Might possibly be a good time to look back on things so far.
Many things have happened, some wins and some loses. Unfortunately, it appears that there have been more losses or what I perceive to be losses than wins.
Marriage life has had some impact on me, I have moved to a new home for almost three months now and it has become a place, a refuge for me that I have come to feel comfortable in. At the same time, I have noticed changes in myself that have slowly but surely taken place. I am more short-tempered and snappy. Emotions run high and fast. I am less forgiving, hold grudges and less giving. At this moment, reflecting on this I honestly feel sad at what I have become. Something I must resolve to change.
Going back to work has not been easy with so many challenges to take on. Figuring out my place at work, what can I contribute and what is the plan from now. I came back to a team of people where despite having known each other prior to my PhD and continued to meet each other somewhat regularly I found I had to get to know again. The years and challenges at work had changed them, plus I had to transit from working on my own to working with other people again. Where I had four years to learn and develop something, I now had to adapt and pick up info fast as I was put on projects that were already in progress. As that was happening, a change in management added another challenge: working for/with someone that was a complete opposite. The change had silver linings, the drive and motivation was high but yet interrelations were and are still stressful. I felt always on edge, that I was not meeting expectations and did not belong. A vicious cycle ensued, I became uncomfortable being uncomfortable, became afraid of everything, removed myself from risky things which in turn led to me feeling demoralised as I was not performing. The fear and worry paralysed my urge to try new things and so the cycle goes on. I became a person, I had consciously resolved not to become. Possibly, God has given me another chance. Doors have opened, probably as another chance for me to grow and I have decided that despite the fear and worry I shall consciously step into it. Ask for help. Let people help. Learn from the help I am given.
Actually, the impetus for writing this post came about due to a recent happening. Desmond announced his resignation confirming my unsettled feelings. It's been a long friendship that began at this workplace and grew but will possibly die upon his leaving. We came in as equals and grew close, but it seems our different paths have led us to become very different people. Where we used to work well together, we no longer do. When we used to speak to each other a lot, we now don't. Taking the train together we now do in silence, with possibly nothing to talk about or want to talk about. At the wedding, he gave me a present which he thought of during his time in Denmark. We recently connected a bit with each other over orchids and a short trip at Ikea but that was just a passing moment. This announcement came in a way that I least expected despite all the things that have been happening and although I wished him well, the conversation ended quickly. Perhaps things should just take its natural course and we should just go back to being strangers like we were before coming here.