am.

I feel all alone in everything and anything I do. Or maybe I'm so bad at it that I need to depend on someone. Or maybe I'm just really bad at asking for help. Maybe it's everything.

Waste of space.

NZ exodus

There's like a mass holiday exodus to New Zealand or something.

It's like mocking me and my current situation.

No one

There's no one there.

No one to talk to.

No one to listen.

Help will come.

Just thinking

How long can I go on like this?

Is a PhD just about endurance?

Just sitting

I Just sitting by myself, as I passively watch a show, my ever worrisome mind starts to take over.

I worry about Thursday, hoping I won't forget to arrange anything. Noting it down helps to a certain extent. I have:

1. Booked the vehicle
2. Informed the lab of the change of date
3. Checked the plankton net is available
4. I've got sufficient help

Now all I have to do is:

1. Pack my bottles
2. Check the charge on the SEBA
3. Print out my COC
4. Get the licor
5. Get the bottles from the lab
6. Prepare my zooplankton bottles
7. Pack the accessories
8. Prepare the mesh
9. Pack the plankton net
10. Pack a niskin
11. Prepare the lugol bottles and labels

My samples to be analysed is overwhelming now but I know it will be fine in good time. I'm trying not to worry about it because God has taken such good care of me so far and I know that he will continue to.

Nothing

I'm starting to think I have to do this on my own. I have to recharge on my own and motivate myself on my own.

Unfortunately, I think my friends are better at this than you.

Indifference?

I feel lost in this relationship right now.

Not too sure what I am feeling right now.

Do I miss you? I guess?

Talking to you has become rather shallow. I just feel like I'm not being heard, understood at all. I don't feel encouraged, motivated or comforted by you at all.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Oblivious

I'm in my moods again and so this ongoing issue has never bothered me as much as I feel it now.

I just have to know, what exactly it is you think you are doing? Do you actually think that you are solving the problem or just sitting on it? I know things can be overwhelming and we need a time out but you have to agree that10 plus years is some time out.

You do not seem to think that your actions affect anyone around here and for whatever man pride you have you seem to feel the need to assert your authority by being stubborn in every way. Or perhaps it's just you getting senile as you age?

You hardly do what you say, which probably reflects how it is you have dragged us into this situation that we are ALL in right now. You say you will return it, right now I think I'll just let you have it. There are so many times when I wanted so hard to believe that there is a reason behind all this, but time and time again you just give me more and more reason  not to believe.

I wish that there is someone who can drag you out of that place where you have chosen to isolate yourself. That place where you seem to have no idea about the repercussions your actions have. I have thought of so many possibilities in my head. Should I just tell everyone about you when they ask? Maybe shaming you would jolt you, so that you can see that we're not ganging up on you. Should I talk to a counsellor? A professional might have a good solution. Frankly sometimes I think I need one. Maybe this situation has been so prolonged because I have not been praying hard enough? After all, only God can change a man's heart.

At the end of the day, I just hope that you won't regret the father you have been. Because, I really think that you think that you have been awesome.

Just STOP!

STOP asking about the deer park

STOP asking about the fucking lego store

STOP asking about fast food

STOP fucking whining

Never. Again.

Note to self, these are NOT people I want to travel with. Ever.

Being lost and alone has never felt so relieving

I can be nice.

I try to make everyone happy, by planning something for everyone. So during the trip, I would like to make sure that everyone gets to do at least one thing that they enjoy doing or particularly want to do. I don't believe in the majority wins concept. Also, the schedule (which I believe no one has looked at) is flexible.

When we don't manage to go to where you want, it's perfectly fine for you to get upset and you know, constantly hint you want to go there.

It's also fine for you to constantly show your displeasure toward things. Be it to the people you are travelling with or the citizens of the country we are in.

It's also fine If you decide to continue making it unpleasant.

I just don't know how long I can be nice for. You can be sure that I will not put myself in this position ever again, if I can help it.

Even if it's family.

Thankful

It's not often that I write a happy-ish post, but here goes.

