it's teacher's day...well technically it's not THE day but anyway....
today was half-day, actually only 2 hours of school...

I was swamped with the major question of the day from all the IJ girls
"are you going back?"
I have actually thought of the question, but everytime I think of it somehow I did not feel the compulsion or the, not say passion, but the desire to go back.

What does teacher's day mean, to me it would be someone who has made a great impact on my life as a knowledge giver, someone who has taght me what it means to live life. For me, I have yet to come across a teacher, in profession terms, who has taught me this. Although the teacher or teachers, in profession terms, who have left great impressions on me were my teachers in my time in Ascension Kindergarten and my time in IJ primary. Maybe it was because they were at the vital stages of my life, which is why they are remembered most, maybe it is because they were the ones who set the foundation of the life I lead now.
Somehow through the years I have been in school I have lost the passion for teacher's day, I would not say it is due to, what the people in"high" places say, a 'lousy' education, ABSOULUTELY NOT!! Call me biased but I would not send my danghter (should I have one...) anywhere else but IJ. I would probably blame myself for it... after the age of 10 I lost the passion to study, school became something which I was indifferent to, it was like a struggle to live. To study was not spontaneous, it became a great compulsion. Constant ramblings like "work hard, and you will achieve great things and then you can reap the fruits of your labour. Lead a comfortable life." or "When you're at the top, you can be anything you want." did not drive me at all, to me it was just painful. To me, it was all about the quantity; it was what mattered to me. but somehow I managed to always reach the top of the population, perhaps by a fluke...EM1, Science stream, Triple science, only to end up at the bottom of the best. I did not know what I wanted, I did not know where to go, where my passion was at and what I'm actually good in. I was solely society-driven, and I bet you are too. Triple science was considered to best, EM1 was considered the best, NJC and HCI was considered the best. Till today I feel like I walk through life aimlessly, no personal aim. I cannot answer simple questions like "who, dead or alive, would you like to meet face-to-face" or "Who would you like to have breakfast with?" because frankly I have yet to come across a person who would instill such a desire i me to so as I would WANT to meet them. I feel I have walked down the wrong path and I've gone so far down it I cannot re-trace my steps anymore.

After school, the students went to find the teachers, the SJI boys went back to SJI, IJarians to IJ and the list goes on, everyone to their respective alma maters. Someone asked me "are you going back?" "no" "I don't know if I should go back....maybe i should just go after all so many people are going" How many out of the say, hundred who went back to IJ or anywhere else thought that? Are we just going back there because everyone else is, because it is tradition or custom to do so, out of duty-sake, because if it is, I would boldly say that they are a bunch of hypocrites. To think that they go under the cover of good intentions just to make themselves guilt-free is just revolting. I as a person would find it appalling. To me, if you do not have the heart, don't force it, you would just hate doing it time after time, just like a drug would make you feel.

The reason I gave as to why I wasn't going back was "I have nothing to go back for." which is true, for with every year I just worked towards the end of the year, or the holidays, never once taking a glance at the process. I just took what was given to me, with no desire to see who gave it, just do what was required of me. When I thought about it, it was rather sad, sad that I had nothing to go back for, when so many people did. I wondered why is it I did not manage to obtain or have this feeling, or rather why I lost it through my time in the education system. I kept thinking about it...friends tried to coax me into going but I somehow just did not want to. I felt that I had lost something.

Truth be told I'm not happy with my life, most parts of it at least. I don't know why I'm in a JC...I guess it's because it's considered to be the better part of the education system. I don't why I chose to study science...I guess it's because I want to do medicine...and I want to do medicine because it's lucrative and I want something that is lucrative probably influnced by my current situation and my great desire for luxury and to give my parents a good life as well. Maybe it was due to this that I have not been able to find depth that education holds for a person.

I love music, that is the one thing i know. Anything to do with music I love. I love to dance, I could say that it's something, or one of the only things in my life that I find joy in, as well as piano. That was taken from me or maybe I robbed it off of myself without knowing. I feel that a large majority of my life has become everything that I hoped it would not be, I don't know why, but I feel it has been unfulfilling. If I could go back, I would not know what to change, because basically I don't know what i want.

