I'm drowning in PW...it's absolutely taking over my life. Had the dry run for OP and needless to say it was horrible, nwevousness I hope...and I hope it's not us. anyway...yeah, spent some time with my baby, his physics olympiad didn't go too well yesterday...haha..but he's okay with it. He's still got chemistry olympiad anyway, he should do well for it...and there's still that exchange programme he's going to be doing for the school, which he'll be away for like 10 days. my busy little boy...haha...feeling good about it and a little selfish. selfish because he's not going to be spending a lot of time with me during the school hols...oh well...I don't know. an

anyway baby and I were talking today about hamsters...haha...weird right...okay, at least I think it was weird. I mean talks about those little rodents??? anyway, it was rather weird, we were just talking about the hamster hibernating and I said what if the other hamster couldn't hibernate cos the other was snoring. Then we went on to picking on their small minds....like if you put two hamsters on two different wheels facing each other..they'd be wondering why they never met....haha...the wheel came up because baby said I needed to go exercise. Then we said something about, hjamster wheel 3000...haha...instead of playstation, they'd either have hamster station or wheel station...haha...it was so funny just sitting there talking about it. he's going to play LAN tomorrow with his classmates, so I guess I'll be heading home alone after chinese....I still have the stupid I&R to do and dinner to eat...tata.

today's been extremely good...just sitting at home...play a little computer, study a bit of chinese, watch some good television and just talk to my baby. We're back to normal...okay, maybe normal isn't the word...more like we've patched up, and it sure feels good..haha...I guess the good thing is we patch up fast. Need to sort out my I&R though...I'm drowning in project work....I seriously want it to go well, especially the oral presentation.

I actually need to do some work during the hols...my physics needs a real lift and I need to refresh my knowledge on chem, haha...it being my bestest subject and all. I guess this is year isn't so bad after all..haha...looking back on it..baby made it all so good. I'll think about this later, not forgetting I still need to be working haha...hmmm.

I'm up at 8, just couldn't sleep...which is unusual or more like eccentric for me, I've become so tired recently...I mean I absolutely shouldn't be up at this time.

I just hate it when we quarrel...it's happening more often than usual. Just that they don't last long...their usually short and brief. Whatever it is, it's got me going. I feel worried. Insecure. Vulnerable.

I don't know...I just got frustrated with the damn game last night which sorta set things off...he hung up... and I continued playing and 10.30 called him again. He didn't sound too happy, I won't blame him for that but the monotony in the tone...just put me in a bad mood. Yeah, he says he was just saying 'hello' nicely...he always says it like that...liar. Let me just say if you're not lying to me about it....then you better fucking swear by it if you have the guts, don't come and tell me shit like 'I'm switching to speaker phone'. If I had a penny every time you said 'hello' like that I'd be in poverty...SERIOUSLY.

I just lay in bed thinking of a lot of things last night after he hung up. Maybe I started imagining things, maybe insecure perhaps....I know he's busy and all that, he keeps telling me all this stuff the school's offering him, I've been trying to keep the envy at bay and I'm sincerely happy for him...but lately he just seems disinterested, okay maybe not disinterested...maybe sorta can't be bothered with me a little. I come down to his class in the morning as usual, and he'll see me...put on the happy little cute face that I love...and then I'll sit next to him and then he'll just go and talk to his classmates. I can handle that as long as he doesn't forget that I'm there. I usually just end up going back to class later, at least when I go back to class people there talk to me. I mean after all, so what if everyone knows me in his class, SO WHAT!!!! They're not exactly people who I TALK to very much. I seriously don't mind coming downstairs, but maybe YOU just shouldn't leave me hanging there. I mean, you make me look like a moron, okay, more like an idiot! Yesterday, I was looking at this board outside the pe room and then he just suddenly walked off to the soccer court without saying anything, I intended to follow but decided against it. I don't know why...It's not like I'm expecting him to tell me wherever he's going, just that if we are anywhere together, at least if he's going to break off and go somewhere else then at least tell me. Please, I do that with my friends...it's like common courtesy...you don't just leave someone hanging like that it not only hurts the person's feelings and it's damn rude too.