I was privileged to have been part of the first discussion panel during dean's tea. Focusing on the different paths that we as seniors took as an inspiration/guidance to the undergraduate SPS community.

After going through the panel, I have once again be renewed in seeing the amazing grace that God has blessed me with in so many parts of my life. Opportunities that I got, that I would not have been able to clinch on my own. At the same time, I also wanted to help these juniors to be able to receive such amazing things. I perhaps do regret not revealing the divine curator of my life, but also pray that they will find opportunities uniquely for them.

Sometimes I really think God purposely puts these small events into my life to recharge me and keep me on track. I am immensely grateful for his patience as I have found out how I weak I can be in the face of adversity and fear. So my hope for myself is that I will grow stronger and bring glory to his name.

Too close for comfort

Another thing to add to the list of things NOT to do together, dinner. I'm trying the best I can to do what I need to be doing. To avoid the endless scuffle of who to wash up after dinner, I have just been washing up after dinner most of the time without even asking. I really thought I could take it but you know, whenever I ask it's still me, most of the time. So I'm just feeling annoyed... Frustrated and maybe very disappointed.

I just don't know where to say all this.

What's now?

The week just is not going well. I'm just feeling lost and anxious. Lost because things are not working out very well and anxious because time is passing so fast and my plans have been pushed back one too many times already. This one thing has been taking up so much of my time I have been unable to divide my attention elsewhere except in between attempts. Even then I continuously feel the need to rethink the decisions that I make during the 'in between' time.

What do I do now? What can I do now? What should I do now? Sometimes I feel like crying, other times I just think it's pointless. Exasperating, demoralising and tiring.

Distance

Knowing that you are so far away, I can't help but feel sad

Trying

It's not as clear as it used to be. There are days I don't know why we are together and there are those where I thoroughly enjoy your company. There are things that I used to enjoy doing together but not anymore now. The difference is although there are days where I just feel so tired of being together, at least there are days when I feel encouraged that this is right, but the activities that I used to enjoy doing together is decreasing with no new ones in recent years.

These emotions of being so tired of this relationship seem to come at regular intervals, which make me think that they might just be my mind running away with my at-the-moment-unstable emotions. I just cannot figure it out. I also wonder if I feel so tired because I am wishing so hard for you to become something that I can neither force nor have control of happening. The initial interest must have given me rather high hopes so the current lack of interest is  disheartening. There have been so many times where I heard great things and I wished you were there with me, but you just were just elsewhere. I would never want to force you to listen to or be somewhere you have no interest in being, but I just feel that there is this important part of my life that you are not a part of (and I would like you to be). I can share but I wish that you felt the same way about it as I do. Perhaps I'm just not doing a good enough job at fostering these emotions in you.

I also wonder if I have come to think less of myself in this relationship. I should not see myself this way and instead know that God loves me and he would never want me to look down on myself. However, these bad thoughts do creep in now and then.

This is not to say that nothing has come of this relationship. I feel so happy for you because you enjoy life so much and it's great to have seen and been a part of the life of someone so motivated and as clear headed as you. Someone who is so giving and selfless toward the people around him. I would say that I probably have far to go and that knowing you has spurred me to be a better person.

But I am so confused now. I just feel like we are going nowhere. Marriage is something that I cannot say with conviction that I will agree to, instead I hesitate and struggle to give an answer. Shouldn't I be sure by now? It's been so long. It's not that I do not see you as a good partner. I do, but I just can't see me being your other half. Which also saddens me, because I feel so afraid. Afraid that I have fallen out of love. Fallen out of love with you.

How much more?

It was just one thing and that was all it took to tear us all apart.

I don't even know where to start. Everything is just so messy I don't want to go near it, hear any of it or get involved in it. I just do not believe that anything I do can bring you two together to do anything. It's a task that only God can do. I've tried and I believe most of us have but it's just something beyond any of our capabilities.

