Pain comes in all forms; the small tinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains we live with everyday. Then there’s the kind of pain you can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out anything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it. And for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it. Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope that the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets to you when you least expect it. It’s way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain. You just have to fight through because the truth is you can’t out run it. And life always make more.

- Grey's Anatomy "Bring the Pain"

I am going to make an effort to like watch grey's anatomy...cos...i don't know...it IS the medical world and I like it. And yes, I like the getting excited over the 'the-gorier-surgery-the-better-it-is' thing...

anyways, I am somewhat peeved right now...if not for the fact that I am financially reliant, wanting to keep things together and that i can't cook very well, right this moment, i really feel like up and leaving.

Firstly, I mean what kind of person comes home and doesn't even FUCKING border to hang up clothes that have been sitting in the stinking washing machine for half a day?!?? Instead you not only walk pass it...but you actually opened it, with the intention of throwing your dirty socks into it, saw it was full of wet clothes and dumped your dirty socks in the laundry basket instead. It wouldn't take up like a frikkin hour to hang it up!!!

Secondly, so there wasn't anyone home early enough to cook the rice (i knew i couldn't rely anyone to do it, when I was rushing off to church from home after coming back from work), you decide to go out and eat. Fine, although i don't see the point of doing that when rice could like cook in 40mins, you don't even bother to 'da-bao' anything back for kor kor and I to eat at all when we were like OBVIOUSLY coming home late. Just to describe how obvious, they actually called to ask.

I mean seriously, I am doing more if not a lot more than an average person my age should, ndering how I should spend every dollar...having to stretch like $10 a week in JC. Paying practically EVERYTHING through own bank, until it almost dried up and I shouldn't have to pay my way through _______ school. I mean it's supposed to have been planned out...wasn't it? Having to pay for things that aren't mine? I mean okay, it's supposed to be family...but what about me?

am I even appreciated?

There was this DISC test we took in secondary school, I happened to be a very high D...being dominant. Being D, our biggest fear is to be taken advantaged of...and I can testify to that. Right now, I feel not only stupid but pathetic...I hate that I have such a conscience...I mean my sisters are like they don't mind my mum doing stuff, but she fucking mops the house upstairs and down, cleans all the toilets, cooks dinner for all of us for the whole week and has a freaking office job. You'd think they actually think beyond themselves? I'm not saying i'm like a total saint, but this is right in front of you, happeneing in your own home...i just don't get it.

I can't help thinking...all the time I did all that stuff, what if I didn't, would have been able to do better for my 'A's? Cos I sure as hell didn't have as much time as the freak sleeping away on the table downstairs or the one far away...and if I definitely could have, then I seriously feel cheated. I feel like I'm being torn up bit by bit, I keep thinking that there's something better than this but right now...I don't think there is anymore.

have i told you how much i need you?

Today was just Sunday...
woke up, went to church...sermon was about patience, although i didn't detect much of a lesson invoved. More of a tell-you-my-funny-story kind of thing and then go back to the topic and verse for a little reminder.

Came back, had lunch and then headed off to springdale for my engrish tutoring job...it was olright...i mean considering she's from IB i didn't really know what to do, i just went with the general stuff, turned out it was rather okay...just needed to gauge as to where exactly she stands. Came home, hung out the clothes, took a bath and now I am here...oh so tired as usual...

Saw this quiz on my jie jie's blog thought i'd give it a go actually a large porportion of it was rather accurate...give it a go if you please...

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it's late
and I am so so tired...
commuting from buona vista to orchard is just so tiring...
I HAVE TO MAKE THIS WORK!!!
I just have to get it started...confidence...

anyways, these few days have been pretty heavy, been commuting between the office at ayer rajah and another one at orchard. I shouldn't be complaining, i need to do this, otherwise it would just be impossible to accomplish what i need to do later on in life. Maybe I'm just scared, scared i won't be able to make it, scared of what I'll have or rather need to do...basically just scared of failing. Being independent in the past has led to too many mistakes for me, although I hate being dependent on someone or something...independence has lost some of it's lustre. Don't get me wrong, I still am very much independent in certain parts of my life, others have just slackened.

Anyway, the day was alright...rather slow in terms of work, still alright. This job hasn't gotten to me yet...people ar nice, they keep giving me stuff to eat and eat, cos they think I am waaaaay too skinny for a human being. Problem is that the stuff they eat is like really oily and stuff, like nasi lemak and char kway teow, which after eating makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I just want to drink and drink more and more water to just flush all the crap out or something.

after work, travelled to orchard to meet sean and start work there. Was there until late, took the bus home after that, had dinner and now i think I shall go to sleep...

