Dawn before the morning

A run

A good cry

One more time, let's get up and go

frustration never ends

What do I need to do to get it through to everyone that I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! We're not even anywhere close to doing anything and I already hate it. What's more is that since the beginning there has been NO CONSOLATION whatsoever to doing any of it.

It all just feels like a giant waste of time and my mental well-being (which has probably wasted away quite some).

What do you do when you feel like you are not heard?

I really did not want to give a fuck no more, but then there came hope. But alas, it's the same thing all over again. I wonder if I have deal with this myself because someone cannot figure this shit out and it probably not being anything close to a priority.

There is just NO opportunity to talk about anything, so maybe I really just should fuck it all.

Some days

I wish that everyone could let me do what I want.

What was that?

Omg... That was one anger-filed post. Feeling much better. Thing is... Should I talk about it?

Sleep can't come any sooner

Fuck these emotions. I just want to go somewhere and shout these feelings that are pressing down so hard on me.

At this moment, I just want to let everything the fuck go. I am seriously thinking to myself right now. What. The. Fuck. Fucking. Waste. Of. My. Fucking. Time. "tell me how you feel", "if something upsets you tell me", "teach me how to care about you". Well fuck that.

You tell me you miss me? You've been away for a week, I helped you when you fucked up there and you are thinking about exercising. FUCK YOU.

I don't even know why I am so fucking upset. In fact writing all this out, make me feel so much fucking better.

Also, why the fuck am I bothering with this wedding. I don't even want to fucking do it. You want it. So why don't you fucking do everything. I'm not even the least bit interested, so why the hell am I so on the ball about it. Show your wife off? Please. Whatever the fuck for. I'm not interested in that. Plus, meeting all those people makes me feel fuck tired. So why even put myself through all that. Right now, I feel like the idiot. Pushed around by what EVERY fucking person around me wants. I laugh about it but on the inside, I'm just stabbing myself so hard.

Someone just save me.

Bad timing

When I feel like shit, I am always reminded that I need to find myself a 'person'.  But who? Who the hell out there can take all this shit running amok inside of me, not judge me for it, and not get seriously freaked out by it? It's been so many years and my husband has not been able to help me find the rest I need. It always seem like when he comes into the picture I am running away from it all, only to return to it all. So I just suck it up and deal.

I feel sad on my own, I feel lonely on my own, EVERYTHING is on my own. Except for the fun and awesome times.

Voice it out, yeah sure...it just feels like talking to a wall, air and all that.

Seriously, fuck that.

Timing is just never good enough.

where do I begin

So many tasks...where do I even begin. This post started somewhat like a brain dump, but the more I go over the thoughts in my head it just brings my mood down more and more. Also, it somehow makes me feel more and more alone.

The lack of anyone to fully pour out my anxiety and also empathise with can be quite crippling. Especially during this time of the month when I'm emotionally quite dependent. I downright hate feeling like this as it shows how dependent I can be on people. Also, it hampers my ability to do what I need to do as the emotion is rather overpowering. I get on with the work, but the quality is probably horrendous as I personally do not approve of it. The feelings that come with it as I write are also not the same when I knew what I was doing.

Looking for jobs sounded good. In light of recent events, there was a push for me to want to leave this workplace. Everything started coming in at once and now ALL the balls are in my court and I have no motivation to do anything about it. It's quite nice that I have avenues to go to, but at the same time, I am not feeling up to it. The logical side is just pushing me to find time to get it done but I don't have much push to want to see it through.

So what do I start with?

emotional, logical turmoil

So many conflicting emotions.

I say so many things but emotionally, it takes quite a bit of convincing...ok, maybe a lot. This frustrates me and makes me think I'm becoming someone that is quite bitter and jealous. I have not really been charting these moods to see if they coincide with the monthly visits. Although, I do get more irritable and have a very short fuse just before and in the early parts.

