Thank you to love
For slowly bringing you and I together
Everything that has happened
Each page in this photo album
is a happy you and me
Loving you everyday
In this whole world no one can replace you
Having known you for so long
I am still very much in love with you

I basically freezed my ass off today in the office. 1st day of work. Not anything fun, not anything boring. I just have to say it was really quiet...I mean when there's no one around. Then when someone talks, it's like shattering glass or smthg...I swear. Then when you're making phone calls to people...they talk to each other across the room like it's nobody's business...the office isn't big, kinda small actually, so when they talk...the TALK. Was fine though I was constantly feeling uncomfortable...the more they told me to take stuff, be at ease and all that hospitality stuff...made me feel even more uncomfy. Got my first paycheck too...I think making money makes me feel good. So money isn't everything...but you gotta admit...without money, you ain't got no house, no food, no clothes...so in a way it matters A LOT! I'm being pracitical...am I annoying you? HAHA!
knocked off at 5pm...headed to mrt station...decided to walk into CD rama for a while. Jerry and Zaizai's (Vic Zhou) album so ex...$20.95. Even I can't bear to fork out that much for it, even if it's that tempting. Finally decided to call vic zhou, Zaizai or ZZ, although still think it's weird...but saying Zaizai is so much easier than vic zhou. Plus it was an affectionate term used by his grandma...so it just don't sound right. His millions of fans and other people call him that, S'like...millions of people are your grandma pr smthg...just really um, werid...yeah...okay I'll stop.
came home...read a little...listened to my cheena CD...now officially called 'my cheena compilation' by me. I have this damn big fear that I am turning into the absolutely CHINESE person...okay so I am chinese , but by chinese I mean...cheenafied...AH! you get it...if you don't you're an idiot. okay I didn't mean that. but somehow...they make me feel more than english music. I mean listening to happy songs actually make me feel HAPPY inside and those lovey-dovey or heartbreaking ones actually make you feel...um FEEL. It's an absolutely new feeling and the lyrics seem to have more meaning...it's like a poem...and the lyrics flow better than those of english songs. My sis claims it's because I haven't actually heard the NICE english ones...but I HAVE! and they don't give me the same feeling. I have been absolutely obsessed with this for the whole month...mm-hmm.
Yes...so I cooked dinner...helped mummy peel lotus, along with a bit of my skin, and cut it as well. Did that make you go 'ouch'? Okay I'll stop.
Right now...my mum is paranoid. Due to the introduction of a rat in the house last night(so my sis wasn't seeing THINGS that night). My mum and sis chased it out last night. From upstairs it sounded funny...what with the sounds of the pole whaking everything BUT the rat and the sound of mumbled curses at like 11.30pm. haha...so now...all the doors and patio doors have to be closed downstairs when there's no one down there...leaving it very stuffy. BLEAH! and I HATE a stuffy house plus the night air is the best out of the whole day...curse the bloody rat! I CURSE IT! AHHHH!
SHUT UP GEN!
right.

Sunday is the best!! So relaxing...I have just been reading and reading. Man...feels so good to just sit and listen to music and just read. I can't help staring at my nails...painted them last night, black...while watching VCD and hanging out with my sis.
This morning got up, went to church, had lunch...yumyum...guin's friend sandra tagged along. That girl has to loosen up...haha. Went to PPWC with mummy to shop for veges. Had my chinese CD song and now she's hooked on the Mars OST track haha.
Came back bathed and then helped mummy with the beans and wood ear. Peeled potatoes and squeezed lime juice and mummy cut the aloe vera we bought...bleah! It's absolutely bitter fresh from the leaf. Going out for dinner soon...and I wanna change my blog song!! Anyway...To all the people I took grad night pics with...I can't remember all of you people...but SEND THEM TO ME...or smthg...or just put it on your blog and I'll rip them from there...haha!
okay...um...better stop...there seems to be this urge to ramble. Not good gen...

