Who let me love you
Who let you love me

I'm finally home!!!
yay!!!
i have never wanted so much to wander around my own house, sleep in my own bed and sit on my own sofa and watch TV...
haix...everything seems so much better and i feel better...
haha...
i still have things to do...but i think i will enjoy myself with baby tomorrow...we haven't seen each other for more than 2 weeks...from what i recall, the longest we've been apart is like 3 days??? so yeah...i just wanna see him...hug him...make sure he's still real...
ciao!!!

Just bring me things that I don't need
Cuz now its Christmas and I want everything

merry christmas to one and all...
yesyes....
today started off well...
went to some restaurant for high tea...
it was good...although i don't really know why...i didn't talk much...mostly fooled around with my cousins, haven't seen them is a while...we were like playing with each other's phones, playing with his digicam...talking
the food was good...although there was this huge momentary pause in the food flow. apparently they were understaffed so they, um....for got about us? or to be nice...got too busy. after the food started flowing again...everything was fine once again. I was like damn full...and then they ordered like 3 out of the four desserts...they were nice though...i liked them. then we went shopping
that was bad...terrible more like
my cousin took us to KLCC, cos he knew we wanted to buy stuff...however my mum was quite unwillling to spend...i didn't mind that cos we are on a tight budget, what pissed me off was that i had stuff to do and an aim in mind and they were just wandering from place to place aimlessly and getting lost in the crowds causing us to have to wait for them to re-join us. i know i may sound like som damn mean bitch and i should wait cos they're my seniors but i had something to accomplish and they were just dragging me down.
next was this place where they sell all this imitation stuff; shirts, shoes, clothes, bags, you name it they got it. saw a lot of nics stuff...but the shoes...some were absolutely outrageous. everything started out fine, but as time went on things got bad...again. my mum and my aunts ust got into their own little world and just walked around..stopped occasionally and moved on. it's like i didn't get a chance to see the stuff at all...the plce was real crowded...like shoulder to shoulder crowded, so we had to keep up...needless to say i got pissed. she even scolded me for asking for sizes for a shoe...cos she said i should have asked for the price...oh well...that was bad...then went to giant...spent some money and then came home bathed...ate macs for dinner and now i'm here. going home tomorrow...
which is good...
my aunts are just so critical about everything...
i hate it...
i dunno how to express it...but it just makes you feel very unhappy when the comment about things...oh well...
i dunno...i feel so lost now...

is it too much to ask?
all i want for christmas is you...

today was one ab-so-lute-ly disgusting day that i for one hope will not EVER repeat itself...

woke up at like 7am...then rushed down to the stupid place to re-do the ic and we reached our destination to find an extremely long queue, extending out of and to the back of the somewhat large building. The length of the queue itself was disheartening...as we could just see ourselves standing out there for 65 million years...i mean after all...I'm quite sure m'sia is quite well known for it's efficiency.

the queue started moving quite fast, so we were optimistic. when we finally got into the building word of mouth was they had run out of numbers...wtf. so we rushed of somewhere else...and that place had run out of numbers to re-do the IC...we landed in putrajaya. we got a number...yay...600+ more numbers to go and it was a friday...meaning the people have to go to the mosque...meaning everything would stop running, according to them from 12.30 to 2.45...so we obviously had to wait until 2.45....

the wait was absolutely torturous...omg...waiting for 2 frikkin' hours for it stuff to start running, it was cold, and i was sleepy, bored and did i say sleepy??? i did...anyway, everything started up again at 2.45...with like...500+ more numbers to...omg...we were ther until like 7?? i swear...malaysia needs to know something called EFFICIENCY!!! wtf...a whole frickkin day wasted..when i could have gone shopping and stuff...

what made it worst was like the people there...omg..the kind of people you see there and what they were wearing. some of the women in the tudung looked nice, actually pretty...but then some people should not squeeze into clothes one size too smaller than they actually are, it was absolutely uncomfortable to look at. the children were even worst...i distinctly remember this girl in her imitaiton heelys...skating back and forth in front of me...irritating the hell outta me. I was just wishing she'd fall on her face and that would teach her to sit down. each malay ( i say malay cos it was predominantly malay in there...) family had about 4 kids...and imagine them all running around screaming and crying....and the parents just sit there and not do anything. like wtf...if you haven't noticed your kids are being an absolute PAIN!!! there were even kids walking around BAREFOOT in the wet toilets...like why would you let your kid do that!?!? it's disgusting!!!

everything was done at like 7pm..went for dinner, had pi dan zhou...then went to meet my cousins at 'the curve' for shopping. didn't really shop cos it was already so late...everything was pretty much closed...so we're going again tomorrow...to somewhere else cheaper. and now I'm here....been feeling so tired recently...hope I'm not coming down with something...

christmas is lonely without you...

dum di dum....
woke up at like 9.30 today....
wanted to go for dance...but then was too lazy and stuff
so i just hung my stuff out to dry and folded all the clothes and um...bummed around for a while...
baby called...i was so happy to hear his voice =)....i miss it...haven't heard it in a while...haven't seen him in a while...=(
anyway then later boarded the bus to get to malaysia...
the ride was good, comfy...had really big seats...tables.... with the exception that it was too damn cold...I brought a sweater, wore it and I shut the air-con vents but as one of the flaps (it had 2) of the air-con vents was like...ripped off? so cool air was still blowing out and i was freezing. I kept thinking about an extra jacket which my baby always gives me to cover my legs like in lectures or just to keep me warm...made me miss him even more. they had a transit movie too....rat race...nothing fantastic..but I haven't seen it before so it was olright. the service was good too...we had like chicken sandwich and one of those packet cup water thingies....

arrived and around 9pm and my auntie took me to some place...cos she said my luck next year for dragon(my zodiac...) isn't good which is devastating cos my 'A's are next year...but then one should not be controlled by such things I believe. the place was crawling with kids...they were like, running out of rooms like bullets...like priare dogs...absolutely terrifying. my aunts gave me this hong bao which they put in a basket at the altar and then I knelt in front of it with this big yellow paper in my hands...then the funny thing happened...the lady which was supposed to do the stuff started talking in cantonese, didn't realise she was talking to me until a while later. what's more, with my limited ability in talking or understanding cantonese I looked like an absolute moron. then the woman realised after saying it a few times that I didn't understand said...boy or girl?,,,,then I wasl like ....uh, girl...then she like pricked my middle fingers with a needle and then I took ths whole stack of papers they handed me and I burnt it...they gave a me a fruit i'm supposed to eat and we went off to my cousins house to see their new dog...well not exactly new, they've had her since august. she's a mixed laborador, so cute i tell you....so shy...haha... =) talked a while there and then we came back...and bathed and now I'm here typing

will be here until boxing day...miss my baby so much...
miss his face...hands...oh well... =(

I'm back from camp...
so tired...
and I need to travel tomorrow to malaysia...
I am still damn pissed about that...
anyway, I must tell...haha...the best thing about the camp was these two sec 2 twins...omg...I thought they were so cute together haha...they're like total opposites, in terms of behaviour and charcter. the older one, daryl, is like a ticking time bomb...omg...he was absolutely playful, didn't like ti do whatever I asked and was like your typoical sec 2 boy...haha. the younger one (by 4 mins), darren, was more participative and he was willing to play all the games and even do the gala night shit and he was much more capable of sitting down somewhere to get down to work...I dunno....i just thought they looked so cute together. There was a game we were doing where they were trying to find out who had the highest forhead amongst a selected group people and these 2 twins happened to be there and everyone kinda asssumed they'd be the same, but daryl's happened to be 0.3 cm higher...how cool's that?

the games were rather okay....it mostly consisted running long distances...across the park, campsite...singapore...very taxing...tiring and my stamina really sucks. my team didn't do so well on the first day but we picked up a bit on the second day and games today was rather well done, except the gala night sucked...haha. The people were not that great, they had good intentions but, I felt really uncomfortable around them, except for the bunch I usually hang out with and a few others I managed to get to know. All the jumping during worship, making people pray out loud...altar calls, in a way it was being forced upon us and I felt that it was the wrong way. I mean you worship god in whatever way you deem is comfortable, other people don't set that for you.

the talks were relatively okayl...the first day's was fine, talking about rekindling the love for god...buyt todays suddenly deciated to sex and BGR. I mean the pastor was saying...if you don't intend to get married don't date...but if you are then give it about 2 years, meaning if you wanna marry at 21, start dating and 19. To me these things cannot be destined...you can't time these things. You cannot explain stuff like this, cos somehow you will just know if he/she is the one for you, it's indescribable, you can't time things like that. The one on sex was alright...I mean people, esp those of our society are rather conservative, it's sorta taboo to speak or question it , and he was saying god created sex so it's supposed to be a beautiful thing shared between husband and wife...it is us humans who have made it what it has become today. but I still can't get or reemember how we got to that issue.

