writer's block...fuck.

My brain feels like a stuttering idiot...after reading all that stuff, I just can't type it out onto a word file. Sometimes remembering what you've read is a curse...you have a rough idea but you can't seem to phrase it in the way it is commonly done, so you decide to refer to the article which is where all the trouble starts. You read more than you should and you get so stuck in the way the writer's written it you become handicapped in rephrasing it all...

I need a better place to write this and concentrate and I need to be in a better state of mind.

I shall refrain from posting about the goings-on in my head...and instead lament about the fact that I didn't think through what I just did with my blog...

a revamp without a template back-up.

I thought I thought it through and hey, whatever's not there is fine...I mean most of it was pretty juvenile given I've had this blog for a while...a very long while...until I notice that my links were all gone and so I am fucked.

If anyone out there happens to read my blog, you could somehow tell me how to recover this and salvage this blunder of mine on this horrible day which began approximately 3-4hours ago.

End of another week...
at least I'm on track with work for my materials and methods...the intro really needs to start moving too though. The drawing is giving me hell too...ugh. I cannot learn software like this....if only someone could teach me how to do it. Not forgetting the data, it's like a jack-in-the-box, the work just keeps piling up and one day, it's going to KILL ME! I might need someone to lighten the load.

That aside, holidays are pretty much FYP oriented. UWS has now replaced school on the schedule of things. Not that I mind it..somehow walking around there never gets that boring despite the lack lustre place. Today they put a Christmas tree in the underwater tunnel today...which was a nice surprise and amusing too. I wonder how the fish took it. 

Troubled, I am. But why does it bother me so? 
can someone please explain what this is? I really need someone to talk about this to...because it's festering in my brain!!

what does it feel like to have someone there for you?

Is this called temptation? Or just purely the lack of the ability to keep your nose out of someone's business? This feeling doesn't seem to follow the latter.

8 MORE DAYS!!

It was going fine!!

Please stop...please. I cannot feed this preoccupation...all I ask is 2 weeks, then you/it/whatever can haunt me...

Please

A 2 week break...Hopefully things will start to clear up.

Just study and not think about it

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Savior please, help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
Because You're all that I have?

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me.
Hallelujah.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.
No, Savior please, keep saving me.

How is it something not about you could make you feel this way?

You want to help, but you don't know how...how to make it feel just slightly better, because you don't know the least bit about what is happening or how it feels and what that someone would need.

So...you don't know if you should call, message...it might not be the right thing...so you leave it alone.

Alone. Somehow doesn't seem right...but it works for some and not for others. So what do you do?

What do you do?
 

I didn't think it meant anything much...

so why does it bother me so much?

I think it should end here...I might be in too much over my head.


What do you think?

since when did going out together become this difficult...


"Upset" just cannot suffice

No no no...I'm probably going to hell because of this.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

I think I really need to think about what I am doing...

I have realised that I have come to use my fb as a venting ground...WHICH is not really ideal, especially for people who have no desire to understanding my ventings.

I have never done so till recently, which is rather frightful change from usual, cos people actually do notice my especially emo-fied messages. Probably, comes as a result of neglecting this place. Seeing as it has been neglected, I doubt people read this any more SO it should be rather safe. lol. yeah. right.

So, now I study dolphins and human relations. Dolphins, I can deal with, human relations...I swear, I don't know why I decided to get myself into this again. The last time it was onedegree15, now it's Underwater World. It's like Sentosa follows me around...or vice versa...whichever it is. There are somewhat relatively more nice and conversive people than withdrawn and aloof people but by some dumb guy, named Murphy, I seldom get to see the nice and conversive people. That coupled with the fact that I have to deal with unpredictable schedules just makes my life hell there.

I'm in a pretty unstable mood right now...I cannot wait for this week to be over and then all these __________ will just die down and I can go back to having rational, unemotive thoughts

This feeling has come one time too many, you would think that it should feel familiar.
It could just be the usual plunge that I often get in a month which causes me to overanalyse or go into this depressed mood about my future and rather low self-esteem.

My chronic worrying is a curse, a curse I wish everytime that it would go away. The things I worry about and the feeling of despair that comes along with it, is just something I feel no person in this world would ever understand.

Hence the loneliness I feel.

Whenever I feel I have found myself, I only lose it to start all over again. I always pictured or rather viewed myself as strong and independent, am I wrong? I always thought I could handle anything thrown at me. Maybe I think too higly of myself? Maybe I don't even know a single thing about myself? There are days that I wish I could sleep forever, with this thought, I fear one day I will just break down and descend into this huge hole called depression, only to never crawl back out.

Maybe it's his way of saying to me that I can't do this on my own and no one in this world can help me the way he can. Maybe he's intentionally trying to break me down and build me up. I don't know. For all I know, I have come all this way, only to know that I have come down the wrong path.

I'm just lost.

An update has been much desired no? I guess I got way too lazy...lol. Especially with the the project rush and the packing to London.

It's been more than a month already...going around....experiencing a place that's such a blend of urban and rural. Rural seems to carry negative connotations like being poverty-stricken, so I guess countryside would be a better word.

A bigger country with more land makes a big difference. As compared with Singapore, you can see there's so much more nature in small towns with their own parks. Parks with large open spaces fit perfectly into the picture of small towns and don't look like they're about to be eaten by the houses on the opposite side of the road. Lessons here are not much different in teaching styles, after all, how different can they be. It's the content that makes the difference I suppose. Lectures are half the time they are in NUS, as Prof Hugh Tan once said 'deceivingly simple.' which makes it scarier. At least for me, you never know how much is enough. It's not that the information given here is less, it's just that it is just enough.

Essay writing here is not an arts thing, those in the science department are expected to write as well. Which is expected given that if you're going to be a researcher, you need to be able to write coherently in order to convey your ideas and findings to the rest of the scientific community. Essays give you the room to find your area of interest and allow you to develop your ideas through writing out the findings that you've read up. This develops the evaluating component in a person, which NUS seems to be lacking in the students of the science faculty. Essays are seen as a nightmare (and I totally understand why...) as it's something entirely foreign and we've been conditioned to think that it's something that 'arts people do'. Too much spoon-feeding has led us down this road and somewhat crippling our ability to need to question what we are fed and to evaluate it resulting in us just take things as it is. Coming here, I somehow wish that I had spent my previous 3 years of tertiary education here. After my UROPs, I have realised all that I've been doing wrong in my writing and am afraid of falling into them once again as I have not written anything more since then to cement all those comments in.

Having the content is not much of use if your essay is so badly structured that people get lost half the time while reading it.

Just came back from Emirates Stadium (for those of you who don't know, it's the home ground of Arsenal). A very nice and modern looking stadium, unlike the ones in Singapore, mostly made of concrete.

The football atmosphere was so refreshing, with a surprising number of people buying team merchandise. The amount of dedication can be felt or at least seen with the number of people exiting the store with plastic bags with the Arsenal shield imprinted on it and the spots of red and white amongst the dark coloured winter coats as the people streamed in. We arrived three hours before the match and the number of people there was already a considerable number. The security hauled in for the event, given the nature of the match was 'wow' too. Policemen in their classic bobby hats and reflective yellow vests walked around together with the equestrian police as they dotted around the exterior of the stadium. Some of them even trotted around the stadium on their horses.

Sadly the gunners disappointed in the end.

Gen is demoralised by the endless circling of present tensed words in her lab report.... =.=...I shall never EVER for get again.

Like just make a remark somewhere and to write in past tense.

Is it me...or does school depress me? I seem to be especially emo when I go to school...maybe I'm just not cut out for it...

How does something that is supposedly so beautiful turn so sour?
Is it possible for someone to be that comfortable that no matter how hard reality smacks you in the face you just refuse to answer? Why would you not want to answer it if it concerns your livelihood?

Is there a plan in all of this? We are not meant to comprehend your ways, but is this not a little too much? It may seem like I am rushing you and I don't mean to, but it's all falling apart right now. A part of me just feels that this is not the way to go, but the more I think about it the other half of me just seems to be to singing a louder song. I want to cry, but I guess crying does not solve anything anyway.

What else is there to do? What else do I need to do?