Last night was good...wasn't exctiting or anything, but was okay. Food was good, although the emcee was really lame and the games were a bit spas...haha. Kept taking a lot of photos though. After that met erika and wanted to go walk around town, but then decided to go back up to the room and chat. Had a nice long one and then papa came to pick me up. Hung out with my sis until 4am o.o I have only one last thing to say about last night though, I sincerely thank God for inventing track shoes.

If you have too much sadness
Leave your heart for me to protect
The tired fireworks
I'll chase them away for you

Woke up feeling a little weighed down. I'm still pissed at this morning. I'll vent later, so you won't have to read it now, and you can skip it.
To school for the stupid briefing, was completely useless... okay the front bit was...and besides I wasn't really listening to the last bit, but...wait I guess I was listening a bit...was playing around with RW. Got all the stuff and went off first and dropped in on the guides. Was nice seeing all off them. Although, jianghan...don't stress girl. haha.
Left with erika and Naomi and then erika and I headed to Orchard to look for my top. Was an enjoyable trip. We were like sweeping through shops, jumping from building to building (not literally). In a very fast manner, at least faster than I thought it would be. Finally found a nice one and bought it. Headed for lunch, had hokkien mee, was good haven't had that for a long time. To perlini's to get erika's silver cloth and solution. After which, we split.
Frankly speaking, I felt that she was the one doing all the work...haha. and I was just tagging along, just saying 'no', 'cannot', 'looks weird'. Felt kinda bad to drag her out to buy stuff with me, but it was really good =) and thanks for listening to my stuff...I know you got yours too, but I appreciate it all.
Came home, washed clothes, bathed, sat in my room with my chinese CD and read a book. Was a good thing...nice and quiet, only music.I need to have this more often. Slept a little while too.
Grad night's tomorrow...frankly I don't know what I'm really feeling...not really anxiety...haha. This would be my second one, but this doesn't feel the same, it feels like I'm leaving lots of stuff behind. Too much, and I can't seem to pack it all up. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
As for this morning...you can skip this part...not worth your time actually.
I am still ab-so-lute-ly clueless. Why is it whenever we talk, it ends up in a HUGE mess-up. I don't like that. Really. I don't know why you thought i was being rude to you, cause I CERTAINLY did not have the intention of doing so. I would not say that I am the best daughter in the world...but you know what? I would NEVER stoop that low to get something from you...all this time I have earned everything in a righteous manner from you. Those words you said to me, it hurt me...but you know what else...you've never really cared about that have you? After all you just shove all the stuff I earn from you or the stuff I work so hard to get, in my face . It's been going on for what, 7 years? I thought I had learnt to ignore it cause it just doesn't seem to affect me any more, but recently I found out...it still does, but you don't care do you? I know you think I'm really independent, yeah, you brought me up that way, but sometimes, I need some comfort or maybe just a hug to reassure me or something, don't you get it. These 7 years, I've just been keeping it all inside, I don't like to selfishly pour out all my feelings and cry in front of people, cause they definitely have their own stuff to take care off and that's not fair to them at all. I don't know when it's all gonna come out and stuff, but for now, it's stayin' in there. After all crying's not gonna solve anything. It never does.

Milkshake: I only know what songs there are...don't really know which he composed.

To the zoo...it's changed quite a bit since the last time I went there. I like the change. Just the 3 of us ethel, erika, perry and I along with little nelsie (janel) she was a good girl today. Ethel's dad came to pick us up to drop janel off at home, then perry went for her tuition, while the 3 of us went to town. To erika's dentist we went, she was (or still is) pissed at her rubber bands as she always is. Went to bk for awhile, and sat there and chatted, although ethel was rather quiet...must have been tired. was a good chat, then headed home. Got damn wet at the last stretch cos didn't bring my umbrella. Bathed, sat down to watch some more 'liu xing hua yuan'. Mummy came back and I cooked dinner. She wanted to go out to look at clothes, but was feeling tired and plus I had taken my bathe and I didn't wann go for another when I came back. So now I'm here.
I don't understand. We saw something nice yesterday, WHY didn't we just take it. I mean I know we should look around and all that, but I mean, I don't really have the time. You told me to wait till after exams to bother about this THING...I agreed and now it's just NOT working out. If your aim is to make me feel bad that I'm riching you and dragging you out to this...then you've succeeded. You don't trust me to get something on my own...how's this gonna work out? I mean it's just 2 days away...we gotta think of something, FAST!