gonna be travelling tomorrow...
so tired...I wanna add somemore...but then you wouldn't care to read right?
and I'm so tired....
I miss my baby so much...we haven't seen or heard much from each other during what's going to be 2 weeks and 2 days of no communication between either of us.
I miss him so much...I wanna hug so bad... =(

Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

it's friday already...
which means i'll be going off for church camp....
aaaaaargh...
maybe I should be a nice person and comfort myself with nice thoughts..and tell myself right now that maybe it's not going to be so bad, after all there are so many nice people there and we're all going to have nice good clean fun together...we shouldn't jump to conclusions like this...
yeah right...
today was nice...no one at home...nice to be all alone, just reading...doing what I wanna do. No one talking, no one I need to talk to, no unnecessary noise...it was a good day. I even had a nice nap, until my sister came home and switched on the bloody television.
let's see, I ironed the clothes needed, dried all the clothes from the washing machine, fixed up the pole in the room downstairs...haha...I am an absolute genius...haha...I am unstoppable...I've even finished HBP...
the things and number of things you can do uninterrupted...

when I stepped in the room
I bring the heat like the month of June
crank the volume make the bass go boom

well...today's been fun...
no dance until next week, which I am not in Singapore for...hmph!!!
I swear this holiday is super screwed or something...it is absolutely upsetting...
I mean I have NO idea how they talked me into going for church camp, cause I was never up for it and I'm seriously not into that kind of stuff. I mean I go to church worship, there is a God; I acknowledge him...and maybe a bit more, but i don't go into it so much. Now I'm going to be gone for like 4 days...4 FREAKIN' days with these church people 0.0 the horror for me. Due to this I can't go to ethel's on the 20th...and i'll be missing full dress for dance on 21st....AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

As if all of the above was not enough, I have to go back to malaysia on the 21st, in the evening, to re-do my damn malaysian IC. They got this new smart card system and you incur a 50 buck charge (not sure if it's ringgit or sing dollar). SO I'll be there until boxing day....-_-...and I DISLIKE going to malaysia....hopefully when I get back everything would be so much better. Hopefully I can go out and spend time with some of the girls and shop...

I may regret that i wrote this one day and go 'what the fuck was I DOING!?!??!' and yet maybe (hopefully not...)i won't...

I'm seriously pissed.

I have no idea why..maybe I shouldn't be cos I'm suppose to tolerate ( is that the word for it?) it, but I don't give shit anymore. how 'bout I just do my stuff and you do yours and when you feel you're like done over there then tell me, cos seriously...I feel like some idiot. I said it before...cos I really don't feel like aniticipating something to happen and it just DOESN'T! sure it's not like you told me, but hey...that's the way I function. take it or leave it.

I'm just pissed, I really don't get this...I cannot take this anymore...I won't, can't believe it. To me, it's virtually impossible...I don't know HOW to describe it. just forget it.

whatever.

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long

I have truly come to know what it really means to be in a daze....
I just have to be doing things this week...if not, I think about things too much...
even reading helps...still got math to do though
I want to go out with people or person...when I mean go out, just to go walk, sit somewhere and talk stuff; girl stuff and catch up or even speak of mindless things. Not really in the mood of spending money till I see something I need. Being a bit stingy, esp since the working stint is over and the cash is for the next year.

I need to see the ij people...I miss them loads, can't explain it but yeah, I just do. I just cannot believe how busy this time can be, seems there's not going to be enoungh time for me to do all my things. you see, I 'm an absolute worry wort...however, I worry a lot about things ten years down the road instead of what's happening now. I do worry about things in the present, maybe just not as much, maybe i do...just that when I start to think of it, it just runs ceaselessly through my head and refuses to give me any ounce of peace. worst thing is I just don't seem to know what to do about it or what to do first if there are many things.

I just think that the year is ending too soon...I mean next year it's the 'A's and I won't even know if I can catch up like I did this year. I did catch up and I improved...okay...but THAT is not going to be enough for the 'A's. I won't even know if I'll be able to absorb all the chapters and this years' stuff. I won't even know if baby and I will have time for each other...both leisure and have study time together just like we did this year. Sure it would be less, but how much???? I won't even be able to know so many things!!! The future is ab-so-lute-ly UNPREDICTABLE and i'm scared....yeah scared, maybe terrified...a bit into terrified, maybe more?

I don't understand this...
why is narnia coing out on the 22nd when it's coming out on the 9th in malaysia and possibly all over the world?!?!?
I've been watching the trailers and omg...it seems that this movie might actually do the book some justice. Although it is a bit lord of the ringsy...but it's ab-so-lute-ly BEAUTIFUL!!!! i mean the screenplay is just so wonderfully done. The characters are beautifully cast; the white witch is beautifully merciless and her beuaty is so cold....and the pevensie children are just what the book described....haha...the animals are beautiful as well...I particularly like the wolves, the griffin and maybe the centaur as well. For those out there who haven't read them, I seriously highly recommend it and if you've read the lord of the rings, you should read 'the chronicles of narnia' by CS Lewis. There's another genius for fantasy. If only there were more good writers in the world....

my handphone's been a bit lonely...

It's late...
I'm actually tired, but somehow I just thought I should just drop in here...
my ankles hurt...so does my back...argh...3 days of dance straight...
sit-ups, crunches, push ups...stretching...but it makes me feel good...haha
We did good today I think..blocking and stuff's all out...just need to clean...which took like super long today...
I mean we just took damn long just to settle something...or rather so many things, but it was olright...
then headed to baby's to spend time together...had dinner, watched 'meet the fockers'...I mean what happened to moses, the dog which humps everything that moves...haha...and I wanna try a tom collins...it looks nice...

after that we decided to watch the tab tv episode on teen sex...wasn't the best thing I've seen. I mean the show just seemed to lack content. It just seemed to throw you these stories where the point would just be people having sex, sex and guess what? MORE SEX...HELLO!!! It somehow does not even bring across any particular message at all. I mean yeah, they're having casual sex, pre-marital sex...but don't just SHOW the stories...like evaluate or something...talk to these people...interview them...ask them what they would have done differently if they had another chance...you know questions like that? I mean though they are what ost interviewers would ask in such an event, but to me it seems to carry a better message. The little conference thingie...I mean the indian guy was ever so helpful...he hardly made himself noticeable. The poor SPG too...I mean it just seemed to me that they just put her there to attract the audience, to get them interested as they would want to anticipate her reaction to the questions they posed to her on her promiscuous life. I mean she's in a tough enough spot as it is, coming on national television as they proclaimed her promiscuous lifestyle to the 4 million population of Singapore. I know that she should probably should have been able to anticipate reactions as she should have known what she was gettignherself into, however I felt that the host and the others were just out to make her feel bad about herself...put her down due to the life she leads...and announce to Singaporeans 'this is bad...don't follow'. The way the SPG looked at daphne too, when she was questioned on the issue they were discussing at the moment, haha..she was like looking at her out of the corner of her eye and scanning or maybe just looking her over from head to toe, like saying 'yeah, right.' or 'shut-up stupid bitch...what do you know'. We stopped that and watched 'hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' it was funny at first, but it soon lost our attention.

bussed home, bathed, talked to baby and he went to sleep...almost 12 now...sigh
baby's going to be out for the whole of next week...
I'll be going for church camp when he comes back, then he'll be going to m'sia when that happens....
I'll be going to m'sia on christmas eve, so little time...
esp since next year's going to be so busy...
whoever knew december could be so busy....
gotta start on my chem tomorrow....
and I'm getting sleepy -_-.....
nites....

Is it me....or am i starting to miss you aleady?

It's sunday and I'm at home
just lazing aroung..and thinking about HOW exactly I'm going to finish my holiday homework...
anyway, I tried to take a nap just now, however I was RUDELY awakened by my mei mei...who decided to just come in and lie all over my bed waking me up in the process. Now I can't get back to sleep...she better keep 4 eyes on that bear of hers...
my eyes are watering now and my nose is running...I think it's the dusty state of my room. I just saw the amount of dust on the bookshelf near the window and I was absolutely appalled at how I could let such a sight go unseen for the past month or so. I should get down to getting it officially dustfree, before we go down to m'sia and once I've finished my holiday homework.
need to go iron...

I miss holding your hand
the way mine and yours just fit so well,
swinging it as we walk....
I miss your hugs
they always seem to make me feel so secure,
holding me like you'll never let me go...
I miss your face
the way it makes all those expressions that just make me laugh,
the smile that matches it so well...
I miss your eyes
the way they look at me,
making me feel like i'm the only one in your world...
I miss your hair
just the way it looks and feels when I run my hands through it...
what about you?

I just had to post this..
my nails are long
nice and pink too...
omg...they look so damn good....
typical bimbo moment...