He's better in a lot of things than I am, I seriously have a hard time keeping up, but I don't make noise about it. Sure I whine about my grades and stuff, and all the stuff like that, somehow I feel he doesn't think very much of me, in terms of of intelligence. He keeps telling me things like' you're smart...you're not stupid', now I wonder how much of this is true. I seriously hope he doesn't just thinking that he just picked up this "bimbo" to pass the time or boost his ego. I don't mind if he's happy he's beaten me in all my grades, because he just IS smarter than me no matter what...but I wish he'd just think about some things he says. I mean like the way he judged my written report...'I'll bet it's in a mess'...I DON'T CARE if he was saying that it reflects the lousy teacher that I have...I'M DOING IT...so I would damn well appreciate it if YOU have some FUCKING COMFIDENCE IN ME, which I seriously doubt you do. The times when he says, 'I knew you couldn't do it' or 'I knew you wouldn't get it' like yeah, that ab-so-lute-ly shows the GIGANTUOUS amount of confidence you have in me. I mean come on...I never said anything like that to you about GP, 'haha...I knew you wouldn't be able to do this question'. Maybe you don't know me well enough to know that I'm quite sensitive to things like that.

what happened to I'll run the race with you? you push me, I'll push you? It just seems like you left me for dead and sped on ahead, like I was some burden to you for the past 7 months and 6 days. Somehow I feel that we work better apart; no pressure from you and I'l be of no hindrance to you, than if we were to work together. I once asked a question...'do you think we're invincible together?'...perhaps I got the answer but I chose not to hear it? I know you're busy, I understand, since when have I not? since when have I not given you the space you wanted? I'm not saying I'm the perfect girlfriend, neither do I think that I've been a bad one. I'm not here to put the blame on anyone, but if it makes you feel any better my baby, it was my fault, I started the fight last night and I'm sorry. What about the rest?

My Tragic Flaw

by Ephram Brown

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

the promo results are out, the eagerness and anxiety to know what a years work has been worth is gone. For some it is somewhat the end of the line; seeing as they cannot promote, for some people like me, there is the disappointment of not getting what I wanted. I guess if I think about it...I've not really been spoilt in life, with the exception that I have parents, a roof over my head and all that stuff...but in terms of grades I've always got what I wanted till recently.

I will admit that I have high expectations, but are they unrealistic? To me, an A is not hard to get, and when I do the paper, it's like I feel that I've gotten it. However, it just never appears, if it does...it somehow reflects or at least I have the impression that I am just mediocre. I have always had this great dream, vision, whatever you call it, that I'll be amazing and do amazing things, like be super successful, and be rich or something...but the numbers and alphabets just seem to push it farther and farther away. you may think I'm just stupid or myopic to think a couple of numbers and alphabets should define my future and what I may end up like, but I suppose they have a rather profound impact on a person like me. They just drive me absolutely crazy, no one or at least few look at the jump you made or the work put in...they just want the story short and sweet . It is true what I said in a previous post, improvement is often ignored or overlooked by the disappointment we experience, I guess for me...it would be the hardest thing to overcome.

this overwhelming urge and compulsion to do well may well have its negative effects, I'm so scared what I may become or how I would change should this persist...but somehow I just can't stop it. I have NO idea how it progressed to such a stage...it absolutely baffles me...is there something wrong with me? or is it just that I'm overreacting? I don't know...

Baby's doing so well that I am immensely proud of him and of the niche he made for himself in CJC, despite the fact of him being in a place where he knew very few of the people. All the competitions, grades and programmes he's been selected for...I just can't help being proud that I have such an amazing boyfriend...haha...I mean seriously, I never thought I'd be so lucky as to find someone like him. However there's always the 'but'....the envy I experience whenever he tells me all this stuff...its like my dream just superimposed itself onto him, like I dunno...he got to it first before I did, so I'm like the loser in the race or something or I'm just fated to be just like those parents who have to watch their children become what they always wanted to be, but in this case...I'm watching the person I love and admire so much live out what I always wanted to be. I keep telling myself things like 'I just have to work harder', 'I just take a little longer to get there...but eventually I WILL get there and when I do, I would shock the world' after all this time, I have started to doubt how truth there is in those to sentences. I just keep thinking that I am the only one who can help myself out of this rut...and this is just one DAMN long road that I may just feel like not wanting to get up anymore and just set up camp there for the next few decades.

I want my turn....