Hello!!!
today was good...the radio in the office does wonders for the environment, it just adds that little much needed entertainment. Mummy says it's called pipe music...and luckily it's on class 95...imagine the horror of listening to a chinese station the WHOLE day!!! I mean occasionally is fine, like when I sit in ben's parents car, but the whole day is just too much.

2 reasons why i am so contented with today...one, there was just so much work to do, it just kept coming in man...right about now you must think I am mad, but i think that I have come to realise that I am on the verge of becoming a workaholic and I don't seem to mind it. I was just on the go, on the go and I didn't mind picking up calls for people and taking messages. two, my boss called me in to say that he was impressed with my speed of doing things...he was rather surprised that I was using the SAP system to do quotations, cos he thought that the lady beth would just teach me to use word to generate them as it was just easier. SO i am a happy girl!!!

lunch was just chicken rice and i decided to try out walking from buona vista to holland v to take a bus...definitely cheaper...but timewise...maybe not much of a difference. Went for a run at about 7 and then came back, bathed and now i am here...shall be going for dinner soon...ciao!!!

today was like the best day ever...haha.

woke up at like 10...much later than i intended, but anyway changed and headed over to baby's and waited to go out for lunch. His mummy came back with michelle and chuangyang and we went to pick his daddy. Had dim sum buffet at tung lok seafood restaurant at the arena (opposite SAFTI MI), it was rather enjoyable, with the exception that it was really oily, but it was really good...it was so happy...haha. Took a few photos and then we went to QIAN HU FISH FARM!!!

It was just fish, fish and more fish, it was so exciting and they were just so so so beautiful. All the arowanas, stingrays, parrot fish, they even have this twin head tortoise. The fighting fish were also so beautiful, their colours were so electric...they even had this electric blue lobster...it was just so indescribable. Baby's love for fish has just rubbed off...haha...after walking around followed michelle and chuangyang to go lonkang fishing. surprisingly it's really difficult, although chuanguyang was like damn fast, he caught so many and they kept jumping out. They even have these big ponds of water outside for rearing arowanas, you could see them swimming around when they come close to the surface and they were so beautiful to see.

after our lonkang fishing experience, headed to farmart . we went there, fed goats some veggies, saw rabbits , guinea pigs, cute hamsters and mice...weee...plus super huge arowana, even bigger than those at qianhu and the huge snapping turtle. we even saw dogs...there was one cute quiet one just sitting in the cage watching...unlike the rest which were either running around or sleeping, it was just sitting there looking so cute...after that went back to baby's and napped a bit, spent some quiet time together...and then came home.

It was one amazing day!!!

HAPPY 2ND YEAR ANNIVERSARY BABY!!

weeee...anyways, the days started normally...went to work, I must say work at drager is much more enjoyable, there is a high possibility of work coming through the entire day, keeping me busy (which is what I like.)

during lunch i was just stuffed, I had like a whole bowl of ban mian and after that some of my other colleagues anne, shirley and kim cam to eat. They bought like nasi padang and every person's packet could like feed 2 and a half people. They then gave me like another portion fit for one, plus some beef and a chicken wing. I was like omg. In the end, i ate like a few mouthfuls of rice, finished the chicken and beef and pretty much threw a lot away. I did feel guilty, but there really was no other way. so back to work.

after which met baby at orchard and we went of to ramen ten for RAMEN!!! The quality of the meal wasn't as good as the one we got at their branch at orchard point before it closed ad was replaced by starbucks. after dinner, we went walk walk and then headed for home.

tomorrow we shall go to qianhu fish farm, weeeeeeeee!!!

It's monday....weeeeeee!!!!
anyways, I have once again joined the ranks of the employed...right when baby goes for block leave which starts on wednesday, well actually tomorrow since tomorrow is POP. I'm pretty excited i guess...I mean I don't have any brothers and stuff, so yeah...it'll be pretty cool...i hope i see people i know too...to talk too. ben's mum's gonna be picking me up...

Woke up at like 8...did the morning routines and then headed of to Ayer Rajah Crescent for a job interview. The HR lady was a bit scary...it was fine until she said 'you're only available till july? that's less than 6 months' i basically didn't answer that question...i just smiled...I mean the recruit agency said 3 months and now you're telling me 3-6 months...not my fault. Anyway the boss came in and we had a pretty lighthearted chat...very casual...just to see how I communicated...and I got the job. So I had to head down to the agency to sign a contract which happened to be conveniently located in orchard, so after doing that I decided to do a little window shopping...I'm still on the look out for those tote bag looking things, only things is, most out there are horrible or they just don't strike me as nice at all.

