Bad timing

When I feel like shit, I am always reminded that I need to find myself a 'person'.  But who? Who the hell out there can take all this shit running amok inside of me, not judge me for it, and not get seriously freaked out by it? It's been so many years and my husband has not been able to help me find the rest I need. It always seem like when he comes into the picture I am running away from it all, only to return to it all. So I just suck it up and deal.

I feel sad on my own, I feel lonely on my own, EVERYTHING is on my own. Except for the fun and awesome times.

Voice it out, yeah sure...it just feels like talking to a wall, air and all that.

Seriously, fuck that.

Timing is just never good enough.

where do I begin

So many tasks...where do I even begin. This post started somewhat like a brain dump, but the more I go over the thoughts in my head it just brings my mood down more and more. Also, it somehow makes me feel more and more alone.

The lack of anyone to fully pour out my anxiety and also empathise with can be quite crippling. Especially during this time of the month when I'm emotionally quite dependent. I downright hate feeling like this as it shows how dependent I can be on people. Also, it hampers my ability to do what I need to do as the emotion is rather overpowering. I get on with the work, but the quality is probably horrendous as I personally do not approve of it. The feelings that come with it as I write are also not the same when I knew what I was doing.

Looking for jobs sounded good. In light of recent events, there was a push for me to want to leave this workplace. Everything started coming in at once and now ALL the balls are in my court and I have no motivation to do anything about it. It's quite nice that I have avenues to go to, but at the same time, I am not feeling up to it. The logical side is just pushing me to find time to get it done but I don't have much push to want to see it through.

So what do I start with?