Honestly, I tried so hard to keep it together, so hard that I've given up cos you both are just so unresponsive. Sometimes I find the things you both argue over just plain absurd. The things you pick on are so mundane that I find that you just make your own life so miserable paying attention to it all. One just absorbs all the negativity, while the other just dishes it all out; then again I suppose the one who absorbs has no right to complain about anything. I get shuffled here and there, tell him this, tell her that, why the hell don't you both just do it yourself since my input is just useless to you both anyways. As long as there are feuding parties, the messenger always gets shot at, which is why I'm so sick of helping. I cannot as so much be bothered now.

I just have something to get off my chest, bear with me if you have read up to here. If you have no idea who or what I am talking about I suppose that's pretty much what I want, I just want to get it all out somewhere.

It worries you how it affects her? What about me? I personally feel that I've been overlooked so much, so many times. Call it an inferiority complex if you will. You think all this crap that has been happening has been affecting her so much, what about me? I was the one who talked, I was the one trying to get the both of you to sort it out, I was the one who tried to mediate, I was the FUCKING MESSENGER!! But no, "can't you see, she wants to keep us together", I just wanted to stand up and walk out. WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING THEN!! Well, I suppose she was SERIOUSLY affected they just did not show it. Do I have to commit some suicidal act in order for you to notice?? Or maybe appear super dysfunctional?

You just take me for granted.

a good 4 days...eat, sleep dive; eat , sleep dive; eat, sleep dive....open water plus advanced water...truly the best holiday of my life

We all don't really know what we want do we?

When we're busy we wish we didn't have anything or less to do and when we don't have anything to do...we wish we had things to occupy our lives with. How can so few things take up so much time? So few the number doesn't go pass counting with one hand. (1) UROPs (2) Dance (3)QT. It's so simple...yet one I think about 24/7 the other the weekends the last hardly has space at all...

I don't have to right to complain, given that I chose it...but is there something I'm not doing right? It just doesn't feel right. Everything is just so spur of the moment. I slot it in the schedule then I cancel it because something comes up...things like just purely drive me crazy. Resulting in any social activities being put on hold until the last moment which I can only confirm it.

I hate this way of doing things, but it seems like it can't be helped for some reason. It's like an allergy or something I have towards, unrest, chaos, disorganistion and anything else related in my life. I can't even stand quarreling in my own family, I just switch off and become extremely irritable. Just reading what I wrote seems like a recipe for disaster cos life is supposedly full of all this kind of crap and so I'm not supposed to complain but just take it all in.

$124 dollars that I fell in love with at vivocity aldo...pity I had to let it go.. =(

Just go away...sometimes I wish you never existed. I wish you would LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Can't believe what I just typed? Well, right now I just feel this way. You say you miss me...well you know what, I'm quite sure it's pretty much a very one-sided feeling.

I've said time and time again, wait for June...but no...you ask and ask...and I say yes. After a while I have to cancel, cos you know that this definitely takes priority. Do you like being disappointed? I don't like going out with my mind racing and worrying about something else somewhere when I'm spending time with you. Don't you get it?

Upset doesn't quite cover it, neither does pissed off. Maybe frustrated and pent up is what I feel, I just want to go somewhere and scream or shout it all out...ALL OF IT!!!

please please just go away...

I wish I had the time....

Please stop making me feel this way...

Watched centre stage II few days ago...rather disappointing actually, compared to the first, so I suppose that's why I've never heard of it.

The acting isn't great...painfully awkward, esp between the male and female lead. You can't blame them though, they're dancers not actors. Although some people say to be dancer, you gotta learn to act. The dancers from the first installment, did a rather painless and great job at that. Not much dancing, but it seems to have moved from classical ballet to contemporary though, sorta like step up to step up II.

I love this clip between the 2 leads. I like the way it progresses with the groove and all, most of it actually looks impromptu with somebody initiating something for each part....just try to ignore the painful dialogue...lol. Watching it makes you kinda wanna get up and groove to this with someone.

All that aside, I'm going to make an extremely shallow comment now...the guy is hot!! Kenny Wormald, he works as a back-up dancer for people like Justin Timberlake and apparently is touring with the PCD and dating one of them. okay...crawling out of my shallowness...enjoy.

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

I behave like an idiot when I don't know what's going on...doesn't everybody?

You've got to tell me who to go to to ask for what...I can't just randomly ask anyone in the lab; unless that's the way you want me to go. I'm not a slacker so when I feel this way, it makes me hate me...why would anyone do that? You can't put me in a house with 20 people, with no directions and tell me I've to find this and that.I don't know who out of the 20 people to ask...unless you'd like me to ask them one by one.

What do you call this feeling? It's beyond frustration...

and so we are 4 :)

with many more to come

My fingers are not as they used to be....
less nimble, out of practice...years of practice...

My brain cannot seem to manage it like it used to...too many things....

When I try so hard to bring myself to back then...I come to loathe myself for it's inability...

I drown myself in pieces I used to play to comfort myself, but I know I'm not really going anywhere. Just plain old muscle memory.

If there's anything I would really regret in life...it would be giving it up and not fighting hard enough for it...and if possible blaming my circumstances.

I need someone honest...

a friend who'll listen to what I have to say and let me know if it's just me or if it's just INSANE!!!

Cos right now...my head has this sign in red neon lights that says

INSANE!!!

P.S.: it rolls in and out

I am what I am...female

And we all pretty much want the same things...

Maybe I try too hard to act indifferent, for I cannot bring myself to demand or expect such things...for I myself cannot give.

Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that bring joy to the drudgery and the mundane, the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never ever think about the hours.

Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day. Don't you see, my heart beats only for you?

Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember, my love... A warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine. I remember feeling safe, ceaseless, like one person, the two of us, still, at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like... the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go, all the things we think and feel but don't say?

Dear Valentine, these are the things I never told you, these are the things I need you to know... that I loved you always, and my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently, that if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that not to be true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is, except one... I wouldn't say good-bye.

Happy Valentine's Day...

Being a member of this place is like working in a department store.

"the customer is always right"

you work, but you have no voice.

Perhaps it would be better not to have any.

Sometimes I can't wait to quit...but I don't know how long I would last without it.

London blanketed in snow....

Britain's capital has ground to a halt after an overnight snowstorm, the worst in 18 years, blanketed the city. Heavy snow across large parts of the UK has disrupted travel and closed hundreds of schools.

I foresee my future there in a years time...

a time spent in a room with like 5 RADIATORS!!! okay...that's an exaggeration...but a person like me not for cold...ut's hard to imagine....aaaah!!!

CNY wasn't as exciting as this year...maybe it was the lack of fireworks...

Drove back in on Saturday...and arrived late so upon arrival it was mostly just going to sleep.

CNY Eve - Next morning we woke up and had 'tuan yuan fan' in the afternoon as my cousins wouldn't be in that night. We then went out shopping, since I still had some stuff left to shop for from Christmas...only managed to get a belt for myself and baby...still lacking my denim shorts though. Everything started closing early so we decided to head back home. Once hoe it was dinner time, but somehow we didn't have any...I didn't really get it. But I was like sneaking tid bits here and there for my blackhole of a stomach. So we all stayed up to 'shou ye', basically a little tradition for staying up so your parents would have a long life later in. Was rather boring since I didn't bring back my laptop and my parents and aunts were watching some stuff I didn't understand, so I spent most of it lying on the sofa staring at the ceiling trying not to fall asleep for about an hour. Until the point I remembered that my dad brought his laptop down too. if you're wondering about the internet...well it's a 56kbps dial-up...so it's not exactly very calming to use in this day and age.

CNY day 1 - Started the drive down to Sepang to visit my dad's side. As usual when we reached there, there weren't many people. Just 2 of my aunts making ngoh hiang, so we just hung around and played with my uncle's ipod touch listening to his music. People started streaming in and we started the usual get together lunch stuff. As people were done eating more people were still coming in, so it was like waves of people streaming in and the flurry of 'gong xi fa cai' and 'gong he fat choi' going around. Made a trip back to my grandma's house to rest and recharge.

Went back again for dinner and the usual stuff happened again. This time there were more people so black jack started and went till late, after which we played with fireworks. Fireworks is somewhat the only perk we come all the way back for...but this time it was rather pathetic. One of my relatives bought these sticks that looked like sparklers, which looked rather evil, but once lighted that all changed. It was just a bunch of 'anticlimax' sticks. It would make the usual 'teeeeeeeeeeeeeew' firecracker sound, which would stop abruptly and spurts of fire would shoot out. It was like 'yay!!'....'oh- _-.........'