After that headed home and kor let me watch night at the museum on the comp...and now I'm here....I shall be heading out for a run later...I can't believe tomorrow is Tuesday=)

why hello...
another day without work and is it me or does the weather suck...
it's like major hot or something. maybe it's because i was stuck in an air-conditioned office and hence had no idea what daytime weather is like.

today was pretty much lazy day...didn't do much...just called a 2 places to offer to give tuition. I was telling one of them that i would like to teach maths and chem...or general science...and she was like so what about english, history, geography lit? i was like uh...no humans just those i said...and she was like..."you wanna teach so few only arh?" -_-...
For lunch, kor and I had like spaghetti with too much diluted spaghetti sauce...but i thought it was okay...after that went for a nap...and then got a call for an interview...weeee!!! After a week...like thank god...at least now i'll have something to do instead of just sitting around at home in this horrendous weather. Although i do rather enjoy the hanging up clothes to dry part. I get some strange joy from seeing them hang out to dry.

somehow...i wish i was back in school...
speaking of school...i tried to apply for NUS...but the application form was like so long, with so much stuff to fill and stuff i don't even know what i should fill or if i should even fill it. I still have my doubts about this bio thingie too...but i really don't know if i should take my chances with NTU..is it truly disadvantage as compared to being an NUS student???

I'm so going for a run later

It's wednesday people...
mid work week...
and i still haven't found a job...
the job offers haven't been particularly good actually, not that there aren't any...like $5 an hour working an officie job and $1000 a month with OT like until 7-8pm...
it just ain't worth it.

so the search goes on.

I have been sending resumes out like crazy...i don't even remember which company i sent them too and when i went back to check the job listings i can't even recall whether i've already sent my resume for that job or not...basically, the pressures of getting a job are rather great...and i just don't have much control over it, i just call and send out resumes and sit and wait for a reply. if there is one at all.

sad things aside...i am proud to say that i ran for like 20mins today...wee...and i usually do 15 and i actuall managed to run a further distance in the usual 15 mins, so i decided why not do another 5 mins...and it felt damn good. I was also in town in the afternoon, headed down there for an interview with some job agency with my cousin anson, who had class to get to. I wanted to do some window shopping, to see if i could get a new bag, but decided not to do that till i got a job. so yeah, i think i'm rather cruel to myself...i hardly self indulge...i do it like once in a billion years. perhaps it's because i have this fear that once i start i can't stop? Or that i keep thinking i don't deserve it yet? Or that i'm being too calculative? I mean the things i think are expensive are rather cheap for most people i know...like i'm only willing to fork out $20 for a nice bag.

I think i'm insane.

It's tuesday...
I'm feel quite happy without a job...but then...there's the downside being that i have no spending power. Not that I need to spend a lot now, there's nowhere and no one to go out with now, i would actually like to be busy. Especially since baby's not around, i need the mind to be busy so the days pass much easier and faster for me. His POP is next week, and then the block leave comes for 2 weeks...i really wanna spend time during the weekdays...where places are a little much quieter, but if i've already gotten a job...it's gonna be a little hard for that, plus mummy would highly object to placing quality time over making money...dum di dum.

Well, results came out last Friday...didn't really have time to walk much about it. CJC did really well...we're moving up the academic ladder, which i'm really proud. I for one don't believe that mission schools should suffer as a dumping ground...a place to put the "unwanted". Anyway...I would say this is the first time i've felt this quiet satisfaction in me. It's not a kind of ecstacy where i believed that i've done some extraordinary feat, but knowing i've reached somwhere i think. Perhaps it's a little of Karen's 'aim high but don't expect much' thing...but then again it's not. For the first time I don't feel like something has been robbed off of me, although I do wish that the B was an A...after all it would make the cert look a lot better when applying for things like being a tutor. I may not have proved to a certain someone that I'm an 'A' student, but it doesn't seem to bother me so much...perhaps it was just all about someone else. It's not like I have nowhere to go...I do and at the end of the day, I will show you i can make it!!! I will not be a taitai!!!

anyway...that aside...after results...hung around school for a while then baby and I headed to baby's home, watched some discovery channel. Then went out with his parents, sister and sister's bf for dinner...which was rather pleasant. =) after which baby and I walked around orchard for a while, although we did discover that it was 9+ and there wasn't really much to look at at that time and headed home.

Can I say I can't wait for the next week....