Monday, December 18, 2017

emotional, logical turmoil

So many conflicting emotions.

I say so many things but emotionally, it takes quite a bit of convincing...ok, maybe a lot. This frustrates me and makes me think I'm becoming someone that is quite bitter and jealous. I have not really been charting these moods to see if they coincide with the monthly visits. Although, I do get more irritable and have a very short fuse just before and in the early parts.

I try very much to be independent, wanting to be like those couples who are successful and strong together as well as apart. Right now, there's that can of worms to define what is "successful". Maybe something I need to see to know? I always say things like using this time when we are young to explore all sorts of things e.g. travel for work, work hard, travel more because when we are young that is when you have the energy to do so and it's the time to build up your career. Then when it really happens I feel neglected, tied down etc. which is like, make your mind the fuck up. What the hell do you want? Needless to say, this confuses Ben a whole lot. Totally mixed signals, cos the logical part of my mind is totally just 'eye-rolling' at my emotional part.

I like to help people but sometimes I feel taken advantage off, but am I? Or am I being unreasonable? Again, there's the monthly visit issue that clouds my self-assessment. After getting quite upset and judgmental, I almost always doubt my right to be. I mean we should not judge, none of us are perfect and I know that I am far from it. Also, the idea that I am more responsible, more sensible and overall a better person is where the emotions stem from and it is something that I need to curb. Not too sure if voicing it out and talking about it makes any difference because Ben does not seem to help settle these emotions. Maybe I have not found the right person to discuss this with or maybe I just cannot accept it. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to stop or resolve these feelings, because I might end up saying/doing something that I might regret. Wish someone could tell me/show me what to do.