I try very much to be independent, wanting to be like those couples who are successful and strong together as well as apart. Right now, there's that can of worms to define what is "successful". Maybe something I need to see to know? I always say things like using this time when we are young to explore all sorts of things e.g. travel for work, work hard, travel more because when we are young that is when you have the energy to do so and it's the time to build up your career. Then when it really happens I feel neglected, tied down etc. which is like, make your mind the fuck up. What the hell do you want? Needless to say, this confuses Ben a whole lot. Totally mixed signals, cos the logical part of my mind is totally just 'eye-rolling' at my emotional part.

I like to help people but sometimes I feel taken advantage off, but am I? Or am I being unreasonable? Again, there's the monthly visit issue that clouds my self-assessment. After getting quite upset and judgmental, I almost always doubt my right to be. I mean we should not judge, none of us are perfect and I know that I am far from it. Also, the idea that I am more responsible, more sensible and overall a better person is where the emotions stem from and it is something that I need to curb. Not too sure if voicing it out and talking about it makes any difference because Ben does not seem to help settle these emotions. Maybe I have not found the right person to discuss this with or maybe I just cannot accept it. Whatever it is, I need to find a way to stop or resolve these feelings, because I might end up saying/doing something that I might regret. Wish someone could tell me/show me what to do.

some people just make you feel alone

I always have a lot of thoughts, a lot of things I want to say and I probably only voice a fraction of it. Whenever I do, I either find that it's not taken seriously or that you have your mind on something else as I say things. Which in the end makes me feel like saying the rest of it is or that I am such a bother.

It is almost as if we just spend happy times together or that times spent together are happy but the difficult times I or we just fight on our own. I don't know how or if I should ask for more? Seems like I am asking too much sometimes. After all, I don't really know what exactly it is that I want. Sometimes when you decide to help/make it better it doesn't come out the way I expect it to and in the end I would just rather not.

So keep at it on my own and find my solace elsewhere and hope for a better day or just say it?

Thinking

I should probably back to this blog to unload my feelings. Facebook is too much of an emotional burden. I feel bad after offloading there.

This place seems less burdensome. After all, close to no one comes here. I think.

Right now, I just want to escape and wash off today. Although it was an awesome dinner, coming home is a snap back to reality. Makes me wish for time to pass a little faster as I make that slow progress. A part of me wishes that I will never experience such pain/loneliness/uselessness anymore again, whilst the other part of me is telling me it will come knocking any time.

Fighting on our own

Together on paper, that's about it.

We spend our days fighting our own battles and in the evenings I immerse myself in dramas. To help me forget and wind down from the days happenings.

The days just repeat and some days I get by and some days I just don't feel OK. I laugh at myself wondering how long I'm going to last this way...will I be ok at the end of it?

Unreasonable?

When I meant sleep over I didn't literally mean just sleep over. Just disappointed.

I guess I should not have expected anything? But I did and tiredness just made me upset thinking about it. Then I  did not want to go over anymore and the ride to the office alone just got more appealing.

He's pissed and disappointed. I'm just disappointed and tired.

Sudden thoughts

No one likes to/enjoys doing things they're not good at. Right?

New things are scary but the feeling of being pushed to do things you don't like is probably something else.

Just wishing that there was more.

Sometimes I can't help but have some expectations.

Not such a good idea

Finally going on a holiday after quite a while, but for me it seems like the differences between people are way too much for me to handle.

Finding people to travel with is tough. I probably shouldn't have made such a leap of faith for a country I want so much to enjoy time in. Furthermore, it seems like the one person I hoped that would notice my unhappiness now and then just seems not to. Expecting too much? Or maybe just me being too self-centred?

At this juncture I just want to be alone and it seems like, I feel much better? Although I have bouts of sadness, but it seems like I can get through a lot more things. I'm a bit more focused, probably because I'm trying to avoid actually feeling how sad/upset I am. When night comes and I lie in bed with nothing to do, that's when I really think about all the things and what has been making me feel so upset.

