Thursday, December 27, 2018

Not on the same page

This is probably a foretelling of what would happen if I stayed home. It's not just in my head, but I would go crazy. This craziness... Will really lead to horrible consequences.

This tiredness frustrates me. Is it me? Or normal? It makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough that's why I'm not busy. Business does not equate to a better worker, but this disparity is starting to bug me.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

Sometimes, trying is just not good enough.

Failure is a failure.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

These feelings

I don't know what the root of these feelings are. Logically, I have no reason to feel this way (I think) , but yet I do. It is because I don't understand why I feel this way that frustrates me.

I used to think that it is jealousy, but maybe it's because I feel I'm better? Or maybe it's just because people have different views? Maybe I'm also being too judgmental?

Is the key to solving this detaching myself from all of this?

Sunday, May 06, 2018

Torn

When your family just tears you apart. Bit by bit, and there's no one to tell and no one who can help.

Some days you wish you have no feelings for this world or the people in it.

Some days you just want to run and run and run and run so that all your emotions are spent. And you have none left to spare for the things that are painful in life.

Some nights you want to close your eyes and for sleep to quickly take you away from this world. To a world where you can leave behind all this pain. To wake up with a new mind so that all these painful things seem so distant and less hurtful. That the challenges of the new day will crowd out the pain, so you are not alone with it.

Some nights it hurts so much you cannot sleep, you cry so hard. Thinking that if you cry this hard, your heart will hurt and ache less. You hope that crying will make your eyes so tired you'll fall asleep. But it doesn't work.

Some days you just want to take everything and just leave.

Or someone to just shoot you to end it all. Because at this moment, the pain is so much, that no matter how hard you cry it still hurts and aches inside. Because whatever you find joy in is always so near yet so far and you just want to stop running for it.

Maybe a short break? Maybe never again?

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Dawn before the morning

A run

A good cry

One more time, let's get up and go

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

frustration never ends

What do I need to do to get it through to everyone that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! We're not even anywhere close to doing anything and I already hate it. What's more is that since the beginning there has been NO CONSOLATION whatsoever to doing any of it.

It all just feels like a giant waste of time and my mental well-being (which has probably wasted away quite some).

What do you do when you feel like you are not heard?

I really did not want to give a fuck no more, but then there came hope. But alas, it's the same thing all over again. I wonder if I have deal with this myself because someone cannot figure this shit out and it probably not being anything close to a priority.

There is just NO opportunity to talk about anything, so maybe I really just should fuck it all.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Some days

I wish that everyone could let me do what I want.