Wednesday, June 27, 2018

These feelings

I don't know what the root of these feelings are. Logically, I have no reason to feel this way (I think) , but yet I do. It is because I don't understand why I feel this way that frustrates me.

I used to think that it is jealousy, but maybe it's because I feel I'm better? Or maybe it's just because people have different views? Maybe I'm also being too judgmental?

Is the key to solving this detaching myself from all of this?

Sunday, May 06, 2018


When your family just tears you apart. Bit by bit, and there's no one to tell and no one who can help.

Some days you wish you have no feelings for this world or the people in it.

Some days you just want to run and run and run and run so that all your emotions are spent. And you have none left to spare for the things that are painful in life.

Some nights you want to close your eyes and for sleep to quickly take you away from this world. To a world where you can leave behind all this pain. To wake up with a new mind so that all these painful things seem so distant and less hurtful. That the challenges of the new day will crowd out the pain, so you are not alone with it.

Some nights it hurts so much you cannot sleep, you cry so hard. Thinking that if you cry this hard, your heart will hurt and ache less. You hope that crying will make your eyes so tired you'll fall asleep. But it doesn't work.

Some days you just want to take everything and just leave.

Or someone to just shoot you to end it all. Because at this moment, the pain is so much, that no matter how hard you cry it still hurts and aches inside. Because whatever you find joy in is always so near yet so far and you just want to stop running for it.

Maybe a short break? Maybe never again?

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Dawn before the morning

A run

A good cry

One more time, let's get up and go

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

frustration never ends

What do I need to do to get it through to everyone that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! We're not even anywhere close to doing anything and I already hate it. What's more is that since the beginning there has been NO CONSOLATION whatsoever to doing any of it.

It all just feels like a giant waste of time and my mental well-being (which has probably wasted away quite some).

What do you do when you feel like you are not heard?

I really did not want to give a fuck no more, but then there came hope. But alas, it's the same thing all over again. I wonder if I have deal with this myself because someone cannot figure this shit out and it probably not being anything close to a priority.

There is just NO opportunity to talk about anything, so maybe I really just should fuck it all.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Some days

I wish that everyone could let me do what I want.

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

What was that?

Omg... That was one anger-filed post. Feeling much better. Thing is... Should I talk about it?

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Sleep can't come any sooner

Fuck these emotions. I just want to go somewhere and shout these feelings that are pressing down so hard on me.

At this moment, I just want to let everything the fuck go. I am seriously thinking to myself right now. What. The. Fuck. Fucking. Waste. Of. My. Fucking. Time. "tell me how you feel", "if something upsets you tell me", "teach me how to care about you". Well fuck that.

You tell me you miss me? You've been away for a week, I helped you when you fucked up there and you are thinking about exercising. FUCK YOU.

I don't even know why I am so fucking upset. In fact writing all this out, make me feel so much fucking better.

Also, why the fuck am I bothering with this wedding. I don't even want to fucking do it. You want it. So why don't you fucking do everything. I'm not even the least bit interested, so why the hell am I so on the ball about it. Show your wife off? Please. Whatever the fuck for. I'm not interested in that. Plus, meeting all those people makes me feel fuck tired. So why even put myself through all that. Right now, I feel like the idiot. Pushed around by what EVERY fucking person around me wants. I laugh about it but on the inside, I'm just stabbing myself so hard.

Someone just save me.