CNY day 2 - Went back to the house again for bf and chatting. My mum was like comparing stories with my aunt about their maids. We then drove off to meet up my aunt's and cousins on my mum's side at a restaurant for lunch again. The only thing I remember from it was the 'buddha jumps over the wall' dish. I have this THING for soups.

After which the long drive back to Singapore begins. Everything was fine...until we decided to take the 2nd link....malaysia was good....singapore was just horrendous...I don't even think horrendous sums it up. The queue was so backed up you don't even see the checkpoint. If you remember before the checkpoint there's like a hill the car has to climb before you actually see the checkpoint? We were way beyond that. 4 lanes, 3 for cars 1 one for buses, became 5 lanes and for a moment every lane didn't move for like 5-10mins. people started coming out of their cars...people got out to smoke and all that until peope started the horn. In total we were there for 2 and half hours.

Got home at about 10, unpacked and then slept.

Luckily i didn't have school the next day.

Christmas Holidays have come and gone...spent the 25th-28th in Malaysia.

Spent Christmas day in the car driving up to Malaysia and then had dinner with baby's family and ours. We had like 4.5kg of crabs...sweet and sour crab, salted egg crab, steamed crab...which basically is too much crab and cholesterol for me. I mean if you don't think that's much, you might wanna think how much a crab weighs.

Next day was spent in genting...we took a cab ride up and it was a really good ride. I've never been up there or at least not that I can remember, so the drive up was damn good. I mean if you've driven up there or been driven up you know what I mean. The weather was so good we wound down the windows on the way up and occasionally wound it up upon meeting buses that spewed black smoke. The air was so good...looking out at the clouds. The roads were so winding that lanes are almost needless, we were cutting across lanes as we went up. Met baby up there and we put our stuff in his parents car and headed to the theme park. Lunch was at pizza hut where it looked rather under-staffed. It seemed they were serving food more than clearing tables and taking orders or requests. We had pizza with no plates and soup came last, not to mention the nunmber of people we had to go through to ask them for it. We sat and talked for a while and then headed to do some shopping =) as food and theme park aren't exactly the best combination. Dinner was at mushroom farm, took like a shuttle van down to the restaurant and we had dinner there. They had like geese and terrapins outside o.O

Next day we headed down by cable car and bus after which it was just shopping all the way!!! Dinner was the usual CNY 10 course dinner...not bad. Woooo!!!Headed back to Singapore the next day =)

Heading back in again on CNY...which is like 3 weeks from now...

Love just is, whatever it may be
Love just is, you and me
Nothing less and nothing more
I don't know what I love you for
Love just is

It's almost Christmas =)

December's passed really fast so far...exams were okay, neither great nor bad...I guess the ups pretty much made up for downs. Although I'm pretty much terrified of the outcome. My experience with disappointment seems to follow me around like a shadow.

Dance camp was dance camp...I was pretty much alone most of the time. Most of the people I 'click' with couldn't make it for the camp. I guess a good thing would be that I'm comfortable being by myself. I always wonder why I can never really...integrate with the people in dance groups...I've never really found out till today but it seems a common trend with every dance group I go to. Classes were good though, some were terribly draining but I liked it, esp the hip-hop and reggae. I'll probably have to run like 10km before I can keep up with reggae though.

Baby's been in HK and Macau these few days...at least I've got Tumble for company =)

don't you even DARE call me irresponsible

I am just so so sick of the complaining...

Like why don't you just ASK for help...like it's SO bloody embarrassing!!!

You keep asking the same people and thinking you're going to get a different answer or solution. When half the time, the people you speak to are probably giving bloody comments like 'aiya, he's hopeless'; basically pessimistic and most likely, non-constructive comments.

You know half the time I try to help you when no one in this bloody ______will, you just diss and say, 'go talk to him then, since he only seems to listen you you.' or 'since you're so good at talking to him'. EXTREMELY MOTIVATING don't you think. When I can't be bothered, suddenly it's 'oh you're not a part of this _________?!?!' You know what, if you're so fucking embarrassed about asking for help elsewhere then screw you, I don't have time for the the incessant complaining. It's not like you don't know where to ask for it and it's not like you've been particularly accepting of my solutions.

So you know what? I'm going to start caring for my self for once, cos I'm done being so generous.

Tiny

To my one and only hamster:

Thank you so much for being a part of my life .
It was truly great and special for me.
I hope the life with me me was a happy and comfortable one.
Wherever you are now, I pray that you are happy

I still turn around now and then thinking I have to feed you...but then I turn around and see the empty cage. Then it just goes 'oh'...

Like NOOOO!!!

The one time I decide to actually be a part of the crazy people staying up till the wee hours to watch a sporting event, no Ferrari takes the championship....

Why Timo Glock?!?!?!

Sleep hasn't had much of an affinity to me. I wonder why...but I seem to sleep better on nights that I'm not consciously stressed, although that's pretty relative. Sleeping more doesn't seem to help much and definitely not sleeping less...I'm pretty much at my wits end as to solving this issue.I do wonder if sleeping is considered a luxury, coming to university or at least NUS? Schooling never seemed to be this imbalanced since I came here....

on a side note...it's songs like this that make me feel happy cos I think about you :)

It's like catching lightening 
The chances of of finding, someone like you 
It's one in a million 
The chances of feeling the way we do 
And with every step together 
We just keep on getting better 
So can I have this dance? 
Can I have this dance?

In that still and settled place
There's nobody but you
You're where I breathe me oxygen
You're where I see my view
And when the world feels full of noise
My heart knows what to do
It finds that still and settled
And dances there with you

-HAPPINESS by Edward Monkton

Thank you Erika and Ethel =)

It's all over, the concert's over and so's my birthday.

Concert was a blast. Can't help but think that all us Shaun's people bonded well through all the crap and stuff. At least we delivered the finished product well and people actually thought the item was good. The bitching we did at the side waiting to go on will be greatly missed especially all the remarks made by Teck Nam. Although I can't help thinking that it just happened in times of hardship and we'll just go back to being what we all were before the concert happened

My birthday was rather quiet. Celebrations were rather small. Thanks to all the people who smsed me and wished me Happy Birthday =). The day went as usual, headed to school...had my mid-term for LSM2101. It didn't turn out that bad, neither did it turn out good...but I sort of decided that there was no use getting upset over it? Had lunch and then went for the next 2 lectures. After which I headed to UCC and ben's mum and dad picked jie and me and we headed to west mall for dinner.

Dinner was good, even got a picture taken. Ben drove us back home and picked guin on the way. It kind of hit me when I came home and I was sitting in my room. This is what happens when you've got nothing to do, you think.

I realised the day was just empty. It wasn't that somebody was late...it just wasn't what I wanted, I think. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not good at keeping my emotions to myself as I well as I would like to. If I'm angry it shows and if I'm upset, I find it hard to hide it if my feelings are hurt or something. I like to think I'm a strong person, so I hate crying in front of people, ESPECIALLY in front of people I don't know. I keep a lot of stuff to myself and if I face any problems I pretty much keep it to myself and eventually it'll get solved.

It sounds pretty self-destructive, I know. I'm guessing owing to all the bottling up of emotions for many years is why I'm finding it hard to keep my emotions under control now. Sometimes I wish I never had any. If you've read this far, I don't know what you think I'm feeling now...perhaps frustration?

I'm getting into the clingy mood again. Telling your heart to 'shut the hell up' when it's crying out for companionship and to listen to a reason like 'studies come first' is the fucking hardest shit to do. I HATE it when I get into this phase. There's no point in talking about it, cos you can't do anything about it and it just makes everyone frustrated. Is it me? Cos I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way and I have no idea what to do about it. Sometimes I just wish I never met you, or just stay away from me, then I wouldn't be this messed up but then again I don't know what I want. I just wanna be busy as hell so at least I don't have a reason to think about what's not there.

Well now...I seem to be having many problems with the admin crap...
First I didn't get LSM1202 (General Physiology) which is essential for some modules if I decide switch my life science specialisation to biology...hence IMPORTANT!! They didn't seem to think so...probably a blessing in disguise what with the terrible combination of core modules I have and gen physio being hard to score. I shall do it on SEP (student exchange programme)...muahaha.