We're taught to remember only the significant moments – the rites of passage. In truth, the smallest steps that get us to these momentous occasions are just as significant. Looking back, we see it's not just the high points, but the low points that also define who we are and who we will become.
-EVERWOOD, "Your Future Awaits"

I'm really busy now, multi-tasking...haha...
yakking on the phone with my baby, eating dinner and blogging...
baby got me to download this game, and I'm currently hooked...not that deep yet,just the excitement of wanting to get home and grab my father's comp and start playing...cos my home comp is STUPID!! the monitor is out cold...

anyway, the past 2 days was just post-exam enrichment activities...never liked why they called it that...it just sounds so educational, if you get my drift. Wouldn't games day be so much easier to say? first day our class played handball...that was the best...haha...we practically owned everyone...trashed all of them, the biggest win being 6-0...kudos to the guys and their wonderful basketball skills, which are just absolutely amazing. The goal-keeping by cumar, tyrik and ashley was superb too. Tyrik and cumar were a surprise...I mean tyrik is like damn skinny, to think he could defend such a goal post...haha...and not get smashed in...cumar...I mean that was just a surprise. ashley and his header-goalkeeping during the girl's games.

today was just captain's ball and frisbee. captain's ball started out well, but then the walkover by t28 didn't go well, but it was a good fight, especially by t28. wandered around after that, went to see my baby play touch rugby and walked somemore, and then I got roped in for frisbee...which was the last game. We won that by 2 but that was just for fun. baby didn't win his touch rugby, his class got second...I still love you...haha. bussed to papa's office where baby and I spent time together, watched iRobot and then read books for a while and napped at the table. baby looks so sweet when he sleeps...haha...so peaceful..I just like to watch...I dunno. baby went home at 5.30 while I stayed on and continued to read my book, nap, and talk to my baby somewhere in that time frame.

It was a good day, I liked it quite some, with the exception of having to be under the sun the whole time...my FACE is ab-so-lute-ly red! I mean, no matter how much I seek for the shade or hide from the sun, it somehow manages to get me...it's rays somehow manage to seep through the gaps of shelter and get me... =( ...I don't want to be red anymore and I DON'T WANT TO PEEL...NONONO!!!

Dreams are our world turned upside down. Gravity, logic, time rendered meaningless. The world of dreams is not our world. Although, at the dead of night, it attempts and deceives. Daring us to see the difference.

This is what makes dreams so dangerous.
-EVERWOOD, "The Day is Done"


okay...promos are like officially over...YAY!!
I must say, this stretch does feel good...haha...I guess God has helped me significantly, so I thank him for walking through this and enabling me to do my best, I just have a good feeling about this. I hope I'm right...
Anyway, had so much fun today....haha...after physics, went for NE and current affairs quiz, not much of a difference from the mid-year...haha. after that met my baby and joined sean and lisa for lunch, and this was the good part...haha...somehow a couple of the canoeists came to join us and we ended up talking about stuff, girls and boys...being crude here and there, talking about stuff like how guys screw with each other in the toilet, haha...omg....it was just laughing and laughing...and to think we were sitting so near a group of teachers....haha. I like stuff like this, it's like talking with the girls back in IJ just for laughs, just that this time the majority are guys. I miss it...

CJC open house...well, it's impending...somehow I really have NO IDEA why any of the IJ girls would want to come here, here as in CJ...maybe it's because, the mindset of CJC being a safety net for all catholic schools is still there so there's no need to come to a place where you'll end up in anyway, or maybe I'm jusy not very proud of where I come from.
Perhaps I don't think anyone would come here due to the class I came from, I mean triple science people usually wouldn't think of coming to CJC, most of the people from my class in sec 4 wanted so much to go to VJ, HC, RJ, some NJ...nothing less than that. For us to even speak of going to CJC was like taboo. I even still recall people saying, that it was alright if they didn't make the mark, they'll just go to CJ and then go from there, like CJC was like a stepping stone, or like some rite of passage to a better life, out of poverty.
I guess I am proud that CJC is coming up slowly, however some or a large majority of the public just doesn't see that. They have chosen to stay in the time where CJC was the dumping ground for those who were desperate to get into a JC and the one with the highest abortion rate (although that was like eons ago...). Reality only seems to hit them when the qualify for a JC but can't get into CJC...my little sister has just realised that the cut-off point is going to be 11 when she graduates from IJ and even worries about qualifying. I'm not saying that everyone should go to CJC, but that I somehow cannot stay quiet when the sterotyped viewing of the dumping ground is brought up when people talk about JCs. To see improvements is often hard, people tend to see what's on the surface. Improvements are usually noticed when expectations are not met and yet they do not suffice, it just doesn't seem to ease the disappointment.
I guess if a person were to let go of predjudices, look deeper within and open our minds I think even a school like CJC ,with what we have, would even be able to measure up to a school like RJ, or hwa chong, even NJ. If a man is willing to help himsself, I am sure that god will help him, to have god on our side should count for something...haha...