Aching heart

An aching heart.

Holding hands

Hugs

Cuddles

A kiss

Small little moments

Moments that I want and need

Where are we now?

I do not know how to describe how I feel right now. Maybe quite similar to what happened that day just at a much lower intensity.

I do not think that it is the need to prove myself right but more of that I was very disappointed and having a hard time forgiving and letting it go.

I guess in all these nine years I have come to know that comforting words are not what I would get when I pour out the problems I face. Who would I go to then?  To pour out my worries, get a good cry, a hug and all that that I want so much?

Maybe all this is supposed to make me stronger?

What I know right now is that I feel distressed, all alone and just lost. So, maybe I don't have the right person to go through a crisis/difficult time with? In the words of Meredith Grey, I don't have a person.

What's the point

It's like talking to a wall. Nothing I say seems to get any kind of comfort at all. I'm stressed, worried and tired. And all I get are :( and I'm going to sleep. Wow, tanks!

I fully understand that we are five freaking hours apart but it's like no question about how I'm doing or what happened today. I have to tell you and then oh, wow, surprise :( or :). Fuck this shit la. I think my colleagues give me better support than you do. Even people who are seven hours away bother to ask.

So, you know what? Since its such a disservice to myself I might as well just cut it off.

Speechless

There are many kinds of people in the world and amongst that there are people I just have no respect at all for. I don't expect much from them but they just never fail to surprise you.

I don't even know whether to laugh or to cry.

Sometimes I try hard to push myself to reach their version of satisfactory. Thinking, hey, this is probably a motivation to get out of my comfort zone. But at times like this I realise, they're just fucked up.

Tough

I am exhausted and a wreck right now.

I don't know what to think of myself.

Maybe I'm just really bad at everything I do. I don't know what kind of a person I am.

I feel all alone in everything and anything I do. Or maybe I'm so bad at it that I need to depend on someone. Or maybe I'm just really bad at asking for help. Maybe it's everything.

Waste of space.

NZ exodus

There's like a mass holiday exodus to New Zealand or something.

It's like mocking me and my current situation.

No one

There's no one there.

No one to talk to.

No one to listen.

Help will come.

Just thinking

How long can I go on like this?

Is a PhD just about endurance?

Just sitting

I Just sitting by myself, as I passively watch a show, my ever worrisome mind starts to take over.

I worry about Thursday, hoping I won't forget to arrange anything. Noting it down helps to a certain extent. I have:

1. Booked the vehicle
2. Informed the lab of the change of date
3. Checked the plankton net is available
4. I've got sufficient help

Now all I have to do is:

1. Pack my bottles
2. Check the charge on the SEBA
3. Print out my COC
4. Get the licor
5. Get the bottles from the lab
6. Prepare my zooplankton bottles
7. Pack the accessories
8. Prepare the mesh
9. Pack the plankton net
10. Pack a niskin
11. Prepare the lugol bottles and labels

My samples to be analysed is overwhelming now but I know it will be fine in good time. I'm trying not to worry about it because God has taken such good care of me so far and I know that he will continue to.

Nothing

I'm starting to think I have to do this on my own. I have to recharge on my own and motivate myself on my own.

Unfortunately, I think my friends are better at this than you.

Indifference?

I feel lost in this relationship right now.

Not too sure what I am feeling right now.

Do I miss you? I guess?

Talking to you has become rather shallow. I just feel like I'm not being heard, understood at all. I don't feel encouraged, motivated or comforted by you at all.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Oblivious

I'm in my moods again and so this ongoing issue has never bothered me as much as I feel it now.

I just have to know, what exactly it is you think you are doing? Do you actually think that you are solving the problem or just sitting on it? I know things can be overwhelming and we need a time out but you have to agree that10 plus years is some time out.

You do not seem to think that your actions affect anyone around here and for whatever man pride you have you seem to feel the need to assert your authority by being stubborn in every way. Or perhaps it's just you getting senile as you age?

You hardly do what you say, which probably reflects how it is you have dragged us into this situation that we are ALL in right now. You say you will return it, right now I think I'll just let you have it. There are so many times when I wanted so hard to believe that there is a reason behind all this, but time and time again you just give me more and more reason  not to believe.

I wish that there is someone who can drag you out of that place where you have chosen to isolate yourself. That place where you seem to have no idea about the repercussions your actions have. I have thought of so many possibilities in my head. Should I just tell everyone about you when they ask? Maybe shaming you would jolt you, so that you can see that we're not ganging up on you. Should I talk to a counsellor? A professional might have a good solution. Frankly sometimes I think I need one. Maybe this situation has been so prolonged because I have not been praying hard enough? After all, only God can change a man's heart.

At the end of the day, I just hope that you won't regret the father you have been. Because, I really think that you think that you have been awesome.

Just STOP!

STOP asking about the deer park

STOP asking about the fucking lego store

STOP asking about fast food

STOP fucking whining

Never. Again.

Note to self, these are NOT people I want to travel with. Ever.

Being lost and alone has never felt so relieving

I can be nice.

I try to make everyone happy, by planning something for everyone. So during the trip, I would like to make sure that everyone gets to do at least one thing that they enjoy doing or particularly want to do. I don't believe in the majority wins concept. Also, the schedule (which I believe no one has looked at) is flexible.

