Sunday, April 15, 2018

Dawn before the morning

A run

A good cry

One more time, let's get up and go

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

frustration never ends

What do I need to do to get it through to everyone that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! We're not even anywhere close to doing anything and I already hate it. What's more is that since the beginning there has been NO CONSOLATION whatsoever to doing any of it.

It all just feels like a giant waste of time and my mental well-being (which has probably wasted away quite some).

What do you do when you feel like you are not heard?

I really did not want to give a fuck no more, but then there came hope. But alas, it's the same thing all over again. I wonder if I have deal with this myself because someone cannot figure this shit out and it probably not being anything close to a priority.

There is just NO opportunity to talk about anything, so maybe I really just should fuck it all.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Some days

I wish that everyone could let me do what I want.

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

What was that?

Omg... That was one anger-filed post. Feeling much better. Thing is... Should I talk about it?

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Sleep can't come any sooner

Fuck these emotions. I just want to go somewhere and shout these feelings that are pressing down so hard on me.

At this moment, I just want to let everything the fuck go. I am seriously thinking to myself right now. What. The. Fuck. Fucking. Waste. Of. My. Fucking. Time. "tell me how you feel", "if something upsets you tell me", "teach me how to care about you". Well fuck that.

You tell me you miss me? You've been away for a week, I helped you when you fucked up there and you are thinking about exercising. FUCK YOU.

I don't even know why I am so fucking upset. In fact writing all this out, make me feel so much fucking better.

Also, why the fuck am I bothering with this wedding. I don't even want to fucking do it. You want it. So why don't you fucking do everything. I'm not even the least bit interested, so why the hell am I so on the ball about it. Show your wife off? Please. Whatever the fuck for. I'm not interested in that. Plus, meeting all those people makes me feel fuck tired. So why even put myself through all that. Right now, I feel like the idiot. Pushed around by what EVERY fucking person around me wants. I laugh about it but on the inside, I'm just stabbing myself so hard.

Someone just save me.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Bad timing

When I feel like shit, I am always reminded that I need to find myself a 'person'.  But who? Who the hell out there can take all this shit running amok inside of me, not judge me for it, and not get seriously freaked out by it? It's been so many years and my husband has not been able to help me find the rest I need. It always seem like when he comes into the picture I am running away from it all, only to return to it all. So I just suck it up and deal.

I feel sad on my own, I feel lonely on my own, EVERYTHING is on my own. Except for the fun and awesome times.

Voice it out, yeah just feels like talking to a wall, air and all that.

Seriously, fuck that.

Timing is just never good enough.

Wednesday, February 07, 2018

where do I begin

So many tasks...where do I even begin. This post started somewhat like a brain dump, but the more I go over the thoughts in my head it just brings my mood down more and more. Also, it somehow makes me feel more and more alone.

The lack of anyone to fully pour out my anxiety and also empathise with can be quite crippling. Especially during this time of the month when I'm emotionally quite dependent. I downright hate feeling like this as it shows how dependent I can be on people. Also, it hampers my ability to do what I need to do as the emotion is rather overpowering. I get on with the work, but the quality is probably horrendous as I personally do not approve of it. The feelings that come with it as I write are also not the same when I knew what I was doing.

Looking for jobs sounded good. In light of recent events, there was a push for me to want to leave this workplace. Everything started coming in at once and now ALL the balls are in my court and I have no motivation to do anything about it. It's quite nice that I have avenues to go to, but at the same time, I am not feeling up to it. The logical side is just pushing me to find time to get it done but I don't have much push to want to see it through.

So what do I start with?