So now I ballot for tutorials...like wth...I ballot at like a bit after 9 (maybe 10mins) and then the result I got back is...class has no space. Probably because I have a lot of tutorials to ballot for and I ranked it as fourth cos my bahasa tutorials had to be ranked too, so I didn't get it. TODAY I go in at 10...and I find that there are only 3 slots left and out of the 2 I only can do 1, cos I'm having lecture during the other 2. The result being...NO SPACE!!! Like wth... -_-..... now I have to go see gan about the tutorial...but with luck I'll get my 1-2 slot heehee...

Anyways...while viewing the gummy bear song, which baby introduced to me...(bet you didn't know there was one...well there's an ALBUM actually o.O) I came across something else which was extremely funny. They are a series of clips from a segment of The Muppets. The puppet (i think he's puppet...after all it's the muppets) supposedly speaks in swedish cos he's the Swedish chef, but there are snippets of english so you do know what's going on most of the time.

This was the one I found the most funny... but you can go browse around and view the rest



Before I forget, the gummy bear song...haha...it's rather creepy

Special sem's over and school's gonna start next week...
I have never had such a big problem with bidding in my life =( I should have put more "money" down argh!! now I am panicking and scrambling for a bloody mod to do *rolls eyes*
I seem to be rather animated in my post today. Probably it's because I've nothing to do. I just ironed all the clothes and washed my hamster cage.

Went to town to service my phone AGAIN!! This phone seems to be giving me so many bloody problems. It's the 4th time i'm going back with distortion sounds and a faulty on/off button. For me, 4 times is way too many for a phone that's barely even a year old. I got there at 3.40pm and then was told that I had to wait 1 hour for my turn. I was like O.O, so I went to walk around...went to charles and keith and nine west to look at shoes I can't afford and then to mango to check out the sale...which being me, am too stingy to spend on and I headed back at 4.20pm. I waited to be served until 5 which I tried my best to be anal about my phone which constantly seems to be having problems the conclusion being that they'll try to repair the button _-_..... rightss....

So I rushed back to school to meet baby's mum, in process which I almost got hit by a car and I'm serious. I checked both ways on the street and when I was about to cross, this van came out from behind me and almost hit me. I was like WTF O.O luckily i backed away fast enough. I was extremely freaked. I stood there and made a sign of apology cos I probably scared him quite bad too and walked over to the four seasons bus stop. O.O

Bussed back to school and got there about 6 passed the stuff to baby's mum and went for dance rehearsal. AS7 was like a sauna, there was absolutely no air-conditioning where we were although it looked like it did. Learnt a few more combis and completed the 3rd song. Headed home and we now have a new PC >.< yay!!!

So, now I shall continue to wait for registered mail to arrive.

In the mean time...The Next Wave'08 19 & 20th Septemer BUY TICKETS FROM ME!!! 20% off prices are

CAT 1 - $20.00 ($16.20)

CAT 2 - $17.00($13.80)

CAT 3 - $13.00($10.60)

I'm looking to change my blog skin, but I have yet to find a suitable one. I've seen a few nice ones, but they're either not me....or the place to write stuff in is just way too small.
oh wells...

No school today....Thursday's gonna be my first lab session. A taste of 8 hours of continuous lesson. I'm scared looking at the stuff that we're gonna learn and do, it's pretty daunting for a person like me whom I believe only has a brain of sub-standard size (you know what I mean...). Now that I think about it...I can't believe that I'm actually doing LSM2202, it feels once more like I'm about to just kill myself. We'll just wait and see, I suppose I'll take it as it comes. It's gonna be really busy and I can't believe what's going to happen when Next Wave preparations come in. As of now, every thing's pretty quiet.

I've been awake for an hour already, with some serious sinus issues...and I have not eaten breakfast. I shall go do that soon...and then get down to reading all the notes and stuff. Can't wait for the next Labrador trip....going to go there with baby =) and I'll be able to show him all the amazing stuff there. Maybe even see how we work and stuff.

could you be anymore irresponsible???

I'm at home...all alone....

you see, normally I'd really appreciate this, but I've nothing to do. So I'm utterly bored and irritated out of my mind. I'm not working, the BASF kids' lab is over, so I've got some money in my bank...well soon to be there...and nothing to do. The desktop is officially down, so I can't really play the sims which usually helps the time pass...so I'm pretty much screwed for today. I'm sorta in a super-bored-but-don't-wanna-do-housework mood.

I have this strong urge to just go out to town or bugis street by myself and buy a bag and some clothes for myself. Or actually just walk around by myself, mostly just so that the time will pass faster.

I'm in super irritating, attention-seeking mood...can't describe it...but it's such a girlie thing that I'm really starting to irritate and disgust myself...like wth...somebody help ME!!!

At least school starts next Tuesday O.o

It's halfway through the hols now.
A 3 month holiday shortened to less than a month...I'm starting to think that I do nothing but stuff to do with school...sounds kinda sad actually.

I've an absolute slacker for the pass few days...just playing the sims and going for dance. I have never played so much sims in my life...haha.

Packed the dance wardrobe on Tuesday and the amount of costumes that we have is HUGE and the fact that it could fit in that tiny cupboard is just unbelievable. The cupboard was dusty and some of the costumes were uncomfortably moist having been kept in an air-conditioned room. But it was quite cool looking at all the interesting costumes that we've worn over the years...haha. Dance has been amazing...this choreography that we learnt is just so beautiful, it just makes you feel so much =). It was meant for the RP festival and as usual I didn't get in to do it. I just don't know what's missing sometimes and trying so hard is just getting frustrating...then you remember that you just can't give up. Whenever I look in the mirror and dance, I just think I look extremely weird.

Was supposed to go to Malaysia on Friday but the plans were canceled without my knowing so I felt like and idiot sitting at home watching movies to pass the time and surfing around till 5 pm which was when I felt something was wrong.

I think I have found something I want and would love to do for the rest of my life. haha...that would require me to switch specialisation though. I could still do the same thing with a Biomedical science specialisation. I have this thought a specialisation in Biology does not have as big a furture as biomed...I wonder how true that is.

Anyway, if you would like to see the choreo it's below...it just makes me think I'll never make it there

It's all over...the exams are done with...
As usual there's the strange feeling of emptiness and a hole in my time that remains to be filled up with the time that I used to use for dance, projects, homework and studying.

It makes one feel so free...that you're bored. I was watching stardust last night, one of the best love stories played out and an amazing fantasy story told by Neil Gaiman. I shall be reading the book to see how the story originally is. I have been starved of a good book for way too long, it's been journals all this sem and projects last sem...like omg...the sort of creativity that you read or come acorss in good fiction books is just kind of suppressed in the midst of all the business of school. Meanwhile, maybe I shall move on to read Neverwhere.

So close yet so far...I feel like I'm about to explode

So, exams start in 2 weeks and my driving test is next week...

Just had genetics test today....needless to say my mind was totally blank. I even forgot how to do the punnet square and when I remembered, it took me so long to do the question. Itw as just so messy and confusing. It's times like this that you really hate yourself. Well, it's over anyway....and I should mug for the rest now.

It's so much easier when you're busy and have things to do. It makes you feel better about what's not here with you or rather helps you not dwell on it. Time seems to move so slowly.

You try not to think of it, but it hits you when you look at people. You can't help but be reminded about the loneliness that you feel....

IT'S OVER!!!!
well not quite...but the 35 pages worth of words and diagrams is in =)

I swear, that was the bane during these few weeks...
always something wrong...not enough...I was about to go into serious depression, cos I did nothing but that and study for the tests that I didn't have time for...

so it's in, all that's left is viva and congress...
which means I have to read up everything again to refresh and do up presentation slides that would intrigue people who have never heard of whatever we've researched on for a whole 15 minutes....

nothing too tough 0_0

I really need a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG break....a really long break.

I'm not gonna stop 
That's who I am 
I'll give it all I got 
That is my plan 

It's amazing how time flies....
it's like week 11 of sem 2...the review is due next week, congress is in 2 weeks...madness is what I call it.

I'm at home today cos I've only got lessons from 4-6pm today....waste of time I know...my timetable this sem really sucks like crap. Which is also why I can't wait for this sem to be over and done with...bleah!!!