Baby, don't you know I love you so
Can't you feel it when we touch
I will never, never let you go
love you, oh so much

Somehow the blasted post has disappeared...
oh well...here we go again...
and baby's probably at the comp saying "I told you to save"
okay...my fault...I know...
Anyway..tuesday....TV night...CSI
weeeeeeee!
okay...I was lookinh back on my previous posts, for this year, and I have come to notice that the vocab has somewhat deteriorated and content has been rather something I would decline to speak of. Not that I have to type in bombastic words or add jargon...it's just something I noticed when I was reading them.

On to today...
I was taking the bus to work today...so happens that the 193 queue was long...as in it had extended out of its queue space and this set of people got a single decker bus. I just had to get on this bus to get to work early and leave early. Somehow I managed to squeeze myself onboard...problem being I was facing the back of the bus when the bus moved off. The bus was just so crowded I couldn't even re-orientate myself to a more stable position, so there I was in my heels, swaying as much as the crowd would allow everytime the bus came to a halt. I looked at the people on the bus...so I started wondering...which guy (yes, guy...) would stand up and offer a lady on heels a seat...and then the saying 'chivalry is dead' came to me...but then women wanted equality...so would that mean chivalry contradicts chivalry? just a thought in the morning. baby called while I was onboard the bus to tell me of his somewhat attempt at cooking cai tao kueh...needless to say the conlsion I made was that it was a disaster, but according to him the tast wasn't.

work was work...
Although I made it more bearable through reading old fanfiction while there and the typewriter made work a little more fun. What with all the trying to get the margins all the same, estimating and feeling a tiny sense of accomplishment...call me nuts but it really did. Just yesterday i was quite determined that I wanted to quit...the job had somehow become oh so unbearble. I took the calculator on my desk to see how I much I would be shortchanging myself...but when I punched in a couple of numbers...the amount of my full pay just sorta calmed me down a little...yes...the salary. So I decided to just go through teh rest of the days of work left...which is currently like 4...I end on tuesday...and then it's freedom.

I've been seeing my baby at least once a week...and everytime he pampers me so much...haha...he keeps telling me 'baby hen2 teng2 ne2 de'...and I really like it. Sunday we just went walk walking around orchard...or more like heeren and cine...told him I missed him so much so he decided that we go out and walk together a bit before he went off with the canoeists to play a bit of LAN at the e-max.

Tomorrow is my off-day and there is dance...
more stretching...more hip-hop...sounds good to me....ciao!

It's finally friday!!! YAY!!!!
I never thought I could love friday more than i already did...
anyways...work today was ab-so-lute-ly horrible, horrendous, unbearable, insufferable, tortuous, unbearable...wait I already said that.
there was nothing to do...AT ALL...the lady in-charge of me didn't come...took an off-day and since I finished what she gave me yesterday (I mean...how long does it take you to file stuff???) I had nothing to do. SO I had such a hard time trying to make myself look busy in front of everybody in the office. I looked through all the 6 arch files to make sure all the right invoices were under the correct company and that didn't last long....went up and down looking for the missing invoices...completed 3...but I needed that lady to check what can be sent in the mail and what can't....so that was left somewhat undone. Luckily for me...these people hardly stay in the office much...so I was pretty much left to my own devices for quite sometime, which was good. I napped a bit too inbetween. Another good thing was this happened after lunch, so I only had like 3-4 hours left. I surfed around a bit...read blogs...and re-read a story online to save myself from the somewhat eternal boredom.

bussed home...which was rather long....bathed and played a little navyfield and now I am here. baby went to sleep at like 7.30...he's got some race tomorrow, oh well...the HUGE majority of the day was largely wasted, what with there nothing to do, when I could have just stayed at home and rest, me being sick since wednesday.

Speaking of wednesday, that day was well spent...
morning was with baby...had lunch, then dance...auditions went better than the last one, however being selected is another story altogether. After that went to watch GoF with my baby...it would have been a rather good movie for those who've read the book, I mean they would be able to connect stuff pretty well, just anticipating what the director's vision would be in the next scene. However it lacked much coherence as I said before, it would be good for those who have read the book; one particular scene I remember would be the quidditch world cup...I mean after introducing all the playes...the movie just jumped to after the match had been played...baby got a bit lost. But then again, the books are getting longer and longer, stretching into hundreds of pages... and it gets harder and harder to squeeze significant content within a 3 hour slot. The effects and drama pretty much made up for what it lacked...so it was still rather good in the end. We went to eat dinner together and then baby sent sick ol' me home.

The pass few days has just been the usual which is work and work has been the usual...haha..
anyway, baby has been spending time with me..so my world is preeeeeeetty good now..haha
Sunday was like a whole day out...

we went out to buy mei mei a present for her birthday which was actually on saturday... baby met me after church and then we bussed to orchard and went bear hunting, cos mei mei wants a bear...yeah.
we were in centrepoint at first...but as usual all the stuff like this come at a rather "reasonable" price there.
got a bit demoralised so we decided to go eat...I had my pi dan zhou which i haven't had in a while and baby had duck rice...i took or rather he gave me some duck and i took some sauce from him and as well as a little of his soup. somehow duck soup always has this rather tangy and yet has a tinge of a metallic taste...don't really know how to describe it...it just has a rather distinct taste for it.

walked to PS dropped in on some stores to stare at things i like and can't take home with me without feeling the burn in my pocket. reached PS and then we decided since we had time to kill we'll walk all the stores we find interesting. Baby and I rather liked one...haha...more for what was in the display window. It was one of those stores where they sell house accessories like doorknobs, occasionally bathroom fixtures...what we saw was a sink cum aquarium...haha. baby was especially fascinated by it...it had the basic functions of a sink with faucet and drain....but the part which holds the basin of the sink was just hollow and converted into a fish tank. It was so pretty...haha...baby loves fish (as in live ones...) so I told him if we could have one next time, if he wanted a fish tank and it wouldn't take up too much space in the house. However I felt that the fish would have a rather terrifying time, maybe traumatising would be a better word...what with all the spitting into the sink, esp all the scrubbing of the sink when it needs cleaning, all this would be rather detrimental for the fish in it.

Walked on somemore and we saw a prospective present, a cow...it was cuddly enough for mei mei to hug...so KIV...walked somemore and saw this store with this SUPER cute bear...haha...but more expensive. now this store had some rather interesting products...haha...what with all the kinky stuff...like blow-up dolls which according to their instructions members of the opposite sex could use as a bathe tub companions haha...we then decided on the bear since mei mei wanted a one.

heehee...walked around somemore...walked back to orchard until we decided to go home...haha and then baby went to changi to meet his parents...t'was a good day and mei mei loves her bear... =) she takes it everywhere around the house with her except to bed and to dinner...haha...

I can't wait t o watch GoF...omg...haha...everyone tells me tom felton looked so hot in it...haha..esp all the suits for the yule ball..yum yum...i wonder how baby would look like in one of those...could he look anymore delicious than he already does...haha...there's dance tomorrow..yay!! Ciao reader...

well...project work is gone and now I've started working...

to comment, I somehow have started to dislike the job...I was rather indifferent to it at first, after all I have worked in an office before. The first day was pretty olright...i mean i was new, so no one really paid any attention to me...more like they just wanted to leave me to my own stuff. but this little 'ignore-the-part-timer' thingie just irks me. I mean...these people don't even talk to me in the face, refuse to make eye contact with me and ignore my presence...not like i demand that they give some undivided attention but at least a decent amount of it for an average person. I just go there...sit in my little (actually rather big chair...) type, type and type...file and file stuff...and the others just talk to each other in hokkien at the other end of the room. like wtf??? the whole day for 9 hours, that's how it goes...plus my back aches for some unknown reason, no matter how i sit in that chair. I'd rather do some waitressing job...i mean i dunno, service industry...people would most probably have at least some amout of SOCIAL skill and possible for them to speak ENGLISH, perhaps even a little friendlier. plus i'll probably be able to walk around instead of just sitting in a chair, typing ceaselessly with a tired back.

Anyway...the last week ended rather well...

baby took me out for dinner on friday...we went to fish & Co. ... at jurong point since it was rather convenient for both of us. We ordered calamari and swordfish collar so we could share...sat on the outside of the restaurant, it was like some balcony thingie...so it was nice, air-con gets too cold for me nowadays...so it was just nice and although the scenery was basically HDB flats with lights coming from windows...it was rather okay. I enjoyed it so much...haha...after that we just walked around jurong point aimlessly...i just like doing that, as in the walking around thingie...especiallysince I'm saving for now. after that he took 174 home with me, well almost...we just sat and talked on the bus.

sunday, we just went for lunch and spent a large amunt of the day exploring the new national library...looking at newspapers...he telling me about soccer, looking at diving mags...haha...then we went to explore the reference section...the video rooms, microfilm, and all kinds of books with strange titles, things you never thought could be in a book and in a library and strange titles and stuff...after that we just went home...the week ended pretty well for me...wish i could have more of this haha...

dance starts wednesday, finally some essence of activity!!