Much of it is regret I think. Regret that I agreed to this, because I already had a bad feeling about this. Only because I thought that I should give it a chance. It was bad... And then it got better... And Now things are beyond me. The way things went, I could have easily done it all myself. Possibly, enjoyed it more too. Now, I look forward to so many things but yet my head is filled  (and I really mean filled) with this thing lurking in my head that I'm going to mess up and do something horrible.

honesty is overated

Some things should never be said

No matter who they are

No matter what they say

You tell me to act

I suppose I can learn, but it will be hard (I'll try my bestest)

You tell me to keep silent

I suppose I'll try my darndest

Nobody wants to hear how hurt you are, how frustrated you are, how stressed you are or why you disagree.

So just nod and put on a show.

A new year

A new year has rolled around and things at the office have been progressing well in my current experiment. Plus point being the new awesome intern which I possibly have become very biased towards. He is so different from the others I have had, possibly because he's so much like me in quite a number if ways. He just knows what I need and lifts a lot of my burdens allowing to take on the rest of my burdens whilst being so positive about it. He brings a lot of laughter to the lab as well seeing as he gels well with everyone :)  so it is nice.

I'm still battling my demons of self-doubt and constantly worried about my inadequacies. Especially since it's my last year of funding I'm quite pressured into making significant progress to finish up. I'm worried about things on my end and also my honours students. The latter is certainly a big unknown and has me considerably worried. I just dunno when or if I should jump in.

Wisdom, please. How do I become a better person also? I think I am quite a failure at being a nice person at home. I don't know why but I just find myself incapable of doing so. I don't know what triggers this irritability and quick firing in me which often sparks unhappiness.

Some days

I ended up working 6.5 days instead of 7. I don't mind it most days... But some days, it does get to you. Like now.

I wish I had a better way or outlet to express how upset I feel now but there isn't. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes I can just look pass it. But today's just not one of those.

On to more challenging times

I've finally been able to move on with my experiments but therein lies the constant fear that I have not done something right. This new component requires me to work 7 days a week. Some part of me just says you have no choice just take this challenge head on... But another part of me is dying a little inside. It wonders how things will turn out. Will I survive this well? How will the people around me take this? I haven't received any verbal encouragement. Something which I need because I have so much negativity inside of me now. My self esteem has taken a brutal beating over the pass three years. Although things seem to be going well-ish on the outside, I feel lost. Almost as if I am losing myself.

Plus, I think and process so many thoughts, some of which I have no conclusion or have no idea how to even begin voicing out. Does voicing it out do us any good? Will it make the situation better? Is there a good time to chat about it? Negativity with a low self esteem is not the best combination. I'm trying so many things, pills exercising, piano. I just want these thoughts to stop

What's happening

Is it your plan to destroy me? Or is this supposed to make me stronger?

Should I then just let you destroy me? Why should I fight it? Maybe it's just so that I can make myself feel better knowing I had put up a good fight?

Am I becoming stronger? Or am I just perpetually in denial, running away only to come back just as weak everytime?

Help me... I beg you... I plead with you. I'm overwhelmed with hopelessness and helplessness. Are you not a God of love and compassion? The one with plans for me to prosper and not for failure and disaster. The one who will give me wisdom if I ask as long as I believe in you. Seek and I will find.

The thing is... It's been so silent. Have I been doing all this wrong?

Nothing box

The one thing I wish I have now....a box where I step in and all my worries are blocked. Just for a little while . Like a firewall.

I suppose it would be rather addictive over time and soon I'd probably be living in it. These feelings of depression and devastation are just so self-consuming. I don't know if I'm being slowly destroyed or, to put it nicely, changed. Right now, all I can say is it's been rather brutal. If this is God's plan to better me, I honestly  do not know if I'm doing a good job of it.

What do I need to do? Or rather what do I need to do first? How do I make this journey more joyous? Do I need what I think I need?

Change my mindset? Perhaps I need to stop thinking that I'm stuck, and more of I'm making my way out.

Do I need someone with me? God never intended for man to be alone. But maybe it's not time. Maybe it is, and I'm just stubborn and listening to everyone's input.

Am I no looking hard enough for the joy?

What is it? Do I need to change but have not?