It's nice to be home...I can like go take a nap whenever I want on my bed...watch TV whenever I want (I wish...) rather than stuck in school eating school food. Is it me being picky...because it seems every time I go down to have lunch or dinner in the science canteen and I look at the food...the taste of it seems to resurface in my mouth and it just totally turns you off. I have no idea why....when I was in CJ or IJ it was hardly like that. Traveling to another faculty is feasible if you have time and nothing much to do...but you see that just isn't how it is for me. So I'm just stuck there.

Sleep is another basic essential I SERIOUSLY lack. It seems to be a constant and yet fruitless pursuit for many uni students, regardless the length of time the person's been studying there. Once you get it back...something comes along to just throw it off again. Is it really a phase EVERYBODY has to go through and somehow you get used to sleeping for only like 4 or 5 hours a day? Cos I seriously don't seem to be catching on.

I need to get out. It's just suffocating seeing nothing but school and home....it just seems to have gotten so bad that staying away from work for a day is just not enough.

It just makes you want to scream till you have exhausted all your energy so you feel better.

loneliness...isn't enough to describe how I feel

It's late...I should be asleep but I am troubled...

I feel guilty, but yet I feel that I have done no wrong...

I don't know what to feel...

HELLO!!!

Yes, I haven't posted since the start of school, so here I am.

Had a genetics test today...was a bit screwed, cos I switched question halfway cos I realised the question I was doing wasn't as easy as I thought...probably cos I didn't really have the time to put much thought into that journal paper. I switched...so everything was pretty okay until the last part, I was trying so hard to remember where I saw the information in the midst of the 12 pages of research accounts and diagrams...I actually missed one whole part and I only saw it at the end. oh well...it wouldn't really be the first time I messed up a CA.

For the CNY break...it was just pretty much exhausting...sitting in the car for hours to get from place to place. My butt hurt so much, must have gotten lousy due to the lack of long road trips for a while. Went to the usual places again...my dad side to see people we don't see for like 364 days a year and back to my mum's side. After which everyone from my mum's side came down to spend 4 days here.

The house was just super noisy...mmmm...noisy has bad connotations...maybe FULL? There was just people everywhere, so full of chatter...it was a bit noisy...like somehow the old people voices resonant from one part of the house to the other without the sound waves loosing any energy whatsoever. People hardly went out...so it was just pretty much saturated with people most of the time. It had its good points as well, so it wasn't that bad. Everyone then headed back yesterday, so the house is much quieter now.

Tommorrow's Valentines day, the day everyone complains is too commercialised and that all the businesses out there are capitilising on it to make some extra profit on this supposed celebration of love. Not forgetting all those people out there who think "it should be Valentines day EVERYDAY" if you're in a relationship.

Frankly, I'm getting a little irritated by all this complaining. I mean somehow people only seem to complain about Valentines day....what about Christmas? Chinese New Year? Your own birthday? You mean businesses don't capitalise on these special days of the calendar? Like give me a break...everyday should be Valentines day? Then why should we only give presents and all that celebration on a person's birthday? Everyday should be a persons birthday...I guess that either means we give each other presents everyday or since everyday is someones birthday why should any other day be different. I mean...a special day is a special day...it's there for a reason...so people should just relax, cos without them life would just be that much less interesting for all of us...which isn't something we want in this day and age.

Today is a good day =)

I realised I haven't posted since last year...haha...been sort of enjoying the hols.

If it's not being the resident maid, since I'm home most of the time. Been trying to brush up on my driving as well...test is next Tuesday, which actually causes me to miss my very first biodiversity lecture of the year, hence I really hope everything goes really well =)

Headed out early today to spend some quality time with my baby for this week...had my favourite ban mian over there and then headed down for dance at 3, which was pretty much hell. We've been doing this same routine since before dance camp and I'm pretty much getting sick of this song by rosemary clooney. Doing it over and over again, so damn tired, at least today I was able to do my double pirouette. Right now, my feet hurt and I have 2 blisters on both of my big toes, one of which has broken, hopefully it doesn't affect my driving.

Anyways, school starts next monday...so school, here I come.

I'm not in the best of moods right now...so I'm here to vent lest I offend someone in this damn house.

Like WTF...you think no one here has a bloody life is it? Like you just want people to switch their plans just because of you...then FUCK YOU!! Who the hell do you think you are man?!?! You record your business appointments like nobody's business and you don't even give a fuck about anything else. Always bloody complaining that we don't tell you early enough, we don't even remind you...well how 'bout I give you a suggestion....write it down in that HUGE damn book you seem to call a planner only when it comes to making business appointments.

Yes people are guests...but normal humans would you know, at least tell people that their coming down in advance...so WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! As of now... I really feel like just doing my own things, like you don't even care about anyone else but your damn self. Like why the hell should I give a damn about you when you don't even give a shit about me...

Oh...and could you just make up your bloody mind...one minute you wanna come, the next you don't...like wth...just say you don't wanna come already...spare me the suspense will you. You don't seem to get the situation do you? After SO bloody long...you just don't get what she's like...asking me to do this and that, as if I didn't think of that. If she bloody says no...then I can't really do anything. I wanna see you, you wanna see me (I assume so....) at least help me out a little here...if not...then just bloody hell get lost

Today was a good day out...rather productive if you ask me...haha...

Baby came over in the afternoon and we did some re-scaping of the tank =) and put up our black oyama paper (It's some sticky paper that you put on the back of the tank to make it look nicer on the inside...) now the neon tetras look really good against the black background.

After hanging around, ate lunch and then decided to head to queensway to buy me some shoes, cos the sole of my current shoe is about to come off anytime soon =) I saw this really nice pair of low dunks at AMK last night and thought I might be able to find the same design. We went to so many shops and they all only had the such small sizes cos it was nike junior...haha....so we went traipsing from store to store looking at other shoes and I kept seeing THAT shoe but they only had in the size 3, 5.5...just not mine...then came this store and I happened to see it on display in a larger size...so I asked if they had my size...and they started to calling the warehouse and stuff...and omg...the man appeared with the box =) haha...I was damn happy...

On a random note...I would kill to dance like the girl on the right...

If wars break down, I will come for you
If angels cry oh I’ll be there for you
You saved my soul
Don’t leave me now
Don’t leave me now

-Rule the world by Take That (from stardust)

OMG...my exams are over...

actually they were over on Thursday...but I kind of didn't have time to come blog about it. Anyway, yesterday morning went to the Airport to send Chuang Yang and Michelle off to NY...was quite sad...I'll miss her so much when she's gone.

After that baby and I went for a buffet lunch at Orchard Hotel Galleria...the food was pretty good...I esp loved the clam chowder and the cheese with crackers. The cheese was like extremely heavenly and stuff. Didn't really have space for ice-cream though. We left and decided to head home to do come stuff for our fish tank...I really think the tank is looking pretty good...haha...what with all the plants and stuff all around. We have like 44 fish in the tank currently; 8 super hyper zebra danios, 10 cherry barbs, 18 neon tetras, 4 SAEs (Siamese Algae Eaters), 2 bronze corydoras (corydoras aeneus) and 2 peppered corydoras. The last Panda corydoras died the night before. I actually had 4 of them...but 3 of them like disappeared...I have no idea where they went...they didn't jump out and I highly doubt any of them gotten eaten by any of the other fish.

I feel like a gold fish tank now...

Just a little smthg other than stuff that I did during the day, I tool some colourgenetics quiz on gerri's blog, similar to the one I took last time...I think 1 or 2 yrs ago...it's somewhere in the archives....you can go try it out if i you wish, it's pretty accurate =)

Much of the time you are preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature. You need stimulation and variation with all matters pertaining to your life. You want to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality being able to charm and influence others. You use powerful strategies with predictable outcomes so as to avoid endangering your chances of success or undermining other people's confidence in you.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

I just wonder, what happened to that little boy in me....he seems a little far away....

I have been feeling so unsettled...not the worried unsettled...but the can't sit down and study unsettled.

I am majorly frustrated, pissed off and irritated at this....I am desperately trying to sit and study but I just CANNOT!!! Like WTH!!!

I just cannot seem to sit down and study, if i'm not sleepy i'm just NOT HERE!! I don't know why....I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to study....why in the world is it so damn fucking hard to do just it!!!