I feel much better today...this relaxing and not worrying about a damn thing...and what I have to do tomorrow...works. DAMN! I could get used to this...haha. I guess that's all I wanted to post. You wanted to read this...I didn't wanna waste your bloody time.

You know what...I LOVED TODAY!!! Thank you to the 3 lovely people in my life. I saw something nice at Daniel Yam...but the whole feckin' world's going there. We all gonna look like clones, man!! The big accomplishment...we got erika shoes, haha...with heels!! Practically traipsed through the whole of orchard and then went to explanade...sat there for a while, I liked it...with the exception of other external things (ahem...) but it was good...quiet, and good place to think. Sorry to my gf for ignoring her for awhile there
To erika I say : THANK YOU LOADS you may not know this, but it meant helluva a lot to me, I mean, what you did for me...I've never been able to do with anybody in my life. Have I told you...I love you!
Took the bus home...thought a bit more...and yeah STOOOOPID man on the bus belching for 20 mins and spraying his saliva on me before getting off. @#$&!
Came home...and the whole evening just crashed! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I HATE THIS!!! WHY do we have to do this ALL the time...do you even know how damn irritating it is...no irritating isn't the word for it, miserable, yes it makes me feel absolutely miserable, it's the poor girl's birthday, do you know how painful it is to see how much strife is caused just because you're born on that day...I was expecting it to happen tomorrow morning when we're going to church...NO!! You had to do it today...I feel like hitting something, venting.
WHY!?!?! It just makes me wanna leave and walk away...why is it other people can live peacefully and we can't...we can't even go out for dinner together? I just left a friend to have dinner with her family because it's her brother's birthday and they can do that easily...why can't we do the same!?!
I went out happily to find something that I look nice in and yeah I found it...you let me choose, I chose and what are you telling me now?! You know what?! WHY waste the $70...I might as well go there in a bloody shirt and jeans...WHY GET MY HOPES UP TO ONLY CRASH THEM?! You know when you said what you said, you killed all the happiness I had to looking forward to that night. I felt betrayed...you gave me false hope. I HATE THAT...if you can't do it...just tell me you can't at the start, don't be all wishy-washy on me. I can't take it, you do this all the time? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?! Something you can play around with?!
I just wanna go away...quiet...somewhere I can just stare, not hear anyone...and sit there. I don't need comfort...I don't need someone to tell it's all gonna be alright, I just need someone to just sit there and go through all this silence with me. That's all I want.

she called =), need I say more?

I couldn't resist...this song just makes me feel so happy...gravity by Jerry Yan..translated.

As long as you smile
I won't mind
You're capricious to me
But I actually feel honored
Don't care about love
It's love's enemy
I've already lost my usual calm for you
Although I'm not an expert
Happiness, this type of thing
I really do want however
Taking everything you want
And putting them in your hands

*Love is like gravity
Irresistible
Inch by inch
Deeply attracted by you
A broken heart doesn't matter
I'm also willing to wait
In the crowd, the only one I can see is you
Love is like gravity
There's no crack
Day by day
I don't see you but I think of you
In your eyes
I know myself again
It's so easy to smile in front of you

I finally understand
During those lonely nights
The lonesome expressions
Are because you aren’t near
So I'm willing
To get drenched in the rain to wait for someone
You are the one that woke the love that even I didn’t understand
Although I'm not an expert
Happiness, this type of thing
I really do want however
Taking everything you want
And putting them in your hands

Repeat *

Although I'm not an expert
Happiness, this type of thing
I really do want however
Taking everything you want