I'm the hottest thing in these streets...

today was rather good....
I pretty much just lazed around with op nagging on my mind...
church was okay...they had this really sweet choco fudge thingie at the refreshment table...yum yum...haha...after that went to that good peranakan restaurant which baby recommended last week to mummy. aunts thought it was pretty good, so i guess it is.

the day was quite boring actually, i know op is tomorrow, but i'm not really sure what i should actually do for it, as in...practicing is pretty much done...so i was just reading the script i wrote out..hopefully everythng goes well. i'm aiming for a 5-5 or a 5-4 at least...problem is projecting my voice. when i speak at the appropriate pace, i just suddenly become real soft...when i'm loud enough, i talk fast...so i've seriously got to figure this out...and fast.

gonna spend some quality time with my baby tomorrow...i'm happy...it's been a while since we have. he being real busy...i try to understand. however there are the times where i just become damn bitchy and insist on him being there. I dunno, for me i kinda need physical reassurance, like hugs, words...eh...do not really suffice, but i'm trying to make do with it all. I hope he understands me too.

going to need to head out to do pw...op's on monday...It's good it's early, cause I can get it done and over with, but can I say....too early. I just feel that there are so many things to do, too many loose ends...oh well.

oh yeah...my aunties are down and they brought a lot of stuff with them as usual, went into m'sia hari raya to go shopping and eat too...and

I CUT MY HAIR!!!!!

haha....like finally...after what...3 months???? baby thinks I look like a guy...haha...yesterdays pw was rather good...i think my group has improved way a lot and kudos to them all. I really hope things go well on monday and yeah...it happens just as I planned and hoped it would be.

Stayed behind yesterday to wait for my baby and his interview and then he came and played CS on arson's comp for a while...haha...omg...i swear, i love my baby so much, he's so good at everything...a person like that should be banned from earth...haha...the more i see, the more perfect he seems...haha...okay enough of that. Went for the interview and i had the uncontrollable urge to go SOMEWHERE but as usual we both didn't know where...and once again we were limited to my baby's schedule. In the end we ended up and clementi interchange...i dunno, we just sat on the 156 and it just went. It was a good time, although we didn't manage to do a lot of things...I thought the bus ride was good, i mean we haven't done it for quite a while...i miss it. baby headed of to NUS and I home...and to do my I&R...that piece of shit took me damn long...i just do not have a proper CLUE as to what exactly i'm supposed to do...haix...gtg eat my bf and then head out to sch...tata!!!

it's a double holiday this week...just that there's a break in between the holidays...causing a break in the holiday momentum, which I so dislike.

today has been rather productive...i mean for project work, we managed to do a lot of things. practice and improve the op and do the group presentation as well. I really hope everything works out okay, I mean the remark miss koh made about how it was so hard to even make it to meeeting expectations...it's just demoralising. maybe saying it much earlier might have been a much greater help for all of us. but i seriously have no idea why they had to moderate it until even average achievement is so hard to attain. some teachers might say that it's not impossible, but you know what that's not the point.

enough about ptoject work...it's seriously driving me crazy. i feel that i can't get my mind of it. got this interview for being a facilitator for orientation next year. I want that to work out too...i feel that i should not have much of a problem with it...but it's not wrong to have a few reservations i guess. chinese 'A's are also over...i can't say how bad it was...i mean wtf....why the hell did i study all that shit inside that file for...i mean not even a single word came out from there. why did i spend so much time writing those word, getting all worked up about how i may forget how to write it or that i might forget it's meaning? all unneccessary worrying, because it pretty much came to naught, and i guess the 'A' is as far away as the horizon is from the beach. excuse my french.

baby's gone home...I've been feeling quite upset. I dunno, i mean i feel so pathetic that i keep wanting some attention from him during this period of time. He wants to play soccer; i don't say anything, want to go play LAN; i don't say anything, wants to go home first; i know he's tired so I don't make any remarks about it. I don't want to be demanding and force him to spend time with me or make him wait fo me when he's so tired and i don't want to keep him from his friends so....yeah...he's also got so much stuff to do, so i try to understand...so i try not to demand too much, i don't want to push him away by making him do things he doesn't want to do....so i usually let him have his way. I guess i just need some reassurance and maybe words across the phone are not good enough for me, i don't know...but what i do know is i just need a hug...it somehow always seems to make things feel or seem better. do i have to pay him to give me one? would extorting one work?

maybe once i get used to not having him around, everything would be much better, but wouldn't that spell trouble? i have no idea, hopefully this whole thing turns out for the better. I don't want to loose my independence in this relationship, more importantly i don't want to loose myself in it and forget who i am...maybe i'm becoming too dependent on him? we've somehow run out of stuff to do, stuff to talk about out, places to go;we usually just end up with quite an amount of tension deciding...it just seems to be getting all weird...all we seem to talk about is games, school, do you miss me, do you love me...blahblah...nothing else much. is it wrong to say I'm a bit worried?

maybe we started off too early, maybe we don't know each other as well as i should or maybe we don't know each other as well as we think we do. somehow i'm very afraid that he didn't know what he was getting himself into, and now that he does....he might not be able to take the emotional baggage that is me and decide to pack up and leave. i'm gonna play some NF and not think about this and maybe if i can bring my emotional drive down a notch or more, this would solve itself...for better or for worse...

I'm drowning in PW...it's absolutely taking over my life. Had the dry run for OP and needless to say it was horrible, nwevousness I hope...and I hope it's not us. anyway...yeah, spent some time with my baby, his physics olympiad didn't go too well yesterday...haha..but he's okay with it. He's still got chemistry olympiad anyway, he should do well for it...and there's still that exchange programme he's going to be doing for the school, which he'll be away for like 10 days. my busy little boy...haha...feeling good about it and a little selfish. selfish because he's not going to be spending a lot of time with me during the school hols...oh well...I don't know. an

anyway baby and I were talking today about hamsters...haha...weird right...okay, at least I think it was weird. I mean talks about those little rodents??? anyway, it was rather weird, we were just talking about the hamster hibernating and I said what if the other hamster couldn't hibernate cos the other was snoring. Then we went on to picking on their small minds....like if you put two hamsters on two different wheels facing each other..they'd be wondering why they never met....haha...the wheel came up because baby said I needed to go exercise. Then we said something about, hjamster wheel 3000...haha...instead of playstation, they'd either have hamster station or wheel station...haha...it was so funny just sitting there talking about it. he's going to play LAN tomorrow with his classmates, so I guess I'll be heading home alone after chinese....I still have the stupid I&R to do and dinner to eat...tata.

today's been extremely good...just sitting at home...play a little computer, study a bit of chinese, watch some good television and just talk to my baby. We're back to normal...okay, maybe normal isn't the word...more like we've patched up, and it sure feels good..haha...I guess the good thing is we patch up fast. Need to sort out my I&R though...I'm drowning in project work....I seriously want it to go well, especially the oral presentation.

I actually need to do some work during the hols...my physics needs a real lift and I need to refresh my knowledge on chem, haha...it being my bestest subject and all. I guess this is year isn't so bad after all..haha...looking back on it..baby made it all so good. I'll think about this later, not forgetting I still need to be working haha...hmmm.

I'm up at 8, just couldn't sleep...which is unusual or more like eccentric for me, I've become so tired recently...I mean I absolutely shouldn't be up at this time.

I just hate it when we quarrel...it's happening more often than usual. Just that they don't last long...their usually short and brief. Whatever it is, it's got me going. I feel worried. Insecure. Vulnerable.

I don't know...I just got frustrated with the damn game last night which sorta set things off...he hung up... and I continued playing and 10.30 called him again. He didn't sound too happy, I won't blame him for that but the monotony in the tone...just put me in a bad mood. Yeah, he says he was just saying 'hello' nicely...he always says it like that...liar. Let me just say if you're not lying to me about it....then you better fucking swear by it if you have the guts, don't come and tell me shit like 'I'm switching to speaker phone'. If I had a penny every time you said 'hello' like that I'd be in poverty...SERIOUSLY.

I just lay in bed thinking of a lot of things last night after he hung up. Maybe I started imagining things, maybe insecure perhaps....I know he's busy and all that, he keeps telling me all this stuff the school's offering him, I've been trying to keep the envy at bay and I'm sincerely happy for him...but lately he just seems disinterested, okay maybe not disinterested...maybe sorta can't be bothered with me a little. I come down to his class in the morning as usual, and he'll see me...put on the happy little cute face that I love...and then I'll sit next to him and then he'll just go and talk to his classmates. I can handle that as long as he doesn't forget that I'm there. I usually just end up going back to class later, at least when I go back to class people there talk to me. I mean after all, so what if everyone knows me in his class, SO WHAT!!!! They're not exactly people who I TALK to very much. I seriously don't mind coming downstairs, but maybe YOU just shouldn't leave me hanging there. I mean, you make me look like a moron, okay, more like an idiot! Yesterday, I was looking at this board outside the pe room and then he just suddenly walked off to the soccer court without saying anything, I intended to follow but decided against it. I don't know why...It's not like I'm expecting him to tell me wherever he's going, just that if we are anywhere together, at least if he's going to break off and go somewhere else then at least tell me. Please, I do that with my friends...it's like common courtesy...you don't just leave someone hanging like that it not only hurts the person's feelings and it's damn rude too.