When we don't manage to go to where you want, it's perfectly fine for you to get upset and you know, constantly hint you want to go there.

It's also fine for you to constantly show your displeasure toward things. Be it to the people you are travelling with or the citizens of the country we are in.

It's also fine If you decide to continue making it unpleasant.

I just don't know how long I can be nice for. You can be sure that I will not put myself in this position ever again, if I can help it.

Even if it's family.

Thankful

It's not often that I write a happy-ish post, but here goes.

I was privileged to have been part of the first discussion panel during dean's tea. Focusing on the different paths that we as seniors took as an inspiration/guidance to the undergraduate SPS community.

After going through the panel, I have once again be renewed in seeing the amazing grace that God has blessed me with in so many parts of my life. Opportunities that I got, that I would not have been able to clinch on my own. At the same time, I also wanted to help these juniors to be able to receive such amazing things. I perhaps do regret not revealing the divine curator of my life, but also pray that they will find opportunities uniquely for them.

Sometimes I really think God purposely puts these small events into my life to recharge me and keep me on track. I am immensely grateful for his patience as I have found out how I weak I can be in the face of adversity and fear. So my hope for myself is that I will grow stronger and bring glory to his name.

Too close for comfort

Another thing to add to the list of things NOT to do together, dinner. I'm trying the best I can to do what I need to be doing. To avoid the endless scuffle of who to wash up after dinner, I have just been washing up after dinner most of the time without even asking. I really thought I could take it but you know, whenever I ask it's still me, most of the time. So I'm just feeling annoyed... Frustrated and maybe very disappointed.

I just don't know where to say all this.

What's now?

The week just is not going well. I'm just feeling lost and anxious. Lost because things are not working out very well and anxious because time is passing so fast and my plans have been pushed back one too many times already. This one thing has been taking up so much of my time I have been unable to divide my attention elsewhere except in between attempts. Even then I continuously feel the need to rethink the decisions that I make during the 'in between' time.

What do I do now? What can I do now? What should I do now? Sometimes I feel like crying, other times I just think it's pointless. Exasperating, demoralising and tiring.

Distance

Knowing that you are so far away, I can't help but feel sad

Trying

It's not as clear as it used to be. There are days I don't know why we are together and there are those where I thoroughly enjoy your company. There are things that I used to enjoy doing together but not anymore now. The difference is although there are days where I just feel so tired of being together, at least there are days when I feel encouraged that this is right, but the activities that I used to enjoy doing together is decreasing with no new ones in recent years.

These emotions of being so tired of this relationship seem to come at regular intervals, which make me think that they might just be my mind running away with my at-the-moment-unstable emotions. I just cannot figure it out. I also wonder if I feel so tired because I am wishing so hard for you to become something that I can neither force nor have control of happening. The initial interest must have given me rather high hopes so the current lack of interest is  disheartening. There have been so many times where I heard great things and I wished you were there with me, but you just were just elsewhere. I would never want to force you to listen to or be somewhere you have no interest in being, but I just feel that there is this important part of my life that you are not a part of (and I would like you to be). I can share but I wish that you felt the same way about it as I do. Perhaps I'm just not doing a good enough job at fostering these emotions in you.

I also wonder if I have come to think less of myself in this relationship. I should not see myself this way and instead know that God loves me and he would never want me to look down on myself. However, these bad thoughts do creep in now and then.

This is not to say that nothing has come of this relationship. I feel so happy for you because you enjoy life so much and it's great to have seen and been a part of the life of someone so motivated and as clear headed as you. Someone who is so giving and selfless toward the people around him. I would say that I probably have far to go and that knowing you has spurred me to be a better person.

But I am so confused now. I just feel like we are going nowhere. Marriage is something that I cannot say with conviction that I will agree to, instead I hesitate and struggle to give an answer. Shouldn't I be sure by now? It's been so long. It's not that I do not see you as a good partner. I do, but I just can't see me being your other half. Which also saddens me, because I feel so afraid. Afraid that I have fallen out of love. Fallen out of love with you.

How much more?

It was just one thing and that was all it took to tear us all apart.

I don't even know where to start. Everything is just so messy I don't want to go near it, hear any of it or get involved in it. I just do not believe that anything I do can bring you two together to do anything. It's a task that only God can do. I've tried and I believe most of us have but it's just something beyond any of our capabilities.

Money
Hearing about the parents of my friends sometimes I respond saying things like 'my parents/mum/dad is the same....'. I just think why are things so different. It's just the money I guess. It made all the difference. It made things move from tolerable to intolerable no matter what it is and no amount of explanation can make either party see reason. All good intentions get overlooked and nothing shows but the bad.

Is it enough?
Since I can't fix you both I do what I can with other things. I admit I'm not always on top of my things but I can say that I am most of the time. But after today, I just hit a whole new level of shock. You not only feel that no one has helped you, you feel that the help you received amounts to a rather insignificant amount.
I don't know what else to do. Do I shift my priorities? Stretch myself to do more things? Delete some things from my life? What do I have to say? Do I take a side?

Does this all end? Will it end in their lifetime? There were so many good years and now it seems so insignificant. Thinking about them makes me feel like it's from another life.