Love is like gravity
Irresistible (irresistible)
Inch by inch
Deeply attracted by you (deeply attracted by you)
A broken heart doesn't matter
I'm also willing to wait
In the crowd, the only one I can see is you (only one I can see is you)
Love is like gravity
There's no crack (there's no crack)
Day by day
I don't see you but I think of you (but I think of you, think of you)
In your eyes
I know myself again
It's so easy to smile in front of you (so easy)

Talked to my darling last night...made me realise how empty I feel right now...I don't care if it's 6 more days. So lonely...doing everything by myself, no familiar laughter or making you laugh, nothing to really look forward to. Laughing at this juncture is supposed to be wrong...you're supposed to be studying. It's an empty feeling I cannot express, mixed with fears. Fearing the coming of the next day, cos it means one less day, less time. A feeling I can't describe. It's just getting so hard, but I know I need to persevere, if not everything's just gonna be wasted 'gong kui yi kui'(meaning falling at the last stretch). I just need to carry on and I am glad these cheenafied songs are helping in a way, making things seemingly better. Whatever, it makes me feel better.
Fixed the Ares...as my sis says 'fucking school children on holiday feeding off the bandwith' ( I know I'm going to be one of those kids soon...but right now I ain't) and am on a Jerry Yan and Vic Zhou, downloading spree...I tell you my sis is gonna flip or something. I can't believe what all this stuff is doing to me. but hey, it helps, so I'ma gonna use it.
How the hell am I gonna go to califronia like this?!?!

I have decided to come back seeing as I have been negelcting my blog because of the damn 'O's, and I need to get some feelings out. But first, just lemme say...this chinese thingie, is SO working for me...and that whatshisname...Vic Zhou, is growing on me as in, REALLY. It scares me...and I keep playing songs by him on the comp...esp the Mars OST song 'rang wo ai ni'. Anyway onto other things...
Everything's been going okay...I think...I'm just damn scared, yes, scared of what I will see on black and white every morning when I walk into the exam room, scared to see what I get on my certificate which will scar my life for 2 years...2 years may not seem very long...but it's damn long.
I am scared that the panic attacks will come, God has helped me a lot these 2 weeks and I thank him so much for all that he has done, but I feel there is only so much he can do for me and I fear what I am doing is not enough.
This fear is not like in those horror movies where it makes you scream, it resides in my gut ready to take over at the slightest bit of a panic attack I have. I have this constant vision that when the exam starts I'd just stand up, leave and walk home...WALK home. No one can calm this fear of mine...what with the constant asking of 'How was today's paper?', I know you mean well, but do you know that whenever I respond to that, I feel like I am promising you a particular grade for that paper and when I can't deliver, I feel I have seriously disappointed you, and not just you but myself as well. I feel like running away...driving in a car(that is if I can...) at high speed down an endless road so that I can forget all of this and try hard to not remember any of it forever.
My 'rents have gone to malaysia...dad's coming back tonight, mummy will come down with my aunties tomorrow. Their there cos my auntie esther's papa is sick. You know sometimes...it hits me that all my relatives are not here but across the causeway and that makes them feel so unreachable to me. Like if something were to happen to them, I can't exactly take a 15 min drive down the block or to another street in Singapore to go see them, I'd have to endure 4 hours in a car to do that and I wouldn't know what to do when I get there to see them and a lot can happen in 4 hours. I'm not the kind who shows feelings very often, if I do then it's really a lot. I'm also not the kind who hugs my family and stuff (except my sis) and I wouldn't know what to say, cos if he/she was sick. I can't exactly say 'you're gonna be okay' cos I'd be makin' a promise I can't keep. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, I don't know what plan God has for them tomorrow. If they're gonna cry, I won't know what to say, crying people are just my weakness, I mean you want me to hug you? you want me to say something? if yes, then what? What do you want to hear, what would make you feel better? Some chocolate, ice-cream perhaps? You got me there. I don't know how to comfort...I don't know how to talk.
sorry, just needed to blog it out and yes, you can blame vic zhou and his Mars OST song, cos it's makin' me feel right now.