He's better in a lot of things than I am, I seriously have a hard time keeping up, but I don't make noise about it. Sure I whine about my grades and stuff, and all the stuff like that, somehow I feel he doesn't think very much of me, in terms of of intelligence. He keeps telling me things like' you're smart...you're not stupid', now I wonder how much of this is true. I seriously hope he doesn't just thinking that he just picked up this "bimbo" to pass the time or boost his ego. I don't mind if he's happy he's beaten me in all my grades, because he just IS smarter than me no matter what...but I wish he'd just think about some things he says. I mean like the way he judged my written report...'I'll bet it's in a mess'...I DON'T CARE if he was saying that it reflects the lousy teacher that I have...I'M DOING IT...so I would damn well appreciate it if YOU have some FUCKING COMFIDENCE IN ME, which I seriously doubt you do. The times when he says, 'I knew you couldn't do it' or 'I knew you wouldn't get it' like yeah, that ab-so-lute-ly shows the GIGANTUOUS amount of confidence you have in me. I mean come on...I never said anything like that to you about GP, 'haha...I knew you wouldn't be able to do this question'. Maybe you don't know me well enough to know that I'm quite sensitive to things like that.

what happened to I'll run the race with you? you push me, I'll push you? It just seems like you left me for dead and sped on ahead, like I was some burden to you for the past 7 months and 6 days. Somehow I feel that we work better apart; no pressure from you and I'l be of no hindrance to you, than if we were to work together. I once asked a question...'do you think we're invincible together?'...perhaps I got the answer but I chose not to hear it? I know you're busy, I understand, since when have I not? since when have I not given you the space you wanted? I'm not saying I'm the perfect girlfriend, neither do I think that I've been a bad one. I'm not here to put the blame on anyone, but if it makes you feel any better my baby, it was my fault, I started the fight last night and I'm sorry. What about the rest?

My Tragic Flaw

by Ephram Brown

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

the promo results are out, the eagerness and anxiety to know what a years work has been worth is gone. For some it is somewhat the end of the line; seeing as they cannot promote, for some people like me, there is the disappointment of not getting what I wanted. I guess if I think about it...I've not really been spoilt in life, with the exception that I have parents, a roof over my head and all that stuff...but in terms of grades I've always got what I wanted till recently.

I will admit that I have high expectations, but are they unrealistic? To me, an A is not hard to get, and when I do the paper, it's like I feel that I've gotten it. However, it just never appears, if it does...it somehow reflects or at least I have the impression that I am just mediocre. I have always had this great dream, vision, whatever you call it, that I'll be amazing and do amazing things, like be super successful, and be rich or something...but the numbers and alphabets just seem to push it farther and farther away. you may think I'm just stupid or myopic to think a couple of numbers and alphabets should define my future and what I may end up like, but I suppose they have a rather profound impact on a person like me. They just drive me absolutely crazy, no one or at least few look at the jump you made or the work put in...they just want the story short and sweet . It is true what I said in a previous post, improvement is often ignored or overlooked by the disappointment we experience, I guess for me...it would be the hardest thing to overcome.

this overwhelming urge and compulsion to do well may well have its negative effects, I'm so scared what I may become or how I would change should this persist...but somehow I just can't stop it. I have NO idea how it progressed to such a stage...it absolutely baffles me...is there something wrong with me? or is it just that I'm overreacting? I don't know...

Baby's doing so well that I am immensely proud of him and of the niche he made for himself in CJC, despite the fact of him being in a place where he knew very few of the people. All the competitions, grades and programmes he's been selected for...I just can't help being proud that I have such an amazing boyfriend...haha...I mean seriously, I never thought I'd be so lucky as to find someone like him. However there's always the 'but'....the envy I experience whenever he tells me all this stuff...its like my dream just superimposed itself onto him, like I dunno...he got to it first before I did, so I'm like the loser in the race or something or I'm just fated to be just like those parents who have to watch their children become what they always wanted to be, but in this case...I'm watching the person I love and admire so much live out what I always wanted to be. I keep telling myself things like 'I just have to work harder', 'I just take a little longer to get there...but eventually I WILL get there and when I do, I would shock the world' after all this time, I have started to doubt how truth there is in those to sentences. I just keep thinking that I am the only one who can help myself out of this rut...and this is just one DAMN long road that I may just feel like not wanting to get up anymore and just set up camp there for the next few decades.

I want my turn....

We're taught to remember only the significant moments – the rites of passage. In truth, the smallest steps that get us to these momentous occasions are just as significant. Looking back, we see it's not just the high points, but the low points that also define who we are and who we will become.
-EVERWOOD, "Your Future Awaits"

I'm really busy now, multi-tasking...haha...
yakking on the phone with my baby, eating dinner and blogging...
baby got me to download this game, and I'm currently hooked...not that deep yet,just the excitement of wanting to get home and grab my father's comp and start playing...cos my home comp is STUPID!! the monitor is out cold...

anyway, the past 2 days was just post-exam enrichment activities...never liked why they called it that...it just sounds so educational, if you get my drift. Wouldn't games day be so much easier to say? first day our class played handball...that was the best...haha...we practically owned everyone...trashed all of them, the biggest win being 6-0...kudos to the guys and their wonderful basketball skills, which are just absolutely amazing. The goal-keeping by cumar, tyrik and ashley was superb too. Tyrik and cumar were a surprise...I mean tyrik is like damn skinny, to think he could defend such a goal post...haha...and not get smashed in...cumar...I mean that was just a surprise. ashley and his header-goalkeeping during the girl's games.

today was just captain's ball and frisbee. captain's ball started out well, but then the walkover by t28 didn't go well, but it was a good fight, especially by t28. wandered around after that, went to see my baby play touch rugby and walked somemore, and then I got roped in for frisbee...which was the last game. We won that by 2 but that was just for fun. baby didn't win his touch rugby, his class got second...I still love you...haha. bussed to papa's office where baby and I spent time together, watched iRobot and then read books for a while and napped at the table. baby looks so sweet when he sleeps...haha...so peaceful..I just like to watch...I dunno. baby went home at 5.30 while I stayed on and continued to read my book, nap, and talk to my baby somewhere in that time frame.

It was a good day, I liked it quite some, with the exception of having to be under the sun the whole time...my FACE is ab-so-lute-ly red! I mean, no matter how much I seek for the shade or hide from the sun, it somehow manages to get me...it's rays somehow manage to seep through the gaps of shelter and get me... =( ...I don't want to be red anymore and I DON'T WANT TO PEEL...NONONO!!!

Dreams are our world turned upside down. Gravity, logic, time rendered meaningless. The world of dreams is not our world. Although, at the dead of night, it attempts and deceives. Daring us to see the difference.

This is what makes dreams so dangerous.
-EVERWOOD, "The Day is Done"


okay...promos are like officially over...YAY!!
I must say, this stretch does feel good...haha...I guess God has helped me significantly, so I thank him for walking through this and enabling me to do my best, I just have a good feeling about this. I hope I'm right...
Anyway, had so much fun today....haha...after physics, went for NE and current affairs quiz, not much of a difference from the mid-year...haha. after that met my baby and joined sean and lisa for lunch, and this was the good part...haha...somehow a couple of the canoeists came to join us and we ended up talking about stuff, girls and boys...being crude here and there, talking about stuff like how guys screw with each other in the toilet, haha...omg....it was just laughing and laughing...and to think we were sitting so near a group of teachers....haha. I like stuff like this, it's like talking with the girls back in IJ just for laughs, just that this time the majority are guys. I miss it...