Money
Hearing about the parents of my friends sometimes I respond saying things like 'my parents/mum/dad is the same....'. I just think why are things so different. It's just the money I guess. It made all the difference. It made things move from tolerable to intolerable no matter what it is and no amount of explanation can make either party see reason. All good intentions get overlooked and nothing shows but the bad.

Is it enough?
Since I can't fix you both I do what I can with other things. I admit I'm not always on top of my things but I can say that I am most of the time. But after today, I just hit a whole new level of shock. You not only feel that no one has helped you, you feel that the help you received amounts to a rather insignificant amount.
I don't know what else to do. Do I shift my priorities? Stretch myself to do more things? Delete some things from my life? What do I have to say? Do I take a side?

Does this all end? Will it end in their lifetime? There were so many good years and now it seems so insignificant. Thinking about them makes me feel like it's from another life.

left behind

Making this move, makes me feel like I am leaving you behind.

What's happening

Like the title says, what's happening? I like that we have our own space to do what we want by ourselves, but it just seems like it's what we do all the time now. Do you notice?

I don't know how to say it, or if I should even mention it. Sometimes I don't even know if you hear me when I say things or notice anything. Sounds rather self centred but I just don't know what to think. Sometimes when I say something and it interrupted, you just ignore me and you just respond to them. It's fine if you sort out things with the other person or for whatever reason and get back to me...But what's not OK is just forgetting about it. I just don't bother to repeat myself anymore.

I'm not perfect and I am probably more critical of myself than I should be. Mocking my incapabilities or mistakes just makes me feel worse about myself. You asked me questions about how you make me feel about my self esteem and I honestly told you that you have made it worse. Maybe you don't even remember that that's how you make me feel. Maybe I'm just being a tad too sensitive about these things but it's not been just once that I feel this way

I just don't know what to think. Maybe I just need to grow more of an ego.

famliarity breeds contempt

If there is any group of people that have come to hate the most in my life, it's my family. Investing my time and emotions in this group of people is truly exemplary of the law of diminishing returns.

It is no safe haven. Instead this place, inhabited by the above mentioned group of people, is where both doing something and not doing anything can both land you in the same amount of trouble. In addition, neither good track records nor additional effort put in would save you from any unfortunate events/situations that may befall you. When you're in it, you're in as deep as the next person who did nothing at all. And all the same, you have to crawl, beg, grovel etc. to get yourself out of the deep and back on ground level where you, once again, build your track record - which in the end, will still amount to nothing in the future. As an added bonus you might even find out that past transgressions are still remembered and can surface any time during "discussions".

I frankly do not know how much longer I can take this, then again it's what I've been saying for such a long time and I am still here writing about situations such as this. I feel so frustrated that there is no way out of this situation. Seeing as it requires the combined effort of all parties involved, much of the outcome is not within my control which adds to the frustration. I also do have my off days, which when chanced upon has a high chance of resulting in me being "in trouble". Day can suddenly turn into night, but not vice versa.

Where do I go from here, but to continue on this vicious cycle.

Thankful

Since the beginning of the year, I've started to learn again. Learning to say no to the things I've been comfortable doing day in day out, letting go of things that I've come to mind in the pass three years at this job and moving on to, what seems to me now, to be a rather scary time in life.

Everyday is a constant fight to try to relax in the midst of what, right now, is the biggest step of my life. I never dreamt that I would try to reach this far, but I choose to believe that God has brought me here for a reason(s). I'm not sure what it is he wants me to learn from this, but so far, he has given me a great amount of blessings with it all. People who are so willing to help me, always giving me ideas and offering to help me even before I've started.

As I look ahead at what I have planned, fear wells up inside me as doing things alone on such a scale just constantly makes me wonder how I am going to do it all. I know I can, it's just finding the best possible way to do it and who can I ask for help. Then there's also the thought of whether what I have planned is up to standard/enough for where I am at now. I have this constant need in me to prove myself to people, that I am as capable as anyone (sometimes a particular someone) - basically to show that I have earned the right to be where I am now.

