The year's drawing to a close and since I'm all alone with nothing to occupy my mind (or procrastinating...)I decided to think about what is going to be 'last year' in a few years.
I've made many leaps and bounds this year. I did my honours, graduated and found my first job without much difficulty and delay after school. Another year together with the most wonderful man and, I hope, have grown closer in my walk with God.
There were also bad times, times I look back on and regret my actions. Leading to many questions about myself and what I'm turning into.
1)Incidences where that bit of self-confidence I taught myself to have in place for my low self esteem had turned into a somewhat snobbish and stubborn nature, unwilling to listen to others. I constantly remind myself not to be this way and hope there is some effect to it.
2)Work has also brought it's own set of demons, with gossiping and complaining being some of the more prominent things I have to to keep in mind not to be a part of. To just listen and not process and not let it affect my work attitude. Another thing about work, and I don't know if other first-time job holders also have this, is the pressure I put on myself to perform. I often think and possibly over-analyse that someone might get the better end of the deal or someone might outperform me. I just want so much to be...I don't know...favoured??? I'm told that I'm doing well, but somehow I'm not convinced. I think I'm just so stressed out I don't even see it. The minute I start getting confident I start to worry if what I'm doing is right, which leads to me doubting myself and when I doubt something could go wrong. When something does go wrong, I think I'm not good at my job and the rest just possibly goes to hell.
I don't know how to stop this manifestation of thoughts and no matter how I explain it, he can't comfort me enough.
3) Publishing. I NEED TO GET STARTED. Seeing the amt of work I have to put in just shuts me off. I've become rather lazy indeed. I do not like that, but I think every human has this inertia in them when it comes to some forms of work. The thing is when you get started it's a lot easier, but the issue is how to get started. Ea is just high. I really need to get it started.
It's short but it is a horrible mess to sort out.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The importance of first thoughts
Be too nice and you get stepped on, try to be a bit meaner and you're a bitch, judgmental etc. (depending on the situation).
Think a little further and some people appreciate it whereas some people think you cause more trouble, inconsiderate, lazy stubborn etc. (basically all the horrible things that never crossed your mind when you had good intentions).
I get that we cannot make everyone happy, but there seems to be a trend that has been occurring. I always regret not accepting the first thoughts or actions that pop into my head. I think a bit more about it and then all the stuff goes to crap. People think you're lazy, inconsiderate and whatnot. These thoughts used to be what I always act on, but lately not. I don't know what happened.
Maybe I'm just downright a horrible person.
Repressed feelings?
Help?
Think a little further and some people appreciate it whereas some people think you cause more trouble, inconsiderate, lazy stubborn etc. (basically all the horrible things that never crossed your mind when you had good intentions).
I get that we cannot make everyone happy, but there seems to be a trend that has been occurring. I always regret not accepting the first thoughts or actions that pop into my head. I think a bit more about it and then all the stuff goes to crap. People think you're lazy, inconsiderate and whatnot. These thoughts used to be what I always act on, but lately not. I don't know what happened.
Maybe I'm just downright a horrible person.
Repressed feelings?
Help?
Confidence
Confidence. Something so simple, yet so hard to earn.
For me, I either have too much or too little of it. Why? I don't know. Even for things I do so often.
Thinking too much? Probably, but then I get careless. Not thinking it through enough? Leads to hesitation, doubt and worrying.
All this yoyo-ing is just getting to me, making me wonder why I cannot be a better 'me'. Why can't I be the better person I envisioned myself to be. Instead, I'm constantly watching someone else who has or seems to have 'everything'. Why did I turn out like...this. I think I'm waiting or maybe a little desperate, for a sympathy vote and have been hinting at it, but as usual I'm not getting any. Neither my family nor even the person I depend on the most have come close to anything like it. I wonder why, am I not deserving of one or maybe they're just not wired that way. I find it difficult to cry it out despite going through these monthly phases of self-condescension. Most of the time I just dismiss it as a time where my emotions are just getting to me and going on overdrive, thus affecting my brain. Now, I'm thinking they could be sort of a 'this is the reality of you' kind of note-to-self that I don't see outside this monthly phase.
Your work at hand? Is this your way to break me? Maybe to get me talking, relying more on you as I keep saying?
Pray.
For me, I either have too much or too little of it. Why? I don't know. Even for things I do so often.
Thinking too much? Probably, but then I get careless. Not thinking it through enough? Leads to hesitation, doubt and worrying.