CJC open house...well, it's impending...somehow I really have NO IDEA why any of the IJ girls would want to come here, here as in CJ...maybe it's because, the mindset of CJC being a safety net for all catholic schools is still there so there's no need to come to a place where you'll end up in anyway, or maybe I'm jusy not very proud of where I come from.
Perhaps I don't think anyone would come here due to the class I came from, I mean triple science people usually wouldn't think of coming to CJC, most of the people from my class in sec 4 wanted so much to go to VJ, HC, RJ, some NJ...nothing less than that. For us to even speak of going to CJC was like taboo. I even still recall people saying, that it was alright if they didn't make the mark, they'll just go to CJ and then go from there, like CJC was like a stepping stone, or like some rite of passage to a better life, out of poverty.
I guess I am proud that CJC is coming up slowly, however some or a large majority of the public just doesn't see that. They have chosen to stay in the time where CJC was the dumping ground for those who were desperate to get into a JC and the one with the highest abortion rate (although that was like eons ago...). Reality only seems to hit them when the qualify for a JC but can't get into CJC...my little sister has just realised that the cut-off point is going to be 11 when she graduates from IJ and even worries about qualifying. I'm not saying that everyone should go to CJC, but that I somehow cannot stay quiet when the sterotyped viewing of the dumping ground is brought up when people talk about JCs. To see improvements is often hard, people tend to see what's on the surface. Improvements are usually noticed when expectations are not met and yet they do not suffice, it just doesn't seem to ease the disappointment.
I guess if a person were to let go of predjudices, look deeper within and open our minds I think even a school like CJC ,with what we have, would even be able to measure up to a school like RJ, or hwa chong, even NJ. If a man is willing to help himsself, I am sure that god will help him, to have god on our side should count for something...haha...

Thank you to my baby for making this birthday so special to me....just to have you around makes me so happy. You make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world :)...haha...I hope that I would be able to spend the rest of my birthdays with you....muakz!! I love you!!!

Thanks trevin, jeanette, 'manda, nat, sheryl and my mummy for all the birthday wishes...they are all well appreciated, much love to you all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TREVIN!!!

I'm currently supposed to be on hiatus from all this blogging, but I'm taking a little break for now...hmmmmmmmm....and this relaxing thing is good, my body's been feeling so crammed up...it makes me want to stretch and stretch, maybe it's cause of the studying or something...I will need to motivate myself back to the books after dinner.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you’re so far away

But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

One cup of love
A dash of lust
A dash of mystery
One tablespoon of sweetness
One teaspoon of envy
One teaspoon of bitterness
1/2 cup of companionship

HAPPY SIXTH MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO MY BABY AND ME!
haha...
somehow that sounded a bit awkward to me...
seeing as I've never had anything to do with such a thing my entire lifetime till now.
The sixth months have been eventful...full of ups and downs like any normal relationship and as well as an emotional rollercoaster for the both of us.
One does not have to be compelled to have a boyfriend...I mean he/it (depending on how you view him) should not be a fashion accessory for you, I would not consider that a relationship, maybe more towards the lines of a compromise.
I'm not trying to perpetrate the ideas of the government 'get married, don't just have kids, have more than 3' or to tell you 'get a boyfriend' but I feel all that I have experienced in these six months are something I would not have been able to experience with my friends or family. It may seem the same, but as aways there's that element of uniqueness.
Through this time, you begin to realise that there isn't just one person anymore...there's 2 of you....so whatever strong desires of independence you have, much of that has to be left behind. Sure there are elements of independence, I mean you can't be together all the time, both parties must have be able to function alone to a certain extent, but now that there's 2 people now, there has to be an element of 'the other above self'. One thing that I'm constantly reminded of by my baby would be to take care of myself. At first i had thought that it didn't matter much, but then if you think again, it's not as simple as that. IF I were to fall ill, he would be affected too, worried and although its cliche, he would have to take care of me and if he were to fall ill, there would be no one to take care of either one of us. If I were feeling upset or one of us was, then both of us would be feel, in a way, inadequate, because no one likes to see anyone unhappy or sad and worst still, in my case, you just don't want to tell what's wrong, the other would just feel frustrated. There is a sort of realisation that whatever you do, you are accountable to your other.
2 people from 2 different backgrounds, would have different idealogies and ways of doing things. There are times when we should just accept the other parties way of doing things and there are times which we should just speak up and correct them and yet one should not become too critical of the other. open-mindedness comes into play as well. I have learned that we should not be closed to each other's suggestions, be it our attitude, academics or when just having fun and yet we should not be trying to turn the other party into an exact copy of yourself, just because you find the way they do things strange. At the same time we should maintain that sense of uniqueness from each other, so that both may have some sense of superiority from the other, and add some sense of balance to the relationship, opposites attract for the basic reason of making up for what the other party lacks.
Finding time to spend together is not easy to come by, being students our main job would be to study and get good grades and the curriculum in his case is rather heavy, so I think through the six months, time has been rather precious to both of us. Even little things like taking a bus home together, although it is rather short, we still do it and I think it helps in a way. I think I've learnt to treasure him more and as well as the time we have together.
There are a good deal of good stuff, but of course there's the disagreements. One being our schools, his being rather secular and mine religious-based...I get quite defensive about it cos different schools have different ways of doing things so and he and I are proud of where we come from, our heritage, both trying to outdo each other...but I've learnt to just let it go. I for one don't think it's very fair, I mean our schools have different ideals, and the way things are done is not exactly the same so, whenever he says something, I just dismiss it or try to refrain from commenting.
For me the issue on jealousy crops up here and thereonce in a while, maybe jealousy is too strong, envy perhaps? It's quite a change for me, other than my sec 3 & 4 class, I have not come across someone so close to me who is that smart. I'm pretty competitive, so yeah, it get's a bit demoralising as it progresses, but to turn it into motivation would be the best...haha...( baby are you reading this???). At the same time I'm so proud of him, somehow I feel a good sense of pride when people say I'm so lucky to have him....people tell me how smart he is, how he's so sweet to me and all that stuff...haha... I love my baby so much!

I got to make this quick...everwood's in 10 mins..
haha...
anyway hols are gonna be officially over in like 9 hours..
today's been good...I've just finished my written report which is due tomorrow...
mwahahaah...in the words of my baby "Ai am a genius..." haha...I fund my 300 words and not only that an extra 200 too
mwahaha...I love myself...haha
church was too long...talk about 2 hours...I wasn't paying attention to the sermon today...I just got restless...and the guy who led worship...I didn't like him...I mean he sounded lke miter wee..."tank you lod fur eberyting" "you are eberything" it was like that for half an hour...it was, let's just say i just wanted to laugh...haha...mummy didn't like him too I think. She kept furrowing her eyebrows and staring at him wih the look that sai "please stop"
haha...
lunch was at church, they had some buffet thingie for the 11th anniversary, it was good, I had my fill, but I didnt' have the cake...oh well just means less cream and fat for me...not so bad...
home I went, bathed, chat with my babay, did my pw and now I'm here. Going to watch everwood now...I shall start on Binomial. It's really hot today...
Ciao, dear reader.

holiday's have started...
there's the constant need and compulsion to study...
and there's the constant feeling of procrastination and sloth...
oh well...the past few days were wondefullt spent with my baby.
I screwed up the chinese paper...at least the zuo wen part mostly, needless to say it was horribly out of point seeing as I mistakenly interptretted a word. it's been getting like that quite often, I I seriously hope that it DOES NOY happen during the 'A's.
Been studying with my baby for the past 2 days, today was much more productive than the last....too many distractions that day, not that today didn't have it's fair share, what with all the cartoons and shows on TV plus my baby watching his soccer highlights and playing NBA on his PS2. but I think today was so much more productive. Baby's been making lunch too haha, just simple stuff, yesterday we had porridge with steam egg, while today I ate beehoon with some salmon and fish cake while baby had the leftovers of the porridge with the salmon and fish cake...haha....the salmon was absolutely lovely...dum di dum...haha..
I hope that you dear reader have also had a lovely day...

it's teacher's day...well technically it's not THE day but anyway....
today was half-day, actually only 2 hours of school...

I was swamped with the major question of the day from all the IJ girls
"are you going back?"
I have actually thought of the question, but everytime I think of it somehow I did not feel the compulsion or the, not say passion, but the desire to go back.

What does teacher's day mean, to me it would be someone who has made a great impact on my life as a knowledge giver, someone who has taght me what it means to live life. For me, I have yet to come across a teacher, in profession terms, who has taught me this. Although the teacher or teachers, in profession terms, who have left great impressions on me were my teachers in my time in Ascension Kindergarten and my time in IJ primary. Maybe it was because they were at the vital stages of my life, which is why they are remembered most, maybe it is because they were the ones who set the foundation of the life I lead now.
Somehow through the years I have been in school I have lost the passion for teacher's day, I would not say it is due to, what the people in"high" places say, a 'lousy' education, ABSOULUTELY NOT!! Call me biased but I would not send my danghter (should I have one...) anywhere else but IJ. I would probably blame myself for it... after the age of 10 I lost the passion to study, school became something which I was indifferent to, it was like a struggle to live. To study was not spontaneous, it became a great compulsion. Constant ramblings like "work hard, and you will achieve great things and then you can reap the fruits of your labour. Lead a comfortable life." or "When you're at the top, you can be anything you want." did not drive me at all, to me it was just painful. To me, it was all about the quantity; it was what mattered to me. but somehow I managed to always reach the top of the population, perhaps by a fluke...EM1, Science stream, Triple science, only to end up at the bottom of the best. I did not know what I wanted, I did not know where to go, where my passion was at and what I'm actually good in. I was solely society-driven, and I bet you are too. Triple science was considered to best, EM1 was considered the best, NJC and HCI was considered the best. Till today I feel like I walk through life aimlessly, no personal aim. I cannot answer simple questions like "who, dead or alive, would you like to meet face-to-face" or "Who would you like to have breakfast with?" because frankly I have yet to come across a person who would instill such a desire i me to so as I would WANT to meet them. I feel I have walked down the wrong path and I've gone so far down it I cannot re-trace my steps anymore.

