Wednesday, February 07, 2018

where do I begin

So many tasks...where do I even begin. This post started somewhat like a brain dump, but the more I go over the thoughts in my head it just brings my mood down more and more. Also, it somehow makes me feel more and more alone.

The lack of anyone to fully pour out my anxiety and also empathise with can be quite crippling. Especially during this time of the month when I'm emotionally quite dependent. I downright hate feeling like this as it shows how dependent I can be on people. Also, it hampers my ability to do what I need to do as the emotion is rather overpowering. I get on with the work, but the quality is probably horrendous as I personally do not approve of it. The feelings that come with it as I write are also not the same when I knew what I was doing.

Looking for jobs sounded good. In light of recent events, there was a push for me to want to leave this workplace. Everything started coming in at once and now ALL the balls are in my court and I have no motivation to do anything about it. It's quite nice that I have avenues to go to, but at the same time, I am not feeling up to it. The logical side is just pushing me to find time to get it done but I don't have much push to want to see it through.

So what do I start with?

Monday, December 18, 2017

emotional, logical turmoil

So many conflicting emotions.

I say so many things but emotionally, it takes quite a bit of convincing...ok, maybe a lot. This frustrates me and makes me think I'm becoming someone that is quite bitter and jealous. I have not really been charting these moods to see if they coincide with the monthly visits. Although, I do get more irritable and have a very short fuse just before and in the early parts.

I try very much to be independent, wanting to be like those couples who are successful and strong together as well as apart. Right now, there's that can of worms to define what is "successful". Maybe something I need to see to know? I always say things like using this time when we are young to explore all sorts of things e.g. travel for work, work hard, travel more because when we are young that is when you have the energy to do so and it's the time to build up your career. Then when it really happens I feel neglected, tied down etc. which is like, make your mind the fuck up. What the hell do you want? Needless to say, this confuses Ben a whole lot. Totally mixed signals, cos the logical part of my mind is totally just 'eye-rolling' at my emotional part.

I like to help people but sometimes I feel taken advantage off, but am I? Or am I being unreasonable? Again, there's the monthly visit issue that clouds my self-assessment. After getting quite upset and judgmental, I almost always doubt my right to be. I mean we should not judge, none of us are perfect and I know that I am far from it. Also, the idea that I am more responsible, more sensible and overall a better person is where the emotions stem from and it is something that I need to curb. Not too sure if voicing it out and talking about it makes any difference because Ben does not seem to help settle these emotions. Maybe I have not found the right person to discuss this with or maybe I just cannot accept it. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to stop or resolve these feelings, because I might end up saying/doing something that I might regret. Wish someone could tell me/show me what to do.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

some people just make you feel alone

I always have a lot of thoughts, a lot of things I want to say and I probably only voice a fraction of it. Whenever I do, I either find that it's not taken seriously or that you have your mind on something else as I say things. Which in the end makes me feel like saying the rest of it is or that I am such a bother.

It is almost as if we just spend happy times together or that times spent together are happy but the difficult times I or we just fight on our own. I don't know how or if I should ask for more? Seems like I am asking too much sometimes. After all, I don't really know what exactly it is that I want. Sometimes when you decide to help/make it better it doesn't come out the way I expect it to and in the end I would just rather not.

So keep at it on my own and find my solace elsewhere and hope for a better day or just say it?

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Thinking

I should probably back to this blog to unload my feelings. Facebook is too much of an emotional burden. I feel bad after offloading there.

This place seems less burdensome. After all, close to no one comes here. I think.

Right now, I just want to escape and wash off today. Although it was an awesome dinner, coming home is a snap back to reality. Makes me wish for time to pass a little faster as I make that slow progress. A part of me wishes that I will never experience such pain/loneliness/uselessness anymore again, whilst the other part of me is telling me it will come knocking any time.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Fighting on our own

Together on paper, that's about it.

We spend our days fighting our own battles and in the evenings I immerse myself in dramas. To help me forget and wind down from the days happenings.

The days just repeat and some days I get by and some days I just don't feel OK. I laugh at myself wondering how long I'm going to last this way...will I be ok at the end of it?

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Unreasonable?

When I meant sleep over I didn't literally mean just sleep over. Just disappointed.

I guess I should not have expected anything? But I did and tiredness just made me upset thinking about it. Then I  did not want to go over anymore and the ride to the office alone just got more appealing.

He's pissed and disappointed. I'm just disappointed and tired.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Sudden thoughts

No one likes to/enjoys doing things they're not good at. Right?

New things are scary but the feeling of being pushed to do things you don't like is probably something else.

Just wishing that there was more.

Sometimes I can't help but have some expectations.