Nothing to talk about

broken

Broken, is how this family is and how I feel. A crack everyone tries to ignore but at the same time is is the cause of so much unhappiness in each and everyone of us. Yet we don't know this.

I understand, but you don't seem to.

you hurt me so much, but you'll never know.

because you don't understand.

I feel unfairly treated, why? Because it's obvious. You say you know, but I guess you have "a thousand and one things to do", I understand.

I understand, I understand, I UNDERSTAND! Do you understand me? Do you even try, do you even bother? No one even bothers to listen to me or hear me out.

I help, I help, I HELP! DOES ANYONE HELP ME?

You withdraw into your shell and go into defensive mode (i.e. I can earn money, very independent blah blah). That's all you'll ever see in me, because that's what you tell everybody. To you it's embarrassing to say your daughter is good.


I always try to understand, but you don't seem to.

you hurt me so much, but you'll never know.

because you don't understand.

I am done, I don't have anything more.

ROAR!

I just have to put this down somewhere.

OMG no money, no money, no money...IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT!!

It never fails to come up, "I want more money", "why do the 'ang mohs' get so much money?", "why keep bringing in 'ang mohs'?" and hearing this all over again just irritates the hell out of me.

Firstly, for some of us, it's our first job. How much the hell were you expecting? Stop looking at other people and seeing what their earning. There is so much more to it than the money. Sure, it downright sucks that other people are earning more than me but personally, I would not become a teacher for $200 more and get stuck there (no offense...). So someone's got $4000 but he's got a first class and works for the government, two things that explain, what seems to you, an exorbitant amount. If you're that hard up go join them, just take your crap elsewhere.

On to the 'ang mohs', why do they get so much money?  An obvious thing would be that some of them are PhD holders, thus they get more. Secondly, they came from another country and if the company needs them so much you gotta give them an incentive to come here right? Hence, the expat package. Why do their wives/gfs/husbands/family relations get to work here? Well if they ask for it when they come here, it's probably something the company decides they want to do for them to bring them here and some of them get paid quite a bit because they're PhD holders too. Why keep bringing in expats? Well, I don't think many people in the Singapore would want to work in this industry.

I don't have anything to say about issues that obviously discriminate us local people but I do think that sometimes we don't really think about the stuff we complain about and it's just noise that no one but yourself needs to hear about. IF you think elsewhere treats you better, GO THERE, but I'm willing to bet there's something you're going be unhappy with. If you're like this here, I don't see how different you'll be over there.

This is not aimed at anyone in particular, it's just somethings that I've been thinking about as I hear people. You might not agree, but I'm willing to hear anything constructive. Especially if something I've said seems shallow.

The end of another year and things I need to remember and do

The year's drawing to a close and since I'm all alone with nothing to occupy my mind (or procrastinating...)I decided to think about what is going to be 'last year' in a few years.

I've made many leaps and bounds this year. I did my honours, graduated and found my first job without much difficulty and delay after school. Another year together with the most wonderful man and, I hope, have grown closer in my walk with God.

There were also bad times, times I look back on and regret my actions. Leading to many questions about myself and what I'm turning into.

1)Incidences where that bit of self-confidence I taught myself to have in place for my low self esteem had turned into a somewhat snobbish and stubborn nature, unwilling to listen to others. I constantly remind myself not to be this way and hope there is some effect to it.

2)Work has also brought it's own set of demons, with gossiping and complaining being some of the more prominent things I have to to keep in mind not to be a part of. To just listen and not process and not let it affect my work attitude. Another thing about work, and I don't know if other first-time job holders also have this, is the pressure I put on myself to perform. I often think and possibly over-analyse that someone might get the better end of the deal or someone might outperform me. I just want so much to be...I don't know...favoured???  I'm told that I'm doing well, but somehow I'm not convinced. I think I'm just so stressed out I don't even see it. The minute I start getting confident I start to worry if what I'm doing is right, which leads to me doubting myself and when I doubt something could go wrong. When something does go wrong, I think I'm not good at my job and the rest just possibly goes to hell.

I don't know how to stop this manifestation of thoughts and no matter how I explain it, he can't comfort me enough.

3) Publishing. I NEED TO GET STARTED. Seeing the amt of work I have to put in just shuts me off. I've become rather lazy indeed. I do not like that, but I think every human has this inertia in them when it comes to some forms of work. The thing is when you get started it's a lot easier, but the issue is how to get started. Ea is just high. I really need to get it started.

It's short but it is a horrible mess to sort out.

The importance of first thoughts

Be too nice and you get stepped on, try to be a bit meaner and you're a bitch, judgmental etc. (depending on the situation).

Think a little further and some people appreciate it whereas some people think you cause more trouble, inconsiderate, lazy stubborn etc. (basically all the horrible things that never crossed your mind when you had good intentions).

I get that we cannot make everyone happy, but there seems to be a trend that has been occurring. I always regret not accepting the first thoughts or actions that pop into my head. I think a bit more about it and then all the stuff goes to crap. People think you're lazy, inconsiderate and whatnot. These thoughts used to be what I always act on, but lately not. I don't know what happened.

Maybe I'm just downright a horrible person.

Repressed feelings?

Help?

Confidence

Confidence. Something so simple, yet so hard to earn.

For me, I either have too much or too little of it. Why? I don't know. Even for things I do so often.

Thinking too much? Probably, but then I get careless. Not thinking it through enough? Leads to hesitation, doubt and worrying.

All this yoyo-ing is just getting to me, making me wonder why I cannot be a better 'me'. Why can't I be the better person I envisioned myself to be. Instead, I'm constantly watching someone else who has or seems to have 'everything'. Why did I turn out like...this. I think I'm waiting or maybe a little desperate, for a sympathy vote and have been hinting at it, but as usual I'm not getting any. Neither my family nor even the person I depend on the most have come close to anything like it. I wonder why, am I not deserving of one or maybe they're just not wired that way. I find it difficult to cry it out despite going through these monthly phases of self-condescension. Most of the time I just dismiss it as a time where my emotions are just getting to me and going on overdrive, thus affecting my brain. Now, I'm thinking they could be sort of a 'this is the reality of you' kind of note-to-self that I don't see outside this monthly phase.

Your work at hand? Is this your way to break me? Maybe to get me talking, relying more on you as I keep saying?

Pray.

Small minds

Working life is an onslaught of things more than just work. Small minds at work, plant seeds that are like a slow poison infiltrating and influencing your mind. You don't even know it until you look back on all things you said and thought and wonder why you not only went along with it, but participated in all of it.

I strongly believe there is no ill intention behind it all, it is the action that breeds unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Just being aware of this is not near enough, you need to catch yourself before you jump into it all, because once you do, you will not stop until you reach the bottom (which is where you run of things to complain and/or gossip and /or lament etc. about). Never in my life would I have thought that it would be so hard to shut these people out and that they would be able to influence so much of my attitude towards work related issues. Such thoughts neither produce anything constructive nor productive and as such people of such a nature never end up being more than where those thoughts bring them to be, unhappy and dissatisfied.

This post was and will never be aimed at anyone in particular, but to serve as a reminder to myself  just how the beginnings of some things can make or break a person.

Look and think beyond the surface because 'garbage floats on the surface'.

And just like that...the day has passed.

It was supposed to be great...but instead it was just as it usually is.

It's difficult to understand. The mind gets it but not the heart.