After school, the students went to find the teachers, the SJI boys went back to SJI, IJarians to IJ and the list goes on, everyone to their respective alma maters. Someone asked me "are you going back?" "no" "I don't know if I should go back....maybe i should just go after all so many people are going" How many out of the say, hundred who went back to IJ or anywhere else thought that? Are we just going back there because everyone else is, because it is tradition or custom to do so, out of duty-sake, because if it is, I would boldly say that they are a bunch of hypocrites. To think that they go under the cover of good intentions just to make themselves guilt-free is just revolting. I as a person would find it appalling. To me, if you do not have the heart, don't force it, you would just hate doing it time after time, just like a drug would make you feel.

The reason I gave as to why I wasn't going back was "I have nothing to go back for." which is true, for with every year I just worked towards the end of the year, or the holidays, never once taking a glance at the process. I just took what was given to me, with no desire to see who gave it, just do what was required of me. When I thought about it, it was rather sad, sad that I had nothing to go back for, when so many people did. I wondered why is it I did not manage to obtain or have this feeling, or rather why I lost it through my time in the education system. I kept thinking about it...friends tried to coax me into going but I somehow just did not want to. I felt that I had lost something.

Truth be told I'm not happy with my life, most parts of it at least. I don't know why I'm in a JC...I guess it's because it's considered to be the better part of the education system. I don't why I chose to study science...I guess it's because I want to do medicine...and I want to do medicine because it's lucrative and I want something that is lucrative probably influnced by my current situation and my great desire for luxury and to give my parents a good life as well. Maybe it was due to this that I have not been able to find depth that education holds for a person.

I love music, that is the one thing i know. Anything to do with music I love. I love to dance, I could say that it's something, or one of the only things in my life that I find joy in, as well as piano. That was taken from me or maybe I robbed it off of myself without knowing. I feel that a large majority of my life has become everything that I hoped it would not be, I don't know why, but I feel it has been unfulfilling. If I could go back, I would not know what to change, because basically I don't know what i want.

It is sad that a large majority of us would never get to enjoy life to the fullest, get to do what we truly love or have to passion for and a larger majority would never be able to find this passion or love they desperately look or seek for and somehow no matter how i hoped i would never become the majority, I feel that it is somehow happening.

Today we danced our asses off on orchard road...
after 4 weeks of training...we finally got to show our stuff..
haha...
kudos to all the people who came down to support us outside taka...
and of course as well as to all 11 of us.
The trainings were hard
and it took immense amounts of time for us to move and groove as one...
but it all paid of in the end.
haha...somehow performing is what makes dance worthwhile
I mean the joy, happiness ,ecstacy that one get's when performing is contagious...
it's what makes dancing so enjoyable...
although you get so drained...the adrenaline just kicks in and you just feel so excited...haha....
I dunno, it's a feeling I hope to keep with me through my life...
the vivacity is what I wish to keep with me in all the ups and downs of my life.
I mean the aches, pains and incessant pratices are like the obstacles in life and how you try and try agian and again to reach the top and be the best of the ability and believe in yourself.
and I want to be able to look at what I've done and say THAT'S ME...ALL ME.
oh well, the day was just phenomenal.

thank you baby for coming down to support me...maybe one fine day I WILL be your xu sao...haha...and I'd love and hope to be with you every step of the way till the end of time...

I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes

Because you live, there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me
Always

My comp is finally back..and fully alive...muahahaha...
today was just sleep mode...so tired...
physics pract...mr wee talks too much sometimes...
chem test...I THINK it went well, the calculations killed me
break...spent time with my baby and sean and the incident...haha....that was amusing
chem lect...organic chem, too many things to remember
math...relaxing, nothing much to do....
GP...as usual mr hoi was fun, haha....let us off early too
went to the library to catch up on yesterdays and todays news..
then to dance...what can I say...it was good. cleaning up and polishing of steps and stuff...it was good, I mean you usual experience the adrenaline rush when you remember all the stuff, after that is just all about enjoying the whole thing...and of course making the steps just look so damn good haha....although sonia's part i still haven't caught on...but I will. haha...met my baby. baby went to TP interchange to top-up my ez_link for me and also brought along a whole packet of sweets for me, I thought it was sweet...no pun intended. then bussed home on 156. met my sis and yes, hence the presence of a lightbulb, but it's okay...haha...

baby: you don't need to do big things for me...but it's the small little things that make -up the big things
=)
baby loves you!! muakz!!

dance like no one's watching...

I'm still missing you
Like the storm misses the rain
Like a warm summers day
I'll be missing you always
I'm still breathing you
Like you're here in my arms
Like you're not even gone
Will I feel like this always?
Cause I'm still missing you...

It's a sunday and the weekend has flown by...
using my mum's comp cos my PC at home has gone into 'dead' mode....I mean like literally, it gives out this piercing 'beep' like a flat line in a hospital...
somehow the holidays are not enough...
somehow I have come to dread going to school, if not for my baby being there...
I was always rather indifferent towards going to school, as in I never hated it, never loved it...but now it's a totally different story.
even with the short week and stuff...I still feel so tired.
oh well, been preparing for tapestry, the busking thingamajig...being doubtful about my abilities in dancing. Seems to have been like that lately, doubting myself...especially since promos are coming...I have the fear there would be a replay of the mid-years and I'll be left behind. yeah...scared is how I've been feeling lately. I think I have yet to come to a point in life where I actually enjoy myself.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being.

The only thing I am confident in, is GP. Ssomehow we connect and I've managed to get the hang of it and I'm happy to where I've got. haha...although I don't score As for it...at least I'm happy with the pieces of work i submit and proud of it too.

today, was just church....then to market, to market, I went with my mummy and then for lunch I had ban mian again..haha...somehow it always tastes so good.....haha. Promos are soon to be here...so I need to be gone to study...

hold me close to you
never let me go...

Saw this quiz on jea's blog and decided to take it...I would say it's 95% accurate, maybe a little more...haha.
if you wanna take it you can go HERE. I'll just post my results...


Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophecy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

well....it's almost national day...
so I wish all Singaporeans a happy national day...
having lived here my entire life, I admit there are times that were unbearable...
times where I thought the grass is greener on the other side...
times when I just couldn't bear the way things are carried out and done in this place....
times when I just couldn't stand being associated with Singaporeans, what with all the attitude problems and horrendous english and what not...
you might as well be swearing and cursing me at your computer right now, I mean all this stuff wouldn't really affect me...I am Malaysian....
but then again, when you go across the causeway and you look around, you somehow start to appreciate what was on the other side. and when you watch the news, with people blowing up at different spots across the world, shooting each other and all that depressing stuff, one starts to look at this little island from a different point of view.
I guess I am lucky to be here.... =)

I feel I'm burning out...

it's friday...
TGIF...haha...
and I'm sitting here doing vocab, got so sick of flipping through the dictionary, so I decided to use the on-line one...see the wonders of technology. But then all this could lead to the extinction of books, because everything can be done on-line or at a computer with just a touch of a button, and maybe in the future we wouldn't even need ot to press a button. I for one think that books are timeless, there are very few things that can beat the enjoyment of just sitting in a quiet place with a good book...I mean imagine lugging that laptop, setting it down on the ground, open the laptop switch it on, wait for it to boot-up. wait. wait. wait. open the file or log-on to the internet and then sit yourself down and then start reading and scrolling. with a book all you have to do is sit down, open it and start reading. I'm thankful that my mother had instilled this reading habit, not many have adopted it and I really admire people who read widely, whatever the material. I hope i can do this for my children, if I ever have any.....haha...
I feel like eating ice-cream....
I'm so tired, I'm so happy I got all the projects out of the way, or at least the chem one and I no longer have to worry about the stupid PW for a while now.
anyway the day was slow moving....maybe it was because of the lack of sleep last night, but it did pass....ewnt for dance to learn the dance for the busking thingamajig. i caught on fast...so proud of myself. went home....bathed and started a little work and now I'm here.
going to eat dinner soon...
I wanna sleep...
I miss my baby...I wanna hug so bad...
oh well...there's still tomorrow...