All this yoyo-ing is just getting to me, making me wonder why I cannot be a better 'me'. Why can't I be the better person I envisioned myself to be. Instead, I'm constantly watching someone else who has or seems to have 'everything'. Why did I turn out like...this. I think I'm waiting or maybe a little desperate, for a sympathy vote and have been hinting at it, but as usual I'm not getting any. Neither my family nor even the person I depend on the most have come close to anything like it. I wonder why, am I not deserving of one or maybe they're just not wired that way. I find it difficult to cry it out despite going through these monthly phases of self-condescension. Most of the time I just dismiss it as a time where my emotions are just getting to me and going on overdrive, thus affecting my brain. Now, I'm thinking they could be sort of a 'this is the reality of you' kind of note-to-self that I don't see outside this monthly phase.
Your work at hand? Is this your way to break me? Maybe to get me talking, relying more on you as I keep saying?
Pray.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Small minds
Working life is an onslaught of things more than just work. Small minds at work, plant seeds that are like a slow poison infiltrating and influencing your mind. You don't even know it until you look back on all things you said and thought and wonder why you not only went along with it, but participated in all of it.
I strongly believe there is no ill intention behind it all, it is the action that breeds unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Just being aware of this is not near enough, you need to catch yourself before you jump into it all, because once you do, you will not stop until you reach the bottom (which is where you run of things to complain and/or gossip and /or lament etc. about). Never in my life would I have thought that it would be so hard to shut these people out and that they would be able to influence so much of my attitude towards work related issues. Such thoughts neither produce anything constructive nor productive and as such people of such a nature never end up being more than where those thoughts bring them to be, unhappy and dissatisfied.
This post was and will never be aimed at anyone in particular, but to serve as a reminder to myself just how the beginnings of some things can make or break a person.
Look and think beyond the surface because 'garbage floats on the surface'.
I strongly believe there is no ill intention behind it all, it is the action that breeds unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Just being aware of this is not near enough, you need to catch yourself before you jump into it all, because once you do, you will not stop until you reach the bottom (which is where you run of things to complain and/or gossip and /or lament etc. about). Never in my life would I have thought that it would be so hard to shut these people out and that they would be able to influence so much of my attitude towards work related issues. Such thoughts neither produce anything constructive nor productive and as such people of such a nature never end up being more than where those thoughts bring them to be, unhappy and dissatisfied.
This post was and will never be aimed at anyone in particular, but to serve as a reminder to myself just how the beginnings of some things can make or break a person.
Look and think beyond the surface because 'garbage floats on the surface'.
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Tired. Exhausted. Mentally.
Something keeps making me go back. Foolishness? Love? Love? Really? Can something like this be called that? Thinking about all the words that went back and forth, all I remember was my disbelief at what was said by her and the usual words that played like a broken record.
SHUT. UP. Please.
I'm not keeping score, but with words like that it's hard not to recollect what I did. Maybe to her it was not that I wanted to, to her it was a duty and that I did it all with a level of unwillingness that was above everything else. Maybe as long as she did something for me in return, the favour (?), this "debt" was declared cleared and filed away. Burnt.
Not once. Not twice. Too many times for me to count.
You are ungrateful and disrespectful....Since when have you ever done anything for me?
Would it be right to say then that you have never done anything for me because it was a duty to a daughter? I try so hard to understand your intentions, your ways, where is yours?
Maybe distance is best when it's between us.
To say that I am hurt does not even come close.
Something keeps making me go back. Foolishness? Love? Love? Really? Can something like this be called that? Thinking about all the words that went back and forth, all I remember was my disbelief at what was said by her and the usual words that played like a broken record.
SHUT. UP. Please.
I'm not keeping score, but with words like that it's hard not to recollect what I did. Maybe to her it was not that I wanted to, to her it was a duty and that I did it all with a level of unwillingness that was above everything else. Maybe as long as she did something for me in return, the favour (?), this "debt" was declared cleared and filed away. Burnt.
Not once. Not twice. Too many times for me to count.
You are ungrateful and disrespectful....Since when have you ever done anything for me?
Would it be right to say then that you have never done anything for me because it was a duty to a daughter? I try so hard to understand your intentions, your ways, where is yours?
Maybe distance is best when it's between us.
To say that I am hurt does not even come close.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Time flies, I've graduated, started working.
Too many things have happened in the pass few months to write them all down.
Too many thoughts have come and gone. I did not know how to start writing them down then and neither do I now. A mess of emotions mixed with thoughts that run through my mind, a breeding ground for impetuous, shallow and judgmental accusations on people.
Are some people just not reasonable, or am I not accepting enough? Am I too quick to think of myself and not others? Perhaps I am swayed easily, a spineless person who has not a mind of her own?
What exactly have I become?
Too many things have happened in the pass few months to write them all down.
Too many thoughts have come and gone. I did not know how to start writing them down then and neither do I now. A mess of emotions mixed with thoughts that run through my mind, a breeding ground for impetuous, shallow and judgmental accusations on people.
Are some people just not reasonable, or am I not accepting enough? Am I too quick to think of myself and not others? Perhaps I am swayed easily, a spineless person who has not a mind of her own?
What exactly have I become?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)