Woke up this morning and took meimei to TTSH to buy her malaria tablets and if she hadn't mentioned it...I wouldn't even have known that there was a donut factory there....yum...there've been so many donut shops popping up all over Singapore, they all just seem the same...SERIOUSLY!! If any of you thought what I just mentioned was a serious crime, I really thought that (dunno about now though...) so we decided to buy one each, but we found out they sell their donuts by the box, so we bought 3. The last one for mummy.

I had a raspberry chocolate, meimei had strawberry white chocolate and I brought home apple cinnamon for mummy.

Apparently donut factory is the one at raffles city too, where apparently there are always long queues in the day.

Went to school to do the SPS presentation and then now I'm home. =)

I dunno why but I was prompted to find this phrase in the bible about how God knows all the hairs on our head...so I just decided to note it down here:

Luke 12:4-7
⁴"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. ⁵But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. ⁶Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies^[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. ⁷Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

which coincidentally also appears in Matthew 10:26-31

Along the way I came across this also in Luke 12 rather appropriate passage for an exam period after I decided to read through the whole chapter:

Luke 12:22-34
Do Not Worry

²²Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]? ²⁶Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

²⁷"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. ³⁰For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

³²"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. ³³Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. ³⁴For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

"With Christ in the weather, we can smile at the storm"

Are you smiling at the storm?

received this in an email not long ago...I read it, but never thought much about it....until this morning...kind of hit me when I saw it again while checking my mail...maybe it's be some help for the peeps out there taking exams esp the 'A's and 'O's...not forgetting the others who are gonna be having exams soon.

Been a super lousy mood to study these few days....there's just no 'exam mood' kind of thing where you're a bit anxious to revise all there is, which is rather worry. If you don't have the mood, it's pretty hard to get down to sitting at the table to revise through all the stuff for the last 6 months. Not forgetting exam's in like 17 days..

I was further distracted yesterday by the fact that I currently still have a panda corydora missing from my tank. O.O I bought 4 and yesterday evening I only saw 3 and today I still only see 3. I searched the whole tank, lifted the logs....EVERYTHING!!! It's like it just disappeared...I told baby maybe it got beamed away by some aliens who were looking for humans o.O...I looked around on the floor to see if it had jumped out, but it wasn't there either. I seriously wonder where it went...I've never lost fish before...and I'm quite sure I bought 4...I still have a picture of them too....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!

Everyday
of our lives,
wanna find you there, wanna hold on tight.
Gonna run
while we’re young
and keep the faith

I've supposedly got a super long weekend, which starts today and ends on Sunday....coincidentally there weren't any lessons today cos my LSM lab is done , I've no more IT lectures and IT tutorial's been shifted to next week....which are all my lessons for today.

So today has been mugger day....I like tried to do the CM1501 papers, followed up on the last 2 lectures on carbonyls and after which I proceeded to do the impossible task of mapping out all the reactions. Meaning something like....carbonyls get alcohols with grignard something like that (you obviously have no idea what I'm talking about at this point in time)...I tried it 3 times...The second one was a bit better, then on the third one I realised even if I reorientate the major functional groups eg. ethers, alkenes....it's still gonna be freaking messy...arrows corssing here and there with barely any space to right....with the centre so densely written on already....

like the infrastructure of organic chem country so sucks....in fact it may even be really good cos there are SO many many bloody ways to get from one "town" to the other...it's just damn near impossible for me to write it at this moment...I almost wanted to kill myself...

went out to run to take my mind off all the nonsense, but after a while...I just wasn't in the mood....so went to take a walk in gourmet.

perhaps I shall move on to something much more enjoyable tonight like bio....

i dunno if i can make it...
i just don't feel it anymore...is there something wrong???
why do I always feel lousy??
I just don't have enough time...I'm trying....

I'm so taking a break now...
the day was unbelievably busy. I shall start work tomorrow!!!

I dragged myself out of bed at 7....okay 7.15 by right....then headed to school to do my SPS experiment at Edison's hall. It was quite funny I got to PGP just before 9 and went up to his room...then sat around for a few and after failing to contact Rebbecca, we decided to start first. Edison continued to try to contact her like twice and then decided to leave it alone first. Before we knew it, it was 10....then we had a feeling she'd seriously overslept and according to Edison she can sleep in till like 12+. So we just continued at at about 12+ a call came and it started with (in a very sleep, draggy soft voice) "Hello, I'm so so so so so so sorry..." haha...by then, we'd finished already....so she didn't have to come...

I went off to Clementi mrt to meet baby and we had lunch at the big hawker centre there. After lunch, we headed of to look for a mate for our lonely Crowntail betta...haha...went for dance after that.

Dance today was quite bad...suddenly felt so tired during the corner-to-corner stuff...and during choreo, my brain like totally switched off, it absolutely refused to absorb anything. No matter how hard I tried to remember, I just continued to blank out intermittently....it was damn annoying.

After dance, headed to SoC to do the STUPID IT1001 project....I swear this project is damn irritating....if I knew this was as a serious project module I would have dropped it. It's like sapping me of time. Was at the PC lab like from 6.40 to 10.30....0.0...mummy came to pick me and brought me home. I've just finished my dinner and now...and I am so sleepy...

I so want my baby....

I am quite happy today I must say...

haha...although I still think lack sleep here and there...
woke up at about 8, had breakfast and then proceeded to do a little reorganising.
My aunt helped iron all 3 weeks worth my mum's working clothes yesterday and so the suits are not in order....meaning they're not matched to how my mum wears them, so I took them all out and rearranged them properly. My mum's cupboard is now full of clothes once more after having not being re-filled after 2-3 weeks; due to me being too busy studying for tests and meeting all the crappy deadlines. PLUS the ironing room is now EMPTY!!!!!!!!!

Headed to school at 9 and went to SoC PC lab 2 to complete the mini-assignment after which I had lunch and went for my Gen Bio lecture. Prof Tan is seriously funny...the funny being the lame funny....meaning a laughable lameness, not your regular roll-your-eyes kind of lameness. He even brought a venus fly trap to the LT and put a mealworm in it. The whole LT was like squeling at how gross everything was. Poor mealworm being expended for demonstration purposes.

Then was chem lab. TLC s(Thin-layer Chromatography) seemed pretty chiem but it turned out to be pretty easy. Haha...It was just the taking of benzaldehyde from the burette that was stressful...I was like counting...5.5ml...so 2.5ml more should have the final level at 8ml...but I counted the grid-lines and I got 8.5ml...so checked with the TA and it was supposed to be 8ml. Other than that everything was pretty fast. My reaction was completed in the first 30mins so I didn't have to continue for another 15 mins and my chromatography was nicely done. Except that my crystals fell into the flask for the stupid suction filtration cos the filter paper didn't fit the funnel properly so had to pour the filtrate through again. Other than that....it was pretty hassle free.

bussed home....was thinking of going out running cos I feel like I've gotten fatter having not run for the last week....however the weather doesn't permit to do so.

At least tomorrow has perks....we're gonna see zebra danios (it's a kind of fish in case you don't know)!!! We'll even see the fluorescent ones which are not sold here too!!!!

I'm hungry....
I'm like pretty free now...I think I have things to do that I don't really wanna do...

I feel like listening to my organic chem webcast....but I realised that I left my notes at home cos I thought I wouldn't have time to do it.

so now I'm in the SPS room just sitting here, blogging...I should be editting my RFID part...but I think it can wait...

I'm hungry too....

It appears error analysis was just spouting absolute nonsense to me....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

ERROR ANALYSIS SPEAKS!!!

time to go for dance...

I'm home today...no class...
was supposed to have a project meeting today....but it got canceled.

The weather is super hot today...the fan is like blowing hot air at me...and I can't imagine what my poor fish must feel.

Attempting to do mass completion of assignments, I have too many assignments due in the first half of next week, not forgetting the 3 projects due. One due next Tues, another due end of the month and another due the end of next early next month.

I have a feeling I'm going mad....

ERROR ANALYSIS PLEASE TALK TO ME!!!
AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

well...today didn't go so well...
still a little frustrated...aaah...

well..there was bio lecture first, that was alright, but I'm beginning to come to content that I think I really need to study for and like...the content is just 0.o mind boggling. okay...then there was lab...

