writer's block...fuck.

My brain feels like a stuttering idiot...after reading all that stuff, I just can't type it out onto a word file. Sometimes remembering what you've read is a curse...you have a rough idea but you can't seem to phrase it in the way it is commonly done, so you decide to refer to the article which is where all the trouble starts. You read more than you should and you get so stuck in the way the writer's written it you become handicapped in rephrasing it all...

I need a better place to write this and concentrate and I need to be in a better state of mind.

I shall refrain from posting about the goings-on in my head...and instead lament about the fact that I didn't think through what I just did with my blog...

a revamp without a template back-up.

I thought I thought it through and hey, whatever's not there is fine...I mean most of it was pretty juvenile given I've had this blog for a while...a very long while...until I notice that my links were all gone and so I am fucked.

If anyone out there happens to read my blog, you could somehow tell me how to recover this and salvage this blunder of mine on this horrible day which began approximately 3-4hours ago.

End of another week...
at least I'm on track with work for my materials and methods...the intro really needs to start moving too though. The drawing is giving me hell too...ugh. I cannot learn software like this....if only someone could teach me how to do it. Not forgetting the data, it's like a jack-in-the-box, the work just keeps piling up and one day, it's going to KILL ME! I might need someone to lighten the load.

That aside, holidays are pretty much FYP oriented. UWS has now replaced school on the schedule of things. Not that I mind it..somehow walking around there never gets that boring despite the lack lustre place. Today they put a Christmas tree in the underwater tunnel today...which was a nice surprise and amusing too. I wonder how the fish took it. 

Troubled, I am. But why does it bother me so? 
can someone please explain what this is? I really need someone to talk about this to...because it's festering in my brain!!

what does it feel like to have someone there for you?

Is this called temptation? Or just purely the lack of the ability to keep your nose out of someone's business? This feeling doesn't seem to follow the latter.

8 MORE DAYS!!

It was going fine!!

Please stop...please. I cannot feed this preoccupation...all I ask is 2 weeks, then you/it/whatever can haunt me...

Please

A 2 week break...Hopefully things will start to clear up.

Just study and not think about it

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Savior please, help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
Because You're all that I have?

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me.
Hallelujah.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.
No, Savior please, keep saving me.

How is it something not about you could make you feel this way?

You want to help, but you don't know how...how to make it feel just slightly better, because you don't know the least bit about what is happening or how it feels and what that someone would need.

So...you don't know if you should call, message...it might not be the right thing...so you leave it alone.

Alone. Somehow doesn't seem right...but it works for some and not for others. So what do you do?

What do you do?
 

I didn't think it meant anything much...

so why does it bother me so much?

I think it should end here...I might be in too much over my head.


What do you think?

since when did going out together become this difficult...


"Upset" just cannot suffice

No no no...I'm probably going to hell because of this.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

I think I really need to think about what I am doing...

I have realised that I have come to use my fb as a venting ground...WHICH is not really ideal, especially for people who have no desire to understanding my ventings.

I have never done so till recently, which is rather frightful change from usual, cos people actually do notice my especially emo-fied messages. Probably, comes as a result of neglecting this place. Seeing as it has been neglected, I doubt people read this any more SO it should be rather safe. lol. yeah. right.

So, now I study dolphins and human relations. Dolphins, I can deal with, human relations...I swear, I don't know why I decided to get myself into this again. The last time it was onedegree15, now it's Underwater World. It's like Sentosa follows me around...or vice versa...whichever it is. There are somewhat relatively more nice and conversive people than withdrawn and aloof people but by some dumb guy, named Murphy, I seldom get to see the nice and conversive people. That coupled with the fact that I have to deal with unpredictable schedules just makes my life hell there.

I'm in a pretty unstable mood right now...I cannot wait for this week to be over and then all these __________ will just die down and I can go back to having rational, unemotive thoughts

This feeling has come one time too many, you would think that it should feel familiar.
It could just be the usual plunge that I often get in a month which causes me to overanalyse or go into this depressed mood about my future and rather low self-esteem.

My chronic worrying is a curse, a curse I wish everytime that it would go away. The things I worry about and the feeling of despair that comes along with it, is just something I feel no person in this world would ever understand.

Hence the loneliness I feel.

Whenever I feel I have found myself, I only lose it to start all over again. I always pictured or rather viewed myself as strong and independent, am I wrong? I always thought I could handle anything thrown at me. Maybe I think too higly of myself? Maybe I don't even know a single thing about myself? There are days that I wish I could sleep forever, with this thought, I fear one day I will just break down and descend into this huge hole called depression, only to never crawl back out.

Maybe it's his way of saying to me that I can't do this on my own and no one in this world can help me the way he can. Maybe he's intentionally trying to break me down and build me up. I don't know. For all I know, I have come all this way, only to know that I have come down the wrong path.

I'm just lost.

An update has been much desired no? I guess I got way too lazy...lol. Especially with the the project rush and the packing to London.

It's been more than a month already...going around....experiencing a place that's such a blend of urban and rural. Rural seems to carry negative connotations like being poverty-stricken, so I guess countryside would be a better word.

A bigger country with more land makes a big difference. As compared with Singapore, you can see there's so much more nature in small towns with their own parks. Parks with large open spaces fit perfectly into the picture of small towns and don't look like they're about to be eaten by the houses on the opposite side of the road. Lessons here are not much different in teaching styles, after all, how different can they be. It's the content that makes the difference I suppose. Lectures are half the time they are in NUS, as Prof Hugh Tan once said 'deceivingly simple.' which makes it scarier. At least for me, you never know how much is enough. It's not that the information given here is less, it's just that it is just enough.

Essay writing here is not an arts thing, those in the science department are expected to write as well. Which is expected given that if you're going to be a researcher, you need to be able to write coherently in order to convey your ideas and findings to the rest of the scientific community. Essays give you the room to find your area of interest and allow you to develop your ideas through writing out the findings that you've read up. This develops the evaluating component in a person, which NUS seems to be lacking in the students of the science faculty. Essays are seen as a nightmare (and I totally understand why...) as it's something entirely foreign and we've been conditioned to think that it's something that 'arts people do'. Too much spoon-feeding has led us down this road and somewhat crippling our ability to need to question what we are fed and to evaluate it resulting in us just take things as it is. Coming here, I somehow wish that I had spent my previous 3 years of tertiary education here. After my UROPs, I have realised all that I've been doing wrong in my writing and am afraid of falling into them once again as I have not written anything more since then to cement all those comments in.

Having the content is not much of use if your essay is so badly structured that people get lost half the time while reading it.

Just came back from Emirates Stadium (for those of you who don't know, it's the home ground of Arsenal). A very nice and modern looking stadium, unlike the ones in Singapore, mostly made of concrete.

The football atmosphere was so refreshing, with a surprising number of people buying team merchandise. The amount of dedication can be felt or at least seen with the number of people exiting the store with plastic bags with the Arsenal shield imprinted on it and the spots of red and white amongst the dark coloured winter coats as the people streamed in. We arrived three hours before the match and the number of people there was already a considerable number. The security hauled in for the event, given the nature of the match was 'wow' too. Policemen in their classic bobby hats and reflective yellow vests walked around together with the equestrian police as they dotted around the exterior of the stadium. Some of them even trotted around the stadium on their horses.

Sadly the gunners disappointed in the end.