It is sad that a large majority of us would never get to enjoy life to the fullest, get to do what we truly love or have to passion for and a larger majority would never be able to find this passion or love they desperately look or seek for and somehow no matter how i hoped i would never become the majority, I feel that it is somehow happening.

Today we danced our asses off on orchard road...
after 4 weeks of training...we finally got to show our stuff..
haha...
kudos to all the people who came down to support us outside taka...
and of course as well as to all 11 of us.
The trainings were hard
and it took immense amounts of time for us to move and groove as one...
but it all paid of in the end.
haha...somehow performing is what makes dance worthwhile
I mean the joy, happiness ,ecstacy that one get's when performing is contagious...
it's what makes dancing so enjoyable...
although you get so drained...the adrenaline just kicks in and you just feel so excited...haha....
I dunno, it's a feeling I hope to keep with me through my life...
the vivacity is what I wish to keep with me in all the ups and downs of my life.
I mean the aches, pains and incessant pratices are like the obstacles in life and how you try and try agian and again to reach the top and be the best of the ability and believe in yourself.
and I want to be able to look at what I've done and say THAT'S ME...ALL ME.
oh well, the day was just phenomenal.

thank you baby for coming down to support me...maybe one fine day I WILL be your xu sao...haha...and I'd love and hope to be with you every step of the way till the end of time...

I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly, looking in your eyes

Because you live, there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me
Always

My comp is finally back..and fully alive...muahahaha...
today was just sleep mode...so tired...
physics pract...mr wee talks too much sometimes...
chem test...I THINK it went well, the calculations killed me
break...spent time with my baby and sean and the incident...haha....that was amusing
chem lect...organic chem, too many things to remember
math...relaxing, nothing much to do....
GP...as usual mr hoi was fun, haha....let us off early too
went to the library to catch up on yesterdays and todays news..
then to dance...what can I say...it was good. cleaning up and polishing of steps and stuff...it was good, I mean you usual experience the adrenaline rush when you remember all the stuff, after that is just all about enjoying the whole thing...and of course making the steps just look so damn good haha....although sonia's part i still haven't caught on...but I will. haha...met my baby. baby went to TP interchange to top-up my ez_link for me and also brought along a whole packet of sweets for me, I thought it was sweet...no pun intended. then bussed home on 156. met my sis and yes, hence the presence of a lightbulb, but it's okay...haha...

baby: you don't need to do big things for me...but it's the small little things that make -up the big things
=)
baby loves you!! muakz!!

dance like no one's watching...

I'm still missing you
Like the storm misses the rain
Like a warm summers day
I'll be missing you always
I'm still breathing you
Like you're here in my arms
Like you're not even gone
Will I feel like this always?
Cause I'm still missing you...

It's a sunday and the weekend has flown by...
using my mum's comp cos my PC at home has gone into 'dead' mode....I mean like literally, it gives out this piercing 'beep' like a flat line in a hospital...
somehow the holidays are not enough...
somehow I have come to dread going to school, if not for my baby being there...
I was always rather indifferent towards going to school, as in I never hated it, never loved it...but now it's a totally different story.
even with the short week and stuff...I still feel so tired.
oh well, been preparing for tapestry, the busking thingamajig...being doubtful about my abilities in dancing. Seems to have been like that lately, doubting myself...especially since promos are coming...I have the fear there would be a replay of the mid-years and I'll be left behind. yeah...scared is how I've been feeling lately. I think I have yet to come to a point in life where I actually enjoy myself.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being.

The only thing I am confident in, is GP. Ssomehow we connect and I've managed to get the hang of it and I'm happy to where I've got. haha...although I don't score As for it...at least I'm happy with the pieces of work i submit and proud of it too.

today, was just church....then to market, to market, I went with my mummy and then for lunch I had ban mian again..haha...somehow it always tastes so good.....haha. Promos are soon to be here...so I need to be gone to study...

hold me close to you
never let me go...