I sorta had and inkling that I might screw up...what with so many compounds and the need to find a suitable solvent for each. eeee....the extractions of one of the compunds went alright...but the other one seriously screwed up....which led to me not finishing the experiment. hence, I have to go back tomorrow.

argh!!!!!

Today's been a very good day =)

woke up, went to church and headed over to baby's after that...

spent the time there studying a bit and then left at 3 to go to fish city. weeeeeeee....


The guppies there are absolutely exotic...they had such brilliant colours on them. They were like going at $10-$20 a piece...omg. Some of the tanks they had were so so filled with little baby fry...haha...went to take a look at some arowana there too...those amazing looking kings.

Then headed to rainbow to see this humongous planted tank that baby recently saw...it was so amazing. It was like a city...with fish and tonnes of plants. Even the logs placed inside looked like trees...the landscaping was so beautiful.

we then bused to PS to take a look at the new aquarium shop set up there...nothing much...town pricing. Bused down to city hall and had dinner at soup spoon. After that, we walked around a bit...and there was this shop selling novelty kitchen appliances and utensils. It was so fascinating...the ways people re-invent your cups...spoons...plates and stuff. It was so...new...hahaI was like running from one place to another looking at the stuff. Baby calls it making money out of something which is JUST A SPOON...or fork.

After that, we met somebody at the mrt station to get our zebra danio and plants. The zebras are sooo cute, so hyper...weee...then bussed further down to TP to get MORE plants and then came home to put everything in the tank.

In case, some of you didn't know...my tank had a major wipe out. I lost all my fish after intorducing some feeder guppies inside...leaving me with my 2 cute corydoras. I was so heartbroken...watching them just die like that. But I think this time...it'll be good =)

Today was good...thanks to all the people who sent me birthday messages; erika, ethel, nat, yimin and trevin. Birthday wishes from my family, deborah and cass. Most of all baby, hope we spend more birthdays together =)

mid-term break is officially over...time to start studying again...

It's finally Thursday!!!!
I shall be heading off for booth duty to sell tickets at central library later.

Life has been absolutely hectic...rushing to do things...most of my things have been pushed to the later stretch of their deadlines cos I just have too much stuff to do and stuff to clear up for my lectures. Friday is like a breather yet not really one. I don't have to go to school, so it makes it a somewhat less hectic day, but it becomes a day where I catch on stuff that I've not caught up on during the week.

Luckily term break is coming after next week, so we'll see how that break becomes at the end of next week. I also have a stats test to do before mid-term break. I really hope my cap is alright after this year...it seems the cap in mind is a little unrealistic, but yet I don't really even know what to expect for it.

school has been way busy...
I think it's starting to wear me out.
Possibly because I finish at 9pm from Monday to Thursday...although I do have a day off on Friday. But I still don't feel recharged and stuff, like there's an underlying tiredness...some of my friends say I look tired too...haha...

I suppose I'm here again just to sort out my thoughts...more for a personal service...cos I just can't keep it going on in my head. So, if you're here like you usually or somewhat come here to read about what's been happening, perhaps you might wish to proceed with caution. Given that what's going to be written here is more of a personal thing, to sort my issues out, it might seem like a somewhat attention-seeking, looking-for-pity kind of post.

I hate what's happening now, I have NEVER been so indecisive in my life. If I were watching myself I woul have told myself to MAKE A DECISION ALREADY!!! LIKE NOW!!! But somehow there have been too many contributing factors leading to my current very indecisive stage. This may seem familiar but yes, it's yet again between archery and dance.

Like how the hell did I, yes ME, get so damn lucky. I wanted SPS, I got it...so I already finish at 9pm for 2 days out of the 4 days I'm in school. I was hesitant about whether I should try out for the archery committee position but I decided to, I mean at the most I wouldn't get it right? Then I just got it cos somehow I suppose I must have sold myself well as some super duper responsible person...oh so ready for the job. So that's another 2 days out of my 4 day week that I end at 9pm, not forgetting about the saturday morning training. Then, one day it hit me...that archery was the wrong place so I decided to audition for dance ensemble. Supposedly, the hardest dance group to get in on campus, so I heard. I auditioned, I thought I wouldn't get in cos I somewhat screwed it up, and the people there seemed so good. Apparently, I passed auditions so now I'm in this ab-so-lute-ly fucked up position now having to choose between dance and archery.

Given my timetable I should give some allowance and let myself finish earlier than 9pm...4 straight days of ending at 9 pm seem like a death sentence not forgetting the Saturday morning training....but is it better than freeing up the 2 days archery has taken up to end earlier and choose dance which right now, only takes up Saturday afternoon??

you're probably lost now if you decided to read on up till here...unless you get what I'm typing...

my worrying is going to cause me a short life span...

Why am I so bloody indecisive?!?!? Why do I have to have a conscience???? I'm deliberating all because of the archery com position, plus the people there are really nice. Partly also because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to bond well with dance people, as after 4 years in dance...people there tend to be too cliquish for my liking.

I dunno man...
I DUNNO!!!

Why did I have to do something SO STUPID!!!

I supposed I just need someone to really talk to...I know the decision lies with me in the end, but it's times like this I need someone whom I can talk to to lead me to that decision. It's pretty demanding...but I really feel that's what I need...cos I can't make my way to a decision now.

well...orientation is over and school starts tomorrow...
not forgetting that I have a 8am lecture...

anyway...the past few days has just been about orientation...far too long if you ask me...they should juts make it 1 week or something...we were like having orientation stuff and bidding for our modules. Some of us stayed up till like 2, 3 am to look for modules to bid and to keep watch on the bidding rounds. it was just pure madness the first few days. people were like bidding hundreds of points, which was seriously mad.

the next few days was just fun and games stuff...we went to sentosa for some of our station games...we even got to watch rush hour 3 after our sentosa games...it was supposed to be part of the SP(secret pal) programme thing. It was a pretty alright camp...just a little too long for my liking. We even won first prize for the talent night and arena won best house too....which was seriously surprising....cos looking at our group attendance which hardly goes over 10 out the 15 people who were supposed to be there...it was really surprising...haha.

Camp would have been better...if the people in my group were better..but I suppose there will always be people like that...it really pissed me off.

anyway...time to get ready for school..

It's pretty early right now...I should feed my fish soon..haha, and it looks like it's going to rain, again.
I can't believe school's starting next week...it just feels a little weird, like after slacking around...I now have to go to school. not just any school, but a varsity. A little nervous, anxious, scared i'll screw it up and it'll all just go down the drain...yeah.

Some bleak thoughts for an early morning.

Anyway, my driving is more or less completed, just need to do the test. Sadly, it's like in January...gives me time to perfect my driving, but why next year???I just need to plan everything properly so it doesn't clash with the test...

today passed quite fast...
I like vacuumed the ENTIRE house today...dunno what got into me today...I just thought today'll be housework day. I even ironed all of my clothes plus my mum's. So right now...because of the vacuuming I have an aching lower back.

I basically spent the whole day looking at dance clips on youtube...went to look for those from CJ. I saw some familiar ones...and looked at those I performed in as well...plus the most recent SYF. The most recent SYF was so nice...I especially love the music. Dunno where I can get a proper video...and know what the name of the song used is.

I suppose I still have somewhat of a strong attachment to dance. I'm still in the dilemma of archery vs dance...thing is...I know that if i joined archery, I would always wish I had joined dance. Maybe it isn't really about how good I am?

Anyway, I'm supposed to go out for a run...but with my back...maybe not...plus my hair's still wet from bathing...it'll have to be done tomorrow I guess.



SYF 2007...CJC took Gold...the song is beautiful, not forgetting the choreography...ryan is an absolute genius. The quality isn't really good (uou have been warned) but it's the only one I could find. Hope I can find someone who has it on like dvd or smthg.



arts week 2006...this was the last dance I did in JC if I'm not wrong...

weee...I'm actually really sleepy...
hitched a ride with mummy to Jurong East MRT...dropped my cheque off to deposit and then headed for my driving lesson

it went pretty well....did parallel and perpendicular parking too...I think I'm rather okay, it's just the changing down of gear, u-turns, and basically that little tiny bit of road I always turn out from when I first start every lesson that I'm not so good. After lesson I am now at baby's house!!!

haha...havethe final theory test later today, but at 4.30pm...so just I'm just passing the time here and later I'll head off to take the test....hopefully all goes well and I pass.

wellI should study now...so ciao!