Unnecessary pressure? Possibly? Or maybe not. I sometimes tell myself that there is an untapped potential in me that can only be seen/or is usually revealed only in certain circumstances, which is why there are people who believe so much in my capability (or it could just be biasness? Or words to encourage me?). Sometimes, I tell myself that I am a person that can grow despite the pressure. That although I make mistakes, I will not let my past bother me and instead grow from them. A combination of the former and latter would be the best combination I guess but as to what kind if composition I have of both I really don't know. Frankly, self-esteem really takes a beating the face of mistakes or hiccups so I really don't know how well I am growing under the pressure of everything in my life. Maybe when I get in the motion of things I'll be fine. I just cannot recall how I faced similar difficulties in the past. Maybe it's a way to get me to look ahead instead of back.

I am afraid/unsure of so many things, even about who I am and what I am capable of. I just wish some things in life would stay the same. I don't think I can handle anything else or bother to focus on anything else other than my PhD now. Although things like getting married (just an example, since it's the time and age where it's just happening all around me) and all sound really nice but I can't help thinking of the possibility of me screwing it all up (or rather the bad things that could happen, ha, pessimistic much?). I don't think I am up to it now or have it in me to say I can overcome it. Maybe when it finally happens, it would not be as bad as I thought it is.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think we will never agree to disagree.

You don't understand why I do what I do when I make an effort try to understand why you do what I do. I'm brought up a certain way, which you think is ridiculous and sometimes I really take offence at. You just think your way is the way. So in some ways you're just like her. Which honestly speaking, I cannot stand.

I ask you to respect something I request and you make it seem like it's funny/ok that you can't help it. I wonder if you even bother to make an effort or even give a rat's ass about what I said. Or maybe I'm just not being firm enough, which might be what I should do next or what I should have done from the start.

Where do I go from here?

Your selflessness is what really moves me and pushes me to be better. But your disrespect of my wishes and needs upsets me time and time again. No matter how many times I explain it, repeat it, you feel that I am being unfair to you.

It hurts me that you would say that.

Thinking back, it is through my own fault that you feel entitled to what actually is not rightfully yours and also my fault that I am incapable of convincing you that what we are doing is wrong.

This is not the only thing though, sometimes I regret agreeing with the thoughts you put in my head. It creates dislike and disrespect toward the people that are close to me. I say things and do things that are not what I would normally do.

This situation is somewhat familiar, almost like Eve blaming the serpent for her wrongdoings.

I never thought I would turn out like this. Maybe I'm the devil, causing others to sin, creating temptation while I blame others for not respecting what I want when I contradict myself.

How pretentious. I pretend to be trying to change and doing the right thing while I tempt others into break the rules and blame them for bringing me into it.

What do I do now? Draw the line and run far from it? Or just end it?

Is a relationship with a Christian man really so different? Would I then be able to  experience what God always intended for me to be treated like in a relationship?

tired

After all that has happened, I thought I would be more excited at life. Instead, I feel frustrated and helpless at the lack of improvement. To top it all off, I'm just loosing steam and drive. 

After taking the biggest plunge of my life, there's not been any sign of it picking up and I feel like I've reached a dead end. Plus, I seem rather content to try hold on to status quo whilst I can. Logically-speaking, I should do something, but I'm afraid to do something and quite comfortable albeit rather guilty of not trying. Little things get me down, I can't play the same part of a song for the pass few weeks. Progress is snail-paced, which really frustrates me also. I used to learn fast and enjoy it, but now, because of the lack of progress I don't enjoy it. It frustrates me because I don't know why I just can't learn it. I also make new habits out of new mistakes adding to the frustration I feel. After which I decide, the frustration is just not worth it and come back another time, where the cycle just repeats itself. 

Resting does not even feel like resting. Instead, I wake up just as tired as when I slept. As a result, I have the memory of a goldfish, I can't remember things I saw only seconds or minutes ago. It stresses my mind to force myself to remember things. 

So afraid I will forget, so afraid I will fail and so afraid that I would look stupid.

So I guess, it's all just fear. 

A lot of fear.