Saw this quiz on jea's blog and decided to take it...I would say it's 95% accurate, maybe a little more...haha.
if you wanna take it you can go HERE. I'll just post my results...


Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophecy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

well....it's almost national day...
so I wish all Singaporeans a happy national day...
having lived here my entire life, I admit there are times that were unbearable...
times where I thought the grass is greener on the other side...
times when I just couldn't bear the way things are carried out and done in this place....
times when I just couldn't stand being associated with Singaporeans, what with all the attitude problems and horrendous english and what not...
you might as well be swearing and cursing me at your computer right now, I mean all this stuff wouldn't really affect me...I am Malaysian....
but then again, when you go across the causeway and you look around, you somehow start to appreciate what was on the other side. and when you watch the news, with people blowing up at different spots across the world, shooting each other and all that depressing stuff, one starts to look at this little island from a different point of view.
I guess I am lucky to be here.... =)

I feel I'm burning out...

it's friday...
TGIF...haha...
and I'm sitting here doing vocab, got so sick of flipping through the dictionary, so I decided to use the on-line one...see the wonders of technology. But then all this could lead to the extinction of books, because everything can be done on-line or at a computer with just a touch of a button, and maybe in the future we wouldn't even need ot to press a button. I for one think that books are timeless, there are very few things that can beat the enjoyment of just sitting in a quiet place with a good book...I mean imagine lugging that laptop, setting it down on the ground, open the laptop switch it on, wait for it to boot-up. wait. wait. wait. open the file or log-on to the internet and then sit yourself down and then start reading and scrolling. with a book all you have to do is sit down, open it and start reading. I'm thankful that my mother had instilled this reading habit, not many have adopted it and I really admire people who read widely, whatever the material. I hope i can do this for my children, if I ever have any.....haha...
I feel like eating ice-cream....
I'm so tired, I'm so happy I got all the projects out of the way, or at least the chem one and I no longer have to worry about the stupid PW for a while now.
anyway the day was slow moving....maybe it was because of the lack of sleep last night, but it did pass....ewnt for dance to learn the dance for the busking thingamajig. i caught on fast...so proud of myself. went home....bathed and started a little work and now I'm here.
going to eat dinner soon...
I wanna sleep...
I miss my baby...I wanna hug so bad...
oh well...there's still tomorrow...


us at the esplanade

it's wednesday....
yay!!!
just came back from dance...baby's still at training.
today was just today....nothing much...
3 hour block period for pw to complete the dreaded written report...which we didn't finish as much as I hoped we would. I dunno...maybe we shouldn't have taken such a long break or something, I for one that it was achievable to have it done by today. Anyway after that was gp mock....it was the most horrible piece of crap that I've ever written, I wouldn't be surprised if I fail or if I wrote out of point and I fail...it was just horrendous...I mean I couldn't think of anything to write and I was trying to breath through my nose, which was not very effective...cos it resulted in my mucus going down my bloody throat...which made me feel very uncomfortable and I had to clear my throat. I kept doing that like so many times....omg...it was the slowest moving ever piece of shit I wrote.
went for dance later...played games cos ryan was outta town and yeah...it was quite fun, a good productive seesion with, got to know more people and yeah....talked to more people, mixed around...so yeah...now I'm home...blogging...
I need to organise myself....what am I going to do about promos and tomorrow's math test and yeah....chem project, written report...omg...my brain is so damn swarmped...*whines*I need help...and I still sound like a duck...and as if a duick doesn't sound nasal enough I sound like a nasal duck...bleah!!!
I had the whole package for like 2,3 days....caught a cold at uncle wayne's wedding, actually it was pretty much imminent, but the coldness of the ballroom worsened my condition. It was absolutely terrible at least I felt absolutely terrible, and still having to drag myself to school too....haha...baby was so worried, he kept asking me to take my meds, lent me his jacket during lectures and stuff, and everytime I coughed he got so worried...and he came by my house after school to check on me, to see if I'm alright...I love my baby boy soooooooo much...haha. I just hope he didn't catch anything from me...

I love you so much baby...
thank you...

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything YOU do is beautiful
Everything YOU do is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

You and Me Lifehouse