emotional, logical turmoil

So many conflicting emotions.

I say so many things but emotionally, it takes quite a bit of convincing...ok, maybe a lot. This frustrates me and makes me think I'm becoming someone that is quite bitter and jealous. I have not really been charting these moods to see if they coincide with the monthly visits. Although, I do get more irritable and have a very short fuse just before and in the early parts.

I try very much to be independent, wanting to be like those couples who are successful and strong together as well as apart. Right now, there's that can of worms to define what is "successful". Maybe something I need to see to know? I always say things like using this time when we are young to explore all sorts of things e.g. travel for work, work hard, travel more because when we are young that is when you have the energy to do so and it's the time to build up your career. Then when it really happens I feel neglected, tied down etc. which is like, make your mind the fuck up. What the hell do you want? Needless to say, this confuses Ben a whole lot. Totally mixed signals, cos the logical part of my mind is totally just 'eye-rolling' at my emotional part.

I like to help people but sometimes I feel taken advantage off, but am I? Or am I being unreasonable? Again, there's the monthly visit issue that clouds my self-assessment. After getting quite upset and judgmental, I almost always doubt my right to be. I mean we should not judge, none of us are perfect and I know that I am far from it. Also, the idea that I am more responsible, more sensible and overall a better person is where the emotions stem from and it is something that I need to curb. Not too sure if voicing it out and talking about it makes any difference because Ben does not seem to help settle these emotions. Maybe I have not found the right person to discuss this with or maybe I just cannot accept it. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to stop or resolve these feelings, because I might end up saying/doing something that I might regret. Wish someone could tell me/show me what to do.

some people just make you feel alone

I always have a lot of thoughts, a lot of things I want to say and I probably only voice a fraction of it. Whenever I do, I either find that it's not taken seriously or that you have your mind on something else as I say things. Which in the end makes me feel like saying the rest of it is or that I am such a bother.

It is almost as if we just spend happy times together or that times spent together are happy but the difficult times I or we just fight on our own. I don't know how or if I should ask for more? Seems like I am asking too much sometimes. After all, I don't really know what exactly it is that I want. Sometimes when you decide to help/make it better it doesn't come out the way I expect it to and in the end I would just rather not.

So keep at it on my own and find my solace elsewhere and hope for a better day or just say it?

Thinking

I should probably back to this blog to unload my feelings. Facebook is too much of an emotional burden. I feel bad after offloading there.

This place seems less burdensome. After all, close to no one comes here. I think.

Right now, I just want to escape and wash off today. Although it was an awesome dinner, coming home is a snap back to reality. Makes me wish for time to pass a little faster as I make that slow progress. A part of me wishes that I will never experience such pain/loneliness/uselessness anymore again, whilst the other part of me is telling me it will come knocking any time.

Fighting on our own

Together on paper, that's about it.

We spend our days fighting our own battles and in the evenings I immerse myself in dramas. To help me forget and wind down from the days happenings.

The days just repeat and some days I get by and some days I just don't feel OK. I laugh at myself wondering how long I'm going to last this way...will I be ok at the end of it?

Unreasonable?

When I meant sleep over I didn't literally mean just sleep over. Just disappointed.

I guess I should not have expected anything? But I did and tiredness just made me upset thinking about it. Then I  did not want to go over anymore and the ride to the office alone just got more appealing.

He's pissed and disappointed. I'm just disappointed and tired.

Sudden thoughts

No one likes to/enjoys doing things they're not good at. Right?

New things are scary but the feeling of being pushed to do things you don't like is probably something else.

Just wishing that there was more.

Sometimes I can't help but have some expectations.

Not such a good idea

Finally going on a holiday after quite a while, but for me it seems like the differences between people are way too much for me to handle.

Finding people to travel with is tough. I probably shouldn't have made such a leap of faith for a country I want so much to enjoy time in. Furthermore, it seems like the one person I hoped that would notice my unhappiness now and then just seems not to. Expecting too much? Or maybe just me being too self-centred?

At this juncture I just want to be alone and it seems like, I feel much better? Although I have bouts of sadness, but it seems like I can get through a lot more things. I'm a bit more focused, probably because I'm trying to avoid actually feeling how sad/upset I am. When night comes and I lie in bed with nothing to do, that's when I really think about all the things and what has been making me feel so upset.

Much of it is regret I think. Regret that I agreed to this, because I already had a bad feeling about this. Only because I thought that I should give it a chance. It was bad... And then it got better... And Now things are beyond me. The way things went, I could have easily done it all myself. Possibly, enjoyed it more too. Now, I look forward to so many things but yet my head is filled  (and I really mean filled) with this thing lurking in my head that I'm going to mess up and do something horrible.

honesty is overated

Some things should never be said

No matter who they are

No matter what they say

You tell me to act

I suppose I can learn, but it will be hard (I'll try my bestest)

You tell me to keep silent

I suppose I'll try my darndest

Nobody wants to hear how hurt you are, how frustrated you are, how stressed you are or why you disagree.

So just nod and put on a show.

A new year

A new year has rolled around and things at the office have been progressing well in my current experiment. Plus point being the new awesome intern which I possibly have become very biased towards. He is so different from the others I have had, possibly because he's so much like me in quite a number if ways. He just knows what I need and lifts a lot of my burdens allowing to take on the rest of my burdens whilst being so positive about it. He brings a lot of laughter to the lab as well seeing as he gels well with everyone :)  so it is nice.

I'm still battling my demons of self-doubt and constantly worried about my inadequacies. Especially since it's my last year of funding I'm quite pressured into making significant progress to finish up. I'm worried about things on my end and also my honours students. The latter is certainly a big unknown and has me considerably worried. I just dunno when or if I should jump in.

Wisdom, please. How do I become a better person also? I think I am quite a failure at being a nice person at home. I don't know why but I just find myself incapable of doing so. I don't know what triggers this irritability and quick firing in me which often sparks unhappiness.