I just realised I haven't blogged for like almost 2 weeks...haha...
it sorta just slipped my mind, or it is possible that i may have just gotten a little lazy to blog...

anyway, this week's been pretty hectic...I have like something on almost everyday....probably due to the fact that I'm having driving 3 times a week...so right now I'll just recap the whole week...can't remember what happened last week...so it's just gonna be this week. Today, I'll be going onto the circuit so...I hope all goes well. Cos I always seem to mess up out of the blue...and when I do...I really mess up.

Well...Monday I had a driving lesson in the morning after which trained down to PS to meet Jolene, Valerie and Shuyan, we had lunch at some sushi bar...I forgot what the name of the place is...but it was my first time actually eating at a place which had those conveyor belt thingies...you know the ones where you pick the food off? yeah...so, we four caught up with each other; Jolene's now in NTU after UNSWasia collapsed, she'll be studying some form of engineering (can't remember which) ...Shuyan's going to NUS...Industrial engineering I think...and Val and I are in NUS prob studying Life Science...haha. Val kept saying how bleak both our futures seem after hearing some people comment about having no job or smthg like that after graduation. After lunch, where I spent waaaay too much, haha...we met up with Cherie at the Cathay to catch the Harry Potter movie. It was pretty good probably because it actually contained much more than the last one, Goblet of Fire. Then again, I don't really remember much from the book...so I didn't really know what was going on most of the time, but some were familiar...like Dolores Umbridge. I swear, how could someone like her have so many clothes in so many shades of pink, even her office was pink. She even had this forced smile on her face which was perpetually always there. After that, rushed all the way home for Guin's Student Council Ceremony... somehow we were told that it was formal, but the invite said smart casual, so needless to say we were very overdressed. Met some teachers there and had dinner there before heading home.

Tuesday...was spent with the Guides....they had some new funky way to fall in...it's supposedly the proper way to do it. anyway, they were absolutely clueless as to the proper technique of tying. I mean how can you tie anything just holding tension?!?!?!? UNACCEPTABLE!! There were people pulling away from themselves when they should be pulling towards themselves 0_0 Some had to re-tie their square lashes 3 times and they still couldn't get it tight. When you watch them tie it...you know it's gonna be loose, cos there just doesn't seem to be any pulling involved. So now they know they have to pull and hold tension. The quads opened beautifully...it was done well...didn't remember checking the knots though, but it was stable. Then came diagonal lash...okay...there was a tiny mix-up as to how the PLs saw me do it...so they taught it wrongly...but it was rectified fast. Some got it, others are still clueless...but I hope it all goes well and the practice it. After that, bussed home and then mummy took guin and I to get the new Airwave...woohoo...you can like watch DVDs, VCDs, and watch TV in the car (I haven't figure this out) and it has a GPS system. Way cool...it just doesn't have a clock in the car. We left the dealer, put more petrol in the car and home we went.

Wednesday...woke up early and hitched a ride with mummy to get to Jurong East MRT to go for driving...my parallel and perpendicular parking are not bad...it's just I can only do it with poles...hehe. My driving is not bad...I just dislike U-turns...and when I mess up, I really mess up a lot. Like do I use half-clutch or the accelerator...personally, I'd probably prefer to drive a manual car...cos I like the half-clutch thing, it's kind of scary to use the accelerator for everything...like in the auto cars. But then again, manual really becomes a chore in traffic jams and there's also the possibility of the engine stalling. After that, I came home...bummed around for a while, took a nap and then went out for my run. I haven't been running for a while because these few days I've been over sleeping when I take naps...so when I wake up it's too late to go out for a run. It kind of sucks...cos I only managed to run 25mins and I didn't even make it back home. I walked back. Took a bath and then headed out again with the parents and guin to see my cousins and aunts from the UK. It was good to see them and chat and stuff...I miss the English accent...haha. We had dinner there and then uncle Wayne and uncle Michael headed out to watch Transformers...Natalie and Sarah had grown so much since we saw them...which was so long ago and so did Anabelle, I last saw her at uncle Wayne's wedding. Sarah brought her Violin along, she played 2 pieces with auntie Jo as accompaniment...it was really nice...haha...it sorta made me miss playing the piano. We adjourned to the other house (they have 2 side by side) and continued talking there...after a while more we headed home.

Yesterday...was the QET...well the first part was easily done...the essay part, my brain was in absolute mess. I had so much stuff running in my head, I didn't know what it was. I couldn't settle my brain down...so I just forced myself to write. After that, met up with my sis and Joseph, chatted for a while while they did some stuff for archery. Then cabbed home with Joseph and just lazed around and here's where the interesting parts of the day end.

today was good...
the weather was so good...it was raining when I got up...
Changed, and went out to see baby...
we were supposed to take tumble out for a walk...but it was drizzling, so baby and I ate some breakfast and sat around reading the newspaper, while baby used the comp.

after a while the drizzle stopped and we took tumble down...as usual it was a good walk...she was so cute just walking around. We even managed to make her walk across a balance beam, when she was so afraid at first...then when she gets tired she'll just plop on the ground and not move until you tug at the leash. We attempted to make her walk up till the 7th floor...but she just wouldn't move at the 2nd floor...she just sat there and refused to move. So we just carried her and took the lift up.

After the walk...we wiped her down and let her run around for a while until lunch time. Baby's mum cooked curry chicken...but I ate the potatoes and tofu most of the time. After that...I helped baby to tidy his room. It's a lot cleaner and neater now I must say, after going through all the dust and rubbish that had to be thrown out. Once all the stuff was cleared, just lazed around for a while until it was time to go.

It was a pleasantly spent day =)

Live like you mean it.
Love 'til you feel it.
Its all that we need in our lives.
So stand on the edge with me.
Hold back your fear and see.
Nothing is real 'til its gone.

the week has been passing by slowly....
but at last tomorrow will be the weekend...so I'll be seeing baby after almost 2 weeks =)

A lot of things happened which made me start thinking...and this made me kind of scared...maybe fearful sounds better.

Fearful of me.

I suppose I'll just be straightforward here...cos I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down and sort it all out. I've been described as selfish...unappreciative...disrespectful...someone who goes for all the new stuff and leaves the old for others...having no affection for others...and having no regard for authority. I think the detail about who said it isn't important...I just have to sort out the adjectives.

I really have no idea how far this is true...and i suppose a self-assessment just wouldn't seem a very reliable thing for me. However, if it were all true...the person I have become is truly frightening...at least I personally think so.

I may have had selfish thoughts now and then...frankly who hasn't? When have you not wanted to get something before someone else? As to how often I've acted on this thought...I really cannot recall...and as much as I'd like to believe that it is seldom, there must be a reason why I've been described in such a way. Which leads me to believe that it isn't seldom.

As for unappreciative and disrespectful...I can't say enough how much I object to it. But then again..maybe you the dear reader may be able to recall a time...but I'll just take note of it I guess...

Having no affection...I would say 50-50...I don't know if this is the right way to explain my actions, or why it's 50-50 but here it goes. For one...my home isn't very well known for it's hugs or kisses among members...not even from young. At least I don't really remember any big significance of it as compared to the amount of scolding and stuff we get during study time...haha. So it just seems weird...or I just don't know how to react to certain things. Things like someone being sick, someone hurting themselves (eg. knocking into smthg) etc. I supposed it maybe simple...just ask 'are you okay?' but for some reason...there's a a point I have to think about it first. Perhaps...because I haven't really received it first hand, or even if I have...it doesn't really compose of a lot of affection too...but then again, it might be just a biasness on my part. Nobody really asks much about each other...like how I disappeared for a 4 days 3 night camp and when I came back...I was just back...nobody really asked what happened or asked what did you do...stuff like that. Maybe you think blaming my upbringing is pretty cheap and just some lame excuse, but I just can't explain it otherwise. My inability to react and have no clue what to do.

No regard for authority...well...how should I talk about this? Well, my school record is clean...well, I bend rules but I have yet to break any...other than that, I can't really think of any other way to explain this or talk about it.

This isn't some outpouring of teenage angst...nor is it a ploy to obtain pity from anyone out there...this is just a place for me to sort out what's been going in my head. Perhaps...get a clearer picture of what has happened to myself.