us at the esplanade

it's wednesday....
yay!!!
just came back from dance...baby's still at training.
today was just today....nothing much...
3 hour block period for pw to complete the dreaded written report...which we didn't finish as much as I hoped we would. I dunno...maybe we shouldn't have taken such a long break or something, I for one that it was achievable to have it done by today. Anyway after that was gp mock....it was the most horrible piece of crap that I've ever written, I wouldn't be surprised if I fail or if I wrote out of point and I fail...it was just horrendous...I mean I couldn't think of anything to write and I was trying to breath through my nose, which was not very effective...cos it resulted in my mucus going down my bloody throat...which made me feel very uncomfortable and I had to clear my throat. I kept doing that like so many times....omg...it was the slowest moving ever piece of shit I wrote.
went for dance later...played games cos ryan was outta town and yeah...it was quite fun, a good productive seesion with, got to know more people and yeah....talked to more people, mixed around...so yeah...now I'm home...blogging...
I need to organise myself....what am I going to do about promos and tomorrow's math test and yeah....chem project, written report...omg...my brain is so damn swarmped...*whines*I need help...and I still sound like a duck...and as if a duick doesn't sound nasal enough I sound like a nasal duck...bleah!!!
I had the whole package for like 2,3 days....caught a cold at uncle wayne's wedding, actually it was pretty much imminent, but the coldness of the ballroom worsened my condition. It was absolutely terrible at least I felt absolutely terrible, and still having to drag myself to school too....haha...baby was so worried, he kept asking me to take my meds, lent me his jacket during lectures and stuff, and everytime I coughed he got so worried...and he came by my house after school to check on me, to see if I'm alright...I love my baby boy soooooooo much...haha. I just hope he didn't catch anything from me...

I love you so much baby...
thank you...

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything YOU do is beautiful
Everything YOU do is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

You and Me Lifehouse

it's saturday...yup!
and I woke up with a sore throat....
I'm trying to do the written report thingamajig por pw...which is slowly taking over my whole life....
as if that's not enough, there's still the chem project thingie on that stupid fish dying...I mean what lind of moron would put his fish in lab water. Even if it went through the best filter, I wouldn't put my pet fish in that water.
I'm at papa's office today.
The whole week has been rough, just so tired easily, esp mentally...i need a break so badly and I probably won't get one till the end of september...3months to go.
My mind is constantly worried about something...which makes me feel so tired...
I wanna go home...got some dinner tonight, so gotta dress up and go for it...and tomorrow will be church once more plus lunch with erika, which i am very much looking forward to. =)

it's sunday....
and in a flash just like that the weekened shall be over...
I wanna sleeeeeeeep, although I've sleeping a lot and early the past few days.....
I just need to sit and not worry about too many things..it's like millions, billions and gazillions of stuff runnning through my head, and there's this idea that there's no time left or something.
anyhow, today was church at 10...talked to my baby in the morning...haha...to hear his voice in the morning is just so nice. dum di dum...chruch was fine...the usual stuff....it wasn't too cold. I mean didn't bring a jacket, so it would make complete sense to sit under the air-conditioning instead of in it's direction wher it would blow all that cold wind into you.
Then we went to pizza hut in auntie rosanna's car to use up our $40 voucher we won during bible quiz. Her car is so cool, it's like got this electronic screen thingie on her dashboard and there's like a main menu and stuff. It also shows you how the car is aligned and stuff when you park, so you can see if it's a perfect park or if you're just plain lousy and stuff. If you've see something like that, then please don't tell me you have and let me bask in this moment of fascination if you might. ordered a nice set meal or 6 with soup, 2 pizzas, 2 pitchers of drink one beef lasagne and pasta...twas a good meal...we sat there for like 2 or 3 hours and talked about JC and stuff...
then went home, hung up the clothes, bathed and now I am doing my AQ on crime and punishment and will have to go out soon....dum di dum...

I miss people...and person too....

I'm pissed...although pissed would be kind of strong to be used in this case...and yet upset just doesn't cut it. I didn't want to say this because I thought it would be rather pointless, and I didn't see it's worth in me continuing the little debate
I'm going to be blatant about this.
I'm quite disappointed at what was said, I mean I least expected you to be the one to say such things. If you don't know anything about something...just keep your opinions to yourself. Although that may be a bit harsh. fine, you can have your own opinions but I'd appreciate it if don't judge somthing, that I would conclude that you have no understanding at all, on the basis of nothing.
I'm proud of where I come from, so i'm not from some top 10 school, like some rafflesian or NYGH, I for one thought you knew that.
Maybe it just that you never knew or that I never told you how proud I am to receive an IJ education. so we have certain ways we do things, maybe you wouldn't understand why we do it but yeah, just leave it at that. don't be judgemental about it, just like how I never criticised or said it was just stupid and a waste of time for chinese high to have given you all chinese cultural classes, and taught you guys malay instead of doing what most schools do, which is having DNT and home econs. after all you know what, I thought maybe home econs would be more practical and useful to you all instead of learning chinese culture.
Having those masses or rather short services during events such as during important stuff like the student leaders invest is so that we would be able to blessed and with the his help and guidance it aid us in our term of leadership. so you may say, so what if you pray to God, if all one had to do was to pray to god to be a good leader then we'd all be good leaders. It's not some catholic stuff thing and I'll just, say to me it's not a waste of time, even man needs to help of God.
why did you come back to cjc...you said it was because of me...are you still questioning, after all if you perceive all this stuff as a waste of time, well then I would say then quite a sum of your time is going to be so wasted. Then maybe you should have gone to aj...I would miss you a whole lot of course, but if it makes you feel any better at least your time won't be wasted and you can spend your time doing, what you perceive as, "less time wasting" things.
i admit IJ is not perfect, there are certain ways of doing things that are inefficient, but this is something you had no right in criticising and I would say that it was damn insenstive of you. I spent 10 years in IJ, I'm sentinetal about it, attached to it. Just like you are with chinese high...
maybe I'm overeacting, maybe I'll look back on this someday and think that i was being too defensive, but THIS is how I feel now...
I just never thought you'd say something like that. never.

Well hello there,we are at mid-week right now.
Today was just wei...I mean my baby was having his canoeing heats today, so he wasn't in school. The canoeists were all at MacRitchie. Even during assembly, sean wasn't the...so today felt a little weird.
Today's lessons seemed to be a little pointless, it seemed to drag on and on with no point whatsoever to fill up the void. Chine...what can I say; it's just never been serious. Although I felt that I should at least try not to sleep given that chen laoshi thinks well of me...I mean he just wouldn’t have given those 10 marks away for nothing and I didn’t want him, to think that he had misjudged me and that he’d given away those 10 marks FOC to an undeserving student.
Then came chem lect…it was just so hard to absorb and nod to yourself and say 'yes I understand'. I mean you sorta get it, but you just haven't fully grasped it, but you get the understanding behind it. However that just isn't enough to pull you through to promos. I don't even know what to do; at least I think I’ve done everything I could think of to score. Or maybe I'm just going about it the wrong way or something.
GP…went through the mid year compre for awhile. It's the only thing I can say I'm proud of this mid-year, I would say I tried very hard for this and I actually reaped what I sow...but there's always room for improvement. Not that I didn't try for the other subjects.
Break and then there was chem...going through mid year again. I dunno how I managed to screw up the only thing in town that I can actually confidently say I am capable of doing, no questions asked. Somehow everything wasn't quite on the spot, even if I did do quite a number of questions for my part.
Physics. I fell asleep again...I just have no fate with you…somehow I’m just no good at it, no matter how many questions I do. I just can't see the way through the forest. I always need someone (in this case, my baby…)to hold my hand and walk me through it, and then there's the point that someone can't always be there to hold your hand and walk you through it. I just can't figure it out...why can't I do it and it frustrates me helluva lot. I can do the easy questions and that's it...a lot of use that's going to be to me in the A levels.
Project work. I am just about clueless now about the written report as anyone else. I don't know what to put inside it, and I just don't get what that step-by-step paper is trying to say to me. It's just oh-so confusing and I'm at a lost, not forgetting the chem. project too.
Met lisa and we made our way to MacRitchie to see the guys. Didn't want to miss their race and I wanted to surprise my baby that I came to see him. He was just so upset last night that I didn’t wanna come. A pity it didn't work...oh well. Their event was quite late, but nevertheless it came…they didn’t come in top 3, but they finished the race and I'm proud of the 2 of them that at least they didn't give up halfway seeing more than half of the canoeists were in front of them. Talked to my baby for a while, then he was going to play LAN with the guys so I left for papa's office.
Baby came to see me later cos not enough people to go play...hmmmm...I miss his company so much, what with all the time he spent on training. Haha...I love the time we spend together, we can just sit in silence and be comfortable with everything. Baby left at 6 and now I’m still here. He's not coming to school again tomorrow, still got a couple of events for the others. Racial harmony day, dear lord please help me through til 